A Long Journey; How to Cope with the Loss of a Loved One
Travel with me as you go on the journey of coping with grief. There is no guarantee here, no magical wand, just the assurance that your life will get better. It will never be the same as before your loved one died, but gradually you will feel stronger and more in charge of your life.
I have taken courses on Death and Dying, Coping with Grief, and Mindfulness. I also have firsthand experience on coping with life-threatening illnesses and the deaths of close family members and friends. In addition to my own grief work, I have assembled a collection of books on the above topics and have also researched the literature to compile a list of reading and internet resources. I don't believe in giving out too many recommended reads; you need only start with the basics. If you have need of a specific recommendation on resources, use the 'Contact Me' under my bio.
An Epitaph
found on a tombstone Ireland, 1889
DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE DIFFICULT TO HEAL;LOVE LEAVES SWEET MEMORIES NO ONE CAN STEAL.
***
This photograph was taken by Bo
Sister Bay, Door County, WI
© 07-06-07
The title of the photo is 'Infinity.' Can you tell why? The symbol for infinity has naturally formed by the branches of the tree.
The First and Only Rule
you get to make your own choices
The subject here is grief. Specifically, how to cope with grief after the loss of a loved one. This is not an easy subject. Not for me; not for you. No one wants to talk about death, but if you're grieving for your loss you already know a great deal about this feared state. I'm sorry. Sorry for the grief you are feeling. If you are reading this and have never grieved for a loved one, then you're one of the lucky ones. Why? Because it's good to have some idea of what will happen when someone you love does die.So, back to the first rule. This is the prime rule you need to listen to. It's a simple rule that can be dificult to follow. If you're grieving for a loved one, you get to do it your own way.
Grief is personal, unique. You do not need anyone to tell you how to grieve. This is instinctive to the human race. All of us know how to emotionally and physically mourn for our dead. But there aren't any clear-cut rules. You grieve your own way. No one can tell you if you're grieving the right or wrong way. They don't know.
Before you read any further, remember. These are my words and my ideas, and you don't have to follow anything I say. (Well, not exactly. If you are considered a danger to yourself or someone else, there are laws that must be followed to keep everyone safe.) While you are grieving, you will need tender, loving care more than ever. And much of that care can come from you, from your indomitable courage and spirit.
As you read further, you will notice I am giving out a lot of suggestions and advice. That's what they are, all that they are. Suggestions and a little un-asked for advice.
But there isn't any problem. You can read anything and everything you want and you still decide what ideas fit into your style of grieving, into what may help you heal. Just because I or a personal observer says you need to do A, then B, then C, that's not quite correct. It doesn't work that way. You decide what is most beneficial for you.
Now of course you'll pay close attention if your doctor or grief counselor gives you recommendations. There are certainly times when you need to follow professional advice and by all means you should do so. If you are in need, a doctor or therapist may be your ladder out of a deep hole.
I have written about how to cope with grieving. I have studied, read, and most pertinently, I have faced grief in my own way. So this is my best effort at trying to assist you on this journey.
Just remember. You get to do it your way.
Coping with Recent Grief
how to get through the first weeks or months
1) Tell your story. Tell it over and over if that's what you need to do. Tell it to those who support you and listen to you. You don't have to speak with people who only want to give misguided advice and warnings, those who tell mistaken myths or inappropriate suggestions. You truly need a good listener during the this time, not an opinionated advice-giver.2) Understand that the grieving process varies from person to person. Everyone reacts differently. Well-meaning folks will tell you their own stories and their speed of recovery. Don't expect to be on the same time-table. Your grief is unique to you.
3) Be kind to yourself. Eat healthy foods, although it is fine to indulge in 'comfort' food occasionally. Just don't eat your way through grief. (I ate mashed potatoes once a week for six months when my dad died, and it gave me a small measure of pleasure. Anything helps.)
4) Engage in small pleasures. Put a splash of color in your home with a cut flower bouquet. Take a quiet walk in your yard. Sit outside in the warming sun. Watch a favorite TV show. Listen to music.
5) Sometimes it is helpful to work on a repetitive activity, one that keeps your hands busy but doesn't cause you stress. Do you knit or crochet? Work on jigsaw puzzles? Be creative. What can you do to keep your hands busy, but not fatigue yourself? Grief consumes a great deal of energy and exhaustion heightens brittle emotions, impacts your ability to think clearly and makes caring for yourself less achievable.
6) Get plenty of rest. Sleep is healing. If you are an insomniac, discuss this with your doctor now. No matter what, do not attempt to self-medicate with alcohol or medication.
