Tips For Healthy Living

Stress is an individual reaction. A person's reaction to an event can either be positive stress (feel all pumped up) or negative stress (unable to think or concentrate). Stress can be fantastic or fatal. It all depends on you.

Olympic records are not set on quiet practice tracks but with the stress of competition in front of a large crowd. As you probably know from your family, the most efficient work by a student comes often with the stress of a deadline for a term paper or a major exam. Many people with sedate working lives actively seek stress in form of hand-gliding, mountain climbing, horror movies or simply riding the highest, fastest, and steepest roller coaster. Stress brings a zest into our lives, making us feel more alive.

Too much stress is a negative force. For example, after a terrible argument with his wife in the morning, a sales manager fails to effectively present his plan for a new product as he so distracted over the morning events. An employee becomes physically ill, developing a headache and stomach ache, as soon as he enters into his place of employment because of being constantly nit-picked, humiliated and screamed at by his boss which results in a below par performance. This starts a vicious cycle of the boss nit-picking even more, and the employee's performance becoming progressively worse.

Too little stress can be just as disastrous. The sudden "lack of not being needed" gained by a new retiree from a demanding job into a life of idleness usually results in death or senility within a short period of time unless the individual seeks out new opportunities and challenges. Many retirees now find that it takes them days to do simple tasks that they once did in a very busy working day. How many of us would turn into couch potatoes with the control stuck to our hands if we did not have the stress of getting up going to work, raising a family and so forth.

As you can see increasing stress serves to increase efficiency towards its maximum. However, beyond that point, your efficiency rapidly falls. This means that if your stress is too great, you become counterproductive. When you are in that state, even things you normally do well will be beyond your grasp. Example, you are running late for work, you have an important appointment at 9 AM that you have to prepare for, and your 3 years old just took the car keys from the counter and lost them somewhere. If you are at point of too much stress all ready, this last incident of the lost keys could push you over the brink into rage.

Stress is dynamic and changes with every change in your life. Thus you should "tune into yourself" frequently and check out what your stress level is. To find out where you are at stress-wise, ask yourself this simple question, "Will the added stress of a new responsibility at work or at home (no matter how small it appears to be) increase my efficiency or decrease it?

If you have too little stress in your life then you should say "yes" to extra duties at home, work or in your social activities. Such added responsibilities will increase your needed stress level and can improve your overall efficiency and sense of well-being.

If you have too much stress, you need to practice saying "NO". You need to cut back on inessential activities, such as volunteer community work, serving on committees, etc. Learn to delegate some of your responsibilities. You need to step back and say at this point "I have too much on my plate to deal with that now. Ask me again in a few weeks".

Learn to know thyself well. Assess your stresses and then make the right choices.

It may seem that stress surrounds you on all sides. With the collapse of the economy, you are worried about your job and finances. Bills still keep coming. There are not enough hours in a day to do all you want. Your career and family responsibilities are always present in your mind. By now your head is spinning and you may want to say, "Stop the world and let me off."

BUT WAIT! You have a lot more control of stress than you think you do. The foundation of stress management is you taking control of your life. It is all about taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your to-do list, your family milieu and the way you deal with problems. Your ultimate goal is to have balance in your life with time for family, work, relaxation and fun.

The first step is identifying the sources of stress in your life. This isn't as easy as it sounds. True sources of stress are not always apparent. It is very easy to overlook your own-stress inducing thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Sure your boss is always giving you too much work to complete with very short deadlines. But maybe it's your own waiting to the last minute to complete the project that causes the stress rather than the job demands.

Since everyone has a unique response to stress, there is no "one size fits all" solution to managing it. No single method works for everyone in every situation so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Click here to learn more about Techniques of Stress Management. Focus on what make you feel calm and in control.

According to HELPGUIDE, a non-profit organization for mental-health related issues, there are Four A's for Dealing with Stressful Situations:

Change the Situation:

1. Avoid the stressor.
2. Alter the stressor.

Change your Reaction:

1. Adapt to the stressor.
2. Accept the stressor.

Strategy #1: Avoid Unnecessary Stress:

1. Learn to say "no." Know your limits and stick to them. Taking on more than you can handle is a surefire way for adding stress to your life.

2. Whittle down your to-do-list. Scrutinize your time schedule, responsibilities and daily tasks. If you have too much on your plate, distinguish between "what must be done" versus "what should be done." Drop unnecessary tasks to the bottom of your list or get rid of them totally.

3. Take control of your setting.. If the news is stressing you out, shut off the TV. If the way you drive home stresses you, take a longer but less traveled road. If cutting the grass stressed you, replace the grass with plants, cement stones that require little care.

4. Avoid hot-button topics. If you get upset over discussing religious or political topics, do not bring them up. If you repeatedly argue about the same topic with the same person, stop bringing it up or leave the room when the topic comes up.

5. Avoid people who stress you out. If someone continuously stresses you out and you cannot change the relationship, limit the amount of time you spend with them or totally end the relationship.

Strategy #2: Alter the Situation:

1. Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If someone or something is disturbing you, communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you don't your feelings will build up, and nothing will change in the situation.

2. Be more assertive. Deal with your problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them. If you just got home late from work and have to get dinner on the table within the next hour when your friend calls and wants to tell you all the latest gossip. Tell her up front that you will enjoy talking with her but right now you need to get dinner started and will call her back later this evening.

3. Be willing to compromise. If you ask someone to change their behavior, you must be willing to the same. If both parties are willing to give in a little, you will have a good chance of finding a happier middle ground.

