Bullying At Primary School

Free From Bullies
by Robyn Collins & Wendy Nichols

Robyn Collins and Wendy Nichols are experienced teachers and they have witnessed first hand and been appalled by the effects of bullying and of schools failing to take bullying seriously.

Free From Bullies will:

* Inform you about the research and tell you what you need to know

* Give in-depth explanations about the serious effects of bullying on the target and the bully

* Show you how to take control

* Help you with specific problems

* Help you and your children to develop self-esteem and resilience

In the UK: 19 - 23 November 2012

2012 theme: to be agreed

2011 theme: "Stop and think - words can hurt"

2010 theme: "Working Together"

2009 theme: "Cyberbullying"

Does your school ever get involved in Anti-Bullying Week?
If not, then ask them why!

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Generally speaking any behaviour that knowingly causes distress can be defined as bullying. It can be:

Physical Bullying: Pushing, kicking, hitting, pinching and other forms of violence or threats.

Verbal Bullying: Name-calling, sarcasm, spreading rumours, persistent teasing.

Emotional or Psychological Bullying: Excluding (not allowing child to join in), tormenting, ridicule, humiliation, spreading false rumours.

In my experience, it is often the Emotional bullying that is the hardest to resolve. It is easier for the bully to be covert in their attacks and much harder to catch them out.

Your child may use every excuse under the sun to try to hide that she is being bullied. Look out for any of the following:

not wanting to go to school

feeling ill in the mornings

beginning to do less well in their school work

becoming withdrawn, starting to stammer, lacking confidence

becoming distressed and anxious, stopping eating

having trouble getting to sleep at night

crying themselves to sleep, having nightmares

possessions go missing

asking for money or starting to steal (to pay the bully)

'loses' their pocket money

refusing to talk about what's wrong

having unexplained bruises, cuts, scratches

beginning to bully other children, siblings

becoming aggressive and unreasonable

personality changes, not being themselves

giving improbable excuses for any of the above

If you are worried that your child is being bullied but are not sure, ask him or her directly and whatever you do, DO NOT agree to keep it secret, no matter how tearful or distressed your child becomes. Targets are often terrified that if they "tell" or if their parents go in to school and complain, then it will make the situation worse.

In an ideal world, all teachers will immediately accept what you say when you go in and report that your child is being bullied. They will confront the bully, the bully will agree to modify their behaviour and that will be an end to it.

Unfortunately, in the majority of cases, you end up with a situation where the school has to try to work out exactly what is happening and this will include deciding which child is telling the truth and which child is lying. The school will generally act very quickly if any witnesses come forward to report what is going on, but often it is not as simple as that. In many cases the bully has so much power and influence that the "bystanders" (more about them later), will not speak out for fear that they may become the next target.

So to further complicate the already very distressing situation, often a child's closest friends won't stand up for them, compounding the target's low self esteem and further eroding their confidence. To make matters worse, the parents of the bully may refuse to accept or even believe what is happening and will not co-operate with the school's attempts to resolve the situation.

Image: A Father's Trusting Protective Love by beverlytazangel on Zazzle

1. Put all complaints and concerns in writing

No matter how confident you are about how well you think your school will handle the matter if you report a bullying incident, you should ALWAYS follow up any verbal complaint with a written one, even if nothing like this has happened to your child before.

Make sure the letter is clearly dated.

This will ensure that everyone is clear about when the first incident happened and the nature of the incident. If the incidents continue, carry on with the letters. Keeping a proper record is crucial (however, see 3. below) and everyone should be clear about exactly when it started and how long it has been going on.

2. Don't assume that a sympathetic teacher, who you like, is the best person to deal with the situation

Not all teachers are experienced with or good at dealing with bullying. If the bullying at school continues write to the Head and ask for a meeting.

3. Keep a record of EVERYTHING

Keep a diary (Link goes to a page that links to my Bullying Diary, but you can also download a simple Bullying Diary Template)

Log incidents, using time, date and location

Keep emails, letters and make meeting notes

Make sure you get written responses to all letters

After a meeting write to the Head to confirm your understanding of what was discussed, any agreements made, strategies the school said they would use or action they will take

4. If the incidents continue and there is no resolution, ask to see your child's school record

Make sure that ALL correspondence you have exchanged with the school about the problems your child is having is on the record. You may need to use this as evidence if you need to refer the matter either to the School Governors, the Education Department or the relevant authority depending on your country of residence

5. If you need to report bullying, then ask to see the School's Anti Bullying Policy

By law all UK schools have to have an Anti-Bullying Policy and by law it has to be implemented. In the USA more and more states require schools to have them.

