Depression And Suicide

Depression

Depression is almost indescribable for those of you that have suffered from it.

There are many different levels of depression and I believe each person experiences it in their own way.

I am just typing these symptoms from the top of my head since I've read hundreds of sites about depression and have the knowledge and the life experience in my head.

Take a look at this list and see if you relate to these symptoms.

1. Loss of interest in things you used to love
   
2. Increase or loss of appetite
   
3. Increase or loss of weight
   
4. Fatigue
   
5. Feelings of Hopelessness
   
6. Pessimistic outlook on life
   
7. Changes in sleep patterns
   (either sleeping more and never wanting to get up or having insomnia)
   
8. Increase or loss of Sex Drive
   (I think most of the time there is a loss of Sex Drive unless you become really needy or self destructive)
   
9. Isolation from family and friends
   
10. Thoughts of suicide or self harm
    


Etc. Etc. Etc. I will add more on soon

Today March 24, 2008 there is a person who is professing to kill his/herself today the day after Easter. I "stumbled" upon this posting on Revolution Health and it is sooooo sad.

" I am going to kill myself on March 24, 2008. I am sorry to my family and I am going to wait till after easter. I thank all the people who tried to help me I was just a hopeless case. As for the rest of the world please get help before you reach this point. Problems never just go away. ~S.H.
Posted 14 days ago in Depression by Anonymous

Please pray for this person to help her change her mind. (I think it's a woman) I want to donate proceeds to a Depression/Suicide Foundation but I couldn't see one listed here.

As of Today...April 1, 2008 I haven't heard any news on this woman but hopefully she is alright.

Well, it's 2AM and I can't sleep. What a surprise!
Many people who suffer from depression,ADD,Bipolar Disorder or any kind of Mental Health problems are often up in the middle of the night and may never get back to sleep.(That is my cat peanut to the right she has her paw upward under her chin as if she is pondering deep thoughts.)

The good thing about this is...it's a great time to be alone with one's thoughts and a great time to create. Whether it be writing or jewelry making in my case (although the beads are a bit noisy in the middle of the night!)

It's the only time nobody is bothering me and asking me for something for I am a full time SAHM. Ahhh!
What a nice feeling.

Bare with me for I wanted this lens to be organized and informative but I have so many things to talk about that sometimes I just like to free journal and get out whats in my head.

It is that magic hour that they sing about in all of the pop songs. It's 2AM and...

There are many sites out there with definitions of what depression and other mental health disorders are about but I really hope that through this lens I can help others with depression relate to what I'm saying and possibly help their families try to empathize with them.(ROS) I got a lot of "Run on Sentences" on my papers in school.

So...while my ADD is kicking in...I am going to look at about 100 other different sites on various topics.

Please come back soon.

April 14, 2008

Ok this is sad...and I was sick to my stomach a bit earlier.

I wanted to tell you that about an hour ago I got some sad news that a close friend of my in-laws and someone that I know...has tried to kill herself and it is not the first time. I have tried to explain to them that she is really mentally ill and is BiPolar but they don't quite get it. Her doctor said she has a "severe mood disorder" but they never really labeled it. Of course this doctor is not American and neither is this person so I can't really communicate well with either of them to find out if she is really BiPolar.

She called the house and I answered the phone. She was crying telling me she was in the hospital and wanted "Tia" but I told her that she was on the way to the hospital for they had found out from her lawyer calling her.

She had just got a job and got fired because of her behavior which was manic and she could not slow down enough to learn the job correctly.

Anyway, she is a single mom without a job, her son lives with her husband anyway so she just has no will to live.

But...if she took her medication regularly or if she was on the right medication this wouldn't have happened.

I warned my in-laws that one day she will probably try to kill herself but they didn't realize how serious it was. I think she is alright and hopefully they will hospitalize her for a while and get her on the correct medication.

THIS IS REAL PEOPLE! PLEASE LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY THAT THEY MIGHT TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES!!! For they will especially if you say "Go ahead and kill yourself then!" Not that they said that but never say that!

Here is an article I found on About.com about Red Flag warning signs that someone is at risk of committing suicide.

Please read this and help someone before it is too late!

