Child Behavior: Toddler Discipline Guide for Postive Parenting

BEING STUBBORN.

At times throughout their lives, our children will be SO stubborn.

This behavior can have a huge affect on our mood, leaving us at our wits end.

Children think on a completely different plane to adults.

A stubborn child will stand his ground, causing an up-roar to have his way and sometimes to the point you are being told by your child the way it is.

Picture this, its mid summer and you think taking the kids to the local pool would be great for them, and of course everyone is excited.

Only one problem, your three year old is determined to wear his favorite pair of jeans into the pool to swim in.

You try to explain how hot it is outside, and its not a good idea to go to the swimming pool in his jeans, you can turn yourself inside out and explaining why he can not wear his jeans.

But he is still determined, so then you tell him the people that run the pool won't allow him to go swimming in his jeans, it seems nothing you say will break the determination of your child begging to gain himself an identity.

The reason for your child's Stubbornness, is more than likely to do with the fact that he feels pretty good wearing his jeans, and that's what its all about finding out what makes him feel happy, he is trying to make a statement with what he is wearing.

He is just simply saying, "Look at my new jeans, aren't they great."

In the end of the argument you and your child only wind up angry and frustrated.

How Your Child May Be Feeling

I really would like to go to the pool with mum, and wear my favorite clothes to show everyone. My clothes show who I am, and I feel pretty good inside when I am wearing them they are my favorite.

I don't understand why she wont let me wear them, she is getting upset with me and I am getting mad at her. Mum doesn't even know what I like to wear.

I know wearing my jeans would be the best thing for me to do, mum doesn't know who I am.

I am going to put my jeans on, and when mum sees how happy they make me, she'll understand. If I wear what mum wants, I will lose part of my identity. If I do what mum wants, I lose but, what about how I feel. I feel so confused and don't know what to do.

I'm feeling powerless. Now I may well lose all.

The Meaning Of Being Stubborn

Your child is in the procedure of finding his identity by what he wears, and with the choices he makes, he must hold onto them stubbornly, as they are apart of him becoming his own person.

Your child basically doesn't think as wisely, as you do. Your child responds emotionally to something that shows who he is and when this happens it's showing strength in his personality. It's all part of building who he is.

The positive way to look at your child's stubbornness is, as he grows up the ability to stand up for his believes not to mention great character building.

Your child will eventually give up the stubbornness as he learns to communicate and negotiate more as well as other individual strengths.

Solving Stubbornness

Your child wants to wear jeans on a hot day and that's that. Tell him I know how good you look in your favorite jeans and you want to wear them to day. Then tell him things like, its really hot outside, the sun is so nice.

After that make a comment about your self like, I'm so glad I put my shorts on; the breeze is nice on my skin. You are putting the focus on how you feel wearing your shorts and not telling him what to do.

Don't worry about the shorts issue just yet, let your child know you are taking a pair of shorts in case he changes his mind and gets to hot.

Guaranteed, after five to ten minutes in a hot car he will have his shorts on in no time. Just go along with him, for now he is happy to make the decision to put his shorts on without you persuading him.

Let Your Child Know The Consequences Of His Desire

So long as our children are in no danger, allow your children to experience the consequences of the decision made, keeping in mind, you may need to provide for their change of mind.

If we allow this to happen, not only does it make the arguing less intense, but it will also teach them that they can sometimes be wrong and maybe mum and dad do know a bit better than them.

When your children decide to change their minds don't do what many parents do and say, "I told you so."

Saying things like this only adds insult to injury and takes the power of learning away from your child and shows them you are more powerful, right at that point they are learning about their power to make a decision, not yours.

Guide and assist your child to develop their best personality.

What Not To Do:

Don't Engage A Power Struggle

The last thing needed with our children is a power struggle.

When we try to show our child that we are stronger, we are realistically only putting ourselves at our child's level which teaches him nothing to prepare him for the real world.

If anything it may teach him to be fearful throughout life, or once bigger and old enough, use those same tactics to force others against their will.

Don't Scare Or Make Your Child Comply

Scaring our children or forcing them to comply with our rules is not on.

This senseless act went out with the cave men, it will only make your child know to relate fear to their actions, and they don't learn the how's and why's or the real consequences of what they have done.

