Funny Rant About Growing Up

I came straight out of the womb stressed out. From conception to birth as an embryo you have no idea of whats going on. In my case my mother was three months into her pregnancy with me when she got a knock on her door at three o clock in the morning; There were two men in military uniforms that had travelled by car 5 hours to get there; As my mom stood there half asleep they gave her the news that my father was killed earlier in the evening by a drunk driver; He was only 23 years old and a seargent in the army stationed in Fort Hood Texas; The very same time Elvis Presley was there. The only father I have ever know is a stack of old pictures taken while he was in the military.

I have done quite a bit of research on the subject wondering if trauma in the womb might be the reason I was real shy and withdrawn when I was just a kid; I cannot begin to imagine being 20 years old, beautiful, in love and pregnant with your high school sweethearts only child and all of the sudden eveything you have ever wanted and dreamed about is suddenly gone in the blink of an eye; What does a embryo go through in the womb when something like that happens?; Well It is very simple, I went through the same emotions that my mother did.

I had a terrible time remembering things in grade school and was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. The teachers would tell me something and twenty seconds later I couldnt remember what they said.; It seemed during class my mind was stuck in the clouds as if I didnt hear a thing that was going on around me.

I often ponder my purpose in life and why I am here in the first place. The actual moment of conception only takes a split second. What if my father would have walked in the door ten minutes later than he did the night I was conceived and my parents had sex ten minutes later? What if they had watched a movie and their time of amor had come hours later? Would I still be here? Would I have been a girl name Jane wearing dresses and playing with barbie dolls? It sounds absolutely rediculious to think that way, but on the otherhand it is very intriguing. The strange thing is everyone in exhistance walking the planet could have been something other than what they are now with a small hormonal imbalance or a split second change in decision in plans.

I cant believe I had to go through the disco era. What I cant believe even more is I actually had a good time. I almost regret stealing all of those funny gawdy photos of me my mother had in high heel mens platform shoes with white pants and psychadelic swirly silk shirts. Its a shame at the time I didnt have an appreciation for them and set them ablaze. Now from a comedy standpoint I wish I had them back but that will never happen. I actually know Spencer Gibb, son of Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees who basically created mainstream disco. Spencer has his own band here in Austin named 54 seconds. He scoots around the streets of Austin in his dads old convertible mercedes benz. Real cool character.

There is not many of you out there that can honestly say you danced to songs named the disco duck and disco inferno. Oh yes I did and I am glad you werent there to see it. Even though some forms of disco supposedly started in New York earlier in the 70's It seemed disco just came out of nowhere and people went crazy over it when the 1977 movie Saturday Night Fever starring John Travolta with the Bee Gees soundtrack brought disco to the forefront overnight.

I cant say I hate disco. Its just one of those things where you had to be there. Unfortunately I was. It was really funny to watch some of those people trying to dance like John Travolta did in the movie. They were probably thinking the same thing about me.

So Please, Dont Tell Me Your Problems, I Had To Go Through Disco

The younger generation might not be familiar with what I am talking about so I will clue you in. Back in the 70's when I was in my early teens sometimes the mosquito's in our neighborhood were really bad. Abundant and overwhelming might be better words to descibe it. We had a lot of creeks and low lying areas that collected water after it rained. An oasis for mosquitos to breed. So to try and rid the neighborhood of some of these pesky insects city maintenance workers would send out the mosquito fogger truck. You could hear its loud rumbling pumps attached to the back of the truck from blocks away. The once empty streets were suddenly full of a bunch of kids anticipating this special fun moment.

If you looked between the houses you could see the grey clouds on the streets that were previously sprayed. It would linger for quite some time.
It was a great time for all of the kids on the block running behind this truck that sprayed this big thick grey cloud that seem to last forever. It was so thick sometimes you would accidentally run into a car parked on the street that you didnt see. Trip over a friend running by your side.

Looking back, I remember the skull and crossbones and the bright yellow triangular poison signs on the big metal barrels in the back of the truck. I also remember a sign on the tailgate that read Caution: Do Not Run Behind The Truck. We were kids and none of that really mattered to us. At the time we had no idea we were running down the street in a cloud of poison gas that was destroying our mental capacity and our respiratory system. Regulations and the knowledge of what long term effects that harsh chemicals can due to humans was lacking to say the least.