SUICIDE RED FLAG WARNINGS

by Kimberly Read

It is estimated nearly thirty percent of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lives. The suicide rate is twenty times that of the general population (Citrome & Goldberg, 2005). The Centers for Disease Control report that in the year 2002, suicide was the eighth ranked cause of death in the United States. It was the third leading cause of death for those ages 10-24 and the second leading cause for ages 25-34.

The Samaritans, a non-profit organization that provides confidential emotional support for people in crisis, estimate that more than 100,000 people attempt suicide each year in the United Kingdom. Of these attempts, 7,000 will succeed in taking their lives.

So, the subject of suicide is not something we can ignore. Each of us needs to know the warnings signs, the red flags, of despair, so we may be prepared to help a friend in crisis, prepared to see the cry for help from a loved one, prepared to seek help when our own resources for coping have worn thin.

I have organized these red flags into broad categories of symptoms for easier reference.

How to Prevent Suicide

Situational Indicators
Loss of a Relationship Via Rejection or Separation
Death of a Loved One
Diagnosis of a Terminal Illness
Loss of Financial Security
A Change in Physical Appearance
Loss of Employment/A New Job
Loss of Self-Esteem
Abuse


Emotional Indicators
Depression
Hopelessness
Helplessness
A Sudden Lift Of Depression!
It is a well-known fact that as a person begins to climb from depression the possibility of a suicide attempt increases. There are two thoughts as to why this happens. The first is that when a person makes up their mind to take their own life, they become more at peace with the situation. They feel more in control and thus the depression begins to lighten. The second idea is that as lethargy lifts, a person finds the energy to carry out suicidal plans made while incapacitated. Regardless of the reason, however, this is a very critical time.

Behavioral Indicators
Acquiring a Weapon
Hoarding Medication
Putting Affairs in Order
Making or Changing a Will
Increased Interest in Suicide
Giving Away Personal Belongings
Mending Grievances
Checking on Insurance Policy
Withdrawing from People

Verbal Indicators
Straightforward Comments:
"I wish I were dead"
"I wish I had the nerve to kill myself."
"I wish I could die in my sleep."
"If it weren't for my kids, my husband ... I would commit suicide."

Hints:
"I hate life."
"Why do I bother?"
"I can't take it anymore."
"Nothing matters anymore."

Note that these signs are not proof positive that someone is considering suicide. Any number of these signs may be evident, but the person has given little or no thought to taking their own life. The reverse is also true. A person may give no warning of an impending suicide attempt. So how do you know for sure? Ask. Yes, ask! Be open to discussing this difficult subject with your loved one. It could save a life.

April 15,2008

(That's Charlotte Martin over there in the upper right corner who is a great singer/songwriter I'll talk about in this post)

I decided to take my laptop with me and write at Starbucks after I dropped my darling boy off at Pre-School.

So, I got my Iced Venti non-fat mocha logged in and started writing and this is what came out.

Many people don't know the severity of depressive disorders because most of the people walk around with smiles on their faces.
People with mental disorders are the best at doing this!
They have probably had many years of practice. Do you know why?
Because nobody really wants to hear your problems nor can they even imagine what you are going through.
So we just put on a smile and become "comfortably numb" as Pink Floyd stated. We go about our lives not knowing why we are doing anything but just hoping that we can get through the day the hour the minute We may do whatever it takes. That may be eating chocolate, shopping, being impulsive just doing anything to make us feel the least bit alive and not feel pain until we can finally put our heads on our pillow and live a happier lives in our dream world.

This is a subtle thing and not only really depressed people do this but many people in our society are grasping for happiness somewhere and they don't know where to go for it. They buy a new car, a new big screen TV, a bigger house...but nothing seems to fill them.
Now...add a depressive disorder on top of that and you have a big recipe for disaster! Then the bills come and more depression and stress sets in but still that doesn't stop us. Whatever we need to get that "fix" that helps us get through those painful, frustrating, restless feelings of wanting to jump out of your own skin but you can't get out of it!

It's like you're trying to get out of your skin but it keeps on twisting as you try to get out and you get tangled and held down and you just want to stop the struggle and wish that your body would just explode and you JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

I'm not sure if I really described that as I would really like to but it's close.

