CRAZY CRAYON COLLEGE

A crayon is much more than a tallow tool. It's a tantalizing treat for talented tots and considered a troublesome chore to remove from floors and walls by grown-ups.

A humble crayon (by the name of Conte, that's with a french accent over the "e"), was born in Europe several centuries ago. As fate would have it, the crayon gave starving artists and doodlebugs a reason for being besides signing up to fight another war or waiting for Godot to show up and tell them what to do. During the nineteenth century however, when things got a bit bleak and boring, the crayon emigrated to America to seek a more fulfilling and rewarding life as a "Crayola crayon".

The crayon is a wonderful tool for writing or drawing on glossy surfaces such as porcelain (Mum's fine china or a bath tub), glass (a bedroom window, or a plate glass store window), not to mention painted or stucco walls of any kind (found at home, at kindergarten, or at work).

And here's a tidbit of trivia, a crayon will melt at 120 degrees Fahrenheit or 40 degrees Centigrade (which is handy to know when you're popping them in the dryer, the microwave, or the stove as part of your next creative experiment).

Dictionary writers, politicians, and scientists all agree that a crayon is not a pencil, (even though the word "crayon" is the French word for pencil, and no wars have been waged lately to determine who who makes the biggest and best crayons in the world).

Not to put too fine a point on it, but police, parents and pedants have long expressed concern about the fact that there are far too many colorful characters out there with crayons in their hands making a mess of everything, (which is why rules and bylaws were created to curb the use of crayons in unauthorized places).

And lastly, a crayon comes in all shapes, sizes, and smells which is why it is given to grubby kids to keep them quiet and not to grumbling grown-ups who can't remember how to play.

"The Simpson's", probably rings a bell, especially with anyone who still watches TV and has a satirical sense of humor.

Here's a dazzling bit of dialogue involving one of those crazy characters on the show, Ralph Wiggum:

Ralph: Miss Hoover?

Miss Hoover: Yes Ralph?

Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.

Miss Hoover: Why not.

Ralph: I ate it.

(LESSON FOR THE DAY: Those who consume crayons are probably the same ones who put them in a microwave, a toaster or a clothes dryer on the off chance that heating it might enhance the flavor.)

Recommended for those with limited knowledge.

GOT CRAYONS?

...just wondering because
I recently ran out of blue.

Recommended for those with Cockamammie Colorless Character Syndrome (CCCS) or those with Black and White Personality Disorder (BWPD)

HELLO...

who said I'm afraid
of yucky "YELLOW"?

Recommended for those with a lax or libertine attitude to life. Note: Ability to keep crayons neat, not peel them, or consume them at recess is required.

Recommended for those who wish to discover and explore the wonderful world of wild and wimpy colors that do not include variations on a theme of blue and red.

MY NAME IS VIOLET:COLOUR ME PURPLE!

Note: Purple People Eaters must bring a certificate from
a physician stating that they will not cannibalize their crayons.

CRAYON CRITTERS, DON'T DO "SPELLING BEES"!

Prerequiste: Ability to recite the
"Sesame Street" alphabet without
skipping a beat or at least be willing
to draw a bowl of alphabet soup.

If you think that inside every
artist is a child with a box of crayons,
you're right! So, what are you waiting for?
Sign up and color your world any way you want!

Prerequisite: Ability to stand in front
of a mirror and repeat, "Mirror mirror
on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

Bartholemew Q. Bellibones, Dean of Doodles

Bartholemew (a graduate of the Paint By Numbers University in Moose Factory, Ontario), has had a gifted artistic career as Cr8tive Director at the Connect-the-Dots Advertising Agency and Chief Pencil Pusher at the esteemed Wild West Wax Museum of Bandits & Broncos, not to mention serving as President of the International Society for Research Into Dabbling & Doodling (ISRDD) for the past 25 years and authoring several books of note including, "What's The Best Way To Get Melted Crayon Out Of A Dryer?", "150 Uses For Mature Crayons", and "How To Avoid Buying a Box of Crappy Crayons".

Tootsy Twillingate, Professor of Poka Dots

Tootsy, (a former exotic entertainment professional at the Lady Marmalade Club in Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky), took up crayoning as a career at the tender age of 39 when she realized that opportunities for advancement were limited in her previous line of work.

Her Motto: If you can't find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, at least paint them with your broken crayons!

Wacky wisdom can often be found in odd places, for instance, a blessed box of crayons.

Linus and Lucy from the comic strip "Peanuts" have a few words to say on the importance of crayons in one's daily life:

Linus: How do you like the chocolate I made for you?