4. Manage your time better. Poor management of time causes considerable stress. When you are stretched too thin and running behind, it is hard to stay calm and collected. Plan ahead and make sure you don't overextend yourself.

Strategy #3: Adapt to Stress:

1. Adjust your expectations. Perfectionism is a major source of stress. You set yourself up for failure by expecting to be perfect. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and others. Learn that it is okay to be "good enough."

2. Restructure problems... Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. If you are caught by a railroad crossing with a very long freight train, instead of fussing and fuming, stop pause and regroup by listening to your music, relax and practice deep breathing exercise or just enjoy the moment of some time alone.

3. Look at the big picture. Ask yourself how important is this to me in the long term? Will it matter in a month or year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, concentrate your energy and time somewhere else.

4. Focus on the positives.. When stress is getting you down, take a minute and think about all the good things you have in your life, including your own strengths and gifts.

Strategy #4: Accept Things You Can't Change:

1. Accept you cannot control the unachievable.. Many things in our life are beyond our control, particularly the behavior and actions of other people. Focus on what you can control-your own behavior and how you react to problems.

2. Share your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend, your pastor or a counselor. Expressing what you are going through can be very liberating, even if there's nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation.

3. Look for the upside. As the saying goes, "Live and learn." When facing major challenges, try to think of them as opportunities for personal growth. If you made poor choices, reflect on this contributed to your stress, and then learn from your mistakes so as not to repeat that action again.

4. Learn to forgive. The truth of the matter is this is an imperfect world and people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself by forgiving and moving on.

Strategy #5: Make time for fun and relaxation:

1. Schedule relaxation and rest time into your daily schedule. Do not let other obligations to encroach on your R & R time. This gives you a chance to replenish yourself.

2. Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that you enjoy. It could be go for a walk, spending time in nature, call a good friend, play with a pet, stargazing, a good workout, work in your garden, a massage, listening to music, etc.

3. Reach out to others. Spend time with affirmative people who enhance your life. A strong support system will buffer you from negative effects of stress.

4. Keep your sense of humor. Be able to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing is very therapeutic for your body, mind and soul.

Strategy #6: Other Health Tips:

1. Get enough sleep. The average adult needs 7-8 hours sleep per night. Research is beginning to show that adults, who do not get the proper amount of rest, are prone to developing heart, memory and other problems. Besides when you are tired, your ability to handle stress is greatly decreased. You are feeling irritable and many times act irrationally.

2. Exercise regularly. Physical exercise is a good way to reduce and prevent the effects of stress. It is important to exercise for at least 30 minutes three times per week.

3. Eat a healthy balanced diet. It is imperative to start your day with breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. Research has proven that people who skip breakfast are more prone to gaining weight.

4. Reduce caffeine and sugar intake in your diet. Both items give you a temporary "high" but often it ends in a cave in where you end up feeling more tired and more irritable than before you took them. Caffeine is, also, noted for keeping people up at night so it best to be avoided so at bedtime you will be relaxed and calm.

5. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Many people use alcohol or drugs as a way of self-medicating themselves to ease the pressure of stress. This effect only lasts a short time. Alcohol is known to increase feelings of depression and only masks the problems that you will have to deal with later.

Our stress response was programmed for life as a hunter/gatherer. The purpose of this response was fight or flight in matters of life and death, such as escaping a charging lion. Unfortunately, the stress response no longer deals with life and death issues, but with intricate social/economical issues such as overcrowding, traffic, pollution, etc. It took the stress response thousands upon thousands of years to develop, and the change in society from hunting/gathering to industrialize has only occurred in the last few hundred years. So our body is still responding to present stresses with the "old" responses of survival.

Listed below are the effects of acute and chronic stress on a person. Stress response involves both mind and body reactions to deal effectively with the perceived threat. Described briefly are the benefits of the stress response and the negative drawbacks when stress is continuous and prolonged.

1. Release of Cortisone from the adrenal glands:

Benefit - Protection from an instant allergy reaction from a dust-up encounter with an attacking enemy.

Drawback - When cortisone is persistently elevated due to chronic stress, research has shown that the body's resistance to the stresses of cancer, infection, surgery and illnesses is greatly weakened. Even the ability to fight off a minor common cold is greatly impaired.

Chronic cortisone elevation dramatically reduces the stomach's resistance to its own acid, leading to gastric and duodenal ulcers. Also, it can aggravate colitis (inflammation of the bowel). Additional effects are: bones become brittle and they fracture more easily; blood pressure is elevated by the retention of sodium.

2. Increased Thyroid Hormone into Bloodstream:

Benefit - Thyroid hormones speed up the body's metabolism. This supercharges the person to provide him with extra energy.

Drawback - Too much stress results in intolerance to heat, shakiness to the point of jumpiness, weight loss or gain depending on person's increased or decreased food intake, insomnia, trouble falling asleep and waking up frequently during the night. Ultimately resulting in exhaustion or burnout.

3. Release of Endorphin from the Hypothalamus:

Benefit - This is the feel "good" hormone. For example, in a severe accident, a person can sustain a life threatening injury, such as having his leg cut off, and feel no pain. This is due to this hormone.

Drawback - Chronic relentless stresses can deplete the levels of endorphin, which have been shown to aggravate migraines, backaches and the increase the pains of arthritis.

4. Reduction in sex hormones for both sexes:

Benefit - With the hunter/gatherer society, with the hunters away for long intervals, a decreased libido made both partners' lives more tolerable and allowed them to focus on the tasks at hand.

Drawback - Many of the sexual problems couples face is due to stress. The more stressed an individual becomes the less able he/she is able to perform and enjoy sex, which leads to increased stress and escalates the problem.

