Way back when I was 15, a gift was given to me from the Universe by way of my very favourite Aunt. That gift was the most gorgeous little red puppy I had ever laid my eyes on. Of course it was love at first sight! My mom suggested I name this little wonder Cinnamon...so I did! From that moment, I knew I had a friend for life. Someone who would listen to me and love me unconditionally no matter what!

Cinnamon and I had been through everything together! I helped her deliver her 9 gorgeous puppies, and she helped me learn how to love. She helped lessen the pain of being an awkward teenager, and in return, I promised to take care of her forever. We went everywhere together! We even packed up and went away to college! She always made me smile, even when I felt like crying, and she had a wonderful way of telling me that everything would be ok.

Our years together had been amazing, and it was always so great to know that I had someone waiting at home who couldn't wait to see me. Cinnamon was always my priority. She was very much like a child to me, as I'm sure many of you can relate to.

Cinnamon was a very gentle soul. She had a wisdom in her eyes that I could never explain, like she had lived a thousand lives. She was completely relaxed and easy going by nature. But, she was also a bit of a wanderer, and explorer. There were many times that she was naughty and escaped our yard to take herself on a tour of our various neighbourhoods. Those were the times I would be sick with worry! I would find myself calling out to her, and worrying that something had happened to her, and eventually, I would just sit on the side of the road and cry. And she would appear as if from nowhere. She would come and sit beside me and nudge me to pet her, and as mad as I would be, I could never stay angry with her. I was always just glad that she was safe!

A few years later, I found myself working at a t-shirt factory, which is where I got the idea to design shirts for dogs! Cinnamon was my muse, and I vowed that the first shirt I made would be for her.

As our years together went by, we saw many good times together. But, she was getting older, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold onto her forever. Cinnamon had suffered from Epilepsy from about age 4, and the seizures that she had, although infrequent, were always very stressful for us both. At age 11, our vet had sat down with me, and prepared me for her ailing health. I couldn't bear to think about being without her, but I knew that her happiness rested solely with me. I also knew that I was going to have to make the most difficult choice of my life, and it was going to be sooner rather than later. At that time, I was engaged, and the only thing I could think of was, what if she doesn't make it long enough to walk down the aisle with me?

But, I think she knew how important it was for me to have her there on my special day, and she hung in like the trooper she was! My girl walked down the aisle right before my father and I, and it was the most special moment of my life. I was so happy that she was there to share it with me.

After that, I knew it wouldn't be long. She suffered terrible separation anxiety, and going up and down the stairs was so hard on her aging body. But, she kept trying. When she stopped coming to bed, I knew she was telling me that she was tired. I knew then, that I had to face the reality of losing her. I didn't want the responsibility of holding her life in my hands, but I couldn't stand by and watch my very best friend in the world suffer. I worried about making the wrong choice, and once it was done, it was irreversable.

So, I decided to see our trusted vet. I knew she had Cinnamon's best interests in mind just as much as I did. I didn't need the vet to say anything. I knew what she was going to say, and it had been almost a whole year since we had seen her the last time. She asked me if our year had been a good one, and I couldn't agree more. But I still needed some time to say goodbye to her.

The two weeks that followed were immensely difficult for me. I knew what I was about to do, and I couldn't live with myself. I felt so guilty. I felt so lost. There wasn't anyone who could console me...except Cinnamon. Thankfully, I wasn't working at the time, and I had all my time to devote to doing her favourite things. I let her eat treats all the time, and do the things that she loved most! I didn't deny her anything.

We had a lot of long talks in that time. And she let me know that it was ok, and that she was ready to go home and wait for me. For days before we had to go back, I spent every moment taking pictures of her, so that I could remember just how glorious she was. I took 200 pix of her in one day! I pet her, hugged and kissed her, and let her wear her best collar...the pretty one with the butterflies on it that she wore to the wedding. She looked more beautiful in her final days than I can recall she ever did. She was filled with a light and a calm that I had never seen before.

