How To Handle A Controlling Spouse

Many of us use a form of mild control to get what we want in a realtionship. What this means is that we will use words like "well, if you really want to", or "I suppose if I must", "when is this over again?" and so on. These are little statements designed to get your spouse to see your unhappiness and hopefully do something about it. This can lead to worsening reactions if your spouse is not paying attention because the more unhappy you get, the more you wish to change the reason you are unhappy.

You should relax. These forms of control are mild, and very common in all relationships. The ones you should be more worried about are the extremely ludicrous forms, which we will talk about further.

In all relationships there is a healthy amount of control going on. The wife says "I'm cold" and the husband gets up and grabs her a sweater. Some might say that's just a common gentlemanly response, but others will say "she's got him trained." Not a fair statement, but some will say that. Its been my experience that women are the ones who get controlled the most because women by their very nature are caregivers and want to please. In essence, their own worst enemy...so to speak. But a lot of control is not healthy and there needs to be more balance in the relationship. So here's a quick test for you.

1. Do you feel like 95% of the time you are doing what your significant other wants to do as far as activities and places to go?
2. Do you feel like 95% of the time you give in to their strong personality in order to keep the peace?
3. Do you feel your resentment mounting because your partner doesn't seem to care about what you feel or what you want to do?
4. Do you spend 95% of your time wishing you were out of the relationship?
5. Are you past the point of caring whether the relationship survives?


If you answered yes to all or most of these...OH NO! You really NEED to STOP. It is definitely time to do something about it.

Here are just a some "quick" fix tips. You may think tip #1 is extreme, but as they say "desperate times calls for desperate measures", and it is VERY effective, and I highly recommend it.

So....here goes...

Tip #1
For the next 10 days say "no" to ALL places your partner suggests that you go and do with them...even if you really want to go, absolutely DO NOT GO! Hold firm. Stand your ground. You can do this for 10 days. You really can. The first time may be tough, and the weekends will be really hard, but do it. It is liberating. If they decide to go anyway. Let them. You then spend your time doing what you want to do.
Outcome of this approach: Your partner will miss you if they go alone and get a feel for what its like being without you. At first it might be liberating for them, but going to an event, restaurant, etc. without you will feel unbalanced to them, and even if they bring a friend, they will miss you.

Tip #2
Disappear for several hours. Coordinate with your spouse or partner, tell them you absolutely need some time to yourself, make arrangements for the kids if you have to, but spend 5 hours by yourself away from your home. It doesn't matter where, but go somewhere....here are some of my favorite spots...The park with walking trail, downtown near the civic area to people watch, sit by a fountain somewhere. Water is very relaxing. Spend the day at a spa being pampered if you can afford it. Head to the country and just drive. There are so many places you can go, but give yourself no less than 5 hears of uninterrupted bliss. Do not take anyone with you. You must do this alone.
Outcome of this approach: You get a chance to actually think, breathe and see how YOU feel. It gives you a chance to step away and evaluate, plus you get some much needed alone time.

Tip #3
This is a total quick fix. Lock yourself in the bathroom and take a very long bath. Men! You too! You can't image how great it feels while you are in there. Light a candle, turn off the lights, fill the tub and dream.
Outcome: Same as Tip #2 except less of it.

None of these tips are long term of course, but they will give you some freedom to clear your head. Write me if you want to vent. I'd love to hear from you. karen@relationshipcopingskills.com

Have a blessed day! Take back your life. Be happy again.

If you've got the "mother" of all controlling spouses then you are really going to relate here. I have heard some horror stories in my time, and I've lived through plenty of them myself. From what I've heard, it doesn't seem to matter whether you are female or male, your spouse can sometimes be controlling and manipulative. This story is long, but worth the read.

Here's my first "story for the record books"... We'll call this girl "Katie" just to have something to call her with no reflection on the actual person's name, and we'll call him "Matthew", again, no reflection. Matthew has for some reason gotten mad at Katie, it doesn't really matter the reason, because it was bogus to begin with, so moving on. Matt tells Katie he is going to the lake to sleep in his truck (strange) and leaves. It is now about 7:00 p.m, so Katie heads into town to visit with Matthew's son who is working retail and is 17 years old. While there, she gets a call from Matthew's mom asking where she is at and what she's doing...you can guess where the call originated from.

After visiting a while with Matt's son, she goes home. Its now about 9:00 p.m., the house is completely dark with no lights on, and her garage door opener will not work. She tries every door in the house all are locked, but she can see her husband's truck in the garage through the window. (Let the games begin). She doesn't have a key as she has always used a garage door opener, so given that its her house, she decided she's not playing the game, so she busts a window and goes in.