5. The Shutdown of the Entire Digestive Tract:

Benefit - Blood can be diverted to the muscles, heart and lungs, where it is most needed. Acute stress has resulted in extraordinary behaviors, such as a 110 lbs. Mother lifting up a 3500 lbs. car off of her son when the jack slipped. Normally, this woman would not be able to even budge the car but with her super strength of her acute stress she accomplished an unbelievable feat.

Drawback - Highly stressed people develop dry mouths with their tongue sticking to the roof of their mouths, such as standing up in front of a large audience to give a speech. People, who force themselves to eat on the run while they are under a lot of stress cause themselves much harm by forcing food into their inactive stomachs. Stomach bloating, nausea, discomfort, cramps and even diarrhea can result. Swimmers know this very well that is why they eat lightly before (the stress of) swimming.

6. Release of Sugar Into the Blood, Along with An Increase in Insulin Levels to Metabolize It:

Benefit - Quick "short distance" energy supply. Fuel for the sprint.

Drawback - Diabetes is exacerbated (made worse) by the excessive demands for insulin on the pancreas. This, also, can result in the start of diabetes or hypoglycemia. Hypoglycemia is the result of the body's reaction to stress by increasing the amount of sugar released into the blood. The blood sugar levels shoot way up. Then the body compensates by releasing large amounts of insulin to counteract the sugar. This results in the blood sugar levels dropping below normal, causing the person to feel weak, faint and sometimes confused.

7. Increase of Cholesterol in the Blood:

Benefit - Provides a "long distance" fuel now that the stomach has shut down. Takes over where the blood sugar leaves off in supplying energy to the muscles.

Drawback - Chronic elevated cholesterol levels result in fat plaques being deposited on the lining of blood vessels, including the coronary arteries. It leads to hardening of the arteries or even a heart attack.

8. Increase in Heart Rate:

Benefit - Pumps more blood to the muscles and lungs and carries more fuel and oxygen to (or from) vital areas.

Drawback - High blood pressure. If unchecked, it could lead to strokes, bursting of an aneurysm or a host of other problems.

9. Increased Air Supply:

The nostrils flare, the throat dilates, all the air passages in the lung dilate, and breathing become deeper and more rapid.

Benefit - Provides the extra supplies of oxygen to feed the increased blood supply coming into the lungs.

Drawback - Disastrous if you are a smoker or live with one. The penetration and damage that each cigarette can wreak is greatly amplified during stress.

10. Blood Thickens:

This is due to increased production of red and white blood cells and the spleen injecting clotting factors into the bloodstream.

Benefit - More capacity to carry oxygen, fight infections and stop bleeding from a wound.

Drawback - Strokes, heart attacks or a blood clot can all be precipitated by having the blood turn to sludge under stress.

11. The skin "goose pimples", pales, and sweats:

Benefit - The skin, the largest organ in the body, has all its hairs stand up on end, which is more sensitive to touch. The pallor of the skin results from the blood being diverted to the muscles, heart and lungs. The skin sweats to provide coolness for the underlying, overheated muscles.

Drawback - Triad of clammy hands, pasty face and stained armpits. This is what gives people away in lie detector tests to indicate they are lying.

12. All Five Senses Become Acute:

Benefit - This brings the body to its peak of function. Overall mental performance is, also, improved, with greatly increased concentration.
Eyes-Pupils dilated to allow better night vision, and gives better peripheral vision.
Ears-Hearing becomes more acute. Touch-enhanced by the hair response. Taste, smell-enhanced.

Drawback - Is the high error rate that occurs with excessive stress. It appears that the senses "burn out" after excessive stress and become less efficient. The person becomes less observant of details around, pays little attention to tastes or smells, tunes out whole conversations and ignores touch.

In summary, the stress response is a life saver in acute life and death situations, but chronic, persistent stress results in much havoc to the person's mind and body, and a main contributor to many major health problems, like diabetes, heart attacks, weakened immune system and so forth

Additional Reading Sources:

Selye, Hans. The Stress of Life. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1956
Selye, Hans. Stress Without Distress. New York: Lippincott, 1974.
Johnson, Spencer, and Blanchard, Kenneth. The One Minute Manager. New York: Morrow, 1982

Anger is an emotional response to frustration, insult, or attack. Though not known to be universal cause, a very common stimulus to anger is the feeling of being either physically or psychologically restrained from doing what the person intensely desires to do. Other causes of anger include personal insult, everyday frustrations, such as being late to work because of a traffic accident, interruptions, being taken advantage of, or being compelled to do something against one's own wishes, such as having to do a project for your boss that has been done several times and never succeeded in the past.

Anger, aggression and hostility are difficult to deal with once a person has lost control. It is more easily to check anger before it flares up. Most people are unaware of the signals, which their bodies give them about the buildup of anger and frustration until it is too late.

One way to keep your anger in check is to be aware of what are the signs of anger.

What anger physically looks like?

1. The muscles of the brow move inward and downward.
2. The face has a frown and foreboding appearance.
3. The eyes are fixed in a hard stare toward the object of anger.
4. The nostrils dilate and the wings of the nose flare out.
5. Lips are drawn back and are open, revealing clenched teeth.
6. Often the face is flushed.
7. Voice level goes up several decibels.

What anger feels like?

