My Love Affair with Disclaimers
So, it all started a decade ago, when I opened the Operator's Manual that came with my shiny new microwave oven. My eyes landed on a list of do-not's, and this one jumped out at me:
DO NOT place a live animal in the microwave. Doing so could be fatal.
It seems someone in the world of Kitchendom tried drying their feline friend in a nice, warm microwave. Kitty didn't appreciate it and died.
Disclaimers cover the gamut of human foibles. If you don't have time to read all the packaging that litters your life, let me put your mind at ease. I will read it for you It's part of my illness, dontchaknow? *Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for the well-being of any reader or pet--past, present, or future. Continue at your own risk.
This lens won't keep you warm and safe, well-fed and cushioned from chaos. But it will entertain and enlighten you. Sit back, people. You're in for a quirky ride.
New to Squidoo? Make your own lens today!
Hooray for Product Labeling!
Scary products you can't live without...
Could you guess who said the above quote? Erma Bombeck! (1927-1996). She had a unique way of looking at the quirky side of life and writing a column about it.Now, if Erma found that her new curling iron or laundry detergent didn't come with an owner's manual, her creative juices would have kicked in. She might have grabbed the nearest magnifying glass and given its packaging the once-over.
Try it. I'll bet my left elbow that you'll find a cautionary note of some kind attached to your favorite products.
Here are a few disclaimers I've collected through the years. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Curling Iron: "Warning: This product can burn your eyes." (Oh, the price we pay for curly lashes...)
iPod: "Do not eat iPod Shuffle." (Dang. Y'mean I have to eat broccoli?)
Toilet Paper: "For questions or assistance with this product, please call 1-800..." (I hope they pay their staff well.)
Weather Forecast Station: "Do not immerse the unit in water." (What? No bubble bath?)
Electric Range: "Stepping or sitting on the door of this range can result in serious injuries and also cause damage to the range." (So, like where am I s'pose to eat my dinner? Hmmm?)
Clothes Dryer: "Do not allow children to crawl inside drum or hang from door."
"This e-mail is intended for the addressee shown.It contains confidential information."
Breakout!
Escape the clutch of disclaimers! You know you can. :::deep breath:::
Boiling water could very well change your life.
(*Caution! Never, EVER drink boiling water straight from the pan.)
How To Boil Water
Pass the Disclaimer, Please
...because there's always room for one more warning
Ok, here's YOUR turn to launch your disclaimer-writing career. Think of a product that needs more warnings, and add to this list. It's the least you can do for humanity.
Hedge trimmer
Not for children under the age of six, unless supe more...0 points
"It is ludicrous to read the microwave directions on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: 'THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE.' Loosely translated, this means, 'You're on your own, Bernice.'"
Crafts Made from Labels
Strange but true...
- Crafts You Can Make From Everyday Labels - Associated Content
- Koolaid purses? Yep. Make 'em here.
- To Make Scratch Pads of Old Labels
- Labels and blank paper of uniform size, that would otherwise be cast aside, can be turned into handy scratch pads by placing them between blocks of wood, secured by a wood clamp, and applying paste on...
- Free Christmas Cards Kids Can Make Out of Recycle Craft Materials
- Christmas crafts your kids will love!
Books to Set You Straight
Amazon to the rescue!
Harriet's Disclaimer
This just in from Great-Aunt Harriet:
Always wear clean underwear.
You never know when you'll have to take an ambulance ride.
Disclaimer on Disclaimers
Life is a maze. Consider the warning signs and enter at your own risk.
Step Away from the Product!
More for humanity to worry about...
Bill over at Electric Eclectic has posted this small-print disclaimer, claiming to be a standard bilingual disclaimer.Wear a strong pair of reading glasses. Bring a can of disclaimer repellent. You're in for a linguistical tangle.
And now for some more dumb product labeling:
Iron: Never iron clothes on the body!
Blow dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
Cigarette lighter: Do not ignite lighter near face.
Flashlight batteries: If swallowed, see doctor promptly.
Matches: Warning: Contents may catch fire.
Chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop with bare hands.
Wheelbarrow: Do not use in temperatures exceeding 140 degrees Fahrenheit!
Labels from the Good Ol' Days
Links to colorful antique labels
- Fruit Crate Art - Unique Collectible Antique Labels
- Colorful antique posters once used to emblazen brands onto 40 pound fruit crates. Brilliant original colors. Framed and ready for sale. Authentic vintage art Circa 1930's.
- TimeCamera's Antique Labels
- Antique Labels, Cigar Labels, Trade Cards, Ephemera
- The History of Fruit Crate Labels and Can Labels by TheLabelMan.com
- TheLabelMan.com offers tips on collecting fruit crate and can labels, including the history of labels from 1880 to 1990.
- Grandmas' Antique Labels - Something For Everyone!
- Antique Fruit Box and Other Labels
- BlueSkySearch - Antique Produce Labels
Danger! Danger!
When mere gasps aren't enough...
Leash may decapitate...
Leash not for self u...
Walking on Water
Please do not sit he...
More from Great-Aunt Harriet
Never, ever eat a blackberry straight off the vine. A bird may have deposited a little present there.
New YouTube vids
Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy
Freakin' Out?
Soothe your cares away.
How to Regulate Dishonesty
USE OF THIS SOFTWARE TO MAKE UNAUTHORIZED COPIES OF MOVIES AND OTHER CONTENT MAY REQUIRE THE PERMISSION OF THE COPYRIGHT OWNER.
Just When You Thought It Was OK to Relax...
- Warning Label Overkill. Crazy Warning Labels
- Sometimes you just want to scream,
stamp your feet, do anything when you've bought a defective product
or been hassled by poor service. To avoid getting the run around,
try following these general guidelines. - A Few Moronic Warning Labels
- A few gems over at the Taste Like Crazy blog.
- Alex's Webspace - Crazy Product Labels
-
More craziness from Alex... - Crazy Product Labels - Broadcasting World
- Just when you thought it couldn't get any dumber...
- Crazy Warnings
- Silly and stupid warning labels companies put on products. from bored.com
Rate your Scaredycat Status
Leave Your Footprint...
Leave your cautionary notes here...
BigGirlBlue wrote...
DH always thought the disclaimer of "do not insert metal objects" on the blender was ridiculous... until he did it and ended having blended tomato all over the ceiling, himself etc.
Posted December 08, 2008
JaguarJulie wrote...
Disclaimer: My grandchild is wearing clean underwear or no underwear at all. Ooops. This is a hilarious and so true lens!
Posted October 14, 2008
chefkeem wrote...
SquidAngels always come in clean underwear - St. Peter told us so! A star shower with benefits is in order for your lens, Bonnie! Feel blessed at your own risk!
Posted October 12, 2008
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