Jokes & Funny Photos

Rush is certainly no friend of Barack Obama, as any Limbaugh fan knows. That Rush has a humorous side is a given, and nowhere more evident than with this photograph...


President Obama Inspects New Tool for His Reelection Campaign in Arizona!
Photo: Rush Limbaugh

The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life:

Make-up and hair style ................... $500
New dress for the show .................. $700
Giant stuffed bear ...........................$300



Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....

Priceless!!!

Perhaps it's because these beloved Canadians don't take medical terminology seriously...

Artery
Bacteria
Barium
Benign
Caesarean Section
Cat scan
Cauterize
Colic
Coma
Dilate
Enema
Fester
Fibula
Impotent
Labour Pain
Medical Staff
Morbid
Nitrates
Node
Outpatient
Pelvis
Post Operative
Recovery Room
Rectum
Secretion
Seizure
Tablet
Terminal Illness
Tumour
Urine

The study of paintings
Back door to cafeteria
What doctors do when patients die
What you be, after you be eight
A neighbourhood in Rome
Searching for Kitty
Made eye contact with her
A sheep dog
A punctuation mark
To live long
Not a friend
Quicker than someone else
A small lie
Distinguished, well known
Getting hurt at work
A Doctor's cane
A higher offer
Rates of Pay for Working Night Shift
I knew it
A person who has fainted
Second cousin to Elvis
A letter carrier
Place to do upholstery
Nearly killed him
Hiding something
Roman Emperor
A small table
Getting sick at the airport
One plus one more
Opposite of you're out

I received this Nigerian 419 Scam letter on November 14, 2008. It is, without a shred of doubt, the dumbest such letter I have ever received. I present it here exactly as I received it, including the subject line above, "WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE DEAD..." This is a very funny story.


DEAR BENEFICARY

We receive an email that you are dead and you ask one MR.KADEEJIA IRVIN MOORE to come and claim your funds, been the fund which is related to your lottery winning sum of $2 Million United State Dollars that has been with us since two weeks now and he has also agreed to pay for the delivery charges of $350 Usd.

So I am writing you to know if you are DEAD OR ALIVE, if you do not reply back before 72hrs we will have no other alternative than to believe that you are truly dead according to MR.KADEEJIA IRVIN MOORE . And if you are still alive you can get back to me as fast as you can or you can call me on my phone take note that every thing has been paid for it is just for the cost of delivery that this MR.KADEEJIA IRVIN MOORE has agreed to pay for, if you refuse to get back to us am afraid we shall transfer the funds to him after he has sent us the cost of delivery which is$350 only and by this, it implies that he is right that you are dead and you ask him to come and claim the funds on your behalf.

WE HAVE WITH US A SCAN COPY of the SECRET PHOTO SHOT WE SNAPPED HIM AND HIS FRIEND THE DAY HE CAME TO OUR OFFICE TO TABLE THE MATTER THAT YOU ARE DEAD,IF YOU NEED IT, WE SCAN IT FOR YOUR VERIFICATION PURPOSES.

Please take note that you have been given just 72hrs to get back to us so that we can know if you are alive, and fill the Information Below. Name: Fax , House Address: Phone Number: We await your swift response in regard of this email we have received from MR.KADEEJIA IRVIN MOORE .

Truly Yours.
Mr. Williams XXXXX
Phone: +XXX-702-XXX-9943


I immediately responded with the following comments:



That is correct. I am dead.
I have expired.
I am an EX-Person.
Give the money to Mr. Moore.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."



"With what?" demanded his parents. (They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost!)

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen bucks."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

Practical joke or revenge?


Yes, Folks, it's a cake!

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- the flowers need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote; someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• the car isn't washed
  
• the bills aren't paid
  
• there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
  
• the flowers don't have enough water
  
• there is still only 1 check in my check book
  
• I can't find the remote
  
• I can't find my glasses
  
• I don't remember what I did with the damned car keys.
  

When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.


The United States Air Force after an Obama win in the Presidential election.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


The United States Military after the Democratic win in the 2008 Presidential election.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

The Ultimate Adult Only Joke Book (Paperback),
by Ben Ripley (Editor)


Yes, Folks, it's a cake!

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, and one of them approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)


Excalibur Electronics 431 Jackie's Adult Joke Machine,

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

A Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes:
The Ultimate Collection of X-Rated Gags,
by Geoff Tibballs.


Yes, it's another incredible cake!

No, Not the GPS


Not your Cell Phone...

Not talking too much or texting...

Not watching a car video......

Nor changing a CD.

The most frequent causes of accidents in Canada are caused by:




....Yep !!!....
You guessed it -- Inappropriate footwear.

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.... The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated.... of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

'Oh, yes,' she replied, pointing to the bowl, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said: To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.'

'Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

The Guatamala Sink Hole



This Guatamalan hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.


Great Blue Hole , Belize - This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize. There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.


California's Monticello Dam Glory Hole - A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.


Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa. Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed.


Washington, DC's Post-Digested Food Hole - This hole swallows trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars annually! The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again! It is reported to be filled with 545 'a$$ holes'.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

An arrogant and self-absorbed college freshman attending a football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him that it was impossible for the older generation to understand, let alone appreciate, his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and..,' he paused to take another sip of beer...

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little pup, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding...

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Dear Algebra,
Stop asking us to find your X - she's not coming back.

1. You're reading this right now.
2. You're realizing that this is a particularly stupid "fact."
4. You failed to notice I'd skipped 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this, even though it's stupid.
9. You didn't realize I'd skipped 8.
10. You're checking again, and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're starting to enjoy this.
12. You forgot there are only supposed to be ten facts.