1. The blood boils. The face becomes hot. Muscles are tense.
2. There is a feeling of power and the impulse to strike out, to attack the source of anger.
3. The stronger the anger, the stronger and more energetic the person feels. The greater the need for physical action.
4. In rage, the mobilization of energy is so great the an individual feels that he/she will explode if he/she does not bite, kick or hit something or "act out the anger" in some way.
5. Anger causes an individual to feel great tension. The sense of physical strength and self-assurance tends to make an individual feel brave and courageous.
6. The experience of anger is accompanied by a strong feeling of impulsiveness. The dimension of self-control is lower in anger than any other emotion.
7. The combination of muscle tension (strength), self-assurance and impulsiveness help explain the individual's readiness to strike out or engage in some kind of motor activity, like fighting.

What to do (When Feeling Angry):

1. DO NOT touch another individual or pick up any objects during periods of anger.
2. Remove yourself from the situation immediately.
3. Take several slow, deep breathes. Hold your breath for about five seconds and release your breath slowly and saying to yourself "relax."
4. Do something physical, which requires the expenditure of a lot of energy, such as jogging, playing squash, swimming, etc. Perform the activity until physically tired.
5. Then go back and examine the situation and identify the stressor(s) that set off the event. What was it about this particular situation that triggered your anger or was it a compilation of several incidents that built up until this was the "last straw".
6. Develop a plan of action on how you would handle the situation differently in future.
7. If a person is chronically angry or has problems with controlling his/her anger, he should seek out professional help immediately and sign up for an Anger Management Course.

Presented in this module are three easy exercises for an individual to use when he/she feels stressed out or frazzled.

Slow Diaphragmatic Breathing:

1. Slow diaphragmatic breathing emphasizes breathing from the abdomen with minimal chest movement.
2. Each time you inhale, the stomach area should "balloon out".
3. Each time you exhale, the stomach should move downward.
4. To help you observe that he/she is doing correctly, place one hand on the abdomen and the other on the chest. The hand on the abdomen is the one that should be moving up and down.
5. When inhaling, hold breath for 3 seconds, counting 1-2-3. Then exhale, counting 1-2-3.
6. Complete 10 Diaphragmatic Breaths in 60 seconds.

Meditative Component:

1. When the slow diaphragmatic breathing exercise has been mastered, you can add the word "relax" as you breathe out.
2. This repetitive exercise promotes relaxation with the word "relax" and becomes a cue for experiencing a relaxed state when exhaling.

Progressive Relaxation Exercise:

1. This exercise takes about 20 minutes to complete. This works better if you or someone else records this so that you only have to listen. When recording pause 5 seconds between each step and talk in a quiet, calm voice.
2. Do not strain your muscles. Only flex them to about 75% of your maximum potential.
3. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Loosen tight clothing.
4. Close your eyes.
5. Stretch your legs as far as they will go and curl your toes under and tighten the muscles.
6. Also tighten the muscles in your calves and thighs. Hold for 5 seconds. Relax the muscles in your toes, calves and thighs.
7. Let your legs go completely limp. And now you feel the wonderful relaxation coming up your toes, up your calves, up your thighs, and you are feeling very calm, very relaxed.
8. Stretch out your hands and make a fist. Feel the tightness. And now make it tighter, tighter, tighter, and hold it.
9. Also tighten the muscles in your wrists, in your forearms, in your upper arms. Hold it. Hold it.
10. Let go and get the wonderful feeling of relaxation right through your fingers, your hands and now through your forearms and your upper arms.
11. Let your arms go completely limp, and you are feeling wonderfully relaxed, very calm and feeling great.
12. Arch your back backwards, raise your chest, and tighten your neck and shoulder muscles and stomach muscles. Keep breathing regularly. Make the muscles tight as you can, tighter, tighter. Hold it. Hold it.
13. Relax. Feel that wonderful feeling of relaxation from your back, chest, shoulder and stomach muscles. You are feeling wonderfully, relaxed and very calm.
14. Now tighten the muscles of your face. Make a funny face. Tighten the muscles around your mouth, the muscles around your chin, around your eyes and forehead. Wrinkle your brow. Make them tight. Tighter. Tighter. Hold it. Hold it.
15. Relax. Feel the wonderful feeling of relaxation from all the muscles, in your forehead, around your eyes, muscles of your cheeks, muscles of your chin and around your mouth. You are feeling wonderfully, relaxed and calm.
16. Now take a deep, slow breath. Hold it. Hold it.
17. As you exhale, you can feel all your frustrations, tensions and anxieties flowing out of you.
18. Take another deep, slow breath. Hold it. Hold it.
19. Relax all the muscles in your body. Let the muscles go limp. Let your mind go blank. Your body feels so heavy that it would take superhuman muscle to move them. You can feel your body sinking deeper and deeper into the chair/mattress.
20. Now picture a scene that makes you feel calm and at peace with the world. Put yourself in the scene. Color your picture with specific details. As you are visualizing this scene, feel yourself becoming more and more relaxed.
21. A relaxed, warm, calming feeling like a wave comes over you starting from your stomach and slowly spreading through your whole body. Enjoy this feeling for several seconds.
22. Then slowly come back to awareness by counting to five and with each number you become more awake and aware of your surroundings.

To successfully solve problems and negotiate agreements that both parties can live with, it is important to negotiate the conflict on the basis of what objectively makes sense-taking into consideration the needs and feelings of BOTH parties-as opposed to who is most powerful or the most right.

The most common model involves six steps.
1. Define the Problem
2. Brainstorm and generate as many solutions as possible
3. Evaluate each solution
4. Pick best solution to resolve the issue
5. Determine how to implement this solution
6. Assess the success of the solution and make corrections as necessary

Step One: The first step in problem solving is RECOGNIZING there is a problem, not just admitting that a problem exists, but in clearly defining it in terms that both parties understand.

