Manners Maketh Man

When I was around six years old the whole family went to have a look at the seedbeds, away from our house down by the river.

On our return whilst I was standing in the back of the truck, we passed through the labourers housing. In those times still basically the traditional African hut, although the foremen etc. had brick houses.

Naturally their children were delighted to see us and came running out waving. Somehow my Dad noticed that I didn't wave back. When we arrived home he questioned me on this and I passed some disparaging remark along the lines of; "What for they are only labourers?".

Rarely have I seen him so angry and he grabbed me by the ear, took me to his office where he gave me a hiding. I never forgot what he said to me leaving the office. "How would you like it if you waved at somebody and they never waved back?". Quite right he was too.

Think about it?

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and lastly, good night.

As children and adults this was hammered home into us. You greeted everyone you came into contact with and if you happened to be a child you doffed your hat in the process as well. Actually it was never a hard thing to do and I for one always thought of it as a good conversational opening. Firstly you have paid your respects, secondly you have made someone happy and thirdly it's a good start. Believe it or not this is still the norm back home in Zimbabwe irrespective of your social circumstances.

No doubt many of you will disagree with me, but personally this no longer happens, apart from certain people normally a generation older than us and I am no spring chicken myself.

At your work place, in the supermarket or the bank amongst the tellers etc. When was the last time somebody greeted you?. Even if you greet them first you are met with some surly stare. This is part and parcel of their work requirements as opposed to someone on the street. It's a disgrace and we should not accept it because it is not Good Manners.

This is the one that irritates me the most and today is almost Universally accepted, but in my mind it is not chivalrous.

Working on a dairy farm here in Ireland I often used to take my son along to help me out. Whether it was by choice or that I had coerced him into it is open to your imagination. He was about 14 years old at this time.

The kids get a long summer break from school here and mostly they try to get summer jobs for some added pocket money. It is a good time to get things done when you have been to busy in the past. Anyway my son talked a couple of his friends into coming to the farm. I thoroughly enjoyed having them and the interplay and to my great pleasure all of the kids who worked with me have subsequently invited me to their 21st. birthday parties.

Ah, but they were a great bunch of lads. Eventually however the huh, huh, huh, huhhing got to me and I decided to do something about it. So whenever we were having a tea break or lunch, I started working on them, much to their chagrin and consternation and they nearly always ended with, "what am I supposed to say?".

Firstly, " I beg your pardon".

Secondly, " Excuse me".

Take your pick of whichever you are more comfortable with. It took a bit of time but in the end whenever they said " huh " all I had to do was raise my eyebrows. This is still the case today and they will give a heavy sigh and sarcastically say, " I beg your pardon ". Whereupon we all burst out laughing. Sadly I was never able to get my boss on side, although I do suspect that he did it deliberately just to get me riled up.

Small things can make big differences. Hereon a few which still mean plenty to me but I seldom see.

I was taught to stand up if sitting whenever a woman walked into a room. Of course this never meant each and every time she walked in. Rather when she first walked in irrespective of where you are. Largely obsolete in todays world but I still do this and am often met with incredulous stares by them. Nothing is ever said, but you know what, secretly they still like this?. It is just a small token of respect for what they do in life.

By the same token wherever you are, on a bus, a train or anywhere, you offer the lady your chair. Recently I had skin cancer cut out of my nose and was back and forth to the hospital and was horrified at some of the things I saw. Old people obviously distressed, still standing whilst some youngster with a small dressing on his arm quite happily sits in a chair oblivious to everything. It wasn't only the youngsters, I will say "en masse." I am not sure if this is the new way or that they know no better, but to me it is a sad thing. Whatever happened to manners?

Somewhere around the sixties we all started losing our perspectives. Maybe it was about change but who am I to say. I can remember first starting to date and rushing around to open the car door before the date got in. I was confronted with," I can open my own door thanks." Of course the only time I ever didn't do this the date expected it of me, so I was still losing whichever way you looked at it.

In all my time as a kid and an adult I never heard my parents arguing or anybody else's. It is only human nature to do this but you did not do it in front of the children. For me this always showed the amount of respect they had for each other, soceity and children. In the same respect if the wife was annoyed all she had to do was raise one eyebrow. I've seen husbands walk straight through plate glass doors in their urge to rectify this.

I hasten to add that most of these women were not working mothers, consequently they never had the additional pressures with which the modern women is subjected to today. Like doing all the housework while we trot off to sport.

This may sound complex and mean different things to different people, but to me it is simple. What it means is, knowing right from wrong.

One can then ask, so what is right? Some things are big things and others are little things. Nearly always this begins from religious teachings and sometimes from philosophical teachings.

If you so happen to have a penchant for neither you can still contribute. Some of the poorest people I have come across seem to know this without benefit of an education. It stems from simple things like helping someone who is hungry especially when you have had the same experiences yourself or just being kind, nobody taught them this and I often wonder about it. It has led me to believe that it has to do with the structure of the society you live in.

Unfortunately in today's world it appears that most structures have been broken down especially in Africa where the old tribal structures have been preemted by western ideologies and are open to widespread corruption.

Elsewhere there are so many rights that it is hard to keep up with them and it is now the case where the victim has less rights than the criminal. This is the exact opposite of right from wrong. It is against chivalry and honour.

You have to draw a line somewhere. Sometimes this is not the easiest thing to do and it takes exceptionally strong men and women to try and enforce this. It starts in the home and from there it spreads throughout your society and ends with your elected officials who are entrusted with enforcing it and sadly, sometimes this leads to war. History is full of examples and in all of them whether you are the victor or the vanquished you still think you were right.

This is epitomised for me by the exceptional Second World War leader Winston Churchill when he said to a bunch of schoolchildren at a perilous time in his countries History: " Never give in, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense."

Perhaps we should all remember this when next we argue with those we love best?