Court of the Quipping Queen

And, if you really must know, this heavy haberdashery gives me a humongous headache!

Adrian Air-of-Sleet is Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to H.R.H. Quipping Queen.

Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he earned this patently preposterous position by demonstrating at an early age his ability to read with east the linguine-tasting letters served in his Alphabet Soup.

After spending many years on a naughty stool for writing poison pen letters to his teachers, he realized that perhaps he should consider a career change if he wished to enjoy a comfortable seat in the Court of the Quipping Queen.

Having successfully completed his studies at the Whizbang School for Warthogs & Wimps where he took a keen interest in learning the fine art of writing billet-douxs not to mention the fiercely competitive parlour games like "Blindman's Bluff", "Pass the Slipper", and "Musical Chairs".

His ability to type 50 words per minute, to keep his foot out of his mouth, and to consume vast quantities of Irish whisky while impressing the Monarch of Mirth with a wonderful array of weird words she didn't know existed, secured him a scintillating place in the spotlight, a tantalizing title as the "Duke of Dazzling Drivel", and a ripsnorting red whoopee cushion in Her Majesty's Menagerie.
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Image Credit: finsbry@flickr.com

Aphrodite Beamish, a gorgeous glamour puss and author of "The Glorious Glossary of SNIT", (an itty-bitty bedtime book for harrumphing hissy-fitters and "Sunny Disposition Deprived Souls"), is also President of the Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight.

No diva of domestic drudgery, she smokes like a chimney, quaffs cocktails like a fish, pays her utility bills and taxes late, and hides behind handkerchiefs at funerals to conceal her lack of tears.

She does however have several redeeming features. Aphrodite enjoys a healthy appetite, belly-dancing, and playing silly games like Tiddlywinks, Hunt the Wocket, and Frolicking in the Hollyfuds.
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Image Credit: Illustration by e M a@flickr.com

No middle-of-the-road milquetoast maven, the Duchess of Ditherington is known to friends and foes alike as the delightful "Dame Do-It-Yourself!"

She is at her best when rubbing shoulders with barons of booze, princes of pickle, and lords of libation during intermission at the opera. She is also quite capable of raining cats and dogs on the parades of people she doesn't like. And, if truth be told, when push comes to shove, she is also inclined to stomp squarely on the toes of twits who deserve it including, but not limited to, delusional-drama-seeking-demure-impaired-damsels-in-distress like Duchess Demonomania and deadly-boring dinner companions like Sir Lavender Portwine.

Besides banging her own drum and tooting her own horn to draw attention to herself, this giddy goddess of gripes and groans and her precocious peers from the "Wicked Wenches of Whine & What Have You Got To Say For Yourself" often volunteer their tempermental talents to such questionable causes as the "Garden of Gratitude For Gumbooted Galoots" (a potpourri of plastic plant potentates), and the "Fee-Faw-Foe-Fumming Females of the Freaking Fairy Forest" (an enigmatic environmental group of vertically-challenged vegans and vixens) annual flash-in-the-pan fundraiser.
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Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

The Duke of Doorknobs (aka Fernando Fig-Leaf from Frisby On The Wreake) is a dapper sort of dandy with loose lips and precious little between the ears, (which qualifies him as an excellent dinner companion, a croquet partner, or, in a pinch, a whacking fine Wal-Mart greeter).

Besides being a timid teetotaler, a modest member of the "Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential", and holder of the touching title, "Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool", his biggest claim to fame is befriending piffling poets like Baruch de Loppis (who couldn't give a sweet tweet about iambic pentameter), Agamemnon Melancthon Peters (a graduate of the Spasmodic School of Similes & Sonnets), and Polydore Smith (who possesses a passion for getting lost in a maze of quibbles and a fog of windbag words whilst trying to find his Muse).

When not engaged in trivial pursuits such as tiddlywinks, toe-wrestling, and tin-whistle-blowing, he can be found in the company of the Holy Gregarians, the Resolute Optimists, and occasionally, the Flashing Astonishers.
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Image Credit: finsbry@flickr.com

Hugo Hotagen, also known as "Alpha Dog" is a curious canine and loyal lapdog.

His back-biting and barking behavior make him a wonderful wagging addition to the Court of the Quipping Queen.

True to form Hugo has his day everyday. And why should he...doesn't every healthy hound deserve a holiday from human hogs (otherwise known as pignoramus intolerabilis)?

More often than not, he can be found "putting on the dog" and providing guided tours of Fido-approved fire-hydrants conveniently located beside off-leash pooch parks on the palace grounds.

