Call of Duty: The Official Guide to RAPING at Online Multiplayer!

There are MANY types of weapons in the Call of Duty series, some of which you will never see, hear of or use.
But that's ok! Cause I don't want you to use all of them, and you shouldn't! If you truly want to become the Grand Master Miyagi at Call of Duty , you're going to have to take on the ways of a shaolin munk.

A bad-ass shaolin munk.

Who uses high tech weaponry instead of stick.

So, after you get a feel for the guns, pick ONE, and stick with it. I HIGHLY recommend an Assault Rifle, or Sub Machine Gun to start off with.
I'm telling you, you're going to need the reflexes of a cat with rockets taped to its hands...and you'll probably even need rockets taped to the rockets!
Because believe it or not, there are ALREADY other munks just like you! The difference is, they have been training for many years to have great skill in the way of the stick.

After a while the muscle memory of your hands will greatly adapt to the weapon of your choice, allowing you to lock onto a guys balls from across the map faster than you can say "I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR BALLS OFF BRO", or he can think "Oh, ssSSHII..."

One gun. Stick with it.

One of the most important thing you need to be aware of in CoD (..besides host advantage, but we'll get to that later), is the many different types of players that there are in the game. Here, let me name just a few:

Snipers: If you keep getting killed by a sniper, it usually means they're pretty good. Otherwise you wouldn't even know they were there! Get my drift?

Run N' Guns: These guys are pretty hard to avoid since you don't see them coming most of the time, but when you do they're pretty easy to kill. Their weapon of choice? Duel shotguns. Marathon. Lightweight. You get where I'm going. Try to stay in an area where you can watch your surrounds...otherwise you're fu,..

Kamikazes: WOOOLOOLOOLOOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOLOOLOOOL BANG. You're dead. Got it? Good.

NuubTubes: Oh the infamous NuubTubers. What you want to do with these guys is shoot from a distance and run a few feet away so their grenade won't hit you. But it's easier said than done. These guys probably rank right up there with the kamikazes. They're just GOING to kill you sometimes because they plain just don't give a damn, and have a big ol thumper on the end of their gun, so it's alot easier to just send them rude and hateful messages at the end of the match that include various insults toward their mother
(I've also found making fun of their dog works GREAT too!)

ProPipes: You wait for the countdown. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. GO. You sprint towards capture point B with your team. It's going up! Almost! Almost! BAM. You and your whole team are now dead. Why you ask? Because some doucher from across the map has figured out the PERFECT spot to aim his grenade launcher into the heavens to rain down fire upon your ass. The counter? Wait 5 seconds before you try to take B.

I think you can see that just with that list there are alot of different players that you need to constantly adjust to in-game to even stand a chance of coming out on top. I'm sure you've already seen some of these, so start memorizing what types of players you encounter in the game and you'll be on you're way to becoming a Call of Duty guru!

NEXT!

Alright, lets say you're running around in a game of domination, and you see your teammate five feet away capturing A, the enemy teams last flag. The RIGHT thing to do in this situation is to run directly to A with your little buddy there and wait until A is captured, weather you die or not.

You need to forget about K/D ratio if you want to improve your K/D ratio, otherwise how will you ever be put in the situations that really start training your mind to react to any situation you work yourself into?

The WRONG thing to do, which I see, SO MUCH online, is this:
I'm flanking around to A, while one of my "Teammates" is hugging my ass like a motherfkng banshee causing me to run like a fkng retarded turtle pushing me into walls and stuff. We FINALLY get to A and I lie down in the grass to start the capture, NOBODY around, and this ass just keeps on going, runs into a hallway and gets shot in the face. The enemy team pours out of every single door and window you can find and proceeds to lace my ass with 9,000 lbs of led, right as I'm about to capture A.

Now what would happen if your buddy had stayed?
You would have captured A, and stood a much better chance of you BOTH surviving being that far into enemy territory!

You might be saying, what in the HELL is this guy talking about? He just said to work as a team! Well what am I supposed to do now??

Calm down. When I say "Work Alone", I don't mean to run into enemy territory with your pistol and try to be Hercules, or sit in a corner waiting for that one guy to sprint out in front of you to earn +100 points over and over again.

What I mean is, every person on the team should have their own mind.
Each person should have two views. The broad view and what's better for the match as a whole, and a small view, meaning whats better for yourself that could help the team.

