HILARIOUS HOLIDAY AILMENT 

Quantum Leaprosy: a disease that befalls those who take an exceedingly long jump to conclusions before looking at the consequences of living with their head in the clouds most of the time; an agonizing ailment for which there is no known cure.

Note: Secondary complications of this chronic illness include a strong desire to levitate over life's little problems, wearing lime green tights 24/7, and a compelling need to play leap-frog every four years on February 29th.

THE ALTERED AILMENTS CHALLENGE 

As William Osler once said: "To talk of diseases is a sort of Arabian Nights entertainment."

So without further ado, you're all invited to participate in the Altered Ailments Challenge, inspired by the weekly wordplay column appearing in Canada's newspaper, "The Globe & Mail".

Participants in the challenge must either add one letter to, or change one letter in, a disease or condition and then define the result.

The most entertaining entries will appear in the Dictionary of Daffy Diseases featured in this lens, and in it's sister site, Droll Dictionaries.

___________

Source: William Osler 1949-1919: Oliver Sacks the Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat (1875).

Note: Entries reprinted from "The Globe & Mail" contest organized by Warren C. Clements (October 27, 2007) and are credited below in parentheses.

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (A-D) 

Algoraphobia: fear of long-winded speeches expounding on the dire consequences of global warming. (Credit: Ken Harker, Bowmanville, Ontario)

Amengitis: obsession with having the last word. (Credit: K.C. Angus, Kemptville, Ontario)

Arthuritis: the delusion that one is a knight of the Round Table. (Credit: R.M. Baxter, Burlington, Ontario)

Big-Polar disorder: fear of large white bears. (Credit: Susan Cochrane, Toronto, Ontario)

Billious: misgivings about a husband's potential involvement in a possible Hillary presidency. (Credit: Ken Purvis, Toronto, Ontario)

Blabesiosis: a highly contagious infection spread by motor-mouths.

Burmitis: painful condition due to inflammation of the junta. (Credit: Paul Masson, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario)

Candidoasis: a communicable disease common among frisky hot tub enthusiasts.

Carnal Tunnel Syndrome: quick whoopie at the carnival midway. (Credit: Mareen Walker, Georgetown, Ontario)

Chat-Scratch Fever: known to cause obsessive compulsive pillow-talking.

Chicken Pux: fear of sitting too close to the ice at a hockey game. (Credit: Bill Kummer, Newmarket, Ontario)

Chilbrains: the ice-cream headache. (Credit: Cockeye MacDonald, Midland, Ontario)

Damnesia: you can't remember the offensive things you said. (Credit: Jay Shuck, Minneapolis, Minnesota)

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (E-H) 

Fearache: a pain caused by reading too many aritcles about climate change. (Credit: Juliet Simon, Victoria)

Gastrohenteritis: usually the consequence of consuming a willy whistle at a bachelorette party.

Germane Measles: They're relevant to something, but doctors don't know what. (Credit: Glen Acorn, Edmonton, Alberta)

Gluecoma: what makes your eyelids stick together in the morning. (Credit: Greg Rosseau, Windsor, Ontario)

High brood pressure: one parent is eager for more children; the other isn't. (Credit: Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, British Columbia)

Homestickness: an early symptom of agoraphobia. (Credit: Carolyn Tytler, St. Catherines, Ontario)

Hypnochondria: You are feeling sick. You are feeling ve-e-ery, ve-e-ery sick. (Credit: Cockeye MacDonald, Midland, Ontario)

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (I-L) 

Igoraphobia: crippling fear of assistants to mad scientists. (Credit: Alan Dextrase, Peterborough, Ontario)

Irritable Vowel Syndrome: You say tomayto and I say tomahto, and I'm right, dammit! (Credit: Nancy Senior, Saskatoon)

Jockjaw: inability to stop talking about hockey results.

Larryngitis: occurs when U.S. senators overexplain their airport washroom habits. (Credit: Martin Cristopher, Springside, Saskatchewan)

Lookworm: a parasitic pest over the age of 50 whose eyes are bigger than his head.

Lunchhausen's Syndrome: causes one to upchuck a midday meal in order to avoid having to pay for it.

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (M-P) 

Mad Sow Disease: a piggish personality disorder marked by unrealistic expectations of instant stardom, ability to throw frogs through the air with the greatest of ease, or else smothing them with unwanted kisses.

Mal de Mir: a queasy feeling in the stomach after having lived for almost a decade on an old Russian spacecraft without a burger and a real bath.

Mi-polar disorder: intense desire to drive one's flag into the Arctic Ocean floor. (Credit: Rick Farquhar, Kincardine, Ontario)

Mood Poisoning: caused by serotonin-depleting toxins released during front-page newspaper perusal.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. (Credit: Eric Mendelsohn, Toronto)

Panthrax: commonly known as "dish pan hands".

