Date Of Sobriety, 02/02/2002

I consider 12 step work to be a matter of style.

What I do today may have nothing to do with what I do
tomorrow to help another co-dependent, alcoholic or anyone
else, for that matter.

Recently, I pulled up in front of a popular bar in my home
town, when one of my old friends stumbled out. He came over
to my car and said: "I can't believe I started drinking again.
I quit for 2 1/2 years, and then I went to Ireland, and haven't
been able to stop ever since."

He had that look that all untreated alcoholics have of not being
able to control the drinking and blowing one day after another,
and days melt into weeks and years and if we don't watch it, an
entire lifetime is gone, and we did not bother to get sober.

Ever since I've been in recovery, I can psyche out which of my
patients are in need of a recovery referral. I am not in denial
about whether a patient needs help. I know I am in a better position
to help everyone, now, whether it is addiction related, or not,
because I'm no longer burned out and feel a greater ability to
give of my healing powers with a loving intent.

12 step work is what is done with everyone I meet today, no matter
if it's just a smile with kindness in my heart, or an upward
look to the beautiful sky, to say thank you.

Resentment Itself

Resentments kill, so says Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Bill W. made the simple realization that resentments are the downfall of all alcoholics, and I daresay, all human beings.

Resentments are an immediate red flag that a person is sinking to "dry drunk" status, no matter if that person ever had a drink in their entire lives, or not.

The many different types of resentments are infinite, for instance, a knee jerk resentment, as when a car cuts in front of you, or a thought you just can't let go of goes rolling round and round in your head, replaying the tape of a past injustice.

Or when a patient tells me a wrong committed to her and I find myself rising up in indignation, as if that's going to save the day.

The spiritual practice here is to be conscious of any and all resentments, ask for help from the unseen forces, imploring them (angels and guides) to remove these blocks that resentments represent.

The twelve steps of AA, especially steps 4 through 9, are especially meant to liberate consciousness of any more tendencies toward rancor or malice. The negative emotions either gradually or dramatically fall away, if we are sincere and honest.

An AA old-timer one time told me that all fear, resentments, regrets and self-pity vanish the moment we get down on one knee, or two, if we are able, asking for divine help.

Perhaps this down- on -your- knees -position is necessary many times a day, or every single moment all day long!!

Yet the old-timer said that the negatives vanish quickly and we can then get on with the business of living and let living.

As Bill W. emphasized, resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From the pits of resentments stem all spiritual disease. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we are healed both mentally and physically.

We deal with resentments by setting them to paper. We list persons, institutions or principles with whom we are angry. We ask ourselves why we are angry. According to Bill W., self-esteem, the pocketbook, ambitions, personal relationships (including sex) are hurt or threatened.

The list may look something like this:

I'm resentful at: The Cause: Affects:

Mr. Jones He ripped me off My pocketbook

and so on.

We go back through our lives with complete honesty and a thorough self-appraisal.

How did I contribute to what I am blaming someone else for?

What part did I play?

All resentments boil down to fear.

So we then place all of our fears on paper, even if no resentment is affiliated with the fear.

And give these over to the higher power, however you choose to see this power.

This power is infinite as compared to our finite selves.

As we review our conduct over every year of our lives, we ask: How have I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?

And since I am evaluating the part I played in all of this, I ask: How was I at fault?

What could I have done differently?

Am I truly sorry for what I have done? Because herein lies the key.

If I am sorry, and allow my higher power to take me to higher realms of giving and living, then forgiveness is the likely outcome for all concerned.

If I refuse to be sorry, then my conduct will continue to harm the people in my life as well as myself.

The choice is in the giving, the living and let living.

One Day At A Time.

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Thanks to Bill Wilson for giving us the spiritual principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Anger Itself

Strong emotions such as anger are dangerous to repress. Heart disease and cancer are the by products of such repression, among other things.

But over the years I've noticed that people who express their anger are control freaks and are toxic in the ways they choose to express themselves.

The afflictive emotions such as anger, jealousy, hatred envy, unwarranted pride, seething resentments are emotional red flags suggesting that the problem lies within.

