Divorce Without Drama

If you can believe it, about 1 million couples in the United States divorce every year! In a perfect world, those break ups would all be amicable. Even with the best intentions, the train can easily jump off the track.

Give Up the Idea of Win-Lose

Collaborative Divorce is a process that more and more couples are discovering. Rather than heading to divorce court, both parties sit down with attorneys and discuss and resolve issues like asset distribution, child custody, and even family and spousal support.

The Benefits

The traditional divorce process creates wounds that can go on for years, sometimes forever. A Collaborative Divorce involves a financial consultant, a child specialist, and a coach or therapist for each party. Generally both the husband and wife will each have their own attorney. The Collaborative Divorce isn't necessarily cheap, but it generally will cost you much less than an acrimonious and drawn out court battle.

Employing a Collaborative Divorce strategy allows you to wrap things up QUICKER. You won't be subject to the calendars and schedules of the divorce courts, where even the simplest scheduling can be drawn out over the course of several months.

Perhaps the best part of Collaborative Divorce is you can create arrangements that sometimes court judges cannot and will not grant.

No more finger pointing.

Don't keep score.

Don't tear down the other parent.

Focus on what IS, not what WAS.

Be willing to forgive.

Children who come from single parent families or "broken homes" are often considered to be at a disadvantage. But consider how a child who grows up in two loving homes, with supportive and non-conflicted parents might grow up.

Often times the distrust or pain that parents feel toward their ex-partner can lead them to act in ways that actually do emotional harm to their children. Collaborative Divorce keeps the focus where it belongs: on maintaining healthy relations once the parties have separated.

Collaborative Divorce seeks to find ways in which the parties can act together, while living separately, to build and maintain a strong family unit. Divorce doesn't mean your family is "breaking up." It simply means that your family will look differently than it used to.

Currently, Collaborative Divorce is available in all states except for Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming.

Your time with the kids might just be part-time, but you're always their parent. Remember that you always have choices. You can nurture bitterness and try to alienate your children from the other parent. Big lose-lose proposition. Or you can take time for yourself, to grow, get to know yourself and your children better, and begin to focus on your own goals.

Every parent knows that there is nothing easy about parenting. Everyone makes mistakes. The key to a solid relationship with your children is making sure they feel loved and accepted. This allows them to understand and forgive any mistakes you might make.

When children are involved in a divorce, the way we communicate about our ex-partner has a profound effect on our children's relationship with the other parent. Don't make the following mistakes - you'll end up hurting your child.

Name calling.

Don't minimize or tear down the other parent. EVER. Children internalize conflict and take on responsibility for things that they have absolutely no control over. If you voice your disapproval or dislike of the other parent, your child feels conflicted for loving that person whom you dislike.

Talk about money.

Children don't need to share the burden of money worries or disagreements. What your children should know is that they have a warm, loving, and safe home and their parents love them. Money should not be something your children are aware of, especially school aged children.

Alienating.

Encourage your children to spend time with the other parent. Nurture their relationship with your ex-partner. Make it as easy as possible for the other parent to stay up-to-date with school updates, extra curricular activities, accomplishments, play dates, etc. Children thrive emotionally when they have two active parents involved in their lives. Children should feel like their parents' worlds revolve around them. That's what builds their self-esteem and healthy image of self.

Help build your child's excitement toward visits at the other parent's home. Talk frequently about the other parent, in glowing terms, so your child will see your ex-partner as someone who loves them and supports them, even when they are not physically around.

Build your own support network.

Make sure you have adults in your life who support YOU. Share your concerns, frustrations, and worries with your adult friends, not your children. Your primary job as a parent is to offer loving guidance to your child. This is easier when you can share the tough times with a trusted friend, out of ear shot of your child. Too many divorcing parents turn to their children for emotional support. Remember it is your job to support THEM, not the other way around.

Help Your Kids Thrive...
Making Promises... Be careful not to make promises that you cannot keep. If you promise to see your kids "next weekend," make darn sure that you do. Kids, especially after the separation, will be looking to you to be consistent, nurturing, and loving.

Be There... When it's your time with the kids, be there. Not just physically of course, but emotionally. Don't have your kids for weekend visits, and then fill up your time doing things without them. Don't pick up extra work shifts when you have the kids, don't make social plans that don't include them, and don't relegate your visit to an entire weekend in front of the television. Show your kids that you are delighted that you have the time together. Spending your time with your children is of course a legal right, but more importantly to them, it's a genuine privilege to have these amazing people in your life. Make sure you treat that time as special.

From a personal standpoint, I can tell you that while the decision to separate and divorce might not be easy, you can consciously choose to divorce with dignity. You have the power to greatly reduce the stress to your family and your finances.

Sometimes it means compromise. But in every case, it means living with self respect, and allowing your ex or soon-to-be-ex to maintain their dignity as well.

When my ex-husband and I separated we decided that we could always earn more money, we could always buy another house, we could always buy more "stuff"...but we would never have the opportunity to "do it over" and erase the psychological and emotional trauma we might put our children through if we let things get ugly. Decision Made.

After 5 years, my ex and I have never had a harsh word between us, and we maintain our focus on co-parenting our children in a healthy, and loving way.