This lens was developed to help surviving family members help children cope with and heal from the unexpected loss of a parent to suicide.
Showing emotions--even surprising ones--is normal and should be expected, and encouraged.
Younger children may show little emotion, because death might not yet be "real" to them.
But be concerned if an older child seems to be in denial, or bottling them up.
It's okay to cry.
There is no set time to stop crying. No one has the right to tell you, you should be "over it" by now.
It is okay if you don't cry very much. It doesn't mean that you don't miss him. It doesn't mean that you didn't love her. You just express your feelings in other ways.
It's okay to talk about it.
Talking about someone who has recently died is a great way to deal with the many feelings one may have about the loss. However, some children may not want to talk about it because they don't want those feelings to show.
Let them know it is okay, and that you are available to listen when they are ready to talk. Maybe you can have a code word or phrase which means, I want to talk to you in private so no one will see me cry. For instance, if a child asks for some "one-on-one" time, you know that means there is something they want to say or ask, and to find a quiet place away from distractions and other family members, so they can feel free to open up.
Follow their lead. Don't push them to share, but be there when they are ready. Turn off the TV or radio and give them undivided attention.
Children grieve in different ways.
It's okay to be angry.
Anger is natural, and healthy to express, when done so in ways that are not harmful to one's self or others.
Help your child to release stress and aggression through productive channels, and talk about what he can do to remove himself from a situation when he begins to feel mad.
Be patient.
Sometimes the smallest things, such as tying shoes, can become an unbearable challenge, and lead to a crying or screaming fit that doesn't seem age appropriate.
Even when it is embarrassing to you, that may be the child's way of dealing with feelings of frustration and not having control.
Err on the side of caution; hug rather than scold.
It's okay to have fun.
Assure them that grieving does not have to continue forever, and that it is okay if you think about other things besides your loss and enjoy yourself. There is no need for guilt. The person who is gone would not want you to be sad all the time and never be happy again, would they?
A great way to help a child grieve through smiles and joy is to remember funny stories and memorable trips or events that the family enjoyed. Yes, there will sometimes be tears when the child realizes that those times can never be repeated, but it is important to cherish the good memories and not dwell on some of the more unpleasant ones that could have preceded or surrounded the time of the loss.
It's okay to change some traditions.
The bigger holidays, such as Christmas, will be very difficult for the family, especially the first time they must face them after the loss.
Don't be afraid to try new things and create new types of family memories together. Remember the old ones, but help each other to heal by moving forward and trying new things.
Suicide loss
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Suicide Loss: Surviving the death of a loved one
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WHY? We will never; can never know. Sometimes there are warning signs ... other times, none. There may have been a note, or words exchanged, but these "reasons" are never the complete answer for what was done. You are not alone in your struggle t...
It's okay to give yourself a time out.
Maybe a movie that was supposed to be really funny, has too many references to "how much a child needs her father" and a little girl who was laughing one minute, is suddenly on the brink of tears.
Explain to your child that it is okay to remove themself from a situation if they become overwhelmed.
Surprise!
Grief can strike swiftly at inopportune times.
Help your child to learn how to excuse herself quietly from a group discussion or other situation that she feels might make her really upset, find a quiet place to cry, compose herself and rejoin the group.
Children usually do not have the control over their emotions to "wait" and cry at a more suitable time.
The biggest little question: WHY?
The best answer may be to explain, in an age-appropriate way, that the person was sick, something that we call major depression. It is different from being "sad" or blue, and it affects our ability to understand what our choices would do to others.
Take care not to blame any person or any specific event or other matter for having a significant role in a person's choice to complete suicide. If your child thinks his father's death was linked to losing his job, and then you lose your job, it could really be traumatic for your child.
Regret and blame
When someone close dies, it is natural to have regrets. We wonder -- if only I had said this; if only I had done that -- would it have changed things?
Whether you believe in God or in the tides of fate, chances are there was nothing you could have done differently that would have mattered in the end.
Talk together about things you wish you would have told them, things you wish you had not done, and let them know (in whatever manner best matches your personal beliefs) that they can speak to their lost loved one any time, any place, and that some day our spirits will all be reunited.
Sometimes a pet or stuffed animal is the best listener.
"I want to die to be with him/her!"
But once children are a little older, the danger of this expression becomes more apparent. It is a fact that people are more likely to complete suicide if one of their parents did. As frightening as this is, one cannot treat every emotional outburst as a suicide threat. So now what?
Individual and family counseling are available and highly recommended for tweens and teens coping with the loss of a parent or other close loved one.
One of the more comfortable situations for youth, who might not be very excited at the prospect of telling their feelings to an adult stranger, is a peer support group where they are with a small group of children in their own age range, led by a trained facilitator, and participate in activities that encourage them to share their emotions. Ele's Place provides this opportunity in the greater Lansing, Michigan area.
Ele's Place
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Ele's Place
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Simply put, Ele's Place is a healing center for grieving children.
ALARMING FACT
A person is more likely
to attempt to complete suicide
if one of their parents did.
Remember in healthy ways.
Taking down photos of the person who died might seem like a logical thing to do, but having a few framed photos in prominent places might help children cope better rather than remembering that photo that used to hang there is gone now. The person is still a part of the child's family, even when the grief becomes less painful, and when the single parent is ready to date again.
A photobook is a great way to keep good memories close by. Many sites offer a seasonal buy one, get one free deal, which is good if you have more than one child who could use the book to help them remember the fun times.
For photobook options, see my free prints lens.
Child grief resources.
There are many websites with helpful information. Check locally for a support group that meets in your area.
Child Grief Education Association
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New book now available:
After a Parent's Suicide: Helping Children Heal
Amazon Price: $14.95 (as of 12/24/2009)
The book deals addresses a difficult subject that most feel helpless in addressing. It is written to help the surviving parent or caretaker deal with the children's particular grief when their parent commits suicide. The reader will learn what to tell the child, how the child will understand the news depending on his or her age, and what to expect later as the child grows up with this event impacting his/her life. The book is practical, hands-on, and gives the reader hope that children may be helped to survive a parent's suicide.
More books on child grief
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