I used to describe my life as just treading water and never getting anywhere but through to the next day.

A great female singer/songwriter Charlotte Martin described it in even a better way in one of her songs with her lyrics "I'm treading water with no hands." When I heard that... it really struck me and I thought "God I can really relate to that!"
You're in the water and you just need to keep your head above the water by flapping your hands and feet but you have no hands so there's no use! It's not going to work!


I felt like I was barely making it through every day and it felt like doing the impossible just to accomplish that! I'm sure it didn't look that way to many but it looked and felt that way to me. It was just horrible and thank God...it has gotten better!

Another one of her songs that I listened to that described me to a "T" at one of my lowest points was "Parade On." The lyrics are:

"Parade On" Sample on Amazon

Her hands are in the air again
Stripped of pride
She was waiting for a sign to be let in
She tried to stop a train for him
Without shoes
And he was so amused, amused

She needs a reason to parade on
She needs a new road to pave
She needs a reason to parade on
It's wearing her outsides thin
There's someone there to save

You wonder why she gives and gives
Till it burns
And there is nothing he can give her in return
She'll live and die by make-believe
Her frozen heart
Well he can't wait around while she gets blown apart

She needs a reason to parade on
She needs a new road to pave
She needs a reason to parade on
It's wearing her outsides thin
There's someone there to save

The distance won't know which way you should go
'Cause we are not built so we can float
We are what we are
But that seems so far
Parting the Red Sea is easier, easier

It's time to introduce herself
She's dethroned
Like some lonesome dusty book upon his shelf

She needs a reason to parade on
She needs a new road to pave
She needs a reason to parade on
It's wearing her outsides thin
There's someone there to save, oh
And there's nothing I can say

And there's nothing I can say

I just needed a reason to parade on but even with a husband and two children I found it hard to find one.

I felt total pain and frustration on a daily basis and I just didn't know what to do anymore.

And when you are deep in a depression...there is nothing you or anyone can do. But...I do have a story that I will tell soon about how I am being lifted out of my depression.

When you have a Mental Health problem...feeling overwhelmed is a big part of ones's frustration.

You wake up and already you are worry about what you have to get accomplished today and how you are going to find the time, energy and mental alertness to coordinate it all.

You really don't want to do any of it! But you have to pretend that it is all important to you and just do it anyway. I know most of you feel like it may be easier just not to exist than to tackle the tedious chores that have to happen every day that you feel have no meaning. Believe me...I know.

But...to get through the day just set some small goals for yourself and if you do them...you will at least feel a sense of accomplishment and believe it or not...it may make you feel better!

The best thing to do is to write a list to get everything out of your head. Sometimes I write the "This is everything on My Mind List."
This usually ends up being at least three large pages.

Then I write my "What I have to do Today List"


My husband laughs at me when he sees my lists but I make them very specific so that every little thing is something accomplished.

So...I guess I'll show you an example but writing my own list here for today.(Mind you I am a SAHM with two children and one is home sick today so they are both home. I have to set minimal goals today so I won't get frustrated that I'm not getting anything done.)

"To Do April 18, 2008"

1.Wake up(that's a given)
2.Feed the children and myself-COFFEE!!!!
3.Tend to whatever the children's needs are at any moment.(Funny...my son just walked in and said "Can you get me milky and help me draw and animal?") So now I am interrupted from my "To Do" list but I'll be back.

Well...It's three hours later and I still haven't gotten back to my "To Do" list but I have done many many things for my children. I guess that's a good thing but the way I feel today...it's that time of month...I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep.

I will return...when and if allowed.

1. Just snap out of it!
2. What do you have to be depressed about?
3. You're just lazy!
4. There's nothing wrong with you.
5. Just try to think positively.
6. You should be so happy with all that you've got!
7. Do you know what it's like having to deal with you?
8. You'll never be happy!
9. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
10. It's all in your head!

Have you ever heard any of these?

Obviously people that say these to you have never been depressed or they would realize that these comments will just make you feel worse and get more depressed.

Please feel free to sign in and share other statements that you don't like hearing when you are in a depressed state.

BiPolar Disorder is one of the many Depressive Disorders that affects over 2 million Americans!

