The Importance of Knowing How to Compliment Someone
Getting people to like you can be its own reward, but it also goes a long way to getting you what you want. Think about it. How much more likely is someone to respond positively to a request, if they are your friend? As human beings, it's natural we all want to help our friends before strangers, because we assume that when the time comes our friends will also help us.
One of the best ways to make a friend is to compliment somebody, but this also comes with its dangers, and do's and don'ts. Giving and receiving compliments is an art in and of itself, an art that unfortunately, few master in our culture.
The following techniques are tried and proven. I've read them a while back in Leil Lowndes's excellent book, How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. But more on that later on. Now, on to the good stuff!
One of the best ways to make a friend is to compliment somebody, but this also comes with its dangers, and do's and don'ts. Giving and receiving compliments is an art in and of itself, an art that unfortunately, few master in our culture.
The following techniques are tried and proven. I've read them a while back in Leil Lowndes's excellent book, How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. But more on that later on. Now, on to the good stuff!
The Stuff Downstairs
How to Compliment Someone Contents
- One Size Does Not Fit All!
- Little Things Go a Long Way!
- Complimenting Is Not Butt-Kissing!
- Be the Carrier Pigeon That Brings the Good News!
- Imply It, Rather Than Say It!
- The Right Words at the Right Time...
- You're Right. Thank You!
- More goodies inside!
- How to Talk to Anyone
- About Leil Lowndes
- What do you think?
One Size Does Not Fit All!
Choose Your Compliments Wisely!
As part of everyday existence we take in information and interpret it in the light of our unique life experiences. Therefore the same sentence will not sound the same to you, as it does for me. Praise is no exception. Think about how the compliment "You have huge biceps!" would sound to a bodybuilder and a scientist.
When talking to someone always be on the lookout for the traits they value most in themselves. If his hobby is playing chess, compliment him on his smarts. If she likes clubbing, compliment her on her fashion style. If he's a businessman that brags about having always been fair with his clients or partners, compliment him on his honesty.
These type of personalized compliments are immensely powerful, and the right one delivered at the right moment can instantly turn a stranger into a friend. That's why they are best delivered in private settings and to avoid overdoing it, it's best not to use them to often on the same person.
Little Things Go a Long Way!
Little Compliments Add Up!
At the opposite side of the compliment spectrum are the little nice things you say every time someone does something right: "Nice job Keith!" "Not too shabby, Alice!" "The garden is looking great, Gonzales!". Avoid letting even the smallest thing go unpraised. It costs you nothing, makes you come across as positive and upbeat, and can make somebody's day.
In her book, How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships , Leil Lowndes gives the heart wrenching example of a little girl who often misbehaved and her mother had to reprimand her. One day the little girl was especially nice and didn't do anything naughty all day. That evening after bed time, her mother heard sobbing coming from the little girl's room. When the mother rushed into the room and asked what had happened, the little girl answered with tears in her eyes: "Mommy, haven't I been a pretty good girl today?"
Don't make the same mistake. Praise every little thing that can be praised.
Complimenting Is Not Butt-Kissing!
How to Compliment Someone by Means of Others!
We all like being complimented, that's a fact. But we like it even more if we think the speaker is being sincere. When complimenting face-to-face someone you might not know very well (like your boss), you run the risk of coming across as butt-kissing. "Oh, another one of those!", the intended beacon of light will think, and promptly include you in the category of those who are trying to further their interests by means of flattery. The solution to coming across as sincere is surprisingly simple. Don't do it!
"What, don't give compliments to my boss?!", you ask flabbergasted. Yes, you heard me correctly. At least not to his face. Consider it. How much more credible praise sounds if it comes from a disinterested observer, than from someone that has something to gain? Instead of telling the target, tell someone he or she is close to, like a colleague or an assistant.
You can bet that in 90% of the cases, the praise reaches its intended recipient right away. The assistant might say to him: you know, X (that is you) said the nicest thing about you at lunch break. And when he hears it, you can bet he will think it's sincere. After all he wasn't even around, so you couldn't have said it just to score points!
You can be sure the colleague or assistant will relay your news, because he has something to gain by it, too. It's good to be the messenger that brings the good tidings. And this brings us to the next technique.
Be the Carrier Pigeon That Brings the Good News!
How to Compliment Using Someone Else's Compliments!
One of the many mysteries of human nature is that often when we hear bad things we're quick to tell others, but when someone sais anything nice about somebody else, we're inclined to keep it to ourselves.
If you are like that, than it's a habit it is best to unlearn. Next time you hear something nice about someone, don't let it rest with you. Pass it on to the person being complimented. He or she will enjoy hearing it, and part of the kudos transmitted will reflect back at you. After all, everyone loves the bringer of glad tidings!
Imply It, Rather Than Say It!
How to Compliment Someone Obliquely
Another very effective way of conveying praise is to let the intended recipient deduce it from your comments, instead saying it outright. For example "Boy, you could have solved that brain teaser in five minutes, but it took me all afternoon" might carry more punch than "You're much smarter than me".
