Since this year has 366 days instead of the usual 365, it's about time all our "Lusty Leapers" got out and enjoyed a bit of nauseating nature...if only for a day!

Rather than cursing the frigging monsoon, the godawful sleet, the abominable hail, the wretched wind, unbearable humidity, or the blinking snow and ice, why not take up "Field Crumpets".

It's a good deal more fun than drinking weak tea and wolfing down some tasteless scones in the presence of boring company. Besides, you get to play with a bunch of bats and balls come rain or come shine in a game where there are no referees or umpires to make your day miserable.

This odd form of recreation was invented by two young men in 1995. The game of "Crumpets" (not to be confused with it's offshoot, Field Crumpets) was invented 1995. It is very much like Badminton and involves hitting a shuttlecock across a fence using a fat, orange wiffle bat, (a difficult thing to do especially if you've got too much tea or a bit of bubbyl under your belt).

After a year or so of playing this game, it was decided that something a bit more challenging was needed. Hence, "Field Crumpets" was created to save the day. As fate and funnybone lobbyists would have it, thankfully no grabbing, holding or tackling is permitted, (otherwise the baby boomers would flood the clinics and hospitals, insurance rates would go through the roof, and who knows if a few disgruntled ones would take matters into their own hands jeopardizing public order, good government, national security, not to mention world peace).

The best part of the game is it's unique sense of fairness and good-natured spirit. After all, there are no teams: no need to spill blood, guts and gore all over the place or shout profanities that awaken the slumbering neighbors, scare the pets, and shock the Raging Grannies into action. No bad feelings here, no siree. How is that possible? Well, all disagreements are settled by a wonderful equalizer, that other game called "Rock, Paper, Scissors".

So, find a backyard, field, or piece of turf on the back forty that you and friends can gather during a heat wave, a snow storm, or a dreadful downpour or perhaps just a nice uneventful weather day and have some fun with Field Crumpets!

As with anything odd or obscure, it is best to consult the stars or at the very least ask a few folks who live in the clouds.

When asked the origin of the crumpet, one philosopher named "Wonderman" replied that crumpets came from a boring planet far far away in some outpost in the universe called "Bob".

On the other hand, a reputable astrologer from the Temple of Truthiness indicated that the crumpet was "immaculately conceived" during a Mars retrograde by the Goddess of Grub and her cockamammie consort affectionately known as the Guru of Gourmet Gone Wrong.

The truth of the matter is that this crumpled or curled up cake has a Celtic origin (that means fantastic folk who believe in all manner of elves, fairies, and goblins).

The word "crumpet" dates back to late 17th century Europe when not much was going except nasty nitpicking, bad kings, and far too many dates to remember on a history exam.

If one is bland sort of breakfast food person, this tiny, tasteless, toasted tidbit with the consistency of sponge rubber, will truly hit the tummy with a great thud on a cold chilly morning.

There is much debate among dedicated debaters as to whether this circular (or long and square) and bent shaped (or crooked in some cases) dough made from flour and yeast is fit for human consumption (since only the Brits, Aussies, Kiwis and occasionally Canucks eat them).

Grammatically-correct grub enthusiasts insist that "crumpets" are not muffins, pancakes, teacakes, and certainly not pikelets, (which is significant as this might have been the basis for a wearisome war of wits between some very wicked wordpeckers).

So, all you need to do is buck up your courage and dig into this soggy snack at the next opportunity!

While crumpets may not curl your toes and make you warm and fuzzy all over, they have however managed to find themselves a place in the pages of some rather baffling books.

Without further ado, here are some rather fine examples "crumpets" appearing in light-reading materials.

"...she was so happy, she'd gladly give tea and crumpets to the devil if he asked her nicely for them." -- The Pirate Lord (Lord Trilogy, Book 1) by Sabrina Jeffries, 1998, p. 294.

"She paused for a moment, as she envisioned him stuffing a crumpet through those fleshy lips." -- Lady Be Good (Avon Romance) by Susan Elizabeth Phillips, 2004, p. 59.