Pepsic ulcer: stressing over what the bartender really put in your rum and Coke. (Credit: Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)

Pi-Polar: going around in circles. (Credit: Joan Buckingham, Oshawa, Ontario)

Prignancy: bloating, nausea, and general discomfort brought on by spending nine months with a self-righteous person. (Paul Grudzien, Orillia, Ontario)

Punk-eye: detached retina resulting from too much time in the mosh pit. (Credit: Syd Lapan and Karen Roe, Comox, British Columbia)

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (Q-T) 

Rebella: disease prevalent in adolescents. (Credit: Hana and Annegret Wiemer, Halifax, Nova Scotia)

Shamburger Disease: causes uncontrollable and excessive flatulation when subjects consume too many patties made from vegetables, nuts, dairy, mushrooms, and textured vegetable protein.

Sherpes: a rash incurred when having sex on high mountains. (Credit: Stewart Fisher, Campbellville, Ontario)

Sinfluenza: can be controlled by issuing papal prescriptions.

Spox: a rare deformity of the ears, thought by some researchers to have alien origins. (Credit: Nigel Brachi, Edmonton)

Tackycardia: giving inappropriate cards for all occasions. (Credit: Carl Karstadt, Toronto, Ontario)

The Common Could: maybe you'll catch it, maybe you won't. (Credit Cameron Tiesma, Ottawa)

Tinsillitis: severe allergic reaction to Christmas commercial excess. (Credit: Patricia Edgar, North Vancouver, British Columbia)

Toonsillitis: synonymous with those who are sick to death of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Roadrunner.

THE DICTIONARY OF DAFFY DISEASES (U-Z) 

Whiplush: injury to the neck from falling off a bar stool. (Credit: Paul Davy, Parry Sound, Ontario)

Winkeye a treatable optical aberration commonly observed in singles bars. (Credit: John Bristow, London, Ontario)

Winsanity: a belief that one can live on the avails of gambling. (Credit: Michael Nozick, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

Yaundice: fatigue arising from a lack of interest. (Credit: Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario)

MISCELLANEOUS MEDICAL MIRTH & SILLY SCIENCE STUFF 

HIPPOCRITIS

Humor for medical professionals and rest for the weary mind.

PLACEBO JOURNAL

Idiopathic wit and wisdom.

MED MADNESS

Mirthful motivations for the medically-challenged.

STITCHES MAGAZINE

You'll be in stitches, especially if you bust a gut with the contents in this medical mirth magazine!

Q FEVER

Medical humor and satire website for healthcare professionals.

THE HUMOR PROJECT

Proving once again that laughing matters, especially if you're looking for a heal of a deal!

DAZZLING NEW DRUG NAMES

A very long list of doctor-recommended drugs you may have difficulty getting your hands on: "Cipromoxy", "Knowitol", or "Wheeze Ease".

THE JOURNAL OF IMPROBABLE RESEARCH

For those who've always wanted to know all about "Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects", learn more about "impotency drugs that can help hamsters recover from jet lag", plus "celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative - and spur people's interests in science, medicine and technology."

HELP FOR HYPOCHONDRIACS

If we're all going to die someday, why not choose from among the world's worst maladies (say something that's rare and hard to pronounce), and conveniently organized by symptoms (both real and imagined).

DUBIOUS DOCTORING 

Ways people can tell that this physician just isn't the right one for them, besides the "Dipploma" written in pig Latin hanging on the wall in the waiting room) that leaves one a tad nervous.

-- "His surgical gloves resemble those worn by a hockey goalie and his stethoscope is attached to a puck or an iPod." (The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity)

-- "Even the hypochondriacs won't go to him." (Marilyn Penner, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

-- "You peek into his autoclave, and discover he's using it to steam broccoli." (Charles Crockford, Waterloo, Ontario)

-- "The sign on the reception desk lists the day's choicaes for feature-length movies playing in waiting rooms 5, 6, and 7." (Michael Nozick, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

-- "He/she orders you to 'sit!', gives you a treat, and explains that a wet nose means you're healthy." (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, British Columbia)

-- "Diagnoses include coin-flipping." (Paul Davy, Parry Sound, Ontario)

FAUX POX POLL 

COCKAMAMMIE CURE-ALLS FOR CRONES 

Funny pharmaceuticals have their place in the world of Daffy Diseases befalling divas as you'll see from the latest list of cockammie cure-alls.

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck in a handbasket for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and moodiness by reminding you of how awful you were as a teenager and the reason why you can't wait until your own kids move out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
If taken in combination with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant that if taken prior to shopping, increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't?remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or how to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nattering or nagging him would, without opening your mouth.

MANGLED MEDICAL TERMS & OTHER MALAPROPOS STUFF 

RED NECK MEDICAL TERMS

You know you've run into a red neck when he tells you a "fibula" is a small lie, and an "enema" is not a friend!