The day she died was overcast, but we spent some time outside before the rain playing and laughing at our pug puppy Brutus. I knew that he would also be lost without her, but I was glad to have him to hold onto. My neighbours had been coming over for a few days so that they could say goodbye to her as well. The one thing about Cinnamon was that everyone who ever met her fell madly in love with her. She had many people who loved her deeply. We let her stick her head out the window and let the wind blow her ears, which she loved!

Just as we arrived at the vet's, it became very dark. The rain hadn't started, but the thunder and lightening were very present. We were ushered into a private waiting room right away so that we could have some privacy before we met with Dr. Gough. The people at Park Road Animal Hospital in Brantford, were amazing. They laid out a blanket for Cinnie to lay down on, and I laid down with her. She was so calm that day. Like she knew what was happening, and that she was happy to be free from her pain. Everybody there kept coming and feeding her all kinds of treats, and she loved it! But everyone left with a tear in their eye. They all loved her too.

I knew that I was having her cremated, so we had to look through an enormous catalog for the perfect memorial. But, at last I found the one I wanted. It was so perfect, just like she was. It would have a picture on one side where her ashes would be contained behind, and on the other side, a clay imprint of her paw. It was little consolation though.

I told her then, that I was sorry for all the times I had been mean to her, and couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her. I asked her if she was ready to see Gator (my mom's dog whom she had 9 pups with) whom had passed years before. She wagged her tail! I named all the pets that we had known that had passed before, and told her that they were waiting for her. She looked so happy! I asked her if she wanted to be able to run and jump again, and she told me yes. I told her that she could see those other animals, and do those things in Summerland, and she was so excited to be going somewhere that she wouldn't feel pain anymore. I was overwhelmed by her calmness, and her eagerness to be on the other side. I knew that she was finally ready to leave me. I tried to sound as happy as I could so that she wouldn't be scared, but instead be excited to be pain-free. And, it worked. I told her then that I wanted her to wait for me and meet me, and I know she will.

Dr. Gough came in, and we talked about what was going to happen, what it would look like, and what to expect. I wasn't ready, but I had to do it for Cinnamon. They even shaved a little of her fur off and put it in a little baggie for me to keep. Cinnamon looked at us, and I was stroking her when the needle went in, and she looked at me one last time and put her head down. I told her that it was ok to go, that it was time. She looked remarkably beautiful after she had gone. Like she was sleeping, but different. So at peace. I knew that I had made the right decision. I wanted to be selfish longer, but I couldn't let her continue to be in pain for my selfish reasons. I laid down with her for a long time after it was over, just petting her and loving her. I could feel her essence around me, and I felt peaceful. When we left, it was storming violently, and I was glad Cinnamon didn't have to be in that, cuz she was terrified of thunder!

I got a memorial tattoo a few days later, and while I was going under the needle, she was being cremated. It actually made me feel better knowing that.

Cinnamon has been gone from me for just over a year now, and it was then that I decided to persue my dream of having a company where I can make t-shirts for doggies. She is my inspiration, and always will be. I love her and miss her very much. I opened my website a week and a half after the anniversary of her death. It is for her, that I do what I do. I want Cinnamon to be proud of me for following my dreams. I also want everyone to know that just because she is gone from me physically, she is with me everywhere I go.

Wow...that was the hardest thing I think I've written since I wrote Cinnamon a letter. I apologize for getting so heavy, and I've cried alot while I wrote this, but I speak from my heart, and I believe in being human. My company may be so small, but I am a real person with a genuine love and respect of animals. I am hoping to reach others like me, and maybe they'll like my designs!

I want other people to have a Cinnamon Grrl too. Only then can people truly understand what love is.

Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you on my site!

I hope I didn't depress anyone with my tale, but I believe that even companies should have faces. I am a real person with real difficulties just like everyone else, and I believe in sharing experiences with others.

Please visit my website. I sell sassy dog t-shirts with cheeky phrases such as 'Bitches Luv Me' and 'I'm not wearing any underwear'. I am featuring my 'Pride' t-shirt, cuz no one knows about acceptance and unconditional love like your four-legged friends!

I also carry tote bags, magnets, note cards, and more, and soon I hope to carry human tees that reflect Cinnamon Grrl's sassiness!

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