I sometimes wonder if it is one of the many reasons why I have short term memory and forget to finish things, but I dont think it had that much of an effect on me because I still

If you have'nt ever owned a record player and a record collection you missed an important part of music history. The record player was also called a phonograph, gramaphone and in more modern times a turntable. The record player spans back to the late 1800's and died out in the mid to late 80's after cd's came onto the scene. For those of you who like facts the first phonograph was created by Thomas Edison in 1877.

My grandparents bought me my first record player when I was 12 or 13 years old. It was a compact mono phonograph system with one speaker. Lucky for me they also bought my first ever record. It was The Partridge Family, the one with all of them sticking their faces out of the side windows of this flower power hippy type bus on the album cover. If you have no idea who The Partridge Family are, they had a popular show on tv starring singer David Cassidy and the rest of the group all living in a big house together in the 70's. Yes I admit it, I watched the show. And yes it was pretty cheesy lookin back. My second record album was The Osmonds.

Well before you know it thanks to advancements in technology I had my very own stereo system along with a turntable. Of course you also had to have an amp to power the turntable and if you wanted radio you also had to have an AM/FM tuner, and of course two speakers. Well I had it all. I also had my first job and my very first apartment. Before you know it all of my unemployed broke lazy moocher friends I have known all of my life were over constantly. What did I get myself into? I learned really fast that it was hard to keep your equipment and record collection in good shape with people wrestling around falling on your stereo, getting drunk and puking on your records. Sometimes they would even fly my albums into the swimming pool as you would a frisbee.

I lived a second floor apartment and my stereo was on a table way too close to the route to the bathroom. Unfortunately the apartment was so small and with a strange layout it was the only place it could go. It seemed like everytime some heavy footed friend of mine went to the bathroom the album would skip a line or two in the song. Sometimes depending on the size of the person or how drunk and stoned they were the record might skip two or three songs. And there were times it would skip all the way into the center of the record onto the label along with a horrible sound. With people stomping around Sweet Home Alabama might sound like Sweet ama due to scratches, or the needle jumping around.

Besides skipping part of the song you just knew your record had a brand new scratch added to the numerous others. You could always tell on every album what the most played songs were. The particular track would be a lot lighter in color than the others. Sometimes the track would almost be white or at least look white considering most albums are black, especially If you didnt buy a new turntable needle on a regular basis like me. As the needle becomes more dull and blunt it digs into those small fine grooves it has to travel through and creates a lot of extra added wear and tear on your record album. To prevent that all you have to do is buy a new needle periodically but at the time they were considered to be expensive. The more you used your phonograph, the more often you would have to replace the turntable needle. Those little diamonds the tips were made of didnt seem to last very long, especially with a bunch of roughnecks hanging around.

Records for some reason never seem to make it back into their covers and if they did ZZ Top might be in the Led Zeppelin cover and vice versa. I had a stack of records and a stack of record covers. It seemed they preferred the middle of the floor in high traffic areas for some strange reason. From my friends point of view the album covers made great coasters and tv dinner trays. Some even served as an easy place to write phone numbers and notes on. Oh yeah and you had the freelance album artist who didnt think the original picture of Bob Dylan or any others looked good enough. Before you know it they would have an Adolph Hitler mustache, wearing a pair of sunglasses that were'nt their before or have a joint ablaze hanging from their lips.

It seems like such a hassle to own a record player and to have all of those albums that took up so much space. You have to worry about them getting scratched constantly. Today we have cd's that are small and mp3 players the size of cigarette lighters that hold thousands of songs. Even so the days of spinning records on the turntable were some of the most memorable and best times of my life. I am so glad the turntable and my record collection of a thousand albums or more played such an important part in my life as a music listener. I love modern technology but I also have an apprecaition in my heart for things that were made in earlier times.

Ran Behind The Toxic Chemical Mosquito Sprayer Truck

Stuck Metal Butter Knives In Electric Outlets

Played With The Mercury In Old Tubes The TV Repairman Left Behind

Opened The Sears Catalog To Look At The Women Modeling Bras

Saw Sonny And Cher For His Very First Concert

Ran With Sharp Scissors And Steak Knives

Stuck Marbles Up His Nose And Couldnt Get Them Out Without Parental Help

Tried To Spend Monopoly Game Money At The Store To Buy Candy

Knawed On The Germ Infested Grocery Cart Handles

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