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The Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity
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WELCOME TO CRACKPOTS AND CROCKPOTS
This light-hearted lens is devoted to crazy cooks, culinary catastrophes, and ripsnorting recipes for every odd occasion.
If you haven't got a funnybone, never played with food, or tried to make "Green Eggs and Ham" (the "Breakfast of Champions"), this is not the spot for you!
EGADS IT'S EDIBLE ART!
A Heffalump Helping?
Oh what a hoot!
Make my day!
A very creepy clown.
I dare ya to bite me!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT FROM THE FEEDBAG
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byHIPPOPOTAMUS STEW
Hippopotamus Stew is not your-average-ho-hum-ordinary-run-of-the-mill meal you'll find in frozen fast-food section of your supermarket.It's a wonderful way to feed a cockamammie crowd who descends on your doorstep without so much as a moment's notice, provided of course that you've got it stocked in your frigging big freezer at home.
This ripsnorting recipe calls for the following intriguing ingredients:
1 Hippopotamus (medium)
1 Package of instant gravy mix
1 Dash of Sea Salt & Pepper (to taste)
2 Rabbits (optional)
1 Sprig of organically-grown parsley (for decorative purposes only)
1. Cut hippotamus into small bite sized pieces, (this should take only about two months).
2. Place in a large caste iron pot, braze the hippo hide, and then add enough gravy to cover.
3. Bring to the boil and cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.
This recipe makes about 3,800 servings. To extend it add rabbits, but do this only if necessary as most guests do not like to find hare in their stew.
NOT YOUR AVERAGE NATIONAL FOOD HOLIDAYS
- OH THE JOYS OF JANUARY!
- What's not to like about "National Whipped Creme Day" when you can add 1,000 calories to a meal and dress up any dessert?
- A BIT OF FUN FOR FEBRUARY!
- Let's see there's "Peppermint Patty Day" on February 11th, and "National Gum Drop Day" on February 15th, and "Surf and Turf Day" on Leap Day, (I guess "frogs legs" are a delicacy that Americans would rather pass up on any occasion!)
- MERRY MEALS FOR MARCH!
- Are you ready for "National Peanut Butter Lover's Day" on March 1st, "National Artichoke Hearts Day" on March 16th, or "Spinach Day" on March 26th?
- ARE YOU READY FOR APRIL?
- Did you know that April Fool's is "National Sourdough Appreciation Day"?
BONKERS IN BAVARIA
THINK YOU'VE HAD A CRUMBY DAY?
A great icon of the entertainment community, the 71-year-old Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin followed by a funeral held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Dozens of celebrities rose to the occasion and turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, this crusty old man was nevertheless considered a positive roll model for millions of North American cooks who hated making things from scratch.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, and one bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
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This anonymous article is making the rounds of the Internet to amuse those who truly knead it.
KEEP THESE KOOKS OUT OF YOUR KITCHEN!
One very fishy character!
He's got a nose for nibbles!
Good Lord it's the Naked Chef!
Oh rats, it's a ripsnorting rodent!
A Smarty-Pants Chef!
He'll eat you out of house & home!
She'll overdose on Wheebies!
The bottle is his best friend!
Dying to become a chef at your expense!
Your iPod can sing but can't cook!
GOOD GOD IT'S THE NAKED CHEF!
The Naked Chef
If you love stripping back to the bare essentials...this one's for you!
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Happy Days with the Naked Chef
For those who've always wanted to make "Toad-in-the-Hole" and "Fish Finger Buttie" but haven't a clue what to do.
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
The Naked Chef Takes Off
Who wouldn't want to learn how to make "Squashed Cherry Tomato and Smashed Olive Salad" and "Easy Peasy" dessert?
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Jamie Oliver - Oliver's Twist
For folks who can't cook but are willing to give it a try with the help of world-famous "Naked Chef"!
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Mr. and Mrs. God in the Creation Kitchen
How two heavenly homebodies (who are fully dressed) cook up a storm with a lump of dough and some leftover over clay.