How many are actually treated or undiagnosed is unknown.

There really could be 6 million people or more suffering from this disorder.

What is BiPolar Disorder?
Basically it is a mood disorder with extreme mood swings going from very happy, elated and euphoric to sad,despondent and severly depressed leading to suicide.

There are a few different types of Bipolar:

1.Bipolar I
Bipolar I is the most commonly known type that is categorized by recurent episodes of alternating mania and depression. The time between these episodes could be a week or a few months it all depends on the person.

2.Bipolar II
People who have bipolar II(as I possibly do) experience more depression than mania but do have spurts now and then where they have hypomanic episodes.

3.Rapid Cycling Bipolar
Rapid Cycling Bipolar is similar to Bipolar I and II but the mood swings happen more frequently over the period of a year. It has been studied that they will experience at least four episodes of depression, mania or a mix of both with a 12 month period.

This is just a basic introduction to Bipolar but what I would really like to write about is how to recognize when the different cycles are beginning and ending and the importance of tracking your moods.

Isn't it strange how some days you can feel on top of the world...and then the next day or the next hour you can feel like there is no purpose for existing?

Very scary isn't it? Those who have experienced this know what it's like.

My only advice in getting through this horrible feeling is to try to get some sleep if you can...if not...eat chocolate, call someone who will sympathize or empathize with you, get some exercise, do something you enjoy unless you are so depressed that you don't enjoy anything. It's hard to believe that these feelings will pass but eventually they will especially if you're riding on the BiPolar Roller Coaster! Just hold on tight!

If anyone is having a hard time with their life and is depressed. Please feel free to leave comments or email me with your story and maybe I will post it on my lens!

I may put my story up soon so that I can help others in knowing they are not alone.

If you think depression is bad...add a little PMS on top and you're really in the pits! You feel more fatigued, crampy, grumpy, negative, fat and bloated and you just want to take some Advil and crawl into bed for the day!

But...you can't! You have to go to work or you have two children tugging at you saying "Mommy!I want to go out to play...and it's 7:30AM!

It's going to be a long day!!!!!

Here are my tips on how to get through the day

1. Before you get up...Cry to God..."Please help me get through this day...somehow...please?"
   
2. Eat something(chocolate if that's what you really need)
   
3. Take your medication and your favorite cramp killer
   
4. Pray a little bit more-even if you don't believe!
   
5. For me...I've already done ten things for my children in between but...TAKE A NICE SHOWER
   
6. Get dressed in something you can disguished unbuttoned pants under.
   
7. Go to work or stay home with your children like me...AHHH!
   
8. Try to keep yourself busy or get something accomplished to make yourself feel better.
   
9. Get outside at lunchtime and get some exercise and fresh air.
   
10. Talk to people...this will take your mind off of the pain.
    
11. Take more pain killers
    
12. Eat lot's of chocolate
    
13. Eat lot's of salty things like potato chips
    
14. Give into your cravings...just for today or a week!
    
15. Just do something that will make you feel better
    
16. See if someone else can pick up the slack for you a little bit that day...make dinner...order out.
    
17. If at home with your children...tell them you'll give them ten dollars if they will lay down and take a nap with you.
    
18. If at work...and you have a female boss...tell her you are in excruciating pain and maybe she'll let you go home. If he's a man...forget about it!
    
    Ok so I started off seriously but added a little bit of humor to it. I guess that helps too if you can muster up the energy.
    
    Just know that it will pass and in a week you may feel better and you'll be back up on your feet and rearing to go. LOL!
    
    

I feel absolutely great today because I have been singing which is my greatest passion! In the past I had many bad experiences in trying to pursue my singing passion and now I have been singing at my Church in the "Worship Band."

Now, maybe my new found faith is making me feel better.

Who can tell?

Cymbalta?
Clonopin?
Adderall?

Mania?
Singing?

or...Jesus?

Whatever it is...I'm happy!

Just wanted to share that with you!

To tell you the truth...I have forgotten to write in my lens about Depression because I really haven't been depressed! It's amazing. For all of those you haven't found the right medication or therapy...there is hope.

For me...since I have been on Cymbalta...I have had good results although I have felt more aggression and anger.

