Britney Spears' New Years Resolutions

It's a new year, y'all! I'm making my New Years resolutions.

1. Always wear underpants.
2. Show up to court, depositions and other legal proceedings relating to my custody fight with Keven Federline on time.
3. Take a shower. You've all seen the paparazzi shots of me looking like pure trailer trash. I understand that cameras are on me any time I leave my house, yet I still go out looking like trash all the time. From now on, I realize I don't need to be dressed up all the time, but at a minimum, I'll take a shower every few days, run a comb through my hair and try not to dress like a slut.
4. Stop doing drugs.
5. Exert quality control over the men I sleep with/date/marry. I really have shacked up with some real losers, most recently a married paparazzi. I'll try to be a little more selective this year.
6. Get mental help. I am a complete mess. I need psychiatric help, and not from that idiot Dr. Phil.
7. Be a good mom. I have been a terrible parent, so this year, I will place the interests of my children above my own.
8. Be a better driver. I'm a terrible driver, y'all. Aside from that, I go on random drives all over town for no reason at all, as you know from watching all the paparazzi footage of me. This year, I'll only drive when I actually have somewhere to go, and I'll pay attention to the road.
9. Quit smoking. I really look like a loser when I chain smoke all the time.
10. Buy cigarettes and Red Bull by the case. I spend an inordinate amount of time every day at gas stations because I always need smokes and Red Bull. From now on, I'll buy them a case at a time and not have to go to the gas station every day.