"It is a spiritual axiom that when ever we are disturbed, there is something wrong with us." Step 10 in the 12/12, an AA recovery book. Restraint of tongue and pen and cleaning the wreckage from our past are the instructions given by Bill W(ilson).

I was reminded yesterday of two resident doctors who held everyone hostage by their constant put downs and expressions of anger.

These women were sorry souls.

I complained to the administrative powers about the behavior of these women. In my opinion at the time, no one was doing them any favors by allowing them to act in ways that consistently alienated everyone in their emotionally toxic pathways.

Emotional intelligence can be taught.

But administration was afraid of these women. Nurses were afraid of them. Sometimes I gleefully fantasized telling them where to go, but knew enough to show restraint of pen and tongue.

We must learn to cultivate the antidotes to afflictive emotions as they arise. The most powerful antidote to any and all of these toxic emotions is to open the heart and allow compassion for a person--and all people everywhere, to take root and become habitual action.

And the moment we feel these emotions such as anger, a habit of giving it to the Higher Power for transformation may be one of the most powerful antidotes we can practice.

The Higher Power gives us the needed love and compassion as soon as we seek out this kind of unseen help.

We must learn to meditatively cultivate the antidotes to anger such as patience and forbearance.

If you are facing the vile behavior of another person, and you experience an open heart of compassion towards that person, you may notice at the same time that the deplorable behavior is not what is tolerated, only the person.

This distinction, transforming anger towards a person and at the same time having a powerful desire to stop the vile behavior, are two simultaneously human emotions that when practiced together, prevents a person's patience from plummeting into an apathetic and depressive state.

In the latest political campaign, the press is attempting to write off John Edwards, Democratic Presidential hopeful, as an angry man.

John Edwards typifies the difference between anger, a purely afflictive emotion, and moral outrage.

I believe that Edwards displays what I will call compassionate wrath, a forceful kind of compassion that may look like anger to the untrained knee jerking pundits, but in reality doesn't have the violence and destruction associated with it.

I expect a candidate to have moral outrage about the problems that face our country.

And I'd be worried if I didn't experience moral outrage, as well.

No longer can we afford the luxury of a negative thought, nor can the world. The discipline required to work on myself is a necessity.

The alternative never was attractive and becomes less so as the days go on.

And as soon as I realize that the unseen helpers: the higher guides, angels and Higher Power are here at all times, then anger and fear and all the afflictive emotions are rendered powerless.

And freedom is the magnificent result!!

Fear Itself

We've all heard this before: Fear is the opposite of love and faith. Fear is a good indicator that we're not living in the present moment and we've forgotten to seek out solitude.

I had a friend once who was driven to get rid of fear in his and his familie's life to such an extent that he took his family up in a private plane, ignoring the pleas of his 8 year old daughter not to go, and crashed into the side of a mountain in Northern California.

They were instantly killed.

We were doing river rafting trips together down the Klamath River. This was his summer business and I worked with and for him.

He was consumed by the need to get rid of all fear. I could not grasp this concept nor get into his enthusiasm for this goal. And when all 4 of these wonderful people met an untimely death, I began to see fear as a teacher in life. It exists in all of our lives for a reason.

The elimination of inner fear is worthy of our focus. I believe my friend became confused about what kind of fear could or could not be dealt with by self-will or god/ess will.

Resistance to life is the #1 fear I am working on, for instance. I am a night person and resist getting out of bed every single day.

I go to a conference every Wednesday morning. High ranking doctors and residents attend these. I always perceive them to be arrogant and unfriendly.

So I resist going there, but go, anyway.

I began to figure out that if I get rid of the resistance, and embrace what is and make peace of mind my only goal in life, then there will be a break through with all this resistance.

Today, I actively concentrated on the antidote to fear--Love and Enthusiasm for the new day. I got out of bed, did my meditation and duties with an inner sense of optimism.

I got to the conference and authentically felt good natured towards every one there. I smiled. One of the doctors who never seemed to like me, greeted me like a long lost comrade.

I sat next to the department head of OB/Gyn and greeted her as a dear friend.

I purposely beamed love to everyone in the room. When a negative or judgmental thought arose about anyone there, I immediately relinquished this to god/ess.

"The love (god/christ/buddha/krishna/allah) within me blesses that which is within you."

