Christmas and Grief

Dad and I were standing in front of the brick A&M bank. We rang our Salvation Army bells back and forth. The Northern wind was blowing directly at us and causing the slushy, freezing snow to slap our faces and make us look like raggy snowmen. I couldn't feel my hands or my feet, and my nose was the color of Rudolph's. Pretty much the same size, too.

That was December 23rd of last year. This year we didn't do many traditions like we did every other year. That's because my Dad died on Thanksgiving Day, just last month. None of us felt very Christmassy.

I sat remembering last year. The tree hunt in Mason's Forest. Always got one too tall, but they didn't look as big in the woods; caroling with the next-door guys, just for the fun of it; singing The Messiah at the community center. Sure we decorated, and got gifts for each other this year, but not much more than that.

On Christmas Eve I got up the courage and called to my mom.

"I'm not going to Grandma's." I didn't think I needed to tell her more.

"Bo, do what you want. Of course you may stay home. I'll tell Grandma the truth. She'll understand."

The next morning I slunk around in my PJs while everyone got dressed. They were going to Grandma's after church.

My little brother tugged on my arm.

"Joey... stop. You're a big bother."

He stopped talking and looked at the floor."What's the matter with you? Just said I'll get your presents home for you."

I nodded, rubbed his downy head and they all scurried out the front door.

I walked around the whole house. Everywhere I went, I could see Christmas celebrations going on and Dad was in them. I saw Dad hang up the mistletoe so Mom had to kiss him. Then he hung the stockings on the fireplace. Dad loved music, so I went through the records to find his favorites.

Once the music began to play, I got myself a cup of cocoa, and scrambled down into Dad's easy chair. The chair had marks in the leather from where he always sat. I held my baby blanket up to my face and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

After a long time I ran out of tears. I stayed in the chair. The chair smelled like Dad's old shaving stuff. This time I told myself only cheerful stories and his awful jokes. I made myself laugh.

I fell asleep in the recliner, and when my family came home later that evening, I woke up and smiled at them and grabbed my presents from Joey.

Mom looked over and I nodded my head. She understood. I was ready to finish Christmas the way that Dad would have wanted.

GIFTS FOR EACH OF US...

For every thorn, a rosebud
for each twilight, a dawn
for each trial, the strength to carry on.

For each storm cloud, a rainbow
for each shadow the sun
for each parting, sweet memories until sorrow is done.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some holiday traditions are too difficult to continue. Plan to only do the holiday traditions of years past only if they remain meaningful or you wish to memorialize your loved one. Often new traditions are developed in honor and memory of the deceased. Consider adapting old traditions into new ones. Here are some ideas, some of which are particularly meaningful for children.

1) Consider maintaining the tradition of the Christmas Tree, but adapt it to your current situation. Decorate the tree with ornaments that were special to the deceased, perhaps a tractor ornament for a farmer, a baseball-themed ornament for a true fan, a ballerina bauble for your dancer, a camping ornament for your nature lover. There are thousands of possibilities. There are many specialty ornaments, you can find something for everyone. If you wish, spread the word and have anyone that wants join in the ornament sharing, do so.

When my grandmother died, we hung a cardinal on the boughs as she loved their splash of red color in the winter white. For my dentist father-in-law his grandchildren were each given a dental tool and they spent an entire afternoon decorating their tool ornament for Grandpa. Creativity certainly helps. These projects inject a bit of fun into a stressful situation.

2) Another family had a different take on tree decorations. They used their traditional ornaments, but added a special ornament for their deceased daughter. Every year as a family, they chose an ornament that could be engraved. Then they had their daughter's name and the year engraved on it. Each Christmas thereafter, it became traditional to search for the memory ornaments amidst the branches. Everyone always made sure they accounted for every ornament and it turned into a exciting event.

3) Stockings. A family with four children always had each child hang their stockings on the mantle. The Christmas after the youngest died, the other siblings each hung their own stocking. The parents had chosen not to hang the fourth stocking since it would be a painful reminder of death. But the children had different ideas. All the children, aged 5 to 13, wanted their brother's stocking hung with their own. (As the youngest child said with authority, "So we never forget him.")

4) The wreath is a symbol of 'eternal hope'. Hang a fresh wreath upon your door to symbolize you and your loved ones feelings for each other. The wreath is a circle, a remembrance of your love which will never end, even in death.

Here are a few more ideas to consider:

1) Make a memorial donation to a favorite charity. Perhaps donate the money that would have been spent on gifts to a not-for-profit which you support.

2) Light candles in memory of your loved one. Small children (or children of any age for that matter) seem attracted to the idea of lighting a virtual candle on the Internet. (See the link below.)

3) If the grieving spouse or family wishes to have a verbal tribute to their loved one it is very appropriate. Whenever and wherever all are gathered, have a designated friend or family member begin by reminiscing about your missing loved one. Anyone who wishes may participate, but if there are some who do not want to speak or even stay in the same room, that is fine too.

4)Look at old photographs of past Christmases, the older the better. Also dig up those Christmas videos and make them available to those that want to see Christmas in the past.

5) Listen to holiday music that was especially loved by the deceased. (My first grief-filled Christmas, one of the children found an old Muppet's Christmas record. "Hey" she said. "Grandpa loved the Muppets." Then and there we dug out the old phonograph and the kids kept the music going half the day.) This project might be more suitable if you can find a lovely classical or blues album. At least it would be more pleasant to adult ears.)

6) If it has been several months or longer since the death of your loved one, you may feel up to a trip, especially if there are older teens in the house. A ski trip to nearby slopes, a few nights in a cheery lodge, or possibly a visit to a relative a few hours away. This will be most successful if you don't return to a beloved place of the deceased.