7) Give yourself gentle understanding. Grief is a normal process and your pain will lessen, though it will not disappear. Working actively with your grief in small doses will promote acceptance and healing.
8) Begin a list of 'comfort' ideas. This could include choosing a memento of your loved one to put in a place of honor, writing a letter, eating a favorite food or drinking a cup of tea.
9) Read and re-read old letters from your loved one. If this makes you cry, remember this is perfectly acceptable. Crying is healthy and normal and it often makes you feel better.
10) Ask a close friend to stay with you for the first few days. She can handle phone calls and take messages. She can also help you make simple decisions if you wish. Or you may need someone to simply sit with you in silent support.
Tears and Friends
quotations for the grieving
- Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak, whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.
William Shakespeare - The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend indeed.
Henri Nouwen - There is a sacredness in tears, They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
Understanding Grief; Helping Yourself Heal
compassionate and encouraging books
Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal
Alan Woefelt is a international speaker on the topic of grief and healing. In his book, the author encourages all who are grieving to explore their own uniqueness as they travel along their journey. The book also discusses professional assistance in detail and the use of internet support groups.
Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss
This is a $5 paperback easily read in an hour or two. It gives a good explanation of grief and what grief does to you when you have lost a loved one. At a time when grief is heavy upon your shoulders, this is the book to reach for. Simple words, easy to read and full of information.
After the Initial Stage of Grieving
Coping activities
1) If you're not a to-do-list person, try cultivating this practice. Grief is invasive and a time gobbler. It is also a mind blotter. These conditions can cause you to miss important appointments or events. When you plan your day in the morning, (or better yet, in the evening before you go to bed,) you are more likely to be where you need to be and do what must be done.2) Carry a keepsake or a small personal item that belonged to your loved one. Keep it near in a pocket or purse. A tangible memento can be of comfort and can help you connect with your loved one. (I carried my grandmother's 'lucky' buckeye for a year before I put it safely away. By that time I had polished a permanent sheen on it.)
3) Don't try to avoid the things the deceased enjoyed or loved. If these make tears spring from your eyes, accept that and go on. Tears are very cathartic.
4) Exercise is good for you and can be especially beneficial when you are grieving. You may be unmotivated to add exercise to your routine, but even a quick walk improves your mood. And a better mood is worth a little inconvenience.
5) Read. Anything. Some people enjoy history, science-fiction or mysteries as escapes. Read whatever catches your attention and consider books that transport you to a different time and place.
6) Focus on the good you did on behalf of your loved one. Don't do the 'should have done' or 'could have done' mantra.
7) Do not isolate yourself. Plan to do one thing every day; even something small counts. If you haven't seen anyone in 2 weeks because you can't bear the encounter, consider grief counseling to get you over this bump in the road.
8) On the other hand, do you make the mistake of 'over-booking', trying to fill every moment of every day? This may work as distraction for awhile, but you need to plan time for reflection, rest and grief work. You need to care for yourself first.
9) Use nature as a tool for comfort. Enjoy the outdoors. Do you have flowers to plant or weed? Is it time to notice the colors of autumn? Do you hide inside in winter? Be brave. Dress warmly and go visit the winter. Exploring the glittery snowflakes and icicles are worth the effort.
10) Record or tape recollections of favorite stories, old memories and memorable conversations. Listen when you feel alone.
11) Write a hymn, poem or tribute to your loved one. Keep it private or share it with a few friends or family. Remember it's the meaning that counts. No teacher is grading your creative work.
Courage on the Journey
quotations to inspire and encourage
- Courage is being afraid and going (on the journey) anyhow.
Dan Rather - We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
Kenji Miyazawa - You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves no arms to fully enhance the present.
Jan Glidwell
Poem to Those Who Have Died
A collection of words expressing grief
I Will.(A few meaningful words about the mission
taken by a survivor for a loved one.)
As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.
As long as I can I will laugh with the birds,
I will sing with the flowers,
I will pray to the stars for both of us.
by Sascha
***
Grief Work
projects to help you grieve and also memorialize your dead
1) Plant something as a living memorial. If you plant near your home, you have the option of visiting often. Perhaps a gardening friend will help you plant a tree, flowering shrub, a garden of perennial flowers, or whatever feels right. (I planted a rose bush for my grandmother as it was her favorite. And a lilac for my father, who loved their spring scent.)2) Begin a daily routine of grief-writing. Write for a predetermined time - perhaps begin with 15 minutes and work your way up to 30 minutes. Don't bother with grammar or spelling. Just spill whatever you're thinking onto the paper. Longhand writing is better than composing on a computer as it gives you time to think and you'll get better results. For more information on this type of writing, see the two books recommended below.