Here is an example between Zelda and her mother regarding the upkeep of Linda's room.

Mom: I'm really upset with how dirty your room is. I realize that you're entitled to your privacy, and yet when I walk into the room and see dirty dishes and candy wrappers and clothes on the floor, I feel irritated. I'd like us to figure out an agreement that would be acceptable to both of us. What do you think of that?

Zelda: It's my own room, and I don't think it should upset you.

Mom: That the bind I feel I'm in. On the one hand, I realize it is your own room, and you're a young adult and are entitled to keep it the way you want to. On the other hand, I'm worried that we'll get bugs because of the food and dirty dishes. Also, when your clothes are left on the floor and chairs, it makes extra work for me in washing and ironing. And I feel embarrassed when relatives and friends visit and they see your room.

Zelda: Oh, Mom, really. I feel like a kid when you check up on me.

Mom: Ok, so you don't want me to check up on you. I have the impression that it also irritates you to have to put your plates in the dishwasher immediately after your snack. And I understand that you don't like to hang up your clothes right away. Am I right about these things?

Zelda: You got it.

Mom: Ok, so those are your needs, and mine are to not have bugs, not be embarrassed, and not have to wash and iron so often.

Step Two: The second step is to generate as many solutions as possible. Do not evaluate the solutions at this time as being good or not so good solutions. Just keep identifying solutions until both parties run out of ideas.

Mom: What ideas do you have on how we can solve this problem? Let's us just say everything we can think of and not judge the ideas until they're all out. OK?

In the discussion the following solutions were generated:

1. Keep the door to Zelda's room closed at all times so Mom doesn't see the mess and won't get upset.
2. Buy bug spray.
3. Zelda will take all of her dirty dishes out of her room before she goes to bed.
4. Hire someone to clean up the house.
5. Mom will clean Zelda's room.
6. Zelda will wash and iron her own clothes.
7. Zelda will not take any snacks into her room but will eat them in the kitchen and place her dishes in the dishwasher.

Step Three: Once all of the possible solutions have been identified, go through them one by one and evaluate how feasible it would to implement the solution.

Mom: Let's take a look at the list and see what we think of them and which ones we like and don't like.

Zelda: I really don't like the one about your cleaning up the room for me. I just said it as a joke. Actually if you did that, I couldn't find some of my things that way.

Mom: OK, let's scratch that one. I don't like the one about just closing the door and leaving the room as is because that doesn't take care of the bug problem and extra washing and ironing work for me.

Mom and Zelda continued discussing all the solutions until they arrived at a solution they both agree on.

Step Four: Once you feel that you have reached a solution that both of you can live with. State it clearly so that both have the same understanding of what it means. You may revise it several times until there is mutual agreement on the solution.

Zelda: Ok, so we agree that I'll keep my closed and you won't invite any relatives or friends in to see the room. I'll empty out the dishes from my room before I go to bed, and you'll make sure that the clean dishes are out of the dishwasher. I'll pick up my clothes off the floor before I go to bed.

Mom: That sounds like a good solution, but before we decide for sure, how about if I picture walking past your room with the door closed and see how that feels. You picture yourself at 10:30 at night and you're ready to go to bed, and it's time to pick up your clothes and put away the dishes. (Pause) How does that feel? Is it realistic?

Zelda: Feels like too much work!

Mom: So that didn't quite work out for you; it was OK for me to have your door closed.

They discussed this and arrived at the solution that Zelda would put away the dirty dishes and food in her room every day. She would be responsible for her own clothes and whether or not she picked them up. Mom would continue washing the clothes but Zelda would do her own ironing. Every Saturday, Zelda would pick up her clothes and straighten her room.

Step Five: When you have agreed on a solution, establish when it will go into effect.

Mom: When do you want to start this? How about today?

Zelda: OK with me.

Mom: How shall we do it if I forget and complain about your room or you forget to straighten up on Saturday?
Zelda: OK, if you complain, I'll remind you of our agreement, and if I forget, you remind me.
Mom: And you'll do it without complaining?

Zelda: As long as you don't complain but just remind me in a nice way.

Mom: OK, it's a deal.

Step Six: Mom and daughter agreed to reevaluate the solution in three weeks to see how it is working.

The key to solving any problem is that both parties agree there is a problem, and both agree to work towards a solution. One person cannot solve a problem by himself if the other party is not agreeable to being part of the solution.

The most common complaint among significant others is "You are not listening to me." Unfortunately this is true. Most of us do not listen intently to what our significant others (spouses, bosses, friends, etc.) are saying either because our minds are miles away (i.e.,thinking about going on vacation in two weeks) or preparing in our minds what we are going to say to the person in reply. This in turn causes us to miss the majority of what the other person is saying. Studies have shown that on average people only hear about 20% - 30% of the conversation. This results in disagreements because key points are missed, misunderstood or worse.

This is a guideline of active listening for when you have important issues to discuss. It not intended for every day conversation because it would make your conversations too stilted and forced.

1. You cannot listen if you are talking. Polonius (Hamlet) "Give every man your ear, but not thy voice."

2. Put the talker at ease. Help him feel that he is free to talk.

3. Show him that you want to listen. Look and act interested. Listen carefully to what he is saying. Do not read or do anything else like work on your computer. Listen to him to understand rather than reply.

4. Remove distractions. Don't doodle, tap or shuffle papers. If it will make the environment quieter, then close the door.

5. Empathize with him. Try to put yourself in his place so that you can see his point of view. In your response, try to rephrase or restate the exact meaning of what he has just said.