Lucy: It's terrible! It's too weak! It tastes like some warm water that's had a brown crayon dipped in it!

Linus (tastes it): You're right. I'll go put in another crayon.

* * *

Or how about these little lost lines buried beneath a newspaper column marked "Tidbits and Treats":

"I nailed down the crayon smell...it's that dirty foot cheese flavor". (Gratuitous graffiti scribbled on the wall of a blue cheese factory).

"Pink crayon stains on a sweathshirt do not a cool duded make." (An off-colour comment made by a feisty, finger-pointing fashionista that made it onto the front page of a Hollywood scandal sheet).

"Put your crayons away and grow-up. (A singularly loud party-pooping remark overheard at a formal dinner hosted by Big Bird and friends).

"'Burnt Sienna' just tastes like a crayon; it's not worth it!" (A tawdry tagline that didn't make it into the final cut for a popular TV cooking show titled, "Hell's Kitchen".)

"Take my advice, he's not the brightest crayon in the box." (A telling line from a stray email that wound up on everyone's inbox when the "reply all" was inadvertently hit by a high-ranking official in an unmentioned municipal planning department.)

C.R.I.M.E. stands for Crayon Renderings Implicate Mostly Everyone. (Title of a proposed policy brief to elected politicians in the hope of ending the scourge of crass crayon art decorating boring utility boxes, mundane mail bins, and the weary walls of neglected places of ease all located in a town called, "No Name".)

"How can I do my job when you only give me broken crayons. (You guessed it, those famous last words of the 'not the brightest crayon in the box' person.)

I take it this box of crayons doesn't have a Flesh crayon. (Anonymous complaint received in a kindergarten suggestion box, signed by "Smarty Pants".)

* * *

To conclude this deep musing exercise for today, here's an off-the-beaten track observation to reflect upon:

"We could all take a lesson from crayons. Some are bright, some are beautiful, some are dull, some are short, some are tall and some have weird names! But they all live in the same box."

Everybody's born equal, they all get a crayon box, the real issue is what they're going to do with it that counts.

Some complain about the fact that they haven't got the right colors. Some blame their parents for not having been given genius status so they wouldn't have to go to kindergarten let alone school. Still others blame manufacturers for not providing them with a money-back guarantee of satisfaction before they'll use them.

The fact of the matter is that the universe provides many ways for all of us to be creative. All we need to do is take the first step; by the way, "what color is your parachute?"

Don't worry, even if your knowledge of color is limited to your adorable little "Purple People Eater" Halloween costume, you may have a future in fashion design or establish a nifty new non-profit: "The Positive Purple People Society"!

So without further ado, just follow the guidelines below:

1. Open your box of crayons, pick your favorite color and do something with it: draw or doodle, write a poem, or compose a song ...failing that tap it on a table to get a beat. (Hint: Drawing outside the lines, filling in the blanks, and thinking outside the box is OK, trust me).

2. Ignore what everyone else is doing and do your own schtick, (that's what makes you unique ...after all no one has ever seen a heffalump have they!)

3. You don't have to have a big idea, but it helps if it's a different way of doing something or another way of looking at the world, (thank goodness for itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis).

4. Don't wait for "The Great Pumpkin", the "Tooth Fairy" or "Santa Claus" to inspire you before you begin...after all, creative genius is inside everyone, so there's plenty to go around. (Hint: just talk to your inner child and ask it to come out and play!!!)

5. Know where to draw the red line that separates what you're willing to do and what you're not. (Knowing your boundaries is as important knowing how to build bridges...we need both to enjoy life and to exercise our spunky spirit of creativity.)

Here are a few facts you probably didn't know about crayons.

1. Kids, aged 2-8 in the United States, spend an average of 28 minutes each day coloring, or 6.3 billion hours a year. (NOTE: No statistics are available on what proportion of time they spent eating them).

2. In February, 1996, the 100th billion Crayola crayon was made by Fred Rogers of "Mister Roger's Neighborhood". (NOTE: This revelation is important to Baby Boomers and their kids, however the "millenial" generation will not have a clue what we're talking about).

3. The scent of Crayola crayons is among the 20 most recognizable to American adults, according to a Yale University study...the first two being coffee and peanut butter. (NOTE: perhaps the latter smells are symbols of a healthy, prosperous, and grown-up society, however the fact that crayon scent ranked number 18 may suggest the existence of an inner child waiting to come out and play if only asked to do so).

Source: B&S History and Crayola Trivia, May 2001.