Since I am supposedly diagnosed with Bipolar I, Inattentive ADD and Severe Clinical Depression...I am on three medications:

1.Cymbalta-Depression
2.Adderall-Inattentive ADD
3.Clonazepan-Bipolar

Now I'm wondering if I need Cymbalta because I don't feel that depressed or if I need it because it is actually working.

I'm curious as to why I am experiencing more rage and anger but not depression.

Could it be that I am being medicated for disorders I don't have?

I'm not sure...this is what I'd like to know.

If anyone has any insight or would like to share their stories about their depression and recovery...please do so.

I'm happy...I hope you have a happy day too!

I just found this great tool online that helps people suffering from depression and Bipolar disorder track there moods so that they can anticipate when they will be manic or depressed. This will help you and your loved ones understand your moods and when you may be feeling a certain way.

I just started using this and it's really neat.
Check it out!
www.moodtracker.com

Tracking your moods is a great way to intercept before depression sets in and try to do something to offset it.

My friends return home

Our family friend that attempted suicide returned home from the hospital recently and to their discovery...part of her problems were caused from her thyroids. They put her on thyroid medication along with some other anti-depressants and xanax and she seems to be much better!

I had heard that a persons thyroids could play a part in depression and I will have to research this a bit further.

Now...we will just have to check up on her every day or so to see if she's taking her meds and to see how she's feeling. She's been known to go off of her medication so we have to remind her not to. I'm sure she is BiPolar also but did the Hyperthyroidism cause this? Who knows? Who knows how long she has had that problem.

I guess what matters is that she is feeling better!
I pray for her and hope that she has found the right mixture of medicine and knows that we love her and will be there for her.

I feel very elated recently and sometimes I wonder myself if I really have depression anymore.

As I was thinking this...I looked at my lens and read this part that I put in my own lens although this was news to me before too.

This is one of the RED FLAGS for SUICIDE!
A Sudden Lift Of Depression!
It is a well-known fact that as a person begins to climb from depression the possibility of a suicide attempt increases. There are two thoughts as to why this happens. The first is that when a person makes up their mind to take their own life, they become more at peace with the situation. They feel more in control and thus the depression begins to lighten. The second idea is that as lethargy lifts, a person finds the energy to carry out suicidal plans made while incapacitated. Regardless of the reason, however, this is a very critical time.

Now...I'm not suicidal...not even close...but...there have been many times and years in my life where I thought it would be much easier not to exist than to deal with the pain inside.

So I've been tracking my moods on www.moodtracker.com which is very interesting just to see if certain things correlate with my happiness and my depression.

After I have two months worth of data I will be able to see a pattern more clearly.

I must say that since I have been going back to church after 20 or so years...I am starting to feel a joy that I never have.

Please check out my lens about the church I attend
LifeSong Church

Now...I was so far from "religious" before and even dabbled in New Age philosophies,Psychics,Paganism...but I always believed in God and talked to him in my head on a daily basis.

So if I think I am being spiritually healed from my depression does that make me crazy?

When I had depression before I was labeled as having "cyclothymia" which means you are never in an elated state. You either have severe depression or somewhat of a normal state that's not really happy or sad...kind of blah...numb...apathetic.

So now that I wake up happy and even really happy I have to ask myself "Am I really Bipolar or am I going through a Spiritual Transformation?"

It's a catch 22 for supposedly Bipolar people think that they are having these spiritual awakenings when in their Manic states. Some people like my Grandfather's brother actually thought he was "Jesus Christ" and wouldn't shave or cut his hair nor did he have mirrors in his house to see his image. Hmmmm...ok...that sounds a bit crazy and genetically it could pass down to me but...I'm still confused.

I also have Inattentive ADD so if this lens is scattered please excuse me. I am just writing as If I'm talking to someone in the room.

Well...something to ponder. If anybody has any insight please leave some comments and let me know.
Be my therapist for a day.

I went to church today and heard the most wonderful testimony. This man shared how he suffered with a mental illness so badly that he didn't want to leave his house. He was a guinea pig with all of the Doctors with trying this medication and that medication and nothing seemed to work. I believe he was in and out of hospitals for a while.