Read your school's policy thoroughly. Make it clear to the school that you expect them to deal with any incidents as set down and defined by the policy. Look at phrases used in the policy to define bullying and the action the school states will be taken and use these phrases in your letter.

6. Research bullying (see Links below) before you go to any meetings at the school

Make sure you are clear in your own mind about which incidents are actually bullying, as defined by the school's anti bullying policy. Then do 7.

"No one who hasn't lived through bullying can truly understand the pain and the effect it has on the child and on the whole family."

"This is a tragic problem I too was bullied at high school and my life was hell for several years."

"My older son was bullied in school for a long time and it can affect so many things about them."

"I just wish I had help like this when I was bullied!"

7. If you believe your child is being bullied, ask the Head whether s/he agrees that bullying is taking place

In any meetings with the school, always have a copy of the school's Anti-Bullying Policy with you. Use that as the basis of the discussion and refer to it as necessary.

Discuss which of the bully's actions are covered by the policy and ask what action the school will take in order that the policy will be implemented.

Although the school may insist that some of the bully's actions may not be punishable (such as trying to entice friends away etc), these actions do lead to hurt and upset - which is not allowed in any anti-bullying policy. The phrasing may be different but the underlying meanings are the same.

Insist that the bully be told that their behaviour is leading to hurt and upset - or whatever phrase is used in your school's anti-bullying policy. So that once the bully has been told, if they choose to continue, THEN the behaviour may definitely be defined as bullying and the school would have no choice but to deal with it as such.

8. If your child used to be happy at school and no longer is, ask the school to consider why

Our daughter has always been intelligent and articulate. Until the bullying really took hold, she was very "sparkly" and enthusiastic at school, which she enjoyed. We asked the staff to consider why she changed and why she hated school so much.

9. Question the school's strategies for dealing with bullying

If your child has been bullied for any period of time and there appears to be no resolution, it's obvious that any strategies the school is implementing just ain't working! They may have worked for other cases but it does not guarantee that they will work for your child. Do not be afraid to say this and challenge the strategies being used.

Question the use of "circle time" to resolve issues. According to Kidscape circle time will usually only resolve matters where bullying is unusual in a school. In schools where it happens regularly, asking a target to talk about how they feel in front of everyone in a group discussion seldom works. All it does is give the bully a buzz about the hurt she is causing and increases her feelings of power.

10. If your child becomes ill due to bullying, ask your Doctor to write a letter to the school

This letter will also go on the school record and may strengthen your case if you have to take further action.

11. Don't assume ANYTHING!

Do not assume that all staff working with your child know exactly what has been going on. This includes teachers covering absence, new staff etc.
Do not assume that the school agrees with you that your child is being bullied
Do not assume that the teachers you like are the best people to deal with the problem
Do not assume that all staff will automatically follow the anti bullying policy
Do not assume that all bullying incidents are logged
Do not assume that all staff understand the anti bullying policy
Do not assume that all staff have had adequate induction or training about the anti bullying policy

12. No matter how exhausted or disheartened you become.......do not give up!

Apart from the distress, frustration and often feeling utterly powerless when you are trying to help a child who is being bullied, what I also find hard to accept is how other key individuals are often not encouraged to face up to their part in what is happening. Neither are they persuaded to help put an end to the situation.

The problem seems to be that they are fully aware of what is going on but they don't know what to do about it. This is exacerbated because those trying to resolve the problem can focus all their attention on the bully and the target.

If you become aware your child is being bullied then it won't be long before you go marching in to see the class teacher. If it is your child who is doing the bullying then it won't be long before you are summoned to see the Class Teacher or the Head. But I wonder how many schools ask to see parents because their child is a "Bystander"?

Christina Salmivalli, a leading proponent of 'Bystander' theory, states in her book 'Making Use of the Peer Group Power in Preventing and Intervening in Bullying' that as far as bullying is concerned:

"the mechanisms which maintain the problem, but also the keys for preventing and intervening in it, often lie within the peer group."

She breaks down the role of the Bystander into the following categories:

Assistants - who actively join in the attack
Reinforcers - who give positive feedback to the bully, perhaps by smiling or laughing
Outsiders - who stay back, stay quiet and unwittingly condone the bullying behaviour
Defenders - who try to intervene to stop the bullying or comfort the target

So which role would you choose for your child?