It's best to take the diplomatic approach.

Many parents often experience the uncontrolled behavior of their toddler when out in public, and what better place for your child to embarrass you than at the local supermarket.

The designers of our modern supermarkets are not in our favor, as they are more like an adventure play ground, with their coin-operated rides and machines. To bring out the worst in any child.

All parents should think twice about even putting a coin in these machines, if you do it once its likely you will find it impossible to walk past them without the full on tantrum for not allowing a ride or a surprise from the machine.

On entering the supermarket, the noisy activity, starts to stir up your child. Now you have the job to decide if your child should sit in the trolley or walk with you, either way there is no real relief.

At least while in the trolley his movements are a little more controlled, but depending on his mood that may not always be the case.

Every child has a limited tolerance when its time to sit in the trolley being pushed around the supermarket. It's a good idea to keep this in mind, as his mood can be like the weather unpredictable and you are likely to face embarrassment without warning.

Getting out of the supermarket in a hurry doesn't always work when you need. The checkout will normally be busy and slow moving. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, your child has noticed the lolly stand while waiting in the slow moving queue, as the tension is rising and the patients is about at its maximum.

Your three year old grabs the chocolate bar and is immediately told by his mother to put it back, "you are not having it." Your child is quiet for a minute, checking out all the people in the store, then all of a sudden he lets lose with crying, kicking and yelling.

Leaving you feeling quite embarrassed.

At this point and time, there are only three choices left for mum to put a stop to his out of control behavior:

1. She suggests giving him the chocolate bar;

2. She could try to ignore the tantrum and read a magazine or talk to people around her to take the attention from the problem; or

3. She gives him a firm slap.

Realistically, none of these choices are likely to have the right effect. For one, if he receives the chocolate bar, this will be continued every time he goes to the supermarket.

If his concerned mother took notice of his performance instead of ignoring his tantrum, you can pretty much imagine the mumbling comments among some of the other shoppers, "Woman like that shouldn't be allowed to have children."

But then if she gives her child a slap she is then looked at as a child-basher.

No matter what treatment you choose for the tantrum child in public places, it seems a no win situation. Because whatever action you decide to take in handling your child's behavior in the public, its likely heads will turn, judging you and your parenting abilities.

Not to mention causing a great deal of embarrassment, in natural fact, these methods are not very effective anyway.

Concentrate more on managing your child's tantrums in the family home is the only other option, once this has been achieved.

The benefits will be rewarding for all concerned, going to the supermarket, visiting and other outings will prove to be enjoyable.

Charts are a helpful way to motivate young children.

They see their progress and participate in the daily steps toward the reward.

The chart stands out as a testimony of good behavior for all to see.

Charts work because they are interactive and fun. Even the business world uses charts as profit motivators.

Throughout life many children will be surrounded by performance charts, so they may as well get used to seeing them in their home.

When nothing else seems to be working, behavior charts help a child get over the hump of extinguishing an undesirable behavior.

As you weed out undesirable behaviors one by one, your child gradually gets used to the feelings that come with good behavior, and these feelings become self-motivating.

The need for charting lessens as your child grows, and you will need to find new clutter for your kitchen wall.

In making reward charts, consider these tips:

* Follow the basic rule: KISMIF - Keep it simple, make it fun.

* Work with your child. Let your child help construct the chart and make daily entries

* Construct the chart so that the child has a visual image of closing in on the reward. We have gotten best results from a "connect the dots" chart. Have the child draw a picture of what she wants.

Then outline the periphery of the picture with dots several inches apart. With each day of successful behavior (e.g., each time he remembers to take out the trash) the child connects another dot.

When all the dots are connected, the child collects the prize.

* Display the chart in a high visibility location. (We strategically place ours on the wall along the path between the kitchen table and the refrigerator.)

Giving the chart a high profile and high visibility gives the child easy access, serves as a frequent reminder of the desired behavior, and lets her proudly exhibit her progress.

* Make the chart interactive: connecting dots, pasting on stickers or different colored stars, anything more interesting than a check mark.

* Charts can contain positive and negative entries, reminders of both types of behaviors. In my office we use daily charts to correct bedwetting in children older than five.