"Those are the kinds of casual chicks who'd pass up tea and crumpets for a good challenge." -- The Modern Girl's Guide to Life by Jane Buckingham, 2004, p. 133.

"Have you heard of the committee for the Myrtle B. Glutz chapter of the Georgia Crumpet Tasters Society?" -- Robert's Rules for Dummies by Alan C. Jennings, 2004, p. 45.

"She has been labelled the thinking man's crumpet and is still incredibly sexy." -- All You Need to Be Impossibly French: A Witty Investigation into the Lives, Lusts, and Little Secrets of French Women by Helena Frith-Powell, 2006, p. 59.

Crumpets are clearly the subject of much speculation if not sumptuous expectation.

Some crumpets are tasty, and others leave much to the imagination.

So, without wasting any more air time, here are several laughable lines on the subject of those cockamammie crumpets!

"...I guess we'll see who's short a few crumpets. So fire it off!" -- Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, 2001, p. 296.

"Fraternity parties of today seem as tame as tea and crumpets at four." -- The Bible for Dummies by Geoffrey C. Geoghagen and Michael M. Homan, 2002, p. 158.

"The origins of baseball are about as American as tea and crumpets." The Greatest Stories Never Told: 100 Tales from History to Astonish, Bewilder, and Stupefy by Rick Beyer, 2003, p. 103.

He's got a nephew who's quite off his crumpet." -- The Murder of Roger Ackroyd: A Hercule Poirot Mystery by Agatha Christie, 2006, p. 218.

"Guest-services Ministry. Do you need to brew tea and bake crumpets to solicit a 'wow'>" -- First Impressions: Creating Wow Experiences In Your Church by Mark L. Waltz, 2004, p. 42.

In the saga of soggy snacks, crumpets may fill the bill if not baked or toasted properly.

But if you haven't got a cookie to crumble, at least let those cute crumpets fall where they may, speaking of which here's our last installment of ripsnorting references to these low-fat, low carb food items, or slightly salacious segues into a deathly boring conversation.

Hang on, because these light-hearted laugh lines may throw you for a loop!

"It wasn't all tea and crumpets living with Ben." -- Buffett: The Making of an American Capitalist by Roger Lowenstein, 1996, p. 68.

"On the other hand, Condescencia, Crumpet, and Bucket are some of the least popular girl names." -- Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings by Rob Brezsny, 2005, p. 49.

"A kidney pie, perchance, or a mouldy crumpet. I daresay, you're too kind Mother. -- The Brothers K by David James Duncan, 1996, p. 195.

"This is my work uniform. My elf name is Crumpet." Barrel Fever: Stories & Essays by David Sedaris, 1995, p. 174.

"She sashayed around the room, passing out the little crumpets you stayed up all night baking." -- Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks: A Real Girl's Guide to Getting Through the Day with Smarts and Style by Erika V. Shearin Karres, 2004, p. 97.

"She walked out on the preservation committee, right between the crumpets and the tea." -- The Sign of the Book: A Cliff Janeway "Bookman" Novel -- by John Dunning, 2006, p. 94.

When will these crass crumpet lines finally find their way into file 13?

Alas, it seems that unbeknownst to most readers, crumpets appear to have a fascination for authors. Perhaps some word birds have an abiding need to fill in those marvellous pregnant pauses during a lull in conversation when the characters can't figure out what to do next, who knows?

There's more fodder for the feast, so let's get on with it!

"They declared independence from the British by barbecuing crumpets." -- The Partly Cloudy Patriot by Sarah Vowell, 2003, p. 12.

"Who are you talking to" asked my little Plum Crumpet. -- Cosmic Banditos by A.C. Wiesenbecker, 2001, p. 21.

"Beer Crumpet? What's that?" Bard said. -- Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle's Magic by Betty Macdonald and Alexandra Boiger, 1985, p. 11.

