I spent six years in an abusive church. When I began to question our leader's authority (which took a long time and a lot of guts), I read all kinds of info about everything from spousal abuse to cults, brainwashing to manipulative relationships. It didn't take long to learn 3 important things:
1. I was in a cult!
2. All those things - the abusive spouse, the authoritative church, the brainwashed cult - use the same methods of operation.
3. The techniques used in cults to control people are used, allbeit less powerfully, in many other relationships and they're rarely recognized for what they are.

I would NEVER join a cult! I'm not abused. I would never allow myself to be brainwashed. So, why should I care? This just doesn't apply to me.

This applies to EVERYONE. Our society is deeply vulnerable to destructive relationships and abusive groups because we're not informed. The catch-22 of it is, we're ignorant because we think we're invulnerable.

There are thousands of cults scattered across America. And, just like jeans, they come in every size and style. Of course, there are the cults where everybody shaves their heads, chants, and builds bunkers. The ones where the members drink koolaid, offer their bodies for their leader's pleasure, or murder at their leader's command. But, most cult leaders and sly manipulators simply aren't after murder and mahem. More often, they are after financing and followers.

Do any of these sound familiar?
The multi-level, multi-million dollar corperation, where, no matter how many circles you draw, you can't attain the promised upper-level riches.
The cult of two, a marriage in which the wife has to ask permission to buy groceries and is not allowed to have lunch with her friends anymore.
The cute little chapel on the corner where the pastor criticizes members for not wearing their "Sunday best" or attending every meeting and who teaches his flock to separate themselves from "evildoers" (i.e. people who don't attend his church).
The worldwide religious organization with hundreds or thousands of followers of whom little seems to be required, as long as they continue giving their generous donations.

So, maybe, you haven't been sucked into one of these sticky situations. But, maybe someone you know has. Maybe you can help.

Just because something is different, that doesn't mean it's bad. In the past, if it looked different, it was weird. If it sounded different, it was wrong. Things are definitely changing. This is an age of alternative lifestyle. We accept just about anything now as a personal choice. Live and let live. The standard of acceptability now is pretty straightforward: is anybody getting hurt?

The word "cult" simply means "to worship". In a religious context, "cult" has a negative connotation because it's instantly associated with images of Jonestown and Waco. However, when we talk about a group of people obsessed with a tv series or band (or extraterrestrials), we call it a cult without any concern but maybe a little chuckle. It is the destructive cults, though - where family members are alienated, homes are broken, and children are abused -that worry us.

I want to clarify right now - religion is not bad. It's actually wonderful! Most religions advocate peace, happiness, love, and hope. Spiritual people throughout history and around the globe have led the way in revolutionizing human rights and the betterment of society, health, opportunity, etc. The problems arise when religion gets into the wrong hands! Religion, manhandled and manipulated, can be a dangerous weapon when welded by someone power-crazed and cruel.

I've already said no matter the size, style, or creed, all cults share a few specific characteristics.

The No. 1 priority of a cult is to eliminate self. The less someone looks after his own self interests, the more he can focus on the desires of the cult leader. Now, this happens slowly and subtly, so that the victim gives herself away bit by bit without ever realizing she has little or none of herself left.

Obviously, the Evil Narcissistic Destroyer of All That Is Good (i.e. cult leader) has to be pretty talented because who ever goes around begging, "Could someone PLEASE help me deny all my self preservation instincts?!" Instead, the cult leader gains control over you by slowly convincing you that you cannot trust yourself, only the leader. By initially saturating you with love, forgiveness, healing, gifts, and promises, she instills in you love and admiration, turning you from isolated outcast to beloved member. By welding her warped sword of "truth" and offering stacks of proof for her doctrines and ideas, she changes you from doubtful sceptic (which is how we always start out) to trusting, obedient follower.

Once the cult leader has his hooks solidly in place, he can then use guilt trips, withdrawal of love (his and the group's), withdrawal of blessing and financing (somewhere along the way, he was able to convince you to leave your job and work for him), threats, anger, isolation, etc. to keep you constantly afraid of displeasing him. You're convinced when bad things happen it's because you've been rebellious against the cult leader and you're being punished - he now has mystical powers. You dare not cross him for fear of losing your family, friends, job, and possibly your life.

The cult leader will also keep you so busy with work (since he is your boss now, after all), church meetings (my church met up to 5 times a week, 2-3 hours each meeting), and stringent disciplines (like studying the doctrines hours a day) that you're just too darn tired and stressed out to think things through logically. He also convinces you that your family and friends have only caused you pain and don't really love you, so now you don't trust them anymore and you quickly cut those ties. Information and guidance from outside sources are discouraged. You move closer to the leader, possibly in a house he owns, so you can have more opportunities to learn from him. so on and so on.

This did not happen over night or in obvious ways. It seemed like it was the wisest choice, it was YOUR choice. It would help you be a better person, a better spouse and parent. It promised to help you out of a financial hole, a terrible depression, a bad marriage. It turned out differently than you thought.

Nobody ever joins a cult. We join a group that offers something we want/need.

Want to know the secret to wealth? I can tell you! Need a sense of purpose in your life? I can show you your purpose! Feeling a void in your heart? Let me help you fill it. Want to meet God? Let me introduce you.

These groups can look so AWSOME! The sense of community is amazing. They make you feel safe and loved. The members glow with joy and peacefulness. Their doctrines are taught with sincerity and conviction. Their arguements are thorough and can be very convincing. They provide answers to the toughest questions that haunt us deep within our hearts.

These groups can really seem to have it all, and we just want to have a little slice of that heaven.

If you're worried someone you know may be in a cult, here are a few things you can do:

1. LOVE them! This is the first and foremost way to help. Constantly criticizing and verbally hammering them about their group will only turn them away from you. Drop the subject and just love them.

2. Stay connected. Phone calls, letters, photos, & c. all help them remember that there is an outside world and there are people out there who love and care for them. Then, when they are ready to question, doubt, and leave the cult, they know they have somewhere to turn.

3. Study up. There are books, links, and authorities on the subject of cults that can help you understand what your friend/family member is going through and what you can do to help.

If this sounds all too familiar to you and you're getting that sneaky suspicion you might actually be in a cult, hang in there. There's always hope. Here are a few things you can do:

1. Stop pushing away the doubts and ignoring the questions in your heart. Give yourself the opportunity to dope them out. If the doubts are unjustified, then that will be made clear. But, give yourself the chance to figure it out - without the cult leader beside you or resonating in your head, just you.

2. Get more info. Read books, check out links, email and call leaders in the field. There are professionals who have devoted their lives to understanding manipulative relationships and helping people out of them.

4. Pray and have hope. You may be in a very dark and lonely valley, but God is with you and will help you out. An evil man saying, "In the name of the Lord!" has no connection to who God actually is. God is still good, even when people choose to do wrong.

Whether in the middle of the night or by confronting the leader face to face, there is a way out. Find help and support (it IS available) and take the step toward a new, free life.