Or you could say to an older woman who had cosmetic surgery since the last time you met: "How did the operation go?" then pause and continue "oh, it's obviously went well".
One thing to watch out for when making this kind of compliments, is that they do not backfire. So pay attention to all their implications. How would it be like if in the above example you would have said instead "See, cosmetic surgery can make even you look well"? The message stays the same, but the reaction of the target would probably be quite different.
Keep in mind that we all put much more faith in things we think we figured out for ourselves, than in facts that were spoon-fed to us. Complimenting is no exception and by indirectly complimenting you manage to create powerful good feelings, while at the same avoiding to sound like a flatterer.
Or you could say to an older woman who had cosmetic surgery since the last time you met: "How did the operation go?" then pause and continue "oh, it's obviously went well".
One thing to watch out for when making this kind of compliments, is that they do not backfire. So pay attention to all their implications. How would it be like if in the above example you would have said instead "See, cosmetic surgery can make even you look well"? The message stays the same, but the reaction of the target would probably be quite different.
Keep in mind that we all put much more faith in things we think we figured out for ourselves, than in facts that were spoon-fed to us. Complimenting is no exception and by indirectly complimenting you manage to create powerful good feelings, while at the same avoiding to sound like a flatterer.
The Right Words at the Right Time...
Complimenting Someone Is a Matter of Timing
Have you ever had to do anything in front of a crowd, everyone in the audience watching and judging your performance? And when you finally finished and got off the stage, your heart pounding, a friend approached you and said "You did great"? If so, you know how exhilarating that can be.
There are times in life, when we simply must have a compliment. And if later on we realize that friend was lying and in fact we had stunk, we will nevertheless think him a better friend for it. If he had said what he did five minutes later, when we would already have been with our feet back on the ground, his compliment would be either casually accepted or taken as an offense, if it was obviously false.
Alas, there are times when one needs like air, a compliment there and then. Be the one that gives it, even if it is false, and it will have the value of a hundred true ones at the wrong time.
You're Right. Thank You!
How to Respond to Compliments Is as Important as Giving Them!
One part at which a lot of people are deficient, yours included until he read this book, is receiving compliments. We let most of them sail by with a casual or even embarrassed "Thanks!" Or even worse, we try to dismiss them: "What, this old thing?" "Just luck".
Think how much better you feel if, when you make a compliment the recipient answers with "Thank you for your kind words" or "Oh, you remembered that! You have a very good memory". Would you like to compliment such a person again?
More goodies inside!
How to Compliment Someone and Much More!
If you found the above tips interesting, consider buying How to Talk to Anyone. Beyond the chapter on compliments it also contains sections on:
- Body language
- Making small talk and flirting
- Conveying competence and intelligence
- Communicating effectively using voice only media (aka phone)
- How to be an insider in any crowd
- Creating rapport
- Behaving at social gatherings
- How to make someone love you
How to Talk to Anyone
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 12/20/2009)
About Leil Lowndes
LEIL LOWNDES is an internationally acclaimed writer, motivational speaker, and corporate trainer. She has spoken, consulted, and conducted training programs in every major city in the US and many abroad. Leil has written 7 books and 6 audio programs on all types of interpersonal communicating. Her books have been translated into 18 languages, and she has received testimonials from dozens of top communicators, including the following:
ON SOCIAL COMMUNICATING
"You'll not only break the ice, you'll melt it away with your new skills."
LARRY KING, talk show host
ON BUSINESS COMMUNICATING
"Leil teaches you how to talk and communicate with heart and soul that will get results NOW."
MARK VICTOR HANSEN, author of the best selling "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series
ON ROMANTIC COMMUNICATING
"Every single person I know asks, 'HOW can I meet her/him?'At last, Leil gives us the answers."
REGIS PHILBIN, talk show host
ON SEXUAL COMMUNICATING
"The real deal. A classic guide to piece together the puzzle that is the opposite sex. The information is this book is powerful . . . highly recommended!"
NEIL STRAUSS, author of "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists."
Bio From Leil's website
What do you think?
Please comment if you feel like it. Be kind though, it's my first lens after all.
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- ddixonart ddixonart Oct 29, 2009 @ 8:11 pm
- I liked this page, great advice!
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- AntionetteTate AntionetteTate Jun 29, 2009 @ 7:42 pm
- Hi. This was a very helpful lens for me because I do not do very well with receiving compliments. After reading your lens, I am going to respond to people who compliment me the same way that I would expect a person to respond when I give them a compliment. Thanks. 5*
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- a_willow a_willow Jun 13, 2009 @ 11:18 am
- You are one of April 2009 graduates! Come by and answer few questions to show the way to those who will follow! Wish you many, many more great lenses!
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- ChineseKitesforKids ChineseKitesforKids May 25, 2009 @ 7:26 pm
- A very nice lens! 5*****
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- daria369 daria369 May 7, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
- Great lens, very useful advice!! :)
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by wordsmithen
I'm a 26 year old business graduate, who in his free time enjoys reading, writing and playing old point and click adventure games. (more)
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