The Goddess Squad. Onward Vixen Soldiers. The Tea 'n' Crumpet Strumpets. You get the idea. --Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a SmarthMouth Goddess by Susan Jane Gilman, 2001, p. 104.

The thought of those guys sipping tea and eating crumpets at a fine restaurant downtown is ridiculous. -- The Ultimate Baseball Road-Trip: A Fan's Guide to Major League Stadiums by Joshua Pahigian and Kevin O'Connell, 2004, p. 474.

Enough with the crumpets already!

Gorging oneself on this grub is taking a toll on the tummies of tome folks. So, this is the final installment on crumpets in the classics, thank God.

I say, old crumpet, did my uncle seem pleased to see you? -- Life With Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse, 1983, p. 19.

They wanted to live in a teepee and drink tea and eat crumpets with the Queen of Egypt. -- Reading Reflex: The Foolproof Phono-Graphix for Teaching Your Child to Read by Carmen McGuinness and Geoffrey McGuinness, 1999, p. 288.

"Crumpet: Female object of 1970s desire." Knickers in a Twist: A Dictionary of British Slang by Jonathan Bernstein, 2006, p. 156.

British English braces, torch, lorry, petrol, cinema, diversion, crumpet, dustbin, chips, and mackintosh among others. -- 240 Vocabulary Words 6th Grade Kids Need to Know by Linda Ward Beech, 2003, p. 55.

"It's boiling warm, one could stay there all day. Crumpets! Oh, Fanny!" -- The Pursuit of Love & Love in a Cold Climate: Two Novels by Nancy Mitford, 2001, p. 445.

Neanderthal made a rude but necessary start, by dunking her crumpet in the marmalade." The Deluxe Transitive Vampire: A Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed by Karen Elizabeth Gordon, 1993, p. 60.

But you know how that works. The tea-and-crumpet crew gets priority. -- The New Breed: Brotherhood of War 07 by W.E.B. Griffin, 1988, p. 64.

He was way the Hell over there in England, eating crumpets. -- Middlesex - A Novel by Jeffrey Eugenides, 2003, p. 257.

He behaves avuncularly, tut-tutting what has happened, feeding him buttered crumpets, and securing him a room at the Leaky Cauldron hostelry. -- God, the Devil, and Harry Potter: A Christian Minister's Defense of the Beloved Novels by John Killinger, 2004, p. 167.

Something about beer, tea, and crumpets just doesn't gel. Type the words "Whassup" and "Budweiser". -- Life After the 30-Second Spot: Energize Your Brand With a Bold Mix of Alternatives to Traditional Advertising" by J. Jaffe, 2005, p. 220.

Forget about Irish potato pancakes, those thin rubbery French pancakes, or the All-American Aunt Jemima's!

Try the real thing (according to Delia Smith). Her recipe will feed a hungry horde of 16 heffalumps.

12 fl. oz. (355 ml) milk

1 tbsp. yeast

1 tsp. (a big pinch) sugar

8 oz. white/brown flour (227 gr.)

Form into dough, use cookie cutter, let rise. Then pop into the oven to bake (325 degree F.) and watch until they're brown on top.

NOTE: After you've made it, you'll understand why the British consider the "crumpet" the nearest thing to a tasty tidbit they can get in the morning, (which is probably why they adopted it as their national sex symbol).

"What's carolling got to do with crumpets?" the cockamammie old codger asked indignantly.

"Who cares, it's Silly Santa Season..so shut up and listen!" replied the crazy crone sitting beside him.

So, if you want to enjoy a happy holiday, why not pick up John Kirkpatrick's latest CD entitled Carolling & Crumpets.

It's got oodles of snazzy songs that are a pleasant relief from that hackneyed "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" you hear every year.

What's not to like about these little gems?

-- The Jovial Tinker
-- Chuckling Hens
-- Great Christmas Pud
-- Boar's Head Carol
-- Pig on a Bicycle
-- Carolling & Crumpets
-- Jogging Along With My Reindeer

Oh and by the way, Have a Merry Moosemas!