Recognizing and breaking the Cycle of Abuse

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Although professionals may disagree on the titles and exactly what each phase looks like, the Cycle of Abuse remains largely the same ...

the main components being calm, tension, explosion and reconciliation ...

with a pattern that often starts out with longer periods of calm, and escalates toward longer periods of tension.

When the cycle is spinning out of control, the explosion may be a fatal one.

NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE



There are resources within reach.

Many agencies exist with the sole purpose of helping women (or men) and children out of abusive relationships.

BUT YOU MUST REACH OUT.

PHASE 1: CALM 

All is well. Everything looks normal on the outside.

This phase begins each new relationship, and usually lasts until the couple are living together or married, so that the likelihood of escaping the relationship is minimized.

The abuser is often charming, well-liked by people he or she meets, and close friends may not have a clue of how controlling or violent the person can become in a relationship.

Often called the "honeymoon" period.

This phase will be returned to over and over after Phase 4: Reconciliation, but in the majority of cases, it will not last.

PHASE 2: TENSION 

Things may still look normal on the outside, but all is not well.

You often feel as if you're walking on eggshells. Nothing you do is good enough. What was okay yesterday is not okay today.

You find yourself preoccupied with doing the "right" things, the ones that you believe will help you avoid the next (or first) explosion.

This is the phase where the abuser is most comfortable. His/her needs are being met, often enthusiastically, to placate and please and hopefully defer the threat of abuse.

But this phase cannot last. The stress level is high, and no one but the abuser can control what becomes that person's next trigger.

 

featured lens Why don't abused women just LEAVE?!

It is a common question, and a good one to consider: If a woman (or a man) is being abused by a loved one, why do they not just head for the door? Take a look at the cycle of abuse to understand why many women become entwined in the cycle and often...

PHASE 3: EXPLOSION 

Something -- or nothing -- causes the abuser to snap.

House wasn't clean enough.

You weren't home on time.

You didn't do something you weren't aware you were supposed to, or maybe just forgot.

Whatever the reason given, it is no excuse for the treatment received from the abuser.

Abuse does not have to be physical. In fact, many survivors of emotional or mental abuse consider it far more hurtful and lasting than any bruise or broken bone they may have received.

PHASE 4: RECONCILIATION 

"I'm sorry."

"I've never done that before."

"I'll never do it again."

"I didn't mean what I said."

"I'll get help."

The abuser will say and do anything to get back to Phase 1: Calm ... it keeps them in control.

a few helpful books 

If you don't have the means to buy these, you can often find them at your local library.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond
The Verbally Abusive Rela...
The Gift of Fear
The Gift of Fear
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Why Does He Do That?: Ins...
Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free
Surviving Domestic Violen...
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You
Controlling People: How t...

Abuse is abuse 

You'll find that most books and websites are written as if the male is always the abuser and the female is always the victim.

We know this is not true, but due to the number of reported cases of domestic violence being true to that stereotype, we sometimes use "she/her" when "he/his" would be just as appropriate.

No one deserves to be abused.

Comments 

Let me know what you think would improve this lens.

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  • Reply
    DougP DougP May 18, 2009 @ 6:33 am
    You asked for suggestions for improving the lens. The title is "Recognizing and breaking the Cycle of Abuse", but most of the space here is given to "recognition" , and not nearly enough to "breaking the cycle". Why not mention some advice from the helpful books that you link to?

    Otherwise, a great idea for a lens because it's such an important subject, five stars!
  • Reply
    Janusz Janusz Apr 8, 2009 @ 3:19 pm
    A well deserved Squid blessing :)
  • Reply
    saritajain86 saritajain86 Apr 4, 2009 @ 8:37 am
    You are right. No one deserves to be abused. This will help a lot...
  • Reply
    XP XP Oct 3, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
    Don't forget to check out the "debate" ... http://www.squidoo.com/leaveyourabuser
  • Reply
    XP XP Jul 19, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
    Thank you for sharing. I know it can seem embarrassing to admit to being in an abusive relationship, but that shame does not belong to you, but to the one who would strive to control and abuse you.

    Nothing like getting out and seeing the view from the other side. *claphands*
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Verbal Abuse Awareness 

This design, created by a woman who left an abusive relationship, is available on several different apparel and gift items that can be utilized for outreach and support. Proceeds benefit local battered women's shelters. More items available.
VAA Women's T-Shirt

VAA Women's T-Shirt

Verbal Abuse Awareness: Proceeds from the sale of items in this shop are donated to a local battered women's shelter. If you are being abused, there is help. Stop verbal, mental and emotional abuse!

Price: 24.09Buy Now

VAA Rectangle Magnet

VAA Rectangle Magnet

Verbal Abuse Awareness: Proceeds from the sale of items in this shop are donated to a local battered women's shelter. If you are being abused, there is help. Stop verbal, mental and emotional abuse!

Price: 5.09Buy Now

VAA Women's Raglan Hoodie

VAA Women's Raglan Hoodie

Verbal Abuse Awareness: Proceeds from the sale of items in this shop are donated to a local battered women's shelter. If you are being abused, there is help. Stop verbal, mental and emotional abuse!

Price: 47.49Buy Now

VAA Sticker (Rectangular)

VAA Sticker (Rectangular)

Verbal Abuse Awareness: Proceeds from the sale of items in this shop are donated to a local battered women's shelter. If you are being abused, there is help. Stop verbal, mental and emotional abuse!

Price: 4.59Buy Now

VAA Jr. Raglan

VAA Jr. Raglan

Verbal Abuse Awareness: Proceeds from the sale of items in this shop are donated to a local battered women's shelter. If you are being abused, there is help. Stop verbal, mental and emotional abuse!

Price: 29.69Buy Now

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