Many children become "Outsiders" and for the Target, that can be the hardest to bear. We all like to think that when we are in trouble our friends will step in and help us. If they don't we feel abandoned. But we have to again remind ourselves that these are primary school aged children!

The UK Children's Commissioner's Report Bullying Today, which was published in November 2006, states that:

"research with children and young people confirms that most disapprove of bullying and sympathise with its victims. It has also been found that when they are Bystanders, about half take the role of 'Outsiders'. Yet where peers do intervene, they can be effective in preventing the victimisation in 50-75% of instances."

Some work was done with my eldest daughter's class to help the children understand the difference between passive, assertive and aggressive and to try to give them the confidence to stand up to anyone who was bullying and not join in. That, together with the support of parents plus the fact that some of her classmates were maturing into intelligent, confident girls who empathised with my daughter, eventually helped put a stop to what was going on.

Similar work went on with my youngest daughter's class as friendship issues started to develop. A combination of the work that the school did with the class plus the girls naturally maturing, helped put an end to the problems that were verging on bullying.

But, part of the key to getting something done is to make sure the Teachers are aware of what is going on. As has been said to me by teachers many times - how they can deal with a problem if they are blissfully unaware that there is one?

In the book: 'The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander' by Barbara Coloroso, American author and lecturer on bullying, Coloroso states:

"They are the supporting cast who aid and abet the bully through acts of omission and commission. They can stand idly by or look away, or they can actively encourage the bully or join in and become one of a bunch of bullies".

Standing idly by or looking away may seem like a sensible course of action to a 9 or 10 year old. It is even difficult for older children to feel they should do something. Can you blame them for being so frightened that if they do not collude with and condone the bully, then they may become the next target?

Indeed my eldest daughter became the next target when she stood up for a child who was being excluded. The matter was not resolved properly, i.e. the bully got away with it and then turned her attention to my daughter. This undoubtedly reinforced her friends' fears that if they stood up for her then they ran the risk of being the next to suffer. They abdicate control to the Bully.

However, as Barbara Coloroso points out, the cost to the Bystander can be a loss of self respect and confidence. Most children know full well that what is happening is wrong and they realise that they themselves are being controlled. But we are talking about children of primary school age. It is the adults who have to take the lead in helping the children to resolve these issues.

Children will give all sorts of excuses as to why they will not stand up for someone who is being bullied. They will say that: the bully is "my friend"; "its not my problem"; that the victim is not their friend; that they would rather be part of the 'in group' than defend the victim; that there is nothing they can do about it; that they don't want to be a snitch; that they are afraid that they will "be next" if they do anything. They plead with you not to do anything because they are terrified that if you do then they definitely will "be next".

Most of us like to think that we have "nice" children. How many times do we hear ourselves saying: "My little Harry/Sally is no angel but basically s/he is a good kid?" While I would not accuse every child of having the potential to be an out and out bully, I think that if we are completely honest most of us have children who have the potential to be a Bystander.

It came as a complete shock to me when, prior to her own problems starting, I found out from my eldest daughter, that she had become involved in a group that was making life pretty miserable for one of her closest friends. My daughter was tearful and ashamed as she confessed that she had been so horrible and I now realise that she had become a "Reinforcer".

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I felt dreadful but we faced up to it and over the next few days we talked about the situation. We discussed how sometimes you have to be very brave and not let someone else have so much control over you that you do things that are wrong and that you become someone that you yourself don't like. She wrote her friend a letter of apology and when I ran into his Mum at the local supermarket I immediately told her how sorry I was about what had happened and we talked it through.

Too many parents these days either will not accept what their child is capable of doing or, if they do realise, they just do not know what to do and would rather brush it under the carpet in the hope that it will just go away.

And how many parents, even when they do know what is going on, just don't want to get involved? How many parents reinforce the message that it is better to be a Bystander than a Defender?

Please note that the following poem is Copyrighted and cannot be reproduced or used without the written permission of aj2008.

If you wish to use this poem then please email aj2008, using the Contact Me link on my Squidoo Bio Page giving your name, contact details and information about how you would like to use the poem and when. This information should include a link to any websites or blogs, or the address of any location e.g a school, where the poem will be read or used.

In the playground
There's a little girl
Sitting in a dark corner.

She's all alone.
Earlier, an older girl,
much older
Came and said horrible things
to the little girl.
"Oh, you are stupid
and ugly!"
she said.
It hurt the little girl,
It pained her.

In the playground,
There's a little girl
Sitting in a dark corner.

