Seriously Funny Quotes

"What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?" - Kevin Hart

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." - Mae West

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education". - Albert Einstein

"I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked." - Mae West

"Any fool can criticize, complain, condemn, and most fools do." - Anon

"A fool and his money are soon elected." - Will Rogers

"The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos" - Anon

"If you want a place in the sun, you have to put up with a few blisters." - Abigail Van Buren

"Once you become famous, there is nothing left to become but infamous." - Don Johnson

"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun" - Benjamin Franklin

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts" - Oscar Wilde

"Don't be so humble, you are not that great". - Golda Meir

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." - Yogi Berra

"Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing." - Oscar Wilde

"I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about Aids. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell Aids." - Elizabeth Taylor

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time." - George Carlin

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys." - Woody Allen

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before". - Mae West

"In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God". - Fredrick Nietzsche

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education". - Mark Twain

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung". - Voltaire

"They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one." - Rita Rudner

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." - Phyllis Diller

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner

"Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals". - Steven Colbert

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization" - George Carlin

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"Insomnia is my greatest inspiration". - Jon Stewart

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease" - Bill Maher

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot". - Jay Leno

"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter." - William Ralph Inge

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." - Oscar Wilde

"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - George Burns

"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!" - Jerry Seinfeld

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up." - Jay Leno

"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it." - Adam Sandler

"I'm an old-fashioned guy... I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something." - Johnny Depp

"When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed." - Jennifer Aniston

"It's okay to be crazy, but don't be insane." - Sean 'Diddy' Combs

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." - Fred Allen

"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good." - Robert Graves

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson

"You must lose everything in order to gain anything." - Brad Pitt

"Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary." - Jim Carrey

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day." - Jay Leno

"I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians." - Charles De Gaulle

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." - Dan Quayle

"If I talk to a girl, it's assumed that I'm having a scene with her. If I don't, then it's assumed that I'm gay." - Shahrukh Khan

"Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." - J D Salinger

"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died." - Steven Wright

"It's your money. You paid for it." - George W Bush

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom". - Jerry Seinfeld

"There will be good days and bad, which means that some days I may be cranky and some days really cranky!" - Peter Jennings

"I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine." - Sarah Vowell

"That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park." - Jim Harrison

"We have a couple of cranky neighbors but the vast majority are fabulous." - Robin Kramer

"I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it." - Dolly Parton

"Restarting a refinery is a very delicate operation. These things can blow up. They are complicated, old and cranky." - Roger Diwan

"They are crying, they are cranky, they can't keep down their food." - Amy Gregoire

"Virgo, and a real Virgo. Nit picky, cranky, cantankerous, fidgety, neurotic. All of the above, but that's good." - Jay London

"They can be cranky, bewildered, giddy, frustrated and sometimes moved to violence. In short, they are afflicted with the New York City Getaway Fever." - Lucinda Franks

"I wanted to be that cranky old guy that stands on his porch and yells at the neighborhood kids." - Robert Lansing

"We are not cranky or eccentric, we have a legitimate claim and we want a voice in local issues." - David Ball

"She had similar characteristics to mammals. She was cranky and demanding." - Lee Dashiell

"I think there's a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.)

"Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.)

"But what is it good for?" (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the micro chip, 1968)

"There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home." (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977.)

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." (Western Union memo, 1876.)

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.)

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates of Microsoft, 1981.)

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." (Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.)

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon" (Sir John Eric Ericksen, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873)

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet" (Al Gore)

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." (Orville Wright)

"It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so." - Jerome K. Jerome

"Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are." - Andrea Dworkin

"I think a lot of times we don't pay enough attention to people with a positive attitude because we assume they are naive or stupid or unschooled." - Amy Adams

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." - Benjamin Franklin

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." - Bertrand Russell

"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives." - Oscar Wilde

"No plan can prevent a stupid person from doing the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time - but a good plan should keep a concentration from forming." - Charles E. Wilson

"I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?" - Eminem

"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered." - Voltaire

"I used to comb my hair back and do stupid stuff." - Shane West

"The difference between ignorant and educated people is that the latter know more facts. But that has nothing to do with whether they are stupid or intelligent." - Neal Stephenson

"The buffalo is a surprisingly stupid animal." - Ellsworth Huntington

"I made stupid decisions as a kid, or as a young adult, but I'm trying to be now, I'm trying to take this lemon and make lemonade." - Kevin Mitnick

"It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid." - Sean Lennon

"I believe I am a person with unusual talents. I think I'd be a liar or stupid if I were to deny that." - Joshua Lederberg

"I talked about becoming stupid, but I've always been stupid. Fortunately I've been just smart enough to realize that I'm stupid." - Larry Wall

"A good man can be stupid and still be good. But a bad man must have brains." - Maxim Gorky

"Whenever man begins to doubt himself, he does something so stupid that he is reassured." - Stanislaw Lec

Stupid People Poster:
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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." (Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)

"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible." (Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.)

"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." (Jim Denny of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, firing Elvis Presley after his first performance.)

"I'm sorry Mr Kipling, but you don't know how to use the English language." (Editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a short story from author and poet Rudyard Kipling.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" (H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927)

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." (Workers hired by Edwin L. Drake for his project to drill for oil in 1859)