3) Try doing constructive, mind-numbing household chores if you need to express difficult emotions. Clean your kitchen cupboards, organize your home filing system, or vacuum your carpets.
4) Sometimes you may feel the need to express strong emotions with physical fervor. Bang on the piano; purchase a student-quality drum pad and drum sticks and let the strong rhythm transport you to a place where all emotions are allowed; scribble with crayons or smear finger paints; tear paper, one page at a time from old telephone books; or shred the daily newspaper into confetti.
5) Begin to collect information and outline the life of your loved one. You can do this with the facts you know, or go more in more depth using multiple contributors. This can be a very healing project for all involved. Children especially get benefit by sharing their stories and seeing them in print.
6) When you buy books or visit your local library, get a book or two on grief and recovery. Or choose a true story of an author's grief after their loved one's death. Often you will empathize with these characters and come to realize you are not alone.
Grief Work and Writing
overview of helpful writing techniques
Grief work includes writing as a way to express your emotions and feelings. In the beginning, you can use a technique called stream-of consciousness writing. This form of writing is an especially good method for expressing yourself.
![The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity [10th Anniversary Edition]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51CHAK9ASCL._SL75_.jpg)
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity [10th Anniversary Edition]
The first few chapters of The Artist's Way give an introduction to journal writing and the author's now famous morning pages. (You probably don't need to read more than the first few chapters as the remainder of the material is off topic.) Good book to borrow from the library to see if you are interested.
Amazon Price: $11.02 (as of 07/14/2009) 
Writing to Heal: A Guided Journal for Recovering from Trauma & Emotional Upheaval
This book provides an excellent introduction to 'emotional writing'. Starts at the very beginning and wends its' way to more advanced techniques. This is a book that inspires people to employ creative activities to aid in healing. Well worth the read if you are drawn to writing about your experiences.
Amazon Price: $19.46 (as of 07/14/2009)
Grief and Expression
quotations on the process
- Grief is a process, not a state.
Anne Grant - Grief is itself medicine.
William Couper - Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Czech proverb
Using Creativity in Your Grief Work
more advanced recommendations
1) This is a good time to resume or begin to write in a journal or work in a visual journal. You can write or draw whatever you wish. It is best if this is created for your eyes only, so be sure to store it in a safe place. When you write privately, you do not censor what you write and your entries are more authentic and more helpful.2) There are many books that deal with grief, coping and healing. If reading appeals to you, see the book recommendations in this lens. You may also ask your counselor or a local librarian for suggestions. Upon recommendation from a grief counselor, I read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and found it comforting. It re-enforced the idea that grief is an individual matter. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, your individuality has unique methods of coping. No one else will (or should) grieve exactly as you.
3) Create a home memorial. Some suggestions to consider are building a shrine indoors or outside, organizing a photo montage of family, tacking up a bulletin board that holds notes, poetry, quotations and a family picture. Or you could connect with your sense of creativity and paint, collage or sculpture in celebration of life. Be creative with this. Go with your gut feelings. You claim you have no creativity genes? Well, you really do. If you are hesitant, try this suggestion anyway, far away from the eyes of a censor, and only reveal your project if that is what you want to do.
4) If you enjoy working on a computer, dedicate a blog to your loved one and write on an aspect of your grief. You can make it a private blog (for your eyes only) or password it so only those you have invited to share can open your site. Some blogging hosts are very simple to work with. I have used Blogger and WordPress, and have been satisfied with both. If you are new to computer land find a computer-kid under 25, and they'll know exactly how to help. Just make sure they give you enough time to write down the steps. (You won't remember tomorrow morning.)
Remembering
quotes on accepting grief and memorializing your love
- Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
from the TV show, 'The Wonder Years.' - He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.
Turkish Proverb - Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief.
Anon
Observations on Grief
personal stories of people journeying through grief
People discover that popular authors who share their stories of grieving parallel that of many who are coping with the loss of a loved one. Helpful in that it provides strong evidence that you are not alone in your methods of coping with grief. Very self-affirming.
A Grief Observed
C.S. Lewis wrote this book while trying to cope with the loss of his wife. This can be a difficult read for those who put their trust in God, as Lewis explores his Christian faith and his waning faithfulness. For anyone who is having difficulty facing their anger towards their loss, this can be an oddly comforting book. The ending wraps up the story in a positive manner.