6. Be patient. Allow plenty of time. Do not interrupt him. Don't start for the door or walk away.

7. Hold your temper. An angry man gets the wrong meaning from words.

8. Go easy on argument and criticism. Do not add any opinions, thoughts, or feelings of your own unless the other person asks for them. This puts him on the defensive. He may clam up or get angry. Do not argue; even if you win, you lose. Stay in the here and now. Do not drudge up the past.

9. Ask questions. This encourages him and shows you are listening. It helps to develop points of further understanding. Respond with questions beginning..."Do you mean....." "Are you saying......" Or, "Is this what I hear you saying....."

10. Stop Talking. This is the first and the last commandment, because all other commandments depend on it. You cannot be a good listener if you are talking. God gave man two ears and only one tongue, which is a kind way of saying that we should be listening more than talking.

These ten commandments sound easy but they are difficult to carry out. It takes much conscious effort on your part to be a good listener and keep focused on the talker.

By Rick Bronder
Posted: May 06, 2009 - 2:00 AM

The Big Dogz know how to communicate one-on-one with their followers. Whether giving directions, soliciting ideas or just helping people, the Big Dogz know how important it is to communicate. When communicating, leaders exercise two specific skills; one is sending messages and the other is receiving messages. This week we look at sending messages.

When sending messages to others, the Big Dogz are C-L-E-A-R in their communication.

Clarify - Give the other person enough information so they have a reasonable chance of understanding you. Stay away from jargon that may be unfamiliar to them.

An effective technique is to plan your communication prior to the actual conversation. This planning does not need to be elaborate. Jotting a few notes, then reviewing how you would communicate to this particular person can significantly increase your "understanding rate."

Remember, they do not know everything you know about this situation.

Link - Use analogies and shared experiences to illustrate your content. If you are discussing a new process you want followed, link your request to some previous process you have asked them to create. Often you can use analogies to provide a description. Linking what you have to say to what they already know increases the probability they will understand you.

Engage - While you are speaking to them, periodically ask them a question about your information. How would they use it? What approach would they take in implementing your request?

Even a simple request for them to paraphrase involves them in the conversation. Asking for a paraphrase is one of the most powerful techniques for ensuring the receiver understands your message. When asking for a paraphrase, try putting the focus on yourself rather than the listener. "I want to be sure I told you everything you need to know. Can you help me by telling me what you heard?" Studies have shown repeatedly that two-way communication is more effective than one-way communication.

Anticipate - Think about what questions or concerns they may have about what you are communicating. Make sure you address these concerns in your delivery. If you discover a question they should have asked you and they did not, ask them the question. This action will help ensure effective communication and will get them engaged.

Respond - Hopefully, the receiver will ask questions while you are communicating your information. The way you respond to the question will determine if you get any other questions. If you respond defensively or with irritation, the receiver will be reluctant to ask further questions, especially if you made them look stupid! However, if you respond with dignity and respect, you will create an environment where people will ask questions. Engaged people ask questions; it shows they are listening.

The Big Dogz know that sending messages effectively is not an accident or some in-born skill. In order to be effective at sending messages, plan and practice using C-L-E-A-R
.

Sure Way to Fail :

I would like to give you certain tested rules of how to fail in your relationships with people. Here are a few of the more important ones.

1. Strut your superiority. Talk and act superior to others. Be as arrogant as possible. People will quickly avoid you.
2. Don't praise or say nice things to others.
3. Criticize people and especially in front of others.
4. Don't pay attention to your appearance; after all, it is a personal matter.
5. Don't be friendly with others. It lowers your status, and breeds familiarity.
6. Don't smile at people. It's bad.
7. Take all the credit.
8. Talk about yourself. You are the one who counts.
9. Be indifferent to the interests and problems of others.
10. Don't help people get ahead or build up their self-esteem. Keep people down. Remember if we help others grow they will in turn elevate themselves above us.

Any one of these personality traits reflected in these ten rules can damage your human relationships immeasurably and sometimes beyond repair.

A Succinct Course in Human Relationships:

This is a brief course in developing positive relationships with people. I believe all of us could benefit from the practice of these five simple points.

1. Five most important words: I am proud of you.
2. Four most important words: What is your opinion?
3. Three most important words: If you please,
4. Two most important words: Thank you.
5. Least important word: I

Good human relations are a matter of taking infinite pains in our dealings with people. It is a matter of giving ourselves to others. People will as a rule give themselves to us in full measure, if we give ourselves to them.

And finally, I would like to repeat the summation of all principles of good human relations based on the Golden Rule-"Do unto others what you would like done onto you."

We are going to take a closer look at universal patterns of response that people use to get around the threat of rejection. In all cases, the individual is feeling and reacting to the threat, but because he does not want to reveal "weakness" to others, he attempts to conceal them in the following ways:

1. Placate so the other person won't get mad.
2. Blame so the other person will regard you as strong. If the other person leaves the situation, it is his fault not yours.
3. Computer with the resultant message that you are attempting to deal with the threat as though it was harmless, and you are trying to establish your self-worth by using big words.
4. Distracter so you ignore the threat, behaving as though it were not there. If you do this long enough, maybe the problem will go away.

After you have reviewed each of these patterns of communication, decide which one you are least comfortable with you and that is the one you probably use when you are feeling threatened in a relationship with your spouse, boss, etc.

PLACATER:

The placater always talks in an ingratiating way, trying to please, apologizing, and never disagreeing no matter what. He is a "yes" man. He talks as though he could do nothing for himself. He must always get someone to approve of him.