One day he just started crying and praying to God to help him for it was beyond him or anyone else. Nobody could seem to help him and he just begged God to lift the depression from him. This is before he was going to church. Little by little he started to feel better, he started going to my church and now he is not on any medication and it seems as if his mental illness is gone! It's a miracle really!

I feel as if this may be happening to me also but I'm still on medication so I can't tell but since I'm doing well...I don't want to go off of my medication. If I feel that I feel strange when I'm taking my medication then...maybe I will slowly wean off of it and see what's left there!

I just thought I'd share that with everyone! There is hope!

It was a beautiful day out today but I still felt down. Not one apparent reason but I just have so much to do but my priorities are my children and so I take care of them first and then do what I have to.

Sometimes I never get to do what I have to and just end up frustrated. The only reason I am getting to write this and this is therapeutic...is that my whole household is asleep and it's the only quiet thing that I can do at this time.

It's 10:40 PM and I hope it won't be another Insomnia night. It does help to write in this lens and hopefully someone will gain some help from it.

If you are having a bad day...just hold on...don't freak out...it will pass. Believe me...I've been through it thousands of times. It's painful and I see why people attempt suicide for it would be easier than dealing with the constant anxiety, frustration and crazy thoughts flying around in your head. But...that is not the answer! Don't ever kill yourself for these days are the days that are just tests to see how strong you are.

So when the crazy thoughts come just tell yourself that you are going to take over and control your day. Even if you have to make an hour by hour list.
Just try to be productive or if you can relax and do something comforting and the feelings should subside.

Hold on to the bar for the crazy Bi-Polar ride is starting! No getting off so just hold on tight!

Goodnight
Jennifer

If I am indeed Bi-Polar which they believe I am...I believe I am going through Mania now.

One day ago I was a wreck! I was crying,felt anxious,overwhelmed, out of control...just like my life was falling apart.

Today I woke up happy, energetic and ready to get things accomplished. I love this state I am in!
I've been mopping floors, decluttering,paying bills and I'm dressed and ready to go do some errands.
Now...I must be careful not to spend too much money for I am in an elated state. But I am aware of this so sometimes I will just go into the store and get only what I need and get out...I have great restraint in this way which makes me believe I'm not Bi-Polar. My doctor said that if I was extremely Bi-Polar I would not be able to control my spending and at the time I wouldn't care about it or think about the consequences.

So...I guess I'm more in control than I think.

But you or a loved one may not be so if they do overspend don't freak out too much. Just make sure they keep their receipts and maybe you can help them return some things.

Well...off to Target...we'll see how successful I am at not spending too much!

Have a Wonderful Day!

I am not an expert on this subject but have had a few people in my life who have attempted suicide.

Many people from what I can gather commit suicide because the pain that they feel on a daily basis far outways the pleasure they have in their life.
In fact...they may have no pleasure at all.

They just want to find a way to shut out these horrible feelings and find a way to get through the day...the hour...the minute.

Because they don't have support,therapy or medication. They don't see any other solution.

I will expand on this later and add my own personal viewpoint on it. I have never attempted suicide but have definitely felt that existing was very painful and it would be easier not to.

Saturday I talked about Mania and I did control my spending in the stores.

I am proud of myself! Yeah!

I am a bargain shopper anyway.

Today I am a bit scattered of course I have ADD also and I can't find my new medicine I went out to buy Saturday. Just another frustrating example of brain disorders! My Mother in Law must have read my mind for she took my 3 year old son with her to the store so I could have a little break and find my medicine.

Therefore...I must go and find it before he returns.
I never get a break...this is so nice. Of course there are a hundred different things I want to do right now while nobody is home but I must focus and find my adderall so I can focus!Ironic isn't it?

Ciao for now.
Crazy Momma

Has anyone ever lost their medication or had to wait for a doctor to refill your prescription and went cold turkey for a few days?

It can be scary and it makes you realize how much you depend on your medication to feel normal. I mostly am affected by not having my Adderall because I just felt like I had a huge cloud in my brain and I couldn't do anything that took a lot of intellect.

I turned my room upside down looking for it and just about an hour ago thought to look in my car glove compartment. Voila!...it was there! I remember now that I took it after I went to the pharmacy but didn't want to take three bulky red containers in my bag with me where I was going.