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN REALLY BEGINS....(break a window? Hmmmm)

She walks through the bedroom where he is in bed, acting asleep, and says "Matthew you cannot lock me out of my own house, that's BS!" This is all she says, walks into the kitchen, pours herself her first glass of wine for the evening, walks into the living room, sits down, turns on the TV. Matthew comes in and says "what's your problem". She tells him its just crazy and continues to watch TV.

Everything appears fine at this point, but now we find out why...the calm before the storm...

About 20 minutes later, she sees headlights coming into the driveway. Someone rings the doorbell, her husband goes to the door and she hears him say "she's calmed down". Lo and behold it is the police. Turns out, he had called the police before joining her in the living room. He had told them that she hit him and that she was going crazy. He is lying of course. Anyone would look at them and know he was not afraid for his life, especially since she weighs about 120 pounds and he weighs about 190.

The police have a little chat with Katie separate from Matt....

Next, the police tell her she has to leave, to pack a bag and not to come back for at least 12 hours or she will be arrested. This is her house, was hers before they were married, and now she can't enter it or will be arrested? Really?

What would you do? How would you feel? Katie did the only logical thing she could at this point. Not ever having been to a jail before, she figured the best course of action was to leave. She left and the police followed her out.

Here's what happened next...or can you guess? YEP, her cell phone rings and it is Matthew. She does not answer and he leaves a message. Eventually listens to her voice mail. He's begging her to call him. A moment later, her Matt calls her cell again. This time she answer. He tells her to either come home now or don't bother coming home ever.

Here's the real test in HIS controlling mind. If she loves him, she will come back, even at the risk of being arrested. Guess again! Not going to happen.

ANY OF THIS SOUND "NORMAL" TO YOU?
For some, these types of events had become a "normal" evening at their home. Folks, this is not normal. There are a lot of reasons why we might find ourselves in a situation like this, but the main one is we didn't realize it was happening to us at first. It took a situation this ludicrous for Katie to see the complete and utter craziness that had become of her life. This is extreme; however, it exemplifies how bad it can get when you don't do something about the madness when it first occurs. And it will get this bad eventually if you don't learn to deal with your controlling spouse on the front end.

Here's What Katie SHOULD have done for a better response....

Ok now, here is what Katie did wrong at the very beginning when she got home and found the doors locked. She should have pounded on the door, and when he wouldn't let her in, she should have left and came back in an hour or so once he was wondering where she was. OR, she could have called a locksmith and waited on him to come and let her in (a witness!). Either one of these would probably have helped her with her situation.

Many times, we are too busy trying to win an unwinable game to act calmly ourselves. This is not "winning". Nobody is winning. What Katie did wasn't so bad, but it made the police wonder about her story because what "sane" person would break their own window? It left the police wondering which one was more crazy than the other one, and that was bad, and left her without a place to sleep for the night.

Come back next Tuesday for a new story and add this to your RSS feed or bookmark it and come back later for more. I'll show you how a seemingly insignificant strange event, can eventually turn into a situation like I describe above. Oh, and please leave a comment and rate this lens.

Figuring out how to minimize the damage to a relationship if you have a boyfriend that wants to control your actions can actually lead to a positive happy relationship. Here's why, the more you give into your spouse or boyfriends need to control, the more control they want, need and strive to possess. If you teach them on the front end that you are simply not going to be controlled, they will turn their attention to something else.

In my extreme example above, this man had been in control so long that he was getting radical. You do not want your relationship to get that bad. That is extreme. If the girl on the very front end of the relationship simply not "played the game" their relationship probably never would have gone that far. A lot of us give in simply because we do not wish to argue and its easier. Taking the easy road will lead you to eventually more work.

The first controlling thing that your spouse or boyfriend tries, do not react. Do not let them see emotion from you, and do whatever it is you honestly believe is right and stick by it! No matter what. It is hard and can cause a bad reaction, but tough. You have to set your boundaries. Let's say they want to go somewhere that you are not comfortable going and simply do not wish to go. This will be hard, but let them go without you. You will be"punished" in their mind by their lying to you about what happened at the place they went, or by coming home really late or not coming home at all. Tough. Stick by your guns. Do not act like it even affects you nor that you care. That is one example of a way to not give in.

Remember, these controlling "monsters" are helped along in their creation by how we react to their crazy behavior. keep that in mind when doing something is against your principals to do, and going somewhere that you really don't wish to go. Good luck.

This lens is meant as an open forum to express thoughts related to how some spouses treat each other. Speaking from experience, NOT a PhD in anything, it is not designed to be authoritative, but rather offer suggestions for those of us who have had to deal with a troubled marriage. Sometimes it just helps to know some else has been where you are and can help. Keep a positive thought...here's cheering you on.