Help a Child Cope with Loss and Grief

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Helping Children Cope with Loss, Grief and the Sorrows in Life

Children and adolescents are not immune to facing loss, death, dying and grief; they encounter loss and will experience a grief response.

Much as we, as parents and teacher, might want to protect and shelter children and try to create a world for them in which no one ever dies, losses do not occur and they never have to experience grief, we cannot. We are unable to shelter our children from these realities of daily living--the sorrows that occur as a part of life. We can teach them how to cope with these sorrows.

Children are affected by loss and death differently than adults. They may express their grief in a variety of ways and deal with death in many different ways, not necessarily in the same way as adults.

This lens offers some helpful ways to help a child cope with loss and grief along with a collection of some of my favorite books on this topic.

Photo Source: Horton Grou. Sad Girl on Steps. Royalty Free Use.  

Helping a Child to Cope with Loss 

Developing Skills to Last a Lifetime

    Helping a child cope with loss
    is perhaps one of the most important roles an adult can play.
    In effect, you are helping that child develop skills that can last a lifetime.

    Mental Health Association

Image Source: Joel Terrell. Mother and Son. Royalty Free Use.

Ways to Help a Child Cope with a Loss 

Advice for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers

To help children cope with a death, parents, caregivers, teachers and other significant adults in their life need to understand how children think about loss, death and especially what has changed for them.

Remember, helping a child cope with a loss is one of the more important skills you can teach.

The following list includes helpful suggestions for helping a child cope with death.
  1. When talking to a child about a tragedy, first, find out what they know or think they know has happened. Children may be aware of more than you think.
  2. Answer any question simply and honestly, but only offer the details that they can absorb. Do not give the child more information than is requested.
  3. Let them know you will be available to listen. When they are ready to talk--listen.
  4. Let the child have time to grieve, be upset and talk about their fears. Give them a chance to talk. Listen, validate their feelings and then provide reassurance.
  5. Give the child different ways of expressing his or her loss, grief and sadness--verbal, written, creative, musical and physical.
  6. Encourage the child to draw, read, write letters or poetry, sing, tell stories, play with clay, build and other creative means of expression are all helpful ways for a child to express grief.
  7. Let the child go outside to play and be active can be a good way to run off the anxiety they may sense from the adults and feel themselves.
  8. Try and keep regular routines. Children can grieve a change in behavior and mourn the environment and the predictability of a schedule that existed before the loss or death. Keeping regular routines can help.
  9. Be patient and flexible. Children grieve intermittently. They may cry one moment and then play normally the next.
  10. Remember that it may take the child a long time to recover from the loss or the death depending on the child, the type of loss and the relationship with the lost person, pet, object etc.

Quote on Children and Grief 

Sweeten the Tears, Take Away the Grief

    Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
    Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
    Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
    Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.

    Pamela Glen-Conner

Photo Source: Modified Microsoft Image.

How Famous Children Cope with Public Grief 

Helping Children Cope with Grief on YouTube 

A Video From the Mourning Star Center

The Mourning Star Center

The Mourning Star Center is a nonprofit support center for grieving children and families. The center serves children between the ages of 3 and 19, and their parents or other adult caregivers in ongoing grief support groups. We also receive numerous phone calls each week from parents, teachers, school counselors or other family members in Riverside County and San Bernardino County seeking help or advice in dealing with a grieving child or children.

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curated content from YouTube

Lifetimes in the Amazon Spotlight 

One of my favorite books on helping teach children about death.

This was the book that my mother in law sent me and I read to my daughter's to help them prepare for my father in laws death.

Lifetimes

Amazon Price: $10.08 (as of 12/10/2009)Buy Now

Lifetimes emphasizes "lifetimes" for different things, for plants, for animals and for people. It helps portray the fact that all creatures have a life cycle. The soft illustrations are very beautiful and soothing.

This book is an excellent choice for a child who is asking about death or who has recently experienced the loss of a pet, friend, or relative.

A Featured Lens on Writing a Condolence Note 

The How to Write a Condolence Note lens includes information and examples on Condolence Notes from Children.

Books to Use to Help Children Grieve a Loss 

Available on Amazon

What's Heaven?

Amazon Price: (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families)

Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Tear Soup

Amazon Price: $13.57 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?

Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Articles to Help a Child Cope with Loss and Grief 

More Information on Ways to Help a Grieving Child

Children And Grief
An article from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry one of their Fast Facts.
Helping Children Cope With Loss
An article from Mental Health America to help children cope with loss.
How to Help a Grieving Child
A helpful article for Professionals on How to Help a Grieving Child from Fernside, the nation's second oldest children's grief center.
Coping Strategies for Children
From the Loss, Change and Grief section of the Journey of Hearts site, an article on coping strategies for grieving children.
Helping Children Cope with Death
From the Loss, Change and Grief section of the Journey of Hearts site, an article on helping children cope with death.
Helping Children Cope with Grief and Loss
From the University of Virginia Health System's Chaplaincy Services and Pastoral Education a useful article on helping children cope with grief.
Helping Children Cope with Grief
A downloadable pdf file on Helping Children Cope with Grief from the Girls Scouts.