Hugo is also a member in good standing of the "Band of Big Brutes", the "Genteel Association of Expurgated Hoodlums", and the "Society for the Prevention of Poo in the Parks".
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Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon are a titillating twosome who have survived treks to far off places like Lower Piddle on the Marsh, Nether Wallop, Wormelow Tump, and Yonder Bognie and returned to tell tales about the strange inhabitants found there including munchkins who can manipulate taps using only their feet, snakes in the grass that can't be bothered to bite you, and fishy folk that flatulate for the fun of it underwater.

In their spare time, (in-between engaging in ineffectual arguments on Mondays, tossing their troubles in a pity-pot on Tuesdays, watching mud-wrestling on Wednesday evenings, playing tiddlywinks on Thursdays, not to mention toe-tapping and tippling on Friday nights, sucking back wind on Saturday afternoon, and looking for loopholes in the Bible on Sundays), they can be found compiling a comprehensive list of odd occasions and egads events to celebrate every month including: "Ugly Duckling Day", "Purple People Eater Sing-A-Long", and "Artificial Plant Recognition Day".
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Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. is a rather fine fellow, (a graduate of the University of the Bleeding Obvious, and currently Professor of Print & Piffle at the esteemed University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Little Snoring, and Dean of Do-Nothing at the International Institute of Irregular Verbs and Dangling Modifiers in Yonder Bognie, not to mention a short stint as Vice Regent and Guardian of the Great Horn and Wooden Spoon.

An avid collector of sediment in the tea cup of life, he is also known to have dabbled in non-linear thinking and demonstrated a keen interest in playing off-key musical scores and scaring his house pets half to death whilst doing a ripsnortning rendition of the "Full Monty".
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Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Patience Pantperhog is a colorful character in the Court of the Quipping Queen. A typical Taurus type, on a good day she's a tad self-indulgent and stubborn. On a bad day when she's not behaving like Attila the Hen when cooped up, she's known to engage in peeving, pondering, and pouncing on pratts when deprived of cookies and warm milk at bed time.

Besides being born with a silver foot in her mouth, she's married to a modest man of music named Sir Harold Twitterby, who pours good stiff drinks, plays a very mean version of "Chopsticks", and who can't get enough of her cockaludicrous comments, passionate pouting, and mirthful musings about being weaned on peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.

A buxum brassy babe and brazen boon companion, she's dedicated to protecting the habitat of earwigs and earthworms, not to mention consuming far too much hops and scotch for her own good. When all is said and done, it can be said that she contributes to anything that requires quick-thinking ability, fancy footwork, self-sacrifice, and scathing criticism of simpering sycophants, sneaky snivellers, and servile little Sir Echoes to whom she bids farewell each day with a pointed remark and a pointy finger: "You...get off my planet!
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Image Credit: Illustrator - Antonella Spagnoli@flickr.com

Samantha Tooting-Beck, (known by her intimates as "The Nose Fairy") is a pleasingly plump princess with "Pretty Polly" personality with an abiding interest pillow-talk and weird words that have been banished from everyday conversation). Thankfully, she is silent if not invisible most of the time.

Not your luscious lip-gloss lady with a warm smile and sparkly white veneers which cost a pretty pennty, Samantha was born on a lump of rock whirling about in space, more specifically an incompletely successful planet named Persephone, (lnicknamed Rupert after some astronomer's dead parrot...way out beyond the orbit of Pluto).

Her greatest mission in life is to become a trendy talk-show host, not a TV bimbo which most producers feel she is better suited. In the meantime, she's settled down and accepted a part-time position as a herring sandwich maker in thrilling thank-tank known as MISPWOSO (The Maximegalon Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out The Suprisingly Obvious) and recently accepted the hand of holy matriomony belonging to The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, QC.
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Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.

Literary Credit: MISPWOSO courtesy of Douglas Adams in "Mostly Harmless", his fifth book in the increasingly inaccurately named 'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' trilogy

Sir Harold Twitterby is a blue-blooded busybody with a penchant prattle plus polishing off platefuls of "Twinkies" and "Turtles" while putting the finishing touches on his finest compositions ...melodious minute-long minuettes and rivetting ringtone rhapsodies.

When he is not entertaining his bitter half, Patience Pantperhog, he can be found touching up the shoo-shoo sign on his study door, "NO ADMITTANCE. NOT EVEN TO AUTHORIZED PERSONEL. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE. GO AWAY!"

On his death, he has decided that the world should remember him as modest musician. For that reason, he has written a 12-hour requiem in his honor, and willed his entire personal fortune to the "Ancient Order of the Modern Troglodytes & Triangle-Players".
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Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Theolonius McTavish, a jocular journalist and tartan trouser type whose yen for tippling and tidbits give him a tummy-ache, a runny nose, and short-term memory loss, (which is why he now resides in Canada where he is trying to figure out why anyone would actually want to live in a place frequented by far too many bonking beavers, big bugs, and bushwhacked bears).