Amazon Price: $9.40 (as of 07/14/2009)
The Way of Transition: Embracing Life's Most Difficult Moments
The author of this book, Bill Bridges, writes about his experience of dealing with grief after his wife dies from breast cancer. Bridges has a strong reputation as being an expert on the topic of transitions in difficult times. Yet when he faced a loved one's death, he became unsure of his work. The book wanders between stories of his first year without his spouse and inspirations for dealing with transitions after death. Readers tend to identify with Bridges'
grieving and helps them make sense of their own grief.
Amazon Price: $12.44 (as of 07/14/2009)
Lament for a Son
This book is written by Nicholas Wolterstorff who is a well-known Christian philosopher. He lost his 25 year old son due to an accident. His reflections are deeply personal, but he is able to express his grief in a way with which other bereaved parents will identify. This book is spiritually enriching and an excellent read.
Amazon Price: $9.41 (as of 07/14/2009)
Activities for When You Are in Recovery
these ideas need determination and take a longer period of time to do
1) Consider taking a trip with family or friends, but only when you feel sufficiently strong enough to travel. Consider your traveling endurance and any financial constraints. You may wish to travel to a nearby locale, a neighboring state or head over to the coast. If you have relatives in distant parts, perhaps this would be a suitable destination. But go somewhere pleasing, wherever you go. You don't want to visit a miserable place. You'll end up feeling miserable.2) Rejoin the activities you enjoyed before your loved died. Return to your genealogy research or volunteer job. Church activities are good to begin with if you practice a traditional religion. There is usually good support in a familiar group. Also consider taking a class on a subject you've always been interested in at the community or junior college. Learn or re-learn how to play a musical instrument or speak a foreign language.
3) Engage in an exercise program 4 to 5 times a week. (If you are new to exercise, consult with your physician before initiating a program.) A combination of aerobic exercise and weight training can be very beneficial. You may wish to consult with a fitness trainer for specific exercises designed especially for you. Exercise promotes health by reducing stress, improving mood, promoting a healthy body; and improving the immune system.
4)) I know of people who self-publish their own book (hard cover or soft cover, lots of options) through LuLu (http://www.lulu.com/) for less than 8 dollars a copy. You can order only one copy or many. The book can be a group written biography, a collection of writings from the prompt "I remember when..." given out during a memorial service. You could also collect letters or other mementos relating to the deceased, writings from your loved one or anything else that captures your attention. (One of my friends did this with a journal of poetry she had written, the last 6 poems dedicated to her mother. The book was so popular, nearly everyone that read it, requested a copy.) This activity takes a lot of time and effort, but can be a good distraction and therapeutic while providing a lasting tribute. It can also be presented to friends and family members as a gift of remembrance.
Selected Links on Grief
Links that provide more information on the process of grief.
- Help with Grief
- A site that gives information on the definition of grief, the 5 stages of grief, and symptoms of grief. It briefly covers the use of support groups.
- How to Listen
- This is a link for those who are comforting a grieving person. Brief, but excellent instructions on ow to 'listen.'
Links on music, cinema and poetry
both inspiring and touching
- Memorial Music Library
- I find this site one of the most comforting and supportive places on the entire web. It is a collection of music, 540 songs, that was compiled by a grieving man in memory of his brother and mother. There is a wide variety of songs - religious, emotional, songs which remind you of memories of your loved one, songs which they loved most. Sometimes songs reach a chord in our hearts and souls that are untouched by other means. This site touched me in just the right way.
- Casa Poema
- This site has famous poems, new poems, photographs and quotations. There are a dozen or more categories and you can choose from any topic you are interested in. Two of the Categories related to this lens are 'Poems of Loss' and 'Grief and Healing'.
- Spiritual Cinema Circle
- This a very different sort of movie club. Order one DVD per month which has a feature film, two shorts and a documentary. Not your ordinary theater fare. These shows are uplifting and of special meaning to those who are dealing with life's ups and downs. A very well-conceived project which serves an appreciative audience. Check out the website and see for yourself.
- The Temple of Solace - A Soul Food Community
- Soul Food Cafe and the Temple of Solace are not just for those who are feeling isolated because of the loss of a loved one. It is quite simply a refuge, a safe place to retreat. Visitors to the Temple may be searching for some kind words as a result of a loss of a job, an empty nest, the death of a pet, the loss of a way of life, a sense of abandonment: about almost anything. A very comforting place and a worthwhile stop.
Recommended Movies
subject matter of these movies is "Loss and Grief."
Read the following descriptions carefully or get reviews from family or friends if possible. Some of these movies will produce strong emotions and should not be watched if you are newly bereaved. These movies are beneficial, however, as they demonstrate how other people cope with loss and grief.
