Understanding The Conflict Resolution Process
Stuck in a conflict? Don't know what to do or how to resolve it? Maybe you're not the one in the conflict, but you know two people who are. How can you help without getting drawn into the battle. This lens describes the conflict resolution process so that you know some steps to take to resolve conflict.
This lens also contains links to other lenses to help you resolve conflicts more effectively.
Image courtesy of www.sxc.hu.
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Conflict Resolution Resource Center
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Seven Ways To Improve Your Communication During Conflict
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Understanding Why Conflicts Happen
Conflict happens for many reasons. The three biggest ones I've noticed are:- Different expectations - People have different expectations about how a situation should be handled. These different expecatations can come from:
- Different personality styles
- Different life experiences
- Different cultures
- Different genders
- Different functional responsibilities in an organization
Whatever the source, these expectations affect the filters we use to interpret the world around us. - Miscommunication - We don't always understand what other people really mean. As my friend JJ Brun says: "Communication is simple. It's just not easy."
- Unmet needs - People generally behave in ways that get their needs met. When needs go unmet for long enough, people start to "act out" to get them met.
Of the threee, I think the biggest challenge comes from the miscommunication issue. For some further insights, check my Why Conflicts Go Bad article on my Conflict Can be Good lens.
To Resolve Conflict Well, Focus on... LISTENING
Listening is more powerful than talking during conflict resolution.
When you listen well, you can respond in more appropriate ways.
The Conflict Resolution Process
This is NOT for professionals only. Go Ahead. Try it at home.
Dan Dana, author of Managing Differences and owner of the Mediation Training Institute, says that our problem in conflict isn't that we argue too much. It's that we don't argue long enough. He doesn't mean that we should argue in a destructive way. By that statement, he means that we need to stay engaged in the conflict conversation long enough to develop an action plan.We often don't "argue" long enough because we have a hard-wired emotional response commonly known as "fight-or-flight."
The "fight" response often leads to the "power-play" approach in interpersonal conflict. Power plays usually lead to hurt feelings and damaged relationships.
The "flight" response often leads to the "walk-away" approach to interpersonal conflict. Walk aways leave conflict unresolved and issues unaddressed.
The way to reach a breakthrough in a conflict is to fight the urge to either walk-away or to use a power-play and to engage in a very intentional conflict resolution discussion.
The process to mediate a conflict works most of the time. You can use it to mediate between you and another person or you can use it to mediate a conflict between two of your co-workers or family members. It goes like this:
- Define the problem in the conflict. Your anger (frustration, irritation, hurt feelings, etc.) is probably not the problem. Carefully examine the situation and identify a non-accusatory, objective description of the problem.
- Ask the other party to meet with you for a protected, uninterrupted conversation for the purpose of resolving the conflict. Resist the urge to get drawn in to a conversation on-the-spot. You want to schedule a time for conversation. You probably do not want to have the conversation immediately. You definitely do not want to have it "on-the-fly."
- Find a quiet, uninterrupted place, and set aside about 2 hours for the conversation. It may not take the full 2 hours. You just want to allow plenty of time to reach resolution.
- Have the conversation and resist the urge to leave too soon (walk-away) or to push too hard (power-play).
- Notice and comment on anything positive the other person says. (For example: when they acknowlegde a piece of your perspective, apologize for their actions, etc.)
- Stick with it until you can both agree on a course of action from this time onward. You do not have to agree on every individual point. You just need to have an action plan for moving forward.
- Document your action plan for both parties to sign and keep a copy.
There's the overview of a successfull conflict resolution conversation. For more specific information about different parts of the process or other communication skills, check the featured lenses and links sections of this lens.
The material in this lens is provided for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice or as creating an attorney-client relationship. This lens should not be used as a substitute for competent legal advice from a licensed professional attorney in your state.
When NOT to Use This Process
- You and the other person do not have a long-term, interdependent relationship.
- Either of you lacks the authority to follow-through on your commitments.
- The conflict is so small you should overlook the issue, or the conflict is so big that you need a more formal process (grievance, litigation, etc.)
- The other person has a history of taking retaliatory actions (poor performance reviews, bad work assignments, etc.).
- The other person may resort to physical violence.
Remember this key point.
If at all possible, have the conflict conversation face-to-face.
Phone and email conversations seldom go well.
Links To Some Good Resources
- Principle Driven Consulting
- My Website. Check out the articles.
- Resolving Conflict in Teams Blog
- My blog on conflict resolution topics.
- Mediation Training Institute Blog
- This blog is a collection of contributions from a worldwide community of conflict resolution experts.
- Conflict Zen
- Tammy Lenski's Conflict Zen blog and website has some great insights on this topic.
- Negotiation Prep
- Some good insights on how to prepare for a conflict conversation by viewing it as a negotiation about a problem.
- How To Be an Awesome Mediator
- This lens contains a whole tool box of information to help you get better at mediating conflicts. Look for the link list, it's awesome.
Positive Principles Newsletter
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byGood Books to Help You Resolve Conflicts
Conflict Resolution
Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 11/16/2009) 
The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
Amazon Price: $10.17 (as of 11/16/2009)
Crucial Confrontations: Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior
Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 11/16/2009)
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
Amazon Price: $9.90 (as of 11/16/2009)
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most
Amazon Price: $10.40 (as of 11/16/2009)
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Reply
- coachniquenya coachniquenya Aug 27, 2008 @ 11:51 am
- I really enjoyed this lens. Great information here. By the way, thank you for linking to my page. I think we share synergy in what our readers are looking for.
To your dynamic success and happy living!
Coach Niquenya
by recoveringengineer
Hi, my name is Guy Harris. I am a trainer, speaker, author, and consultant. I am a certified human behavior specialist and a workplace conflict re... (more)
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