The Conflict Resolution Process

Conflict happens for many reasons. The three biggest ones I've noticed are:

1. Different expectations - People have different expectations about how a situation should be handled. These different expecatations can come from:
   
   
   • Different personality styles
   
   
   • Different life experiences
   
   
   • Different cultures
   
   
   • Different genders
   
   
   • Different functional responsibilities in an organization
   
   Whatever the source, these expectations affect the filters we use to interpret the world around us.


2. Miscommunication - We don't always understand what other people really mean. As my friend JJ Brun says: "Communication is simple. It's just not easy."


3. Unmet needs - People generally behave in ways that get their needs met. When needs go unmet for long enough, people start to "act out" to get them met.

Of the threee, I think the biggest challenge comes from the miscommunication issue. For some further insights, check my Why Conflicts Go Bad article on my Conflict Can be Good lens.

Dan Dana, author of Managing Differences and owner of the Mediation Training Institute, says that our problem in conflict isn't that we argue too much. It's that we don't argue long enough. He doesn't mean that we should argue in a destructive way. By that statement, he means that we need to stay engaged in the conflict conversation long enough to develop an action plan.

We often don't "argue" long enough because we have a hard-wired emotional response commonly known as "fight-or-flight."

The "fight" response often leads to the "power-play" approach in interpersonal conflict. Power plays usually lead to hurt feelings and damaged relationships.

The "flight" response often leads to the "walk-away" approach to interpersonal conflict. Walk aways leave conflict unresolved and issues unaddressed.

The way to reach a breakthrough in a conflict is to fight the urge to either walk-away or to use a power-play and to engage in a very intentional conflict resolution discussion.

The process to mediate a conflict works most of the time. You can use it to mediate between you and another person or you can use it to mediate a conflict between two of your co-workers or family members. It goes like this:

1. Define the problem in the conflict. Your anger (frustration, irritation, hurt feelings, etc.) is probably not the problem. Carefully examine the situation and identify a non-accusatory, objective description of the problem.


2. Ask the other party to meet with you for a protected, uninterrupted conversation for the purpose of resolving the conflict. Resist the urge to get drawn in to a conversation on-the-spot. You want to schedule a time for conversation. You probably do not want to have the conversation immediately. You definitely do not want to have it "on-the-fly."


3. Find a quiet, uninterrupted place, and set aside about 2 hours for the conversation. It may not take the full 2 hours. You just want to allow plenty of time to reach resolution.


4. Have the conversation and resist the urge to leave too soon (walk-away) or to push too hard (power-play).


5. Notice and comment on anything positive the other person says. (For example: when they acknowlegde a piece of your perspective, apologize for their actions, etc.)


6. Stick with it until you can both agree on a course of action from this time onward. You do not have to agree on every individual point. You just need to have an action plan for moving forward.


7. Document your action plan for both parties to sign and keep a copy.

There's the overview of a successfull conflict resolution conversation. For more specific information about different parts of the process or other communication skills, check the featured lenses and links sections of this lens.

The material in this lens is provided for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice or as creating an attorney-client relationship. This lens should not be used as a substitute for competent legal advice from a licensed professional attorney in your state.