I Complete Me

Familiar with the expression, "Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it". I am becoming all too familiar with it. I seem to have a lot of that these days.
The saving grace? I am catching myself quicker, resolving things a bit better, and most importantly, I am not alone in sorting it all out. Sure, sure, I complete me and I'm happy. However, in the past, I was always alone when trying to "fix" my thoughts and such.
For the first time in my life, I am not alone. I truly appreciate the closeness and love...in words and in actions. Thank you for your patience...I know, it's worth it.

About one year ago, the Universe sent the word "Be" into my life. I didn't really notice it as a big deal. Then, it threw it at me again. And again. And again. Over and over, people I spoke with and places I went were peppered with the word "Be". It was everywhere.

I attended an art show. The friend I was with went one way, while I was drawn to some pretty, shiney things in a different direction. When my friend caught up to me, they started looking at the entire booth. (I had been pulled only to the little, tiny display at the front of the booth with the shiney objects.) When I looked up to see what my friend was looking at, the entire booth was called, you guessed it, "Be". There were signs and plaques. There were poems. There was metal work. Everything was something about "Be".
Be Happy.
Be Content.
Be Yourself.
Be Good. (There was no reference to E.T.)
All objects and artwork centered around the idea that you should "be". Meaning to exist...this way...or that way. All encouraging and positive "Be" statements
were hanging everywhere inside this large booth.

Like the Pisces that I am, I was hooked and reeled in with the shiney, little object in front of me. I didn't notice the big boat overhead that was reeling me in. I didn't feel the pull on my soul, just a gentle persuasion by shiney objects to come hither.
After talking with the terrific lady who started, owned and created the artwork for a bit, my friend and I walked away. We had passed several other booths with artwork, jewelry, and glass pieces, when the terrific lady caught up to us from behind and stopped us. She gave me a big hug and said, "After you left, I felt compelled to give this to you. I don't know why, but you're supposed to have it." She handed a small black velvet pouch to me. I opened the drawstring and dumped the contents of the bag into my hand. It was a small circle made of the purest, shiniest silver. It had a simple message on it. My friend laughed. Something I surely should have known by now. It said "BE".

I have found peace with myself and am learning everyday to ... BE!

I have been told that self-suffecient and self-fulfilled women are selfish. I respectfully disagree. Though, I am sure there are women who are selfish, I would suggest that those are the women who are NOT self-fulfilled. I would suggest that the more selfish a person (any person) is, the more their needs are not being met by themselves or anyone. I am able to give to another when I am not worried about my own needs being met. I am ok; now, I can give to you.
When I take responsibility for my happiness, I remove that burden from anyone else. I chose to be happy, or find a way to gain the happiness I seek. I do not wait for another person to "grant me the right" to happiness or bring happiness to me. I allow myself to be happy with where I am in life right now. I accept that I am not perfect. I will make mistakes through my whole life. God has given all humans the right to free will, therefore, errors will be made. That is how we learn. We do not learn nearly as much if we simply live to serve and obey; especially, if we are serving other people. We become servants of human will, instead of God's will.

Taking God out of the equation for a moment, I offer this thought. When I take full responsibility for making sure my needs are met, I am better able to give to someone else. If I am selfishly waiting for someone, let's say "Mr. Right", to come along and satisfy my desire for happiness, will he ever succeed? It would be possible for him, only if he knew and understood my every thought, desire, hunger, and fear. (He can't possibly understand, because he is not me.) And what about him?
Doesn't "Mr. Right" deserve his happiness? Is he waiting for me to show up and give him permission to be happy? If both people are waiting for someone else to bring happiness and meet their needs, they will be waiting a long time. If two people wait for someone else to "complete them", when they come together, with emptiness and desire, neither one stands a chance of fulfilling the other.

I am happy. I want "Mr. Right" to already be happy when we meet. I don't want the obligation of having to complete someone else. I refuse to put that kind of pressure onto someone I care about (again - yes, I've learned. See "Hey, Girlfriend"). If two people walk with happiness and contentment in their hearts towards each other, their happiness can be magnified and grow. Wanting someone to fill their own needs and not wait for you is not selfish. Being happy and having met your own needs allows you to have more to offer to someone else. That is why, I complete me.

If "Mr. Right" is out there for me, I do not wish to fix him or change him. (Isn't that a common complaint from men? That women are always trying to change them.) I hope to find him complete, happy and content (that does not mean perfect) so that I may add more joy and encourage him with his desires for his life. (Although, I reserve the right to "tweak" him!!)

It might seem a bit depressing at first. Realize how liberating it is!! I am not in a relationship of the romantic kind. For a while, it bummed me out (see "Hey Girlfriend"). I was having so much fun with one man that I forgot how much fun I am all by myself! Now, I've remembered! No, I've learned! (No, I don't blame the guy. I blame myself for getting lost in who he is and I abandoned myself.)

III'mmmm BBBaaaaaccckkkk!!!! I have been taking myself to many fun things! I've been spoiling myself a bit. Let's see...where to start?
I have been driving my 1968 Pontiac Firebird convertible! Yeah! I put insurance on it earlier than ever before. I had forgotten how it makes me smile to feel the wind in my hair! The car runs well and looks great! So what if it has a little rust on it's rear panels? I compare that to my wrinkles - it's life is showing!