You think of yourself as really being worth nothing. You are lucky just to be allowed to breathe. You owe everybody gratitude and you really are responsible for everything going wrong. You know that you could have stopped the rain if you used your brains but you don't have any way. You agree with every criticism made about you. You are grateful for the fact even anyone who talks to you, no matter what they say or how they say it. You would not think of asking anything for yourself. After all, who are you to ask? Besides, if you can just be good enough it will come by itself.

The voice tends to be whiny and squeaky . You will be saying "yes" to everything, no matter what you feel or think. The placating position is kneeling down on one knee with one hand over your heart and the other raised up in supplication to the The other person is more important than you.

BLAMER:

The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. He acts superior, and he seems to be saying, "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right." The internal feeling is one of tightness of muscles and in the organs. Meanwhile the blood pressure is increasing. The voice is hard, tight and often shrill and loud.

Good blaming requires a person to be as loud and tyrannical as he can be. Cut everything and everybody down.

As a blamer it helps to point and wag your finger accusingly and to start your sentences with "You never do this or you always do that or why do you always or why do you never......" and so forth. Don't bother about an answer. That is unimportant. The blamer is much more interested in throwing his weight around than really finding out about anything. You tell people what to do, call them names, and criticize for everything under the sun.

COMPUTER:

The computer is very correct, very reasonable with no semblance of any feeling showing. He is calm, cool and collected. He could be compared to an actual computer or a dictionary. The body feels dry, often cool and disassociated. The voice is dry, monotone, and the words are likely to be abstract. I call this the "Mr. Spock" pattern of communication

As a computer, use the longest words possible, even if you aren't sure of their meanings. You will at least sound intelligent. After one paragraph, no one will be listening to you. Your body is numb from the neck down. There is no expression on your face nor does your body move. You sit there very rigid and straight.

When you are a computer, your voice will naturally go dead because you have no feeling from the cranium down. Your mind is bent on being careful not to move, and you are kept busy choosing the right words. After all, you should never make a mistake.

The sad part of this role is this represented as the ideal for many people. "Say the right words and show no feeling. Always be correct. Always be reasonable. Don't react."

Distracter:

Whatever the distracter does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing. He never makes a response to the point. His internal feeling is one of dizziness. The voice can be singsong, often out of tune with the words, and can
go up and down without reason because it is focused elsewhere.

You never know where you are going, and not realizing it when you get there. You are too busy moving your mouth, your body, your arms, your legs. You are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; come back with a different topic of your own choosing.

At first, this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes, the terrible loneliness and purposelessness arise.

These are the roles people assume when there is stress in the relationship and at the same time their self-esteem is involved. There are feelings of "I am unlovable." "I can never do anything right." "I am nothing." To cover these feelings, one of these four patterns results as a way to protects oneself from danger or harm emotionally. No one says, "today I will be blamer." All this occurs subconsciously as an automatic safety measure.

Attitudes prevalent in our society reinforces these ways of communication--many of which are learned at our mother's knee.

"Don't impose; it's selfish to ask for things for yourself," helps reinforcing placating.

"Don't let anyone put you down; don't be a coward," helps reinforcing blaming.

"Don't be so serious. Live it up! Who cares?" helps reinforcing distracting.

LEVELER:

The leveler deals with others in a straightforward, direct and honest manner. He speaks for himself but is also respectful of others' feelings. He looks at people directly when he speaks to them. His relationships are easy, free and honest, and there are few threats to self-esteem. If there is a problem, he works with the other person to find a solution together. He openly admits to his mistakes and takes action to correct them. Even in disagreements, the other person feels valued by the leveler.

To become a leveler, you have to put forth considerable conscious effort and be willing to practice how to deal with people in a honest and straightforward without destroying their self-esteem. It starts with you being able to speak for yourself, and presenting your observations, your feelings and your wants while also being able to value the other person's feelings and wants, and working on a compromise together to solve the problem.

This material is based on Virginia Satir's Peoplemaking Book, 1972.

DO YOU ASSERT YOURSELF QUIZ: (Answer as Honestly as You Can)

1. You expect a raise, but your boss says to wait six months. You respond:

a. Fine. I'll check with you then.
b. My request is reasonable, and you've agreed my responsibilities have increased. I'd like to discuss it further.
c. I was promised this raise. I deserve it and I want it now!

2. Your former peers, whom you now supervise, balk at taking orders from you. You:

a. Meet with each person and discuss the situation.
b. Say nothing and hope they'll change.
c. Send out a memo stating you're the boss now, and expect to be treated as such.

3. Your boss has been making indirect sexual overtures. You respond:

a. I am uncomfortable when your make those remarks or touch me. Please stop.
b. I am sick and tired of you making passes at me. Quit it!
c. You smile and pretend not to notice.

4. You are coordinating a project with another person, but doing all the work. You say:

a. You're not doing your share. If I don't get co-operation, I'm going to tell the boss.
b. On paper, we are coordinating this project, yet I seem to be doing all the work. I'd like to talk with you about changing this.
c. Nothing. You continue to stay late.

If you answered 1-B, 2-A, 3-A and 4-B, you are using assertive communication.
If you answered 1-A, 2-B, 3-C and 4-C, you are using non-assertive communication.
If you answered 1-C, 2-C, 3-B and 4-A, you are using aggressive communication

Many people experience difficulty in handling interpersonal situations requiring them to assert themselves in some way, for example, turning down a request, asking a favor, giving someone a compliment, expressing disapproval or approval. There are three avenues of communication styles used for dealing with difficult situations: Non-Assertive, Aggressive or Assertive.