Amazon Price: $13.25 (as of 05/16/2008)
FRIGGING FRUITCAKE
Holidays and weddings are a wonderful time to celebrate. Even first time cooks can have fun making our world-famous Frigging Fruitcake.Interesting, if not a tad intoxicating, ingredients you'll need for this mouth-watering munchy and low-carb culinary delight:
1 cup water
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups flour
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup chopped nuts
1 gallon wine (a pleasant plonk will do in a pinch)
1. Sample the wine to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl.
3. Check the wine again to make sure that it is of the highest quality.
4. Pour 1 level cup and drink.
5. Repeat if you're not sure.
6. Turn on the electric mixer and beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
7. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
8. Make sure the wine is still okay. Cry another tup.
9. Turn off the mixer.
10. Break two legs and add to the bowl along with some vanilla extract and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Mix on the turner.
12. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
13. Sample the wine again to check for tonsisticity.
14. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Who cares.
15. Check the wine.
16. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
17. Add 1 table. Spoon. Of sugar or flour or something. Whatever you can find.
18. Grease the oven.
19. Turn the cake pan to 350 degrees.
20. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
21. Throw one bowl out the window.
22. Check the wine again. Go to bed.
Lesson Learned From This Rather Long Recipe: If you don't like frigging fruitcake, why the heck didn't you say so in the first place!*?
THERE'S A RAT IN THE KITCHEN...
The Chop Shop - Basil the Rat (in my Kitchen)
New exclusive video from the Choppy Shoppers. Boshed together for my family, they're big fans of Fawlty Towers, hope you all like it! A lot of people have been asking what we use to make all this crap so...(deep breath) Sonic Foundry Sound Forge Ulead Video Studio 9 Akai MPC 2000 Arkaos VJ Lots of beer n fags.
Runtime: 3:22
11635 views
10 Comments:
DELIGHTFUL DIVERSIONS FOR THE DINNER-CHALLENGED
- DRAMA WITH DINNER
- Who said you can't have a play with your food?
- MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER
- Lost in translation...food you never even heard of: Cowboy Leg, Burn the Spring Chicken, and Good to Eat Mountain.
- FOOD SCULPTURE
- If you can't draw like Leonardo or paint like Picasso, maybe you can make yourself useful by sculpting with sushi or something else.
- SURREAL GOURMET
- He's a real glutton for punishment as you'll see!
- PLAYING WITH FOOD
- For those who need something more challenging than pushing their broccoli or brussel sprouts around the plate!
- FUNNY FOODIE PHRASES
- Speaking of funny brain food, what's on the menu tonight?
- JEST JARGON PLEASE
- A colourful collection of culture and cuisine.
- RECIPE FOR MAKING MONEY
- Here's the best recipe for making money on Squidoo.com that I know!
- FUNNY FOOD CHOICES
- Are you ready to down down on pickled bull's heart, jellied moose nose, or whitefish ice-cream?
VAGUELY VENISON
Vaguely Venison is something to serve those picky picky faux-food buffs who show up at mealtime with that proverbial greeting, "So, what's for dinner tonight?"1 deer
As many Jackrabbits as four skilled hunters can bag in one day
As many vegetables in season as possible
Spices (to taste)
1. Load an 80-gallon pressure cooker with all the above and with ample water.
2. Cook until the lid gasket blows off.
3. De-bone and dice the meat.
4. Hide the jackrabbit bones.
5. Leave the deer bones in sight.
Note: Serve free whiskey before the feast. Serve the venison to the few who are sober. Serve the jackrabbit to the rest.
Warning: This munchy meal should never be served together with a "Bambi Burger"; (the kids will have a meltdown, your spouse will file for a divorce, and rest assured, and the environmentalists will likely eat you for supper).
VIVACIOUS VEGGIES!
Where's Little Bo Peep?
I don't do oink oink!
How to entertain with eggplant!
Just some pathetic pulp people.
This is no ordinary pig in a poke.
Perchance are you Peter Pumpkin Eater?
Greetings from the Guru of Gourds.
Just in time for Leap Year!
A very fruity pair!
There's one showoff in every crowd.
Keep your hands to yourself!
My name's not Tony Tuna, try again!
Just call me Red Hot!
Lemons are not losers!!!
Do I look like Daffy Duck to you?*!