I've taken myself out for dancing. Although I can't really dance, I can really have fun. I even slow danced with myself at one place. Twice, I dipped myself - that was pretty funny! I've also danced the way the exotic girls taught me (that's a fun story!). If anyone thought I looked foolish, I would have agreed with them. Foolish or not, I danced. That's what I went to do!

I made plans to attend events and I didn't ask anyone to come with me. I want to soak in the experiences life has to offer. (Friends are great - don't get me wrong.) I have found a comfort level within myself that has allowed me to be...to be. Yes, that's it. For months, the Universe kept throwing the phrase "be" at me. Over and over, I was exposed to "be" and I didn't have any idea what that meant. Now, I know. I am comfortable with myself whether I'm with friends, a date, or alone. No more pretending to be complete. I am. I can "be" and it feels wonderful. Peaceful. Complete.

I am enjoying my life. I am doing the things I like to do. I am used to being on my own and it feels good. A long time ago, I used to listen to Whitesnake's song and feel sad. Now, it has become sort of an anthem for me. "Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone. I've made up my mind; I ain't wastin' no more time!" I am not waiting for "Mr. Right". I'm doing the things I wanted to do with him - instead, with ME!!

I have noticed that protecting oneself from heartbreak doesn't only happen within a person. I have seen, and am also guilty of, accumulation of things around a person's nest. I don't mean letting the dishes go for the night. I am talking about real amounts of stuff. Whether it is a collection of nick nacks, masses of clothing, or, my choice, books, books, and more books. Sometimes it is just a matter of time until your stuff owns you.
While it may be fine to have a nice library, my problem goes on from there. I have stacks of books next to my bed that I am reading. There are books under my bed, and in boxes, on the dresser, on my desk, and in piles, and ... everywhere! I try to justify it to myself that the problem is that I don't have enough bookshelves. (I have eleven.) No, the problem is that I keep accumulating books in my endless search for happiness.

I keep accumulating books in my endless search for happiness.

Yes, I said that twice to make a point. What item could you put in place of the word books to describe your walls? What are you using to keep yourself from being hurt? Do you spend a lot of time shopping for things you don't need? Do you spend money on things that you take home and pile somewhere? Are these the same things that just sit and occupy space in your home? The things you don't even use? The things you have to clean - or worse, clean around?
By surrounding myself with books, yes, I am surrounding myself with a beneficial way to spend time. I am also surrounding myself physically with a barrier. I see a direct connection between the fear I have of getting my heart broken (AGAIN!!!) and the amount of books piled in my home. (Even with all the books to protect me, I managed to get my heart broken. My solution, which I only now recognize, was to buy more books!)
In my quest to find happiness, I will be removing the overflowing books. This should allow enough space that I can get closer to me!
Now, it's your turn. Tear down your walls!

I was offering advice to a friend about a relationship. I want the best for my friend and thought she might benefit from some of what I had to offer. It backfired.

Instead of her learning from my "enlightened state of being", I hit myself hard with the cold truth. I typed all kinds of information I thought she could use. When I checked over it to see if I had any typos, I "accidentally" read the meaning of what I had said.

It hit pretty hard, like a sack of bricks to the face.

Here I am saying "I Complete Me" when really, I was hiding from the fact that I still felt incomplete. The last big relationship I had was great except for a few things. Me, me, and maybe, him, a little. I was so caught up in how awesome he is, that I forgot how to be me. I didn't see how I was not being myself anymore. Instead of continuing to be the girl he liked, I became the girl he couldn't get rid of.

I felt butterflies anytime I thought about him. They were stronger when I was heading to see him. Once I was with him, I felt happy, calm and safe. I felt complete. (I'm almost ashamed to say it.) What kind of pressure is that - to like a man so completely that I lost myself in him. (Don't get me wrong, I did like him. He is a talented and interesting person.) That doesn't change what I need to fix in myself.

I am saying that "I almost complete me". I feel like a hypocrit for thinking I had myself all figured out. (See "Hey, Buddy" below!)

The best part about this, is that now that I realize what I have done, I can take steps to change. You can't fix what isn't broken. Sometimes you have to look with someone else's eyes to see where you are broken.

I have found something that will always be with me. No matter what I think, or do, or say, it will always be there to surprise me. It is "change". Of all the things in the world, the one thing I can count on is that just when I have "it all figured out", it will change.

Don't bother with worry. Change is not a bad thing. Seasons change. Maybe one season is more to someone's liking than another. That doesn't mean that any particular season is bad, just different. Life is the same - only on a much bigger scale. Life is filled with changes. Some changes are expected and some are a sudden surprise. The important thing that I have noticed is that change is growth. Change is opportunity for learning. If everything stays the same, there is a limit to what can be learned.

In my life, I have encountered small changes, heartbreaking changes, and extreme life altering changes. Though I would never have wished them on anyone, I have found peace with what life has given to me to learn from. Now, I have it all figured out...