The Next Place in the Amazon Spotlight 

The Next Place

Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 12/10/2009)Buy Now

With soothing and stunning illustrations, The Next Place is a celebration of life and a look at what may lie ahead.

A simple way of explaining death or a life beyond to children without being scary or overly religious.

Organizations Helping Children to Cope 

National and Local Organizations for Grieving Children

Dougy Center
Through our National Center for Grieving Children and Families the Dougy Center provides support and training locally, nationally and internationally to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children in grief.
The Mourning Star Center, Inc
A nonprofit support center for grieving children and those who love them, providing loving support in a safe place where grieving children can share their experience as they move through their healing process.
KIDSAID - A safe place for kids to grieve ~ Kidsaid.com
KIDSAID is a site to kids, for kids, by kids for grief support and peer support, and for kids to express themselves through artwork, stories, and poetry. Kids can ask questions and get answers from other kids. Monitored by adults, this site is an approved safe site for all kids.
Amanda The Panda - Support for Grieving Children and Families
Amanda the Panda provides support to grieving children and their families through a variety of services including weekend camps, support groups, home visits, fun days, school presentations, holiday cheer boxes, pen pal programs and more.

Featured Lenses about Dog Tags for Kids 

An organization helping children cope with parents who have been deployed.

Journal and Activity Books to Help Children Cope on Amazon 

Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Good Grief For Kids

Amazon Price: $11.66 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids)

Amazon Price: $5.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

A Lens for Anyone Who has Ever Experienced a Loss 

Journey of Hearts - Grief, Loss & Transition

Our website includes a section with information and resources on Helping a Grieving Child or Teen.

Dragonfly Books Available on Amazon 

Dragonflies have been used by several authors to help explain death to children.

The different stages that dragonflies go through in life, the different transitions that they make become metaphors for explaining death.

Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up)

Amazon Price: $3.00 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

The Dragonfly Door - a Mom's Choice Awards Recipient

Amazon Price: $13.46 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children

Amazon Price: $6.50 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

The Dragonfly Secret: A Story of Boundless Love (a Mom's Choice Awards Recipient)

Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Blog Posts on Helping Children Cope with Death 

There was some concern before the last Harry Potter Book was released that Harry might be the person killed off.

These were articles written about that and about helping children cope with death.
Helping Children Cope if Harry Potter Dies
A look at helping children cope if Harry Potter dies from the Grief, Loss & Transitions - Journey of Hearts Blog.
Children are likely to Grieve Over Any Deaths in the Latest Harry Potter Book
A look at the premise that Children are likely to grieve over any death in the Grief, Loss & Transitions - Journey of Hearts Blog.

Book Resources for Parents and Teachers to Help Children Cope 

Available on Amazon

Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One: A Guide for Grownups

Amazon Price: $10.17 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents

Amazon Price: $31.45 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child (Guidebook Series)

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Helping Teens Cope with Death

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, Revised Edition

Amazon Price: (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Children & Grief is a Featured Grief and Loss Club Lens 

The Grief & Loss Club Resources for Helping Children Cope 

This is a list of useful resources submitted by the Grief & Loss Club members.

The Dragonfly Door by John Adams

The Dragonfly Door by John Adams

Help children identify the beauty and hope in all more...0 points

I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas

I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas

When a close friend or family member dies, it can more...0 points

A Terrible Thing Happened - A story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma by Margaret M. Holmes, Sasha J. Mudlaff

A Terrible Thing Happened - A story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma by Margaret M. Holmes, Sasha J. Mudlaff

Sherman Smith saw the most terrible thing happen. more...0 points

10

What's Heaven by Maria Shriver

What's Heaven by Maria Shriver

This treasure of a book, for people of all faiths, more...0 points

12

Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman

Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman

An art therapy and activity book for children copi more...0 points

13

Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying by Joyce C. Mills

Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying by Joyce C. Mills

Written for children who may not survive their ill more...0 points

14

The Snowman: A Book About Children and Grief by Robin Helene Vogel

The Snowman: A Book About Children and Grief by Robin Helene Vogel

The Snowman was the first Tommy and Buddy built si more...0 points

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Reader Feedback on Children and Grief Lens 

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by Comfortdoc

Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, an expert in life challenges, loss, grief and bereavement, professional health educator, professo...

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