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Chuck Norris Jokes

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Let's Pay Hommage To Chuck Norris

This lens is here to pay hommage to perhaps the most respected man on the internet - Chuck Norris! There are a few things, aka facts, that everyone should know about him. Yes, we're talking about the infamous Chuck Norris jokes.

For more great jokes, feel free to also check out the Funny Jokes Page Squidoo lens! A quick web search also found some more Chuck Norris jokes, so they're everywhere I suppose. Enjoy, and feel free to suggest your own Chuck Norris jokes/facts in the guestbook.

Chuck Norris Fanclub

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Ok, let the Chuck Norris jokes begin!


  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

  • Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Fourty seven times.

  • If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

  • Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

  • Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

  • Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

  • Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

  • Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

  • Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

  • Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football - in that order.

  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

  • If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

  • Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

  • 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA

  • Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

  • In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

  • If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

  • The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

  • Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

  • Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it (including this Squidoo lens).

Chuck Norris Jokes Via RSS

Comments from the Chuck Norris Facts page at FunnyandJokes.com

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Now Tell Me What You Think

Don't be shy, or Chuck Norris will rip out your guts and make a change purse out of them!

  • TeagueChubak Jan 23, 2012 @ 1:00 am | delete
    My favorite Chuck Norris joke is "Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • TeagueChubak Jan 23, 2012 @ 1:00 am | delete
    My favorite Chuck Norris joke is "Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • ChrissLJ Jun 19, 2011 @ 7:45 pm | delete
    Today when checking out Percy Jackson's UK site, I found out the Olympian gods made Chuck Norris the "god of geriatric martial artists." Love it that Chuck Norris jokes aren't just limited to the US.
  • dbzfreak May 11, 2011 @ 8:45 am | delete
    why does everyone hate him or use hime as a joke? I think it is because of his chest hair
  • carlajo73 Mar 5, 2011 @ 9:09 pm | delete
    These jokes always crack me up!! :)
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mdvaldosta

I have entirely too much to say, in fact most people wouldn't want to hear all of it. In fact, I don't even want to hear all of it. Wait, what?

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