Phew...now I can have a real conversation with my husband. I was tripping over my words and couldn't recall any words when I was trying to talk like..."memory disc." Instead I have to describe it like this "You know the thing that you put in the camera in order to take pictures.?"

Well...It was theraputic to go through everything in my room and I found my sunglasses, my daughters Nintendo DSS, some of her earrings, markers that I
bought and couldn't find. So...I guess losing my medication was a good thing after all but...I'm glad I have it back.

Now I may be up all night long...but I can catch up on the last two brain dead days and possibly write on a few of my other abandoned lenses.

Well, we have been living with my in-laws for the last year and it hasn't been that bad really.

What's stressful is going back to the house we didn't sell and we haven't done much to change things for it is an hour away from where we are now and gas prices are just crazy!!!!

So...I will be insanely stressed for a while until we settle some things and figure out how we are going to move back, fix things and paint while the kids are home for the summer and I am really going to be going insane!!

I feel like I have had less and less time to do anything lately yet I haven't really accomplished anything. It's very frustrating. Only that my son is napping right now can I type this but in an hour his sister will be home and they will be fighting for my attention and fighting with each other.

AHHHH!

Well...at least I bought some "Ring Dings" not good for the summer body but good for the stressed and depressed brain.

Ciao for now.
Jennifer

July 31, 2008

I just bought this audiobook and listened to it during the night time. That's right...I'm in Mania mode right now and I may have been up all night or at least half of it!

This book was so smoothly written that even a woman like myself with Inattentive ADD had no problem keeping up with it. It kept me intrigued and wanting to hear more!

She has a much more extreme case of Bipolar than I do but I could relate to a lot of the book and could see myself getting to the points that she reached...well...maybe if I didn't have children.
That stops me from doing a lot of impulsive things.

I have felt really crazy lately and have a hard time even explaining it to my husband. I just tell him to ignore what I say for the rest of the day for it won't make sense and I just count the minutes until the children go to bed so I can crash and rest my brain from the craziness in my head.

Anyway...check this book out! It's in the top of my Amazon Plexo.

Have a great evening!

August 4, 2008
After having a few good days I was thinking to myself see...It's not so bad. I can manage being home with two children on summer vacation even if they fight all day long!

But...yesterday was not a good day! I would have done anything just to be all alone with myself and my thoughts. Of course, I have been tracking my moods and this is no surprise since I'm pre-menstrual. People with mood disorders are really affected during this time. I wish I was allowed to just have a week off during that time. What a dreamer I am!

Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to get through the day but somehow I do...only because I have to.

Like right now both of my children are talking to me at the same time and I am answering them in between typing but I just wish that I had 10 minutes straight of silence so that I could just meditate on my thoughts and write them down.

This is how a person with my mental state thinks and feels.
Of course I am Bipolar and have inattentive ADD and depression so it's just insane.

Ok here I go.
I feel like I just want to go back to bed. My eyes are droopy for I took my clonopin this morning so that I wouldn't be raging when my children start fighting and whining and driving me crazy. My head is very fuzzy this morning and I wish that I didn't have to answer anyone's questions or get anyone milk or worry about their moods and what they want. I just want to be alone and let my day unfold peacefully. I know this sounds selfish but sometimes I need to be selfish in order to feel alright. The problem is that I never get to be totally alone.

In September that will change but my son only goes to pre-school part time two days a week but...I'll take that over no time alone.

Sometimes I feel like it would be much easier to just be alone for I'm happy when I'm alone and although I love my family...it is a painful experience on a daily basis for me to deal with the craziness in my head and their behaviors, needs, complaints,their need for my constant attention.

Like right now since I'm typing they are starting to fight for if I try to do anything that doesn't include them they start to cause trouble and I get more frustrated because I have to stop what I'm doing, deal with their drama and then it takes me a while to get back into what I was doing or I don't go back to doing it at all. This leaves me little time to relax my mind or get my chores accomplished and the lack of those two things really makes me feel helpless, hopeless and frustrated.

So...sometimes I resort to paying all of my attention to them and don't get anything done(like every day.) They are happy but I end up being frustrated and feel bad about myself for not being able to do it all.

