How To Find a Good Marriage Counselor

How To Find a Good Marriage Counselor

You have fought the same fight over and over and each time have dug the rut deeper. A vacuum has developed between you that is the depth of the Grand Canyon. The kids, work, and working out siphon off all your energy, so you're losing touch. You find yourself staying away from home, either shopping or strategizing about everything but your marriage 'til you drop.

Finally you face it. Your marriage is in trouble. Both you and your spouse now acknowledge it.

Now what? How do you find a good marriage counselor?
Based on my over three decades of experience as a marriage counselor, I offer these 5 benchmarks as a gauge when deciding whom to hire to help you untangle the mess your relationship has become.

A good marriage counselor:

1.Is busy. I once had a patient who was a the team physician for a national league baseball team who opened my eyes to the importance of this. He got my name from one of his physician colleagues, which itself is often helpful in finding a good marriage counselor. But his final reassurance that they had made the best choice was when they had to wait over two weeks to get an appointment. Then he knew I was good at what I do.

2.Has special training in couples therapy. My personal pet peeve is counselors who hang out a shingle and call themselves marriage counselors with only one course in graduate school called Introduction To Family Therapy. Working with more than one person in the room is infinitely more complicated and complex than working with an individual. Good marriage counselors have taken specialized training in marriage and family therapy. Inquire about this on the intake phone call. And if the person you are interviewing has not had such training, keep searching.

3.Knows how to balance alliances so they can understand and support both members of the couple. This does not mean they necessarily have to agree with both members of the couple. But they should not gang up on one spouse in favor of the other, either. While it temporarily may feel good for the favored member of the couple, in the long run, it is guaranteed to further damage the marriage.

4.Understands that it takes two to tango. individual therapists who are trained to work with and advocate for one person tend to lay all the blame for the current relationship impasse at the feet of one person. The truth is that it takes two people to create a problem even if it appears on the surface that only one person has damaged the relationship. A well-trained marriage counselor knows this and does not engage in blaming or fault-finding.

5.Makes you safe, but not too comfortable for your own good. They know how to join with you and put you at ease. You can expect to have confidence that you have made the best choice by the end of the first couple of sessions. But if the sessions are merely storytelling or "schmoozing," you clearly have made the wrong choice. If such chats continues, you are in grave danger of thinking you have received help when you have merely attended therapy. Then you likely will continue to do same-old, same-old. Now what you don't know will hurt you. If you don't come out of sessions at least some of the time knowing you've done some good hard work, you've definitely been in the wrong place.
I hope you find these criteria helpful in your search for a good marriage counselor.

© Dr. Beth Erickson 7/08