FUNNY FICTION FOR FOODIES
Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously
For those who want a soupcon of Sex and the City that will leave you craving "Oeufs en Cocotte" and "Plombieres" when all you know is Pig-Latin and haven't a hope in heck of cooking every one of the 524 recipes in Julia Child's legendary, "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Cooking for Mr. Right
Trials and tribulations of sous-chef Kate and her ex-boyfriend Gaston, who it seems share a love of gorgeous geoducks (pronounced gooey-duck, the largest burrowing clam in the world).
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
The Food of Love: A Novel
Who wouldn't want to be wooed by baby artichokes and frothy zabagliones made by a man named Tomasso?
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Last Bite: A Novel of Culinary Romance
A culinary caper about a sexy Irish chef who is more at home with linguine and ladies than skinny lattes.
Amazon Price: $16.98 (as of 05/16/2008)
Love and Meatballs
A chick-lit choice for those who adored "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", only this time it's the Italians!
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
RIPSNORTING RECIPE REPOSITORY
- EDIBLE EYEBALLS
- Ever wanted to sample a creepy culinary delight?
- VAMPIRE FANGS IN BLOOD
- How about a tasty blood-curdling little dessert?
- SCRUMPTIOUS SKELETONS
- Time to get those skeletons out of the closet and on the dinner table!
- ANYONE FOR A SWEET SKULL
- The centerpiece for your next Pirate Party!
- DADDY LONGLEGS CUPCAKES
- The only kind of cupcakes to serve at a "Creepy Critter" birthday party.
- BUG JUICE
- "Shirley Temple" won't cut it with the boys...so try this one on for size!
- FRIGHTFUL FINGER FOOD
- What else would you serve to folks you want to send home early!
- MONSTER TOES
- Be sure to serve these together with your "Frightful Finger Food"!
- WORMS ON A BUN
- A great breakfast for the boys before they go out fishing for the day!
- PUTRID PUNCH
- A wonderful accompaniment for that Piscatorial Platter, "Worms on A Bun".
- CEREALS WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO SEE ANYTIME SOON
- Would you want to wake up in the morning to a bowl full of these funny flakes?
GIGGLES AND GRUB GO HAND IN HAND!
Don't Try This At Home: Culinary Catastrophes from the World's Greatest Chefs
All about screw-ups in the scullery - an excellent choice for those who think they know it all!
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Dinner Party Disasters: True Stories of Culinary Catastrophe
A marvelleous "must-have" manual for those who wish to avoid dining disasters.
Amazon Price: $11.96 (as of 05/16/2008)
The Vodka Cookbook
For those who have difficulty making a "Molotov Cocktail" or a "Glazed Confused Chicken".
Amazon Price: $24.95 (as of 05/16/2008)
Roald Dahl's Even More Revolting Recipes
Cordon Bleu Cooking School didn't teach you how to make "Toad-in-the-Hole" and "Pickled Spines of Porcupine"!
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 05/16/2008)
Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes
What do you mean you don't know how to make "Hair Toffee To Grow on Bald Men"?
Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 05/16/2008)
HOW IS COOKING IN THE 'OLDE COUNTRY'?
Judging from the fanciful food-themed street names in the "olde country" such as:-- Frying Pan Alley
-- Bacon Drive
-- Crab Lane
-- Egg Lane
-- Pie Corner
-- Pickles Corner
-- Creampot Close
-- Pudding Street
-- Jammy Lane
it's not hard to understand why "bangers and mash" is everyone's favorite food in the United Kingdom!
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Insert Photo Credit: Karohemd on flickr.com Bangers & Mash + recipe
A FANCIFUL FORK STORY...
Restaurant Sketch - Monty Python
"Restaurant Sketch" from Monty Python's Flying Circus, Episode 3.
Runtime: 5:10
17366 views
10 Comments:
MIRTHFUL MOUTHWATERING MEALS FOR THOSE ON THE GO!
Multitasking mavens will love this mouthwatering meal, Dishwater Salmon with Piquant Dill Sauce. Not only will it knock the socks off family or friends, but also allow you to cook and clean-up using only a counter-top element and your dishwasher!What's not to like about Beer Can Chicken & Accessories, not to mention what helps to make it go down, "Frozen Watermelon Margaritas"!
SUMPTUOUS SNACKS FROM THE SURREAL GOURMET!
