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What Counseling Clients Ask Me

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A Counselor Responds to Frequent Client Questions

Dear Counselor thinks out loud about questions my counseling clients frequently ask me. To be sure, there are more ways than one to answer the questions below.

We are often caught up in "fixing" our selves or someone else. Or, somebody tries to "fix" us. Really, it doesn't work very well. But if a behavior, habit, or the way you think is keeping you from what you need and want, its helpful to learn new ways of thinking and doing. A good counselor or mentor will help you acquire "options," meaning, you no longer have to do things one way as you have in the past. With more understanding and better skills life, and especially relationships, become easier and more enjoyable.

This lens is not intended to be a substitute for therapy or counseling. I've shared my professional thoughts on a few things but I assure you I don't know everything.

Self Esteem

Dear Counselor,

No matter how hard I try I can't feel good about myself. Any thoughts?

Molly

DEAR MOLLY,

You are the cream of the crop
the cherry on top!

I wish I felt that way today. Sometimes, like now, I feel more like the chaff of the wheat or the last drop of melted ice cream in a sundae left to harden at the bottom of the glass. But how I feel is my personal "feelings reality." Feelings can be uncomfortable and they feel absolutely true yet the truth is what you decide to believe about yourself. I believe that I'm as deserving of affection and respect as any other incredibly wonderful schmuck on the planet, and so are you.

No one can decide how you see yourself except you. Relying on the positive assessments of others, while it feels good, is temporary. We all need something more reliable and always at hand. When a negative assessment comes along you can ride your unpredictable waves of feeling if you have an anchor of self respect. Or call it self love or self like or "I'm OK."

It takes courage to rely on the "I'm mostly awesome" anchor because you are cutting lines of dependency to the goodwill of others which have seemed like life-lines. They are really lines that hold us back - keep us tied to shore. The anchor of self respect can be raised when the sailing is smooth (or smooth-ish) and lowered when seas are rough.

Be Your Own Anchor

Listening

Dear Counselor,
I'm always trying to help people but I seem to push them away. I don't get it.
Paul

DEAR PAUL,

It takes love to listen to someone without giving advice or admonishment. It doesn't always feel loving to listen with your mouth closed. Sometimes we are so sure we''re right we turn into a judge with a hammer. "Here comes the judge!"

Judges think they're helping, fixing or saving the other person but what they communicate is more like, "It doesn't matter what you think or feel, you're wrong." Sometimes they pound into a person the idea that they can't and shouldn't think for themselves.

There's nothing wrong with giving someone a recommendation or suggestion, if they ask for it, "This is what I think, or this is what I would do . . ."

example:
JILL: My car is low on oil and smells hot. I'm going to just drive it to the repair shop. I can make it, don't you think?
JOAN: If it were me, because its already smelling hot, I'd call a tow truck. (Now Joan might be thinking "duh - you never drive an over heated car" and she might be dying to say it, but that would not be helpful to Jill.)

Often, when someone is telling you "what happened" to them, or "how they feel" they just want to be heard. Period. They are not looking for a critique or solution. "Helpful" words sometimes hurt.

"The first duty of love is to listen." ~ Paul Tillich ~

This Time I'll Just Listen. I Promise!

Self Acceptance

Dear Counselor,

People always say "love yourself." How can I love what I don't even like?

Terry

DEAR TERRY,

If I could zap each everyone with a magic wand, I would grant self-acceptance. Its hard to have good relationships, move toward goals, or enjoy just sittin' around with beer and chips if you're always thinking how horrible you are.

Self-acceptance is NOT:

* liking everything about yourself
* a result of being good, or right
* settling or giving-up on yourself

Self-acceptance IS:

* acknowledging things about yourself you like and don't like
* a choice that acknowledges your life, as it is, is what you have to work with
* letting go of self judgment to focus on living the life you're stuck with

Yes, your life is stuck on you. That's a good thing since we repeatedly throw the enjoyment of it away by grousing about ourselves. Self-acceptance is a spring board to whatever it is you want to do or create. You don't have to earn it. Just accept.

Consider yourself ZZZZAPPED! You deserve it.

Grant Yourself Self-Acceptance

Emotions

Dear Counselor,

I'm always getting into trouble because I get angry and say whatever is on my mind. I hate emotions.

Leonard

DEAR LEONARD,

Emotions are a universal language. It has been amply documented that sad looks the same in Chicago as in Brazil, or China. Individuals will always have their own perspectives within different cultures, but emotions provide humanity with a
common ground.

As an individual, when you honor your feelings and effectively express them, you are rightfully taking up space in the world and having your share of influence. It is like flying personal colors, or planting a flag that says, "I am here and I matter, whether anyone likes it or not!"

So, emotions are a universal language and means of personal expression. This is a wonderful thing. Emotions only get ugly when used as a weapon against others or yourself. Emotions are information, not a knife or a wet wool blanket.

Emotions Are A Universal Language

Listen to Yourself

by journaling . . .

