How to Deal With Controlling People

If you haven't been there, you might not understand why we put up with a controlling relationship for way too long. There are lots of reasons why. In my case, I stayed because by the time I matured, wised up, and recognized the situation for what it was, I already had three children. There was no physical abuse, and only "minor" abuse of drugs and alcohol, so I felt that I didn't have a "right" to break my wedding vows and break up my family, just because I was miserable.

My husband was happy. My kids were happy. I had been raised to believe that my feelings did not count. I was raised to believe that it was "selfish" to want anything for myself. On top of that, my Christian belief system highlighted the self sacrificial example of Jesus, and the sanctity of marriage. Always put others first and yourself last.

My Dad had yelled a lot and been selfish and awful because he didn't know how to handle his emotions, so when my husband did that, it felt like what I was used to. My parents had actively taught us that feelings don't matter. Add it all up, and you get me: a confused person trying to do the right thing, and being walked on.

I was actively suppressing my feelings a lot. Whenever I asserted myself, my ex bullied me verbally. Yes, I tried all kinds of things to stand up to him, and he was an expert at being intolerable as soon as I did. We had been to counseling several times. The strategy that had some measure of "success" was to avoid him and just do my own thing, becoming successful professionally and personally in my own right.

I planned to leave when my kids were old enough and out of the house, and that's what I did. It was difficult to keep myself there. I had to struggle not to leave. I can only hope that it was helpful to my children. Some who have not come from a family background that made them susceptible to a controlling relationship will no doubt think the whole thing is easier than it actually is. Unfortunately, that's too simplistic. When you are in it, you are likely to be confused by the manipulation of the controller. Or, as in my case, you may stay to keep the family intact in an attempt to do what's best for the kids.

It is essential for many of us to read a clear author's expert analysis of this type of relationship. Books can be a guiding light of clarity that help us see the smoke and mirrors for what they are. Everyone's story is different, yet there are commonalities that are important to understand and address. If it were as easy as "picking yourself up by your bootstraps," I would have been gone from the marriage years and years earlier. It doesn't matter how intelligent you are. There are emotional, societal, economic, and religious aspects to "just leaving" that need to be taken into consideration.