For a long time I would wake up and couldn't wait for it to be night time so that I could sleep but didn't want to go to sleep because then I would have to wake up to yet another frustrating day.

I know I am blessed to stay home with my children but I'm not so sure it's good for my mental health or theirs. It seems as if my agitation level is coming more quickly and is getting worse.

I need to come up with some time of plan to help us all get through the day without too much emotional exhaustion for I already don't have much energy as it is.

Am I selfish? I just feel like I need some time to take care of myself. I feel as if every part of my life is out of control and I'm just living in survival mode. Whatever it takes to get through the day is my plan of attack. That makes me very anxious for I think I need more structure so that I can give my children more structure but I struggle with creating structure for my moods are unpredictable and so are my childrens.

School will be a good thing for all of us! Typing this has made me feel better.

It's only 8:35 AM and we've been up for two hours...my children already look bored and I better think of something for us to do soon or they will start acting out. Getting out of the house helps except for the fact that they will beg me for things if we go to a store and although I have been much better at saying "No" it is so exhausting for me that I'd rather not take them out at all.

That's just a glimpse into my thought process and I haven't even finished my coffee today!

Have a nice day.
Feel free to email me with your experiences and I can post them up on my lens.
Jennifer

So...let me paint you a picture.
July 4th we moved back into our old house that didn't sell and we had been living with my in-laws for the past year hoping to sell more quickly.

The week we move back in my husband had to go away on a business trip for a week.

He came back and went away for three more days.

Boxes are all around me, the normal things needed to get through the day are nowhere to be found so I'm searching as my children are whining for things.

My mother did come up a few weekends after that to help me get my walls painted that were suppose to be painted before we moved in etc. etc. etc.

Then two weeks ago we get a new puppy which I have to learn how to train. An extra baby...just what I need.
It was my husbands dream to have a dog for a while and the kids were excited so I hesitantly agreed to it.

So...my kids are fighting, the dog needs to go out, the kids are screaming "Mommy" and having meltdowns, my son gets angry at me and hits me and goes into a rage and I feel rage flush over me.

I call my husband and say "Isn't life suppose to be fun sometimes, I don't enjoy life it just seems painful to me" As I'm crying hysterically. He said "Are you alright?" I said "Not really but I'll get through it"

A half an hour later he was home. I hugged him and thanked him for I was cracking up. He is finally starting to understand how serious my moodswings and my crazy overwhelming feelings. At that moment I feel like jumping out of my skin but I can't and I can't get away from the situation. Recently I have been feeling a lot of rage and just a feeling of wanting to give up because everything around me agitates me and is frustrating.

Sometimes I think that maybe just having some alone time would eliminate these episodes.

We will soon find out for my daughter is in school and next week I will actually have two days a week with about 4 hours alone...well...with the puppy that needs to be taken care of.

But...even then I will feel overwhelmed at the millions of things that I should do, could do, want to do and feel obligated to do. I must find a good mixture of discipline with some time for me to write and do things that are theraputic to my soul.

Since my hard drive died I am using another computer that doesn't have my pictures on it.

Soon I will be vamping up my lenses with pictures.

So...if you live with someone who suffers from depression or is Bipolar...please take extra stress causing factors into consideration and help your mate or your friend out during those times.

Have a nice day!
You are not alone

I went to my psychiatrist the other day and told her how I had been feeling for the last two weeks.
Here was my list.
Agitated
Frustrated
Fleeting thoughts in my head
Really bad memory problems
Foggy mind
Easily Angered
Fatigued
Lack of Motivation

So...I am now trying the famous "Abilify"
We'll see how it works.
So far I feel tired and a bit loopy.

I think I just want to wean off all of the drugs, exercise, eat right and go the holistic route.

Sometimes I feel like these drugs are making me crazy!
Anyone else feel that way?
Let me know what your experiences have

There is actually a Bipolar Awareness Day which is today!

Yay! A day for crazy people like me!

I think it's great that people are bing made aware of it and I think I may actually start a separate lens just about BiPolar Disorder.

Come take a look at my other lens about Inattentive ADD and see how it affects a person as depression does.

Inattentive ADD has been updated!