BRITISH BUMPF NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY

What's the word for "a pizza that gets to your house faster than an ambulance"?

DROLL DICTIONARIES

For those who are bored with bedpans and dingbat diseases and prefer to leaf through the pages of droll dictionaries.

WEIRD WORDS

Are you sure you know what a "vomitory" is, not to mention other peculiar, potty, or politically-incorrect words in the English language?

MEDICAL MISPRONUNCIATIONS

Does the "Human Pavarotti Virus" affect the vocal chords?

MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS

For those who adore humorous misapplications of medical terms.

MOVEMENT TO MODIFY MISLEADING MEDICAL TERMS 

A little known international organization called The Society for the Elimination of Politically-Incorrect Sicknesses In Society (SEPSIS), whose membership consist of rigorous, self-righteous, and right-minded researchers, has been lobbying in vain governments and professional bodies to abolish all misleading medical terms that are cause for confusion among consumers of health care the world over.

These politically-correct pundits have singled out the most obscene, obtrusive, and pointedly obnoxious names given to existing diseases and disorders that are in need of immediate attention. They recommend either expunging the malicious-sounding maladies forever and ever from official medical dictionaries, or failing that, devoting the time, money, and resources necessary to codify and redefine these wayward if not wicked words once and for all.

The following represent a selective sample of glaringly naughty or noxious nosology known in the medical field:

BOOP - infers that this disease strikes only females with botox lips, big breast implants, and infinitessimal brains.

Bunyips - a patently potent reference to posterior pleasuring if ever there was one!

Cherry Red Spot Myoclonus Syndrome - a sexually-charged phrase suggesting that this disorder likely befalls men who are highly adept at using persuasive language to seduce women.

Coxsackie Virus - implies incorrectly that it is an intensely intimate infection common only to bed bugs.

Creeping Eruption - clearly a pejorative post-menopausal reference to a "vintage vixen volcano" (better known in fractured fairytales as the "Wicked Wench of the West").

Dandy-Walker Malformation - another attempt to single out well-dressed ladies from Shady Lane or redlight districts for stigmatization in society.

Flushing - undoubtedly a word that in some individuals may invoke violent toilet-training trauma and therefore should be avoided at all cost.

Happy Puppet Syndrome - a questionable if not confusing term suggesting that this malady can be traced to the fact that "it's not his nose that grows." (From "The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio".)

Kinky Hair Syndrome - a pejorative term referring to people who don't know how to use curling irons properly or chronologically-gifted females with blue hair.

Lazy Eye - definitely a blatant example of inappropriate lookist dating behavior, and a particularly insidious form of lookist discrimation!

Maple Syrup Urine Disease - frankly this has all the earmarks of a corporate plot to put the International House of Pancackes (IHOP) out of business not to mention malign the traditional annual springtime sugaring-off rituals performed by small Quebec farmers.

Pelvic Horn Syndrome - a not too subtle expression used to justify neo-primitive "wild man weekend gatherings" with chaotic consequences including everything from ritual drumming, chanting, and screaming to brazen beer guzzling.

Phantom Limb - this is the stuff of nightmares; clearly any reference to ghouls, ghosts, and ghastly geeks let alone their body parts should be limited, better yet, this term should be banned in order to keep the peace and ensure harmony in society, (given the fact that children are already deeply traumatized by the annual Halloween horrors).

SEPSIS also takes issue with the following deleterious diversity-challenged diseases and politically-incorrect poxes such as "African Sleeping Sickness", "Yellow Fever" and "German Measles". The Society also advocates on behalf of sport-minded souls who suffer from "Jock Itch" and "Swimmer's Itch" if not one too many "fractured funnybones"!

GRAB-BAG GOODIES FOR WHATEVER AILS YOU! 

For when you're feeling blue.

HAVE WE GOT A CURE FOR YOU! 

Selling sickness is big business around the world, especially if you're into dispensing disease-of-the-week solutions.

An alphabet soup of medical mirth awaits all those who pick up a copy of Alan Cassel's recent gem, "The ABCs of Disease Mongering: An Epidemic in 16 Letters".

What's not there to like about a book with oodles of funny pen-and-ink drawings portraying agitated looking characters knotted up by diseases, they may, or may not, have?

Who wouldn't enjoy a piece of outrageous puckery told in children's verse that illustrates why, for example, the annual flu vaccine campaign has gathered a momentum that for exceeds what scientific literature on its effectiveness would support?

"What to do? What to do?
Winter's here and so's the flu!
Everyone across the land,
just like our friend Ferdinand,
will roll up their sleeves and get in line
and pay for shots to keep them fine.
Nobody wants the chills and aches,
or the dreaded bird flu, so do what it takes.
The flu-mongers say, 'It'll be a bad year,
get your shot in the arm, so you won't have to fear.'
Of course, there's small proof the shot does the trick.
Despite all the hassle, you could still get sick."