Surreal Gourmet: Real Food for Pretend Chefs
His drawings, meals, and selection of music to munch by will definitely inspire the irreverent in anyone!
Amazon Price: $11.51 (as of 05/16/2008)
Surreal Gourmet Bites: Showstoppers and Conversation Starters
What's not to like about a "Ceaser Teaser", "Byzantine Bruschetta" or a "Samuri Scallop"?
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
Off the Eaten Path : Inspired Recipes for Adventurous Cooks
Try a low-stress meal like "Pyrotechnic Pineapple" or "Love Me Tenderloin"!
Amazon Price: $20.00 (as of 05/16/2008)
THE OMNIVORE'S SOLUTION TO EATING IN THE NEW YEAR
1. Don't eat anything your grandmother wouldn't recognize as food (whether it includes enhanced edibles such as "Chemically-altered Carrots with Character" or stocks that are guaranteed to sing their way through your alimentary canal like "Celery by Celine"!)2. Avoid foods containing ingredients you can't pronounce (that probably includes the cute can of "Feves au lard, sauce melasse, source tres elevee de fibres" you've got hiding in your pantry).
3. Don't eat anything that won't eventually rot, (hmmm...probably means that plate of plastic cheese in the fridge has got to go!)
4. Avoid food products that carry health claims, (including that no calorie, fresh-on-the-tongue Blue Q breath-spray that promises an instant Irish accent!)
5. Shop the peripheries of the supermarket; stay out of the middle (that's where all those tin-can trolls hang out).
6. Better yet, buy food somewhere else like the farmer's market (where you'll find plenty of hayseeds to keep you happy).
7. Pay more, eat less (that way you don't have to join that expensive fitness club in order to fight off your frigging flab!)
8. Eat a wide diversity of species (Note: Things that fly, run, or swim tend to be a bit tough, so you might want to try stuff that grows where it's planted and comes in red, green, or yellow).
9. Eat food from animals that eat grass (as opposed to grubs, worms and insects ...which pretty much eliminates your two favorite meals: Pig-In-A-Blanket and Mock-Turtle Soup).
10. Cook (this does not include micro-waving Mum's munchies from last week's "care package") and, if you can, grow some of your own food (try parsley in a pot, that way you can decorate your own dishes and satisfy your bodacious body's appetite for Vitamin C!)
11. Eat meals and eat them only at tables (that come with benches or chairs, standing up while eating is strictly verboten...it's unhealthy and besides, it's rude!)
12. Eat deliberately, with other people whenever possible, (no chewing your cud with your pets doesn't count) and always with pleasure (that means avoid slurping your soup at all costs; try smacking your lips instead!)
__________
NOTE: All recommendations have been adapted from Michael Pollan's hugely popular books entitled, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto and The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals.
Insert illustration, "Hysteria" by Susan Mrosek.
BAFFLING BOOKMARKS FOR THOSE WHO'VE GONE BATTY
FUNNY FILMS FOR FOODIES
Ratatouille
For aspiring chefs who don't want to learn French.
Amazon Price: $19.99 (as of 05/16/2008)
Fawlty Towers, Vol. 2 - Gourmet Night/Germans/Communication
For aspiring chefs who don't want to learn German either but have a flair for dramatic presentations.
Amazon Price: $14.99 (as of 05/16/2008)
Fawlty Towers, Vol. 3 - Waldorf Salad/Kipper and the Corpse/Anniversary/Basil the Rat
For those who enjoy calamitous comedies involving crazy cooks, puzzled patrons, and hilarious hotel hospitality.
Amazon Price: $14.99 (as of 05/16/2008)
There's a Girl in My Soup
A quintessentially classic culinary caper if ever there was one!
Amazon Price: (as of 05/16/2008)
GUESTBOOK FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GIGGLES & GRUB!
Feel free to leave your culinary catastrophe or crazy cook story.
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julieashcroft
Great recipes here, I like Frigging Fruitcake is very much. I will be prepare that recipes as early as possible. I think it will be one of my favorite recipe. Posted May 02, 2008 |
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Janet21
I love this lens, especially the 'frigging fruitcake'! Too funny. :) All of your lenses make me smile. You have such a wonderful way with words. Keep up the great work. Posted January 26, 2008 |