Let us examine in more detail the effects of the different communication styles and the payoffs.

NON-ASSERTIVE:

Definition: When you permit yourself to ignore personal rights that are very important to you or when you permit others to infringe on your rights.

Assumptions: You do not have a right to your feelings, beliefs or opinions.

Characteristics of the Behavior: You are emotionally dishonest, indirect, self-denying and inhibited.

Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: Your feelings are hurt. You are anxious at the time and possibly angry later.

The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel guilty or superior.

The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel Irritated, pity, disgusted with you.

Pay Off: Enables you to avoid potentially unpleasant conflicts with others. Can, also, be a means of manipulation.

Results: You end up with hurt feelings and lowered self-esteem. Other unpleasant, internal psychological consequences are anxiety and depression. This style impairs level of communication between self and others. Others may see you as a person to feel sorry for, who needs protection, or may feel that you can easily be taken advantage of. You may not get the respect you want. You tend to be apologetic.

AGGRESSIVE:

Definition: When you stand up for your rights in such a way that the right of another are violated.

Assumptions: You have a right to your feelings, beliefs, opinions but others don't have as much right as you do.

Characteristics of the Behavior You are inappropriately emotionally honest, direct, expressive and self-enhancing at the expense of another.

Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: You feel that you are righteous and superior. You are depreciatory at the time and possibly guilty later.

The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: The other person feels hurt and humiliated.

The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: The other person has feelings of anger and is vengeful towards you. Others may feel dominated and humiliated, or "put down." You may get your own way initially.

Results: Aggressee feels taken advantage of, used, chastised, weak, guilty, hostile, frustrated or defensive. There is insensitivity to feelings, opinions, and beliefs of others. Relationships are impaired. There is a barrier to open communication.

ASSERTIVE:

Definition: When you stand up for your legitimate rights in such a way that the rights of another are not violated.

Assumptions: You have a right to refuse a request without feeling guilty. You have a right to tell someone else what your needs are. You have a right to your feelings, beliefs, and opinions. Others have rights, too.

Characteristics of the Behavior: Appropriately emotionally honest, direct, self-enhancing and expressive.

Your Feelings When You Engage in This Behavior: You feel confident, and self-respecting at the time and later.

The Other Person's Feelings about Himself When You Engage in This Behavior: They feel valued and respected.

The Other Person's Feelings about You When You Engage in This Behavior: The generally respect you.

Pay Off: Others can respond to your actual needs. You are direct, honest and make appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and beliefs. Others experience respect for their feelings, beliefs and opinions. Your needs usually will be met.

Results: There is an atmosphere of mutual respect and increased self-esteem. There is honest, sensitive, emphatic communication between parties. Interpersonal relations are as equals. There is a realistic, constructive collaborative approach to problems.

In summary, the non-assertive person avoids or acquiesces to the other person's demands by failing to stand up for himself or standing up for himself in such an ineffectual manner that his rights are easily violated. The aggressive person stands up for himself in such a way that he violates the rights of the other person and ruptures the relationship. The assertive person stands up for himself in such a way that the rights of the other person are not violated. This contributes to the other person's feelings of being valued and respected.

One of the hardest things for most of us to do is to say "no" to someone, especially if they are important to us like our spouse, a friend or our boss. Many times we say "yes" when we mean "no". This makes us feel like we are being put upon by the other person. I will present some guidelines to help you say "no" more easily and without feeling guilty later.

Here are some questions to ask yourself beforehand:

A. Is it easier to say "yes" rather than deal with the guilt you feel after refusing someone?

B. Do you usually say "yes" to avoid conflict or encounter with another person?

C. Do you resist the fact that you have the right to evaluate a situation, and then disagree with the person who is making the request of you??

D. Do you often feel that another's needs are more worthwhile than your own?

If you have a problem saying "no", try the following suggestions. Learning any new skill, like saying "no" requires practice and repetition until you feel comfortable turning down requests.

I. Assess whether or not the other person's request of you is reasonable or unreasonable.

A. If you find yourself hesitating or hedging, this may be a clue that you want to refuse.

B. If your feel cornered or trapped, this may mean that the request is unreasonable.

II. You may not have information to decide whether a request is reasonable or unreasonable. Assert your right to ask for more information and clarification. Make sure you get all the facts.

III. Practice saying a simple "no." Avoid long-winded statements filled with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations about why you are saying "no."

A. You can accompany your refusal with a simple, straightforward explanation of what you are feeling.

B. A direct explanation is assertive, while many excuses can get you into trouble leaving you open for debate.

IV. Learn to say "no" without saying "I'm sorry, but....." Saying "I'm sorry" frequently weakens your position, and the other person may be tempted to play on your guilt feelings.

V. You may use the "broken record" (just keep saying the word "no" over and over without adding anything additional comments) technique and resist the temptation to answer "why" or respond to possible insults. (Use only when the other person is extremely aggressive, destructive, manipulative or discounting-or when dealing with a person with whom you do not intend to have an on-going relationship.)

VI. Give yourself time to evaluate requests made of you. Say "Let me think it over and I will get back to you."

Remember Rome was not built in a day. Give yourself time to learn this skill. A good practice technique is to stand in front of a mirror and just keep saying "no" until it feels comfortable to you. If you give in to a request that you did not intend to, DO NOT beat yourself up. Look at what occurred and identify what had happened. The next time you will be more aware of what made you say "yes" instead of "no," so as to prevent it from happening again.

This article was presented in Brett's Blog on Tuesday, April 28th, 2009.
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Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the WORST OF THE TOXIC PERSONALITIES out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Marys: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancys: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?