© aj2008

Image: Crying Girl by tawnybarker on Zazzle

So what can you do to make sure your child has the confidence to be a Defender?

Encourage your child to empathise with the target
Ask them to imagine what it would be like if it was happening to them. Help your child to understand that there is a difference between 'snitching' (trying to get someone else in trouble) and 'reporting' (protecting someone who is being or may be harmed).

Offer to go with your child to the teacher or Head if they decide to report what is going on
Point out that there is safety in numbers and encourage your child to try to persuade his/her friends to join together to protect the target.

Explain that bullying can cause real emotional and physical harm, which can be long lasting
Teach your child that being friends with bullies is not what you want them to do. Point out that despite what they may think, the Bullies are not popular - the only reason they appear to have lots of friends is because others are frightened of them. They are worried that if they are not part of their "group", "gang" or "crowd" then they themselves will be bullied.

Children copy the behaviours they see at home
Make sure that you behave in a way that you want copied!

Make your child understand that no one should be allowed to force them to behave in a way they do not want to
Make it absolutely clear that they, and only they, are responsible for their behaviour and that everything they do is a choice.

In a GMTV Webchat on Bullying on 06 February 2006 (link no longer available) Barbara Coloroso said:

"Remember there are 3 characters in this horrific tragedy - The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander. We ignore bullying at our children's expense. We must pay attention, get involved and never ever look away. Indifference is lethal."

Indifference IS lethal! Try to imagine what it must be like for a child to be so isolated from their friends that they don't want to go to school. In some cases it makes them ill. My eldest daughter missed six weeks of school in one term because she was so unwell.

The UK Children's Commissioner's Report Bullying Today states:

"The role of peer intervention and peer pressure in addressing bullying is regarded by some as the key to tackling bullying".

I'll say it again - this is primary/elementary school age children we are talking about here. It is up to the grown ups to show them the way and help transform our Bystanders into Defenders. They cannot do it on their own!

An amazingly perceptive statement from a very upset 10 year old:
"The less they do, the more she gets away with."

"I'm so scared to go to school tomorrow."

"It's the fear of going home from school or going to school where a lot of the bullying does take place."

It is crucial that your children are able to tell you and their teachers what is happening so that they can get the help they need.

When young people hear stories about other people who have been bullied, they realise they are not alone. It is very important that they understand that anyone can be the victim of bullying and that IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.

Help them realise that many people who have been bullied as children have overcome what happened to them and become very successful adults. If you were bullied as a child, or a family member or friend experienced bullying at school, tell your children about it. Telling them true stories is often the best way to lead young people into telling you their story without being embarrassed.

Tell them about famous people who have been bullied. These include Michael Phelps, Winona Ryder, Bill Gates, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, David Beckham, Sir Albert Einstein and Daryl Hannah.

Transformers star Megan Fox was bullied at school because she admitted that she wanted to be an actress. She said: "One girl came to school on Halloween in a black leather catsuit and everyone thought she was cat woman. She answered, 'No I am Megan Fox.' She was making fun of me."


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Actor Tom Cruise was badly bullied at school because he has dyslexia. His family moved around a lot and because he went to 15 different schools, he was always picked on because he was "the new boy".



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Winona Ryder, the actress, was bullied because she was seen as 'different'. She was raised on a hippie commune and wore unconventional clothes to school.




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Christian Bale, the star of 'Batman Begins' says his life was made a living-hell by other pupils jealous of his acting career. He received fantastic reviews for his starring role in "Empire of the Sun", directed by Steven Spielberg and when he went back to school, other boys bullied him because of the extra attention he began receiving from girls. He said: "Girls were all over me but the boys just wanted to fight me."

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The actress Kate Winslet was tormented at school because of her weight. She said: "I became shy because I was overweight. At 16 I was 13 stone and was called "Blubber". It was pathetic and childish, but girls are so catty. It lasted for about two years. Eventually, I must have told my mother, and she took it up with the teachers."

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Michael Phelps, the swimmer, was bullied for having a lisp and big ears. He had to cope with having his ears flicked, mocking about his tall, gangly form and his baseball cap would be thrown out of the school bus window. All because he was a swimmer rather than a footballer.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes, polar explorer, was bullied at Eton. He said: "I was a good-looking boy, and it was the norm for any boy considered good looking to be wolf-whistled at. The other boys would sit on their window ledges above the school dormitory, whistling and shouting names at me. Such remorseless nastiness squeezed every last trace of self-confidence from me. At one point, I stood on Windsor Bridge and contemplated throwing myself off."