-from the The ABCs of Disease Mongering

Do they really have drugs for premature ejaculation (letter W for "Wee Willy"), for facial wrinkles (letter V) or yellow toenails (letter Y)?

Besides, who can resist the lure of a good sales pitch? But all those germs, they're enough to make one anxious, (thankfully relief is just a pill away):

"Xena's taking Xanax, to help with her anxiety-
it comes up lots in company, and often in society.
But as much as she would like to feel that certain sweet relief,
the more she takes the more she finds, it gives her way more grief.
See, all those drugs like Xena's pill-benzos, they are called-
can slowly lose their magic, until they're all but stalled.
But Xena keeps on taking them, because, as we predicted,
she and all her aging friends seem totally addicted."

-from The ABCs of Disease Mongering

Let's face it, perusing the pages of this book is a good deal more fun the flipping through that mirthless monograph entitled, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders's.

So, lighten up, flex your funnybone or two, because have we got an obscure disease for you ...for which our pharmaceuticals can treat if not cure you too...(unless of course, you're one of those cyberchondriacs who thinks he has every internet illness in the book)!

IRRITATING OR IRREVERENT ILLNESSES 

SPONTANEOUS DENTAL HYDROPLOSION

If you can't pronounce this tongue-twister, it's not surprising because it's one of corporate America's favorite fake diseases!

THE THACKERY T. LAMBSHEAD POCKET GUIDE TO ECCENTRIC & DISCREDITED DISEASES

The inside story behind what might have been called "The Buckwaldo Mudthumper Guide to Eccentric Diseases", or heaven forbid, "The Mad Quail Disease".

DAFFY DISEASES WITH NO DEFINITION

A rather delightful daffy disease name generator, you however must provide your own definition...for creative curists only!

DR. UNHEIMLICH'S DISEASE REGISTRY

Where if you can't achieve immortality by not dying, you can at least achieve it by dying of something original; (a delightful disease generator for those who know their body parts and at least can name a person, place or a thing).

CHRISTMAS CURABLES 

CLAUStrophobia: sheer panic associated with the fear of being eaten alive by a man in a white beard wearing a red suit and a pair of big black hobnailed boots running around yelling "Ho Ho Ho" at the top of his lungs not to mention demanding that people inform him whether they've been naughty or nice for the past year. Note: May also be precipitated by the sight of 4,000 Santas galavanting down the streets of London in the name of charity.

Tinselitis a seasonal disease prevalent among toddlers and house pets who consume one too many Christmas tree decorations for their own good.

Keith Hopcroft, (a general practitioner from Britain), also reports the following common Christmas ailments:

Insistent Vegetable State: The mindset of one's mother-in-law, who is deterimined to force those dreaded Brussels sprouts down one's throat.

Premistletoe Tension: The anxiety one feels when one is obliged to walk under the mistletoe close by someone one is either desperate to kiss or desperate not to.

Post-Traumatic Post Disorder: The last postal delivery before Christmas brings a card from a long-lost friend, and the realization, to one's horror, that one hasn't reciprocated.

Repetitive Straying Injury: Trauma suffered by males who repeatedly leave their partner's side and position themselves under the misletoe. The end result is a pain in the groin caused by the knee of one's afronted partner.

MEDICAL MIRTH FOR MALIGNANT MERRY-MAKERS 

Medically Speaking: A Dictionary of Quotations on Dentistry, Medicine and Nursing

by C.C. Gaither, Alma E Cavazos-Gaither

Full of wit for those without wisdom teeth!

Amazon Price: $29.99 (as of 05/09/2008)

From Voodoo to Viagra: The Magic of Medicine

by Oscar London

Amusing antidotes to real life!

Amazon Price: $10.17 (as of 05/09/2008)

The Alarming History of Medicine: Amusing Anecdotes from Hippocrates to Heart Transplants

by Richard Gordon

Good Lord, you mean some treatments are utterly useless?

Amazon Price: $11.21 (as of 05/09/2008)

Doctor Who: The Completely Unofficial Encyclopedia

by Chris Howarth, Steve Lyons

Ripsnorting reading material for the throne room.

Amazon Price: $11.51 (as of 05/09/2008)

A Cabinet of Medical Curiosities

by Jan Bondeson

The latest addition to the Oddball Odditorium.

Amazon Price: $10.85 (as of 05/09/2008)

BATTY BOOKMARKS FOR HILARIOUS HEALTH-NUTS 

DAFFY DISEASE DICTIONARY CONTRIBUTIONS INVITED 

Feel free to leave your own delightful definitions of mirthful maladies, the more the merrier!