Theo, as he is known to his friends, is President of the Kings of Drink, and founding member of the little known group, the League of Holy Humbug, and the equally obscure, Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians.

He is currently devoting his spare time to setting the world record for growing the longest ear hair which must exceed 25 centimeters (10 inches) in order to win the coveted "Hairum Scarum" Award.
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Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, Q.C., a portly politician and former Grand Poobah of the Backside Benchwarming Brigands, spouse of a sassy sylph named Samantha Tooting-Beck, and author of a blessedly boring book entitled, What Sort of Banter Should One Engage In and What Sort of Beverage Should One Request When Having an Audience With The Queen?.

And, last but not least this brief biography should also include the fact that James is also a charter member of the "Knights & Ladies of the Dreadful Yellow Dog" (featured in the illustration above).

In light of his competent, comfortably-off career as a "Court Jester" skilled in the circumvention of the law, he has had ample time to perfect the art and science of determining how many fairies are dancing on his pointy pinhead at any one time. This amazing feat has not gone unnoticed by such well-meaning and worthy organizations as "The Society for the Study of Supremely Stupid Stuff", "The Benign Brotherhood For The Blatherhood of Bunkum", and the "Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted".
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Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

The Queedom of Quirky is not your usual milquetoast monarchy. In fact, it is a rather posh place full of colorful characters such as the Duke of Doorknobs and the Duchess of Ditherington, who love to play dress up and admire themselves in the mirror. All of which brings us to what they will be doing on July 1st, 2012. They will be getting gussied up for the wedding of their dingbat daughter, Lady Love-Handles of Giggleswick in Yokelshire to Lord Lance-A-Lot of Nether Wallop in Humpshire (both of whom met while taking a tea break on a three-day heffalump hunting expedition four years ago in Yonder Bognie in Wherever).

Those wishing to attend the ceremony and reception, to be held at the Temple of Titillation, should wear the most outrageous costume that they can find in their closet, and be prepared to contribute their favorite nursery rhyme or song to wish this wonky wedding couple well!

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Image Credit: Royal Characters - www.michaelspornanimation.com

A few more fanciful faces of HRH Quipping Queen's court of fops, fools, and fonkins which include:

-- Baron Amadeus Balthazar Ernst Heinrich Johannes Schnitzel Wilhelm Whatzit, Grand Poohbah and Tantalizing Tuba Player in the Order of Oompah

-- Bartholemew Buttsworth, Director, Royal Museum of Commodes, Chamber Pots, and Tinkle Pantries

-- Bevan Botcherby, Dipl. (London School of Bafflegab and Beancounting for Beginners)

-- Grimsby Gweeks, a delightful doormat and dangling modifier of some renown

-- Lord Gilbert Gruids, a dazzling dinner companion if one is a doorknob

-- Ozymandius Glud, a fly-by-night flying royal carpet salesperson

-- Patrick Pantybodkin, Marketing Manager for Unusual Unmentionables

-- Peter Poffleyend, Guiding Light of the Lost Lemon News Agency

-- Rupert Ubermensch III, Knight of No Good

-- Sergei Glinks, a vacuous verbose visionary of very little value

-- Sir Thomas Tipplewick, Keeper of the Damn Fine Drinking Cup

-- Sir Winston Whasset, BA, LLB, MBA, LLM, Ph.D., P.Eng., CA, QC and senile Senior Partner of Wiggle Waddle Whasset & Company

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Image Credit: www.stephengdewyer.com, illustrations by Honore-Victorin Daumier

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Image Credit: Pickle Fairy - Gherkin Faerie, illustration by Phillip Blackman - elfwood.com/pickle_fairy.jpg

By Adrian Air-of-Sleet (when he's not busy unlocking doors to royal closets in order to let the skeltons out), he can be found fidgeting and fussing over who has the best recipe for making crumpets in the Court of the Quipping Queen. He is also Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but well-appointed "Pith n Vinegar Palace" on Dallas Road in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)

Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state of mind.

To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.

First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones, open Pandora's box to see what's inside, or crayon outside the lines in their coloring books.

Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.

To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the Queendom. This plan known affectionately as "PUCK-UP", will begin by putting an end to all "do-this-do-that" games in the royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired subjects to play cooperatively in "Sand Circles".

It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the ancient philosophical notion that, "going around in circles is what life is all about".

In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.

He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie characters who have volunteered to act as "Champions" and "facilitators" for this entertaining social-consciousness engagement.

The list of leading learned lights includes:

Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All (Need we say more!)

Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and drivel in the queendom!)

Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She coordinates accessories for every occasion ...especially those sparkly sequined spandex jock straps and thongs!)

Count Can't-You-See-I'm-Busy-Right-Now (His "to-do" list is a tad longer than the average dance card or grocery list)

Countess of Catnaps (She falls asleep at the drop of a hat, which is why she is a welcome guest at every long and boring cocktail party)

Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (An eminently qualified clockwatcher who is joined at the hip to a Mad Hare.)

Duke of Doorknobs (More often than not applauded for his lively impression of a pet rock!)

Duchess of Dither (Purported to be a Diva of Damsels-in-Distress)

Footman of Fetish Footwear (He simply adores tan shoes and pink shoe laces and, if truth be told, polka dot vests)

Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers & G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates exceptionally well in a tight pinch, under-cover, or behind closed-doors)

Groomsman of Grumps, Grouches, and Grouses (His silver tongue soothes crying babies, while his silver spurs usually keep everyone else in line)

Knight of Knock-It-Off (A misanthropic man-at-arms who has difficulty recalling pithy punchlines to jousting jokes)

Knight of It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time (A terrific connect-the-dots, fill-in-the-blanks and paint-by-numbers problem-solver)

Knight of Knock Knees (He puts bowlegged bronco busters to shame!)

Knight of I'm-Sure-It-Was-There-Yesterday (A marvellous speciman of a male memory-gene gone missing!)

Knight of the Carpet (His climb from humble ragpicker to highly-successful rug-sales-associate is attributed to his unique ability to charm the pants off anyone)

Knight of the Black Eyebrow Pencil (Catering to wicked and wild wenches of a certain age seeking help with their winkapeeps, he provides dashing delivery of discontinued basic black eyebrow pencils)

Knight of When-Will-We-Get-There? (There's one of these in every band of merry men who is in constant search of Maid Marion, the Great Pumpkin, and some bloke called "BOB"!)

Lord of Leaping to Conclusions (His talent for manufacturing facts from fiction is truly astounding as is his ability to form an opinion on the basis of fanciful figments of his imagination)

Lady Looby-Loo (A wonderful water-closet waif if ever there was one!)

Lady-In-Waiting-of-Giggle Gear (She will tickle you pink with a feather if you let her)

Prince of Jeepers-Creepers (A blue-blooded, blaspheme-challenged boffin who would prefer to be a lop-eared gazelle, or be cow-kicked and hornswaggled than stoop to using a profane word and be sent to a naughty stool)

Prince Jolly-Jodpurs (The happy-go-lucky sort who adores riding a cockhorse to Banbury Cross just to test-drive his turbo-charged breeches)

Prince Jolly-Jump-Up (A remarkably clean, keen, and yes-madame machine!)

Princess Jiggle-Pot (A scantily-clad sovereign who is known for her fantastic fundraising capabilities)

Princess Jot-It-Down (Not-your-average pencil-pushing pen-pal)

Sir Harold Prickmedainty (Known for making pointed remarks and leaving his confused opponents withering on the vine or under the dinner table)

Valet I (A curious fellow who admits that he has never met a clothes-horse that he couldn't ride)

Valet II (A Professional Putz who polishes booties and brogues for "Beautiful People")

Viscount Casanova Don Juan Lothario Valentine (Responsible for drafting the Queen's annual gushy greeting entitled, "Tips on How to Gird-Your-Loins Safely & Securely", in order to allay concerns among all her romantically-inclined subjects, their squeamish parents not to mention a large constituency of early childhood educators, public health nurses, and pharmacists on the occasion of Cupid's Visit to the realm every February 14th)

With all these robust if not ridiculous resources available, there is no doubt that the project will be an unbelievably huge success!

If not, Her Majesty, (Chief Executive officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer and Grand Poobess of the Whole Shebang in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs and Quagmires), will simply hire some well-compensated consultants and self-promoting spin-doctors. Their task will be to revise the final, feel-good "Project Evaluation Report", (to reflect a healthy, hokey, happily-ever-after story naturally.)

And last but not least, rest assured, the Queen will always find another worthy project to keep her courtiers contented and her subjects in a sportive frame of mind so they will not toss hanging flower pots about in the "City of Gardens", nor frighten the horses pulling the tourist-trap carriages around town, and refrain from sticking ooey-gooey wads of bubble gum on the leather seats of the environmentally-friendly pedi-cabs blocking traffic in the downtown streets!

Hail the Queen of Quixotic Quandaries! May she, her ludicrous court, and her loopy subjects all enjoy much health, wealth and happiness! And as they say here, "When in doubt, chortle and chug-a-lug, 'cause tomorrow's another day!"