Another fear antidote is the practice of Ho'oponopono. The simplicity of it makes it very easy to remember. The phrases: I love you, Thank you, Please forgive me and I am sorry are inwardly chanted at all times.

Drs Len and Vitale, co-authors of "Zero Limits" about Ho'oponopono as a spiritual practice, have simplified the practice even further to the one phrase: I love you.

However, I also always say thank you because of the power of gratitude, also a fear busting agent.

I cannot explain how this works, only that it does. Inwardly chanting these phrases in whatever order (or no order) cures insomnia, anxiety, fear, depression and feelings of alienation.

Simple practices such as Ho'oponopono bring peace to the birth and death beds as well as the sick bed. When the nurse or healer is calm then everything around her is at peace.

Ho'oponopono is a tool to use at all times, as mentioned, but in times of conflict, miscommunication or emergency, this practice serves a great purpose. The practice may even prevent further trauma, chaos or death.

Or if death is inevitable, a peaceful death will manifest.

This practice or the spiritual practice of your choice creates happy and balanced days. Every moment is an opportunity for spiritual growth.

As long as I align my center of focus on Love, fear and resistance vanishes.

After my friend and his family perished in the airplane crash, I wrote stories about my friendship with him. I wrote letters to him explaining how much I loved him and his beautiful family.

One day soon after I wrote my story, my niece and I pulled up next to a car at a red light.

The driver of that car looked over at us. It looked just like our friend.

He smiled broadly and looked happy and other worldly. We both saw an illuminated quality around his head.

Then he took off as he waved a goodbye.

My niece and I said: "Did you see that?"

We compared notes and we both saw him the same way--as a fearless and illuminated light being.

So we both were able to let him go.

We knew that his own death finally conquered the fear he was resisting.

We also were fearless about death, as a result.

Grief Itself

My friend John died on Sunday.

Today is Wednesday.

As I allow my mind to travel over the many years of our friendship, I remember vividly the first moment I saw John: at his mother's funeral. My parents, who have since passed, were close to John's parents, who have also passed.

I remember my mother whispering in my ear, There is John, Alberta's son.

His daughter and wife Elizabeth were standing closely by.

We were all Unitarian Universalist and we attended the funeral in the church I was raised in.

Sun light streamed through the beautiful stain glass depicting the holy saints of every religion known to human kind. A prism-like effect seemed to cast a purple aura on the family, as they stood forlornly in their shared grief.

The last supper was open in the back of the church for the occasion.

John was also raised Unitarian.

I remember all the conversations we had about what it was like to be a Unitarian from birth to that present moment.

Do we think differently, do we believe in God, are we more open minded about every world religion?

I remember the church undergoing turmoil when a beloved minister was ousted by the board. John investigated the inequities of the situation and as the drama unfolded, reliably kept us informed and supported the man faithfully.

Yet there was nothing we could do to keep the minister.

This caused sadness that John would often discuss over the years, causing him to leave the Unitarian Church.

John and Elizabeth are renown musicians. They performed their beautiful music locally, nationally and internationally, John with his Cello, Elizabeth her Piano.

They were both child prodigys. They played music together with soul and passion: classical, sometimes jazz and modern.

The first time John and Elizabeth divorced, they remarried under our Willow Tree which also happened to be the anniversary of my marriage to Tom.

It was a cloudless August day with great hope and promise of new lives, new potential for us all.

Tom and I, Elizabeth's daughter Bonnie, my dad, who was still strong and fully functioning, David Gramp, the minister, and Ipswitch, our tiny calico cat who paraded back and forth, displaying her approval and need to be included in an event that was lovely and harmonious--were all in attendance.

Hansel the Ram and Nettle his faithful companion, kept a safe distance.

The ceremony was performed by the mighty Conestoga River that runs courageously by the old Willow Tree that stands there still.

Within the past year, Elizabeth and John divorced again, this time with no reconciliation.

John died of a broken heart while Elizabeth went on to fully embrace her friends, her daughter and her grandson.

She was at peace.

She loved John but could not live with him.

But when the month of March revealed that John was deteriorating rapidly and died minutes after Elizabeth told him she loved and forgave him, the grief and gifts of the situation struck all of us who knew them both, in the light of the returning sun.