Couples and Relationships

1 Choosing a partner.

Most people meet in social situations, at work, or increasingly, via dating, particularly the Internet.

Here are a few do's and don'ts if you're single and thinking of dating.

Remember: these tips are for adults who genuinely want a good, loving relationship.

1 Dating someone you meet in a bar is fine, but you might want to find out early on if you're going to have to compete with that bar a bit further down the road!

Remember: boozers lie, junkies boast.

Especially if you're an older person, the chances of meeting someone who is addicted in a bar or club are quite high.

If you meet someone at work, make sure they ARE single. Some people see the workplace as a handy source for sex on the side.

Internet dating can be great, it can be fraught. There's plenty written about the rules elsewhere so I'll be brief.

Don't meet strangers in private, don't give out too much personal information initially and take it slow.

Internet sites, even the expensive ones, are full of people who may not be very honest and that's putting it mildly!!

2 Dating Rules

I'm not a moralist, I'm a pragmatist, so the following is not meant to spoil your fun.

You might want to try the Dating Rules, again a comprehensive list can be found on the net.

These are, first date short, twenty minutes to half an hour, you'll know by then if this is a definite no no.

Does he talk about sex immediately? Did she just bitch about her ex all the time? Who paid for the coffees?

These are Red Flag issues (more of these later.)

Second Date: Dinner or a visit to some place of mutual interest, maybe a concert or a museum, or even the organic allotments if that's yer thing.

Third Date: Do you fancy each other, because this is the date for the exploratory kiss! Nothing else mind!

Fourth Date: This is the 'interview date' for both of you. Time to divulge some crucial information.

BOTH of you! Be honest. Tell your date that it would be good to get some background.

Key background issues are: Real age. Health. Religion. Employment and Financial Status. Children - you have them already or what are your future aims regarding parenthood?

Does he live with his mother? If he's over 30 this is a Red Flag. Is she on Benefits? If so, how long has she been on benefits, and are you there to get her off them?

Fifth Date: Having cleared the major Red Flags, you might go for some serious snogging, I personally wouldn't sleep with a potential partner at this early stage.

I'd give it a month. This is not because I don't approve of recreational sex, but that is a whole different thing. Recreational sex in the hopes of morphing into wedding bells is a minefield of misunderstandings and assumptions and frequently leads to heartbreak.

3 When the Infatuation Wears Off.

And it always does, trust me!

Some months, or maybe even a year or two into the relationship, you and your partner will start doing a few things the other person doesn't like. There will be conflict.

This is not the cue to dump them and get back on the Internet, but that's what a lot of people do. I have a trail of people in their thirties and forties in my practice who simply cannot get past the In Love phase in order to create the Long Term Love phase.

This is understandable. We don't have the skills!
We live in a culture of disposability, and, especially if we are charming and attractive, it's easy to keep exchanging people until we find the Perfect Person.

If you are looking for a Perfect Person, you will never find them. Or you will get saddled with a fake person who has an agenda of which you may not be aware! People who are too compliant or easy to get on with are often needy, powerless or manipulative. It's lovely to have them obey your every command but it isn't healthy and you will be the loser in the end. Unless you're a major control freak, with all this power comes a lot of responsibility. And a helluva lot of resentment.

Be aware that the 'oceanic' all embracing lovesick period must end, no one can sustain that level of excitation and focus, and while it's the most wonderful feeling in the World, it inevitably fades. The masks we wear to make a good impression initially eventually slip and you are facing each other, two real, flawed people.

If you want the relationship to last you need to go to tip 4 and fast!

4
Well, Tony Blair said the Answer to all Problems was Education, education, education.

Not quite Tony. In Relationships the answer to all Problems is Negotiation, Negotiation, Negotiation and MORE negotiation!

I don't mean figuring out how to get your own way, or doing the sort of deals you do with your kids to get them to co operate with you.

I mean, genuine, difficult, honest, painful but rewarding decision making about how you are going to run your relationship, your home and your social lives.

Yes there will be compromises. But there will be surrender here and there on both sides.

He's good looking, earns a great salary, loves kids, is a brilliant lover and has a sense of humour but every single Saturday is devoted to football/motorbike/visiting his mum/whatever.

You need to decide if this bloke is 85 per cent fab and you can find something else to do on a Saturday afternoon!

She's intelligent, sexy, a wonderful mother, cook, has a great job, but has crept up to a size 14 and you usually go for a size 10.

Oh please! Grow up! Take a look in the mirror. Would Kate Moss look at YOU twice?

These are just a couple of examples of the ridiculous demands people make on one another which get in the way of all that support, fun and love.

Negotiate everything. If you think you can figure stuff out by shouting at the other person until they give in, you're in for a rocky ride.

Sit down with a glass of wine (just one, mind) and the phones switched off for half an hour and tackle the Big Issues one by one.

5
Real Love.

Real love is inextricably linked with the ability to grow into a reasonable human being. The best relationships are Healing relationships. The sort where friends often muse, you know, 'you're the best thing that ever happened to him/her. But it all depends on tip 6

6 Mutuality.
I know life isn't fair, but if you don't have equality of input and things like mutual support the relationship won't be very rich. There will be resentment on one side and insecurity on the other.
Focusing on the other's real needs and desires and expecting them to focus on yours is healthy. It requires some effort at first but it's worth it.

7
TRUST
Capital letters I hear you say. Yes, because once a relationship has been created and developed this is the #1 requirement for it to survive.

Flirting, in person, on the internet, or by text, is NOT ok for most people.

Honesty is absolutely important. If someone's hitting on you, make it really clear you're not available and tip your partner off immediately - if they hear it from their friends, paranoia often kicks in and the trust evaporates as fast as an ice cube in the Sahara!

8 Sex.

The bedroom is the Last Boundary. Physical intimacy isn't going to be welcome if the trust has gone or you're conflicting all the time. The above mistakes around trust, honesty, mutuality and negotiation will kill most people's libido stone dead. Sexual anger is very unhealthy and will eventually corrode the relationship.

9
Other People.

You don't have to share information about your relationship with other people, even your closest friends and family. Well meaning friends and relations can also be judgmental, have their own agendas, or just be bored and unhappy and only too ready to get off on wrecking YOUR relationship.

10
Love.
Remember, it's about Love. Isn't it? If you've married for money, social standing, simply can't take care of yourself, or because other people wanted you to, you have a 10 % or lower chance of making it work.

We are all wonderful and horrible in various combinations and to live your life with one other main person who you don't like or care about is a nightmare. Never mind the tosh in the media, a good, committed, long term loving relationship requires mutual respect and regard, genuine sexual attraction and fidelity. The rewards are enormous. This may all sound too hard, well, yes it is.

But in twenty years as a therapist I've no evidence that people in general really want anything else.

Having mentioned therapy again, remember, a third party in a safe, confidential environment can be a real bonus when all else fails. I've seen many couples in my time as a counsellor and psychotherapist and the vast majority just needed to process some difficult stuff with a non judgmental neutral person to give them both some honest feedback.

Contrary to what the song said, a good love isn't hard to find, it's just hard to create.