Looking for Really Funny, Clean Jokes?

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors the boat and settles in to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking it rather obvious.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," says the warden as he motors away

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking wafting up from the kitchen.
He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking the cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral!"

A farmer was walking to his pond with a bucket. He was going to get water for his pigs.

He saw two young women skinny-dipping in the pond. As soon as they saw him, they both dropped below the water line. As he stood there, one of the girls yelled back, "we're not going anywhere until you leave" He responded, I'm not here to watch you, I just came to feed the 'gaters!"

The Grasshopper!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, give me a drink."
The bartender can't believe his eyes and
says, "Oh my Gosh, I can't believe this,
you're a talking grasshopper! Do you
know we have drink named after you?"
The Grasshopper replies, "You have a
drink named Calvin?"

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have atleast seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

10 signs your an Internet geek?

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Two guys are out hunting. One shoots the other accidentally.

He calls 911 and the operators says "okay calm down, first thing is to make sure he's dead"

the operator hears gunshot then the voice comes back and says, "okay now what!"

Article writing help

The most important thing is to not be afraid of embarrassment. You will need to be a clown, be a fool. Some of your jokes will work and some will not, but they all need to be tested no matter what. In order to accurately be sure of the results of your test, you will need to be your own worst critic. The response you want is a full belly laugh, a loud guffaw, not just a polite giggle.

Learn to write articles.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man, "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks? Ten what?"
"Nine..."

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