This page has some disturbing information about bullying in the home: Does Bullying Run in Families?

The page details research that has been undertaken about how some children learn bullying from their own parents. THere's also some very shocking video footage.

More than 40% of children with autism are bullied at school!

Over half a million people in the UK suffer from Autism. Thats approx 1 in 100 people. In my own home county this equates to 10,000 people with Autism of which about 2,500 are children.

Source: Think Differently.org

Research published by the Universities of Warwick and Hertfordshire, in the UK, has concluded that girls targetted by bullies at Primary School are two and a half times more likely to remain victims than boys. Girls directly being victimised at six years old were significantly more likely to still be targetted at age ten.

The research also discovered that the methods of bullying change as children grow older. It starts with direct victimisation such as physical bullying and threats but gradully evolves into spreading malicious rumours and the withdrawal of friendships.

The research team was led by Professor of Developmental Psychology Dieter Wolke. 663 children aged from six to nine were interviewed about their bullying experiences and then they completed a follow up questionnaire when they were aged ten or 11.

Professor Wolke said:

These findings indicate that even at an early age some victims of bullying remain victims over a long period of time. The development and implementation of intervention programmes that help victims to escape further victimisation in primary school are called for.

29 March 2009
The Guardian Newspaper reported that boys deliberately "dumb down" to avoid being bullied at school according to Becky Francis, Professor of Education at Roehampton University, who carried out a study of academically gifted 12 and 13 year-olds in nine state secondary schools.

03 April 2009
Coronation Street, the longest running "soap" on UK TV, with a viewing audience of 9m and 10m per episode, has introduced a storyline about one of the boys being bullied at school.

30 September 2009
Megan Fox admits she was bullied at school. See the full article at The Inquistr

03 November 2009
X Factor Twins John and Edward admit they were bullied so badly at school that they had to leave. They were ostracised at £12,000-a-year King's Hospital - one of Ireland's most prestigious schools - for their clean-cut image and love of cheesy pop music. See the full article at The Sunday Mirror.

November 2010
Pixie Lott announced as the Beat Bullying Ambassador and donates her anti bullying anthem 'Get Weak,' penned about the pressures of bullying, to raise awareness of the world's first global online protest campaign The Big March launched by charity Beatbullying.

The Children and Parenting Group on Squidoo is a collection of pages covering various topics relating to children, parenting and family issues. All are outstanding.

The whole subject of bullying is so complicated that many books have been written and much research continues to be done. However, along with many others, I believe that it is on the increase and much of it is to do with the way so many people are bringing up their children. See my lens Does Bullying Run in Families?

I see families accepting what I consider to be horrible behaviour towards each other as "normal". I see young children being mercilessly teased and bullied by their older siblings, (while the parents ignore it) and then repeating that very same behaviour amongst their peer group at school.

I see parents shouting and swearing at their children and then they wonder why their child shows no one any respect.

I see parents refusing to support their children's schools' efforts to improve behaviour. I have even heard of parents taking their children home rather than allow the child to be kept in at break as a punishment.

Worse than all of this though is the utter feeling of helplessness, when you realise that your child is being targetted and no matter what you say or try to do, it just goes on and on and on.

I don't agree with taking a child out of school or changing schools because they are being bullied, because I believe that if you don't solve the problem then it will follow them.

I know of a child whose parents moved her to another school because of bullying. The bullying started up at the new school. They decided to move their child to a private school and after the place had been reserved and the fees had been paid, they found out to their horror that one of the bullies was moving to the same school!

However, I must confess I came within an inch of refusing to send my eldest daughter to her school, when it became obvious that she was becoming quite ill with the stress of everything that was happening to her. And if I am honest, it was making me ill too.

I always said that even if I had the money I would never take my children out of the state education system and put them into a private school, but for a time if I'd had the money, I would seriously have considered it.

What I would say though, is that no matter how upset and angry you feel inside, it is important that you stay as calm as you can and research your rights and how you should handle the school. Even if you are in the right, if you become abusive then the school will become defensive and nothing will get resolved.

It is so hard though, because at the end of the day you just want it to stop.

2010
My beautiful girl is now in senior school and she is flying! The change in her in the last couple of years has been remarkable. She goes to school with a smile and she comes home with a smile.

I have got my Sparky back.

Seth Godin, the founder of Squidoo has some very good advice for adults who are being bullied at work. You can read it on his blog:

Take the ball and go home

Just recently Seth also blogged about someone who we all probably know:

Yeah, but he really knows his stuff

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02July 2009
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