Truly Madly Deeply
An intelligent portrayal of loss, grief and recovery. It tackles these subjects in a tender, subtle and respectful manner. This movie is an excellent study of loss and grief. Highly recommended.
Amazon Price: (as of 07/14/2009)
Shadowlands
This movie is based on the life of C. S. Lewis, author and philosopher. It is the story of a journey and a re-awakening, as Lewis comes face-to-face with the death of the woman he loves and his struggle to retain his faith.
Amazon Price: (as of 07/14/2009)
Tuesdays with Morrie
This is a touching, inspirational movie demonstrating that a person whose fate was not kind could still commit themselves to make the last days happy and fulfilling. A wonderful movie.
Amazon Price: $6.99 (as of 07/14/2009)
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
The theme of this movie is no matter how insignificant a person is, life is never wasted. The main character visits five people in heaven as he searches for purpose to his life.
Amazon Price: $9.49 (as of 07/14/2009)
Last But Not Least - A Safety Plan
Before your life becomes out-of-control, read this.
A safety plan is a tested method for dealing with a crisis or need for immediate support. It is important to create this type of plan, even if you anticipate that you will never need it.First, write a preliminary list of supportive people and their phone numbers. Do not put anyone on your list that is wishy-washy about the way you are dealing with your grief. This is time for support. Deal with supportive people only.
Consider carefully who you want on this list. Best friends, closest family members, religious advisers, counselors and other professionals, or, who else? Try to include 2 to 4 friends or family members and any professional who is involved in your care.
Be sure to write down all the appropriate numbers -- cell phones, office numbers, after hours answering machines numbers. If you see a counselor, ask him or her how you can contact him in case of emergency. Then you will know how to reach everyone if and when the time comes.
Begin by asking the people on your list for their permission for you to call. That way they won't be surprised by your call or not know how to respond. I strongly suggest that anyone who hesitates after you have shared the details of your plan not be added to your list. And remember, some people may not be available so you will need to move on to the next number on your list.
Give them the guidelines you hope to follow. Some ideas to consider: limit the call to an agreed amount of time (you can call the next number if you need more talking time; write down the times they can take calls; give them agreed upon options to follow if you need more assistance than they can provide.
Finally, I suggest that you consider finding the number of a local crisis center. (These centers are for assistance, and a crisis in coping with grief definitely qualifies.) Your conversation will be confidential unless there is concern for your health or the safety of others.
With this list completed, put it in a safe place and you will always have a list of people and their phone numbers that you can contact. With a written plan, you will discover a sense of relief and security.
Suggested List:
1) friend or family member and phone #
2) friend or family member and phone #
3) friend or family member and phone #
4) friend or family member and phone #
5) spiritual adviser and phone #
6) therapist or other professional (if you have one) and phone #
7) Crisis Center phone #
8) your doctor or answering service and phone #
More Lenses on Grief
- Using Visualization to Cope with Grief
- Guided visualization is an excellent tool to use when coping with death or other serious challenges. In visualization you use your imagination and explore a topic to express emotions and discover your feelings and needs. It lets you daydream in a constructive, self-guided manner. You can do the same
- Christmas and Grief
- Traditions of the holiday season may be difficult to continue without the presence of your deceased relative or friend. You always have the option of developing new or modifying other traditions, or declining to do disturbing activities. Dedicate your 'new celebrations' to your deceased one.
- Funeral Celebration
- A Celebration of Life is the 'new' funeral or memorial service. It provides a positive focus on your loved one's life while everyone says their good-byes. It celebrates life instead of dwelling on death. This celebration is often held immediately after death and is then referred to as a funeral.
Why are you here?
I'd really like to know.
Loading poll. Please Wait...
Readers' Place
post comments, questions, recommendations. Please blogroll, star, favorite or if sweet angels come, may they bless this.
cconiam wrote...
Almost 12 years after the death of my daughter I still want to tell the story...I don't think that ever changes, no matter what the circumstances. Thanks for this lens...
Posted July 12, 2009
KimCarolan wrote...
This seems like a great lens! I especially like the idea of re-telling your story--that seemed to help me the most when my father died. Also, writing about it was quite cathartic (it ended up as a book even)! Very, very cool!
Kim Carolan
http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/walkingthroughthevalleyoftheshadowofdeath.html
Posted May 20, 2009
Lensmaster
g wrote
well its almost a year now still hard to cope i know he is looking over me its hard walkind thru a mall someone can look like him and my heart stops c pic
Posted May 01, 2009
by bebop4bo
Call me Bo. I live in lake country in the Midwest, USA. When I'm not editing lenses or writing on my group blog which focuses on creativity in w...
(more)