Soul Catcher: A Journal to Help You Become Who You Really Are

by: Kathy Eldon, Amy Eldon

Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 05/31/2012)

A journal and a guide to exploring dreams, aspirations, and emotions, Soul Catcher invites you to ask questions, seek answers, and listen to your own guiding spirit as you make the choices that shape your life. It allows you to envision the future as you create it through your actions in the present. Beautifully illustrated, this journal has a spiral, lay-flat binding that makes it easy to write in whenever and wherever you feel inspired. (amazon)

Have Your Say . . .

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Respect

Dear Counselor,

I love my boyfriend but after being with him I always feel awful, kind of torn down.

Jessica

DEAR JESSICA,

Showing respect is a way of demonstrating love.

If someone said he or she loved me but consistently treated me with disrespect, I am actually their handy scapegoat. Chances are that person doesn't care much about him or her self, or they're holding in anger, hurt or shame which always find a way to spill out onto someone else - often as disrespect.

If you find yourself treating a family member, spouse or close friend with frequent disregard, just know that there is help. You can learn to become OK with yourself, and learn effective ways of expressing the feelings usually locked inside or tossed like grenades.

If someone is treating you disrespectfully on a regular basis, even if they apologize before dissing you again, they will never change that behavior unless they decide to. Couples counseling is very effective when both parties are willing.

Good Relationships Are Built On Respect

Relationships

Dear Counselor,

What makes a relationship work?

Brian

DEAR BRIAN,

Good relationships are not a mystery. In good relationships people are kind to one another. They are polite and helpful to each other most of the time and forgiving of one another the rest of the time. If we can't be kind to a significant other its usually because we expect them to complete us, or mend our childhood wounds. They can't. And when they don't, out of frustration, we begin picking at them and the relationship starts to crumble.

In good relationships people are gentle, playful and sincere with each other as a rule, and that makes it possible for them to ride out any storm. Don't settle for less.

Good Relationships Need Kindness

Guilt

Dear Counselor,

I always feel guilty no matter what I do or don't do.

Rose

DEAR ROSE,

I think the most destructive mental and emotional problem is guilt. People feel guilty because they were born bad, because they believe they do everything wrong, or because they're not accomplishing what they should. Regardless of the reason, existential guilt (I'm guilty because I am) benefits no one. Yet, millions of people are addicted to it.

I have two words anyone can say if they notice they are feeling guilty for taking up space in the world: guilt schmilt! Take away the power guilt has over you by talking back to it: " guilt schmilt." This is not scientifically proven to work (imagine that) but for at least a moment, when you say the two words, you are standing up for yourself. That can become a habit, too.

"Guilt Schmilt"

Good Reading

The Four Agreements, when practiced, minimize or eliminate most of the problems preventing people from living their best life.
1. Be true to your word
2. Don't assume anything
3. Always do your best
4. Don't take things personally

What I Want

Dear Counselor,

My girlfriend is always cleaning my apartment. I just want her to talk to me and do fun things together.

Tom

DEAR TOM,

Even people that love you dearly may not intuit, mind read, or guess what you want or need from them. If you expect something, or want something from someone you need to tell them. Especially with a spouse or significant other, its important to let them know your expectations.

Its fun to have someone "know" what our own needs or wants are and spontaneously fulfill them for us. But if you count on others being telepathic you will be disappointed time and again when you do not get what you want. It won't be because the other person does not care about you; they just can't read your mind.

This Camel May Read Minds But Most People Can't

Mornings

Dear Counselor,

Mornings are so hard for me. Its hard to even get out of bed sometimes.

Erin

DEAR ERIN,

What we think when we first wake up in the morning affects the rest of the day. I have no research to back it up, but I have experimented enough with the idea to find validity. The biggest problem I have is remembering, when I first wake up, to think about things considered positive. Quite often I open my eyes and think, "I'm too tired to get up" or "Ugh, its only Wednesday," or "There's so much crap on my desk I don't even want to face it.

If I catch myself before announcing my day of fatigue and drudge, I can substitute with any positively oriented thought, song or image. My favorite is, "Good things happen to me everyday." That sentence was suggested in an article I read somewhere by someone. Seems to be a very powerful little sentence.

[Coffee lovers: I've also found the smell of coffee invites me to get out of bed. If you like coffee, get a pot with a timer that can brew before you need to get up.]

Let Your First Thought Of The Day Be Beautiful

An Interview with a Mental Health Counselor

Eye Opening and Funny

MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR HELPS CHANGE LIVES: An interview with a mental health counselor that explains her work in a community mental health center. Written with empathy and humor.

Squidoo

What Counseling Clients Ask Me

A Counselor Responds to Frequent Client Questions

Contents at a Glance

Contents at a Glance

Self Esteem

Listening

Self Acceptance

Emotions

Listen to Yourself

by journaling . . .

Soul Catcher: A Journal to Help You Become Who You Really Are

Have Your Say . . .

Thanks for voting! Now invite your friends to vote.

Respect

Relationships

Guilt

Good Reading

What I Want

Mornings

An Interview with a Mental Health Counselor

Eye Opening and Funny

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