Here's a few example:
Say you're a sniper, your team is down 3500 points and the enemy team is just 1000 away from winning the match. You've just hit 23 kills, 2 away from a coveted nuke. You look out the window and see one of your teammates running to capture B. Right here, this is called working for yourself, FOR the whole. Its better to wait inside and let him draw out your 2 kills, than to try and pointlessly capture B and still lose the match. See what I'm saying?

Say you have a shotgun, and your following some guy, let's call him "HiTOrMIsSNIggz".
HiTOrMIsSNIggz just MizZEd that enemy coming up behind you, ready to can both your asses.
Here is a great opportunity to hide in the room you just entered and await Mr. Enemys arrival.
It's pretty easy to kill somebody if you shock the shocker. He doesn't think you know about him so just keep running and set him up!
If you did'nt do this, both you and HiTOrMisSNIggz would be in bodybags.

Or probably just be a 3d model of a dead guy for a few seconds until you respawned, but still...

Onward!

There are two types of "camping".

Icantkill.
and
Tactical.

The first type is for players who cannot actually play the game without dying or killing anybody without having their gun already aimed and ready to just insta-shoot when a person shows up on their screen. Granted there's no rules against it, but how are you ever going to get BETTER without actually being in a normal firefight? Camping this way this is like a giant hole you can't get out of, and it only goes deeper.

The SECOND type of "camping", is whats known as tactical. It's commonly placed in the same category as camping, but that's only because it blends in with it so well. The difference between the two is this:

The people using tactical camping, have BOTH sides of the story mastered. They won't hesitate to jump out from behind that brick wall and shoot your eyes out with their glock, because they know you wont expect it.

Tactical camping is Brief, anywhere from a few seconds to a minute or two, MAXIMUM.
In the real world, this is what's known as "TAKING COVER". Get it?
It's useful if you're being overrun by enemy's and you need to figure out an escape plan. Once you figure out the route to take and flank them, many people will call you a "camper" for being up there, even though you clearly left your tent 30 seconds ago to blow their foot off.

If you find yourself in a shopping mall 15 feet away from a manbearpig, what would you do?

A:Calmly and slowly walk the other way, making sure to not give away my presence.
B: Throw rocks and small children at it.
C.Walk briskly toward it and attempt to ride it like a miniature donkey.

If you chose anything other than A,...or C, then you are probably now dead.

The same goes in CoD. If you find yourself in a situation you don't think will end well, it's better to avoid it alltogether and keep those 100 points on your own teams score.

He'd open a can of whoop-ass and turn everyone's blood into wine so they die of alcohol poisoning, that's what!!

But seriously if that didn't work he'd probably go down to his local radio-shack and pick himself up a nice new router or modem!
If you're constantly dropping from the game then you probably need to invest in better tech. The best situation to have is a direct connection, but if you're stuck with wireless (like this guy), then you need to get the best, which I did.

Lag will just piss you off and make you play worse, so make sure you're completely satisfied with your connection before you put in all those hours of CoD mayhem.

Occasionally, you're going to be forced to use a weapon you're not accustomed to. You run out of ammo and the only thing left for you is that PM63 that your friend was using, before he got his brains strewn out across the front yard. Eventually you'll be in this situation so many times you're going to start getting accustomed to every weapon there is. So embrace it! If you run out of ammo, don't panic or kill yourself just to get your class back! Pick that thing up, put on your chuck Norris face and go to town!

You should explore every map you play thoroughly, and find every single hidden trail, window and hiding spot possible! Knowing where you are at all times on any map is just about as important as learning to wipe your own ass. You don't want mommy rubbing the sheets between the cheeks do ya now? NO!

Of course, this does take time and usually just comes as you play, so play MORE!
Look on Youtube for videos showing you hidden secrets that the average player doesn't know about. This will give you an advantage over everybody else to lazy to look for anything out of the ordinary.

This is especially helpful in specific game modes like CTF and Domination. It tells you where the flag is, but what's the quickest way to get there? And what's the quickest way out when you grab their flag?

This is the end.
You have learned from me all that I know.
Continue forward with your thirst for knowledge, and never stop pursuing what means the most to you...

...pumping led in someones bootyhole.

Now get out of here and go kick some monkeyass online fool!
Those kills aren't racking themselves up!

(Please hit one or two..or ALL of those "Like" buttons up there if you found this useful or in any way entertaining and I will forever shower you with my gratitude good sir)

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