The child puts a happy face sticker on the chart every morning he wakes up dry and a sad face sticker on the chart on mornings he wakes up wet. If the happy faces outnumber the sad faces at the end of the week, the child gets to choose where he wants to go for lunch on Saturday.

* Keep the time until the prize is collected short. Frequent, simple rewards keep motivation high. For a toddler, use end-of-the-hour rewards; for the preschooler, end-of-the-day rewards; for the school-age child, end-of-the- week rewards. A month is an unreachable eternity for any child.

For the preschool child, rather than set a calendar time, refer to an event such as "dinner time" or "after Sunday school." Novelty wears off quickly for children. Change charts frequently.

Swearing is cursing, using profane, abusive, offensive, dirty, or foul language, or making obscene gestures.

Young children usually swear to experiment with language, while adults often swear out of anger.

WHY DO KIDS SWEAR?
* Children sometimes use unacceptable language without knowing the meaning of the words. If they hear swearing from other children, adults, television, movies, music, or from parents, they are likely to repeat it.

* Sometimes children use unacceptable words without knowing that they aren't supposed to. If it's acceptable for adults in the house to swear, children may assume that it is acceptable for them, too.

* Children under five often swear to get a reaction. Although they may not know what the words mean, they do have an understanding that certain off-limit words are used with more strength and feeling, and carry a power that most other words don't have. If a word gets a strong reaction, they will be likely to use it again.

* Typically, children will experiment with swearing and testing the language limits at ages four and five.

* Children need help learning appropriate words and actions to use when they are angry or frustrated.

Some Suggested Approaches to dealing with child Swearing problems:

DON'T DO THIS:
Washing a child's mouth out with soap and making a child taste or eat soap may be hazardous to your child's health. Some children are allergic to soap and become ill or have a serious reaction. Soap can be even more dangerous when eaten, so don't ever use this old housewives tale as a remedy.

Use your RESTRAINT

Make it very clear to your child that inappropriate language is not allowed - EVER. If your child swears you need to stay very calm, and tell them calmly that those words are not alright to use. Prevent swearing by other family members, or the child will continue to copy their elders.

Don't give your child attention for swearing
You could choose to let your child experiment at home, but tell your child that you don't like the words. Reacting strongly will only give your child the attention they seek, and entice your child to use the words again. If your child uses bad language in public, consider setting up a discipline consequence. Before you go out again, discuss together what will happen if your child uses inappropriate words. Try to help your child remember if they slip up and swear and praise your child when they remember to behave well, without swearing.

FRUSTRATION WORD GAMES

Ignore swearing, but notice acceptable language, and create your own fun words to replace unacceptable words. If your child is using bad words to get your reaction, then ignore it and don't give them any attention. DO give your child attention when using acceptable language.

Consider making up your own "frustration language." Have fun with it and think up silly words to use as expressions of frustration or "swear words", the sillier sounding the better. The silliness will help ease the tension while allowing a child to express frustration or anger with more acceptable words.

BETTER WAYS TO DEAL WITH ANGER

If your child is swearing out of anger, help them find better ways to show their feelings. Let your child know that it's all right to be mad and to talk about it: "It's all right that you are really mad. Do you want to tell me what makes you mad?"

Give your child alternative actions or words to show their feelings: simple things like punch a bed pillow, or say, "I'm really, really mad," or "That's not fair!"

If your child is frustrated and needs help, teach them ways that they can let you know they are angry, that won't make you angry as well!

WHARE KIND OF ROLE MODEL ARE YOU?

Show your child what kindness looks like. Help your child be aware of the feelings of others and the impact that good words and bad words have on people, but don't punish your child for simple mistakes.

As children learn from the role models around them and everything they see and hear around them, make sure that you and the people around your child are kind to each other, in order for your child to have a good example to follow.

When is it time for you to Get More Help with a difficult child?
Children typically grow and learn new skills in their own time and at their own pace within the wide range of what is normal.

Sometimes, children need a bit of extra help to keep their development on track, or to stay healthy and happy.

Sometimes, parents need help providing for a child's needs or sorting out the best approaches to parenting.

Consider getting help if your child Shows little or no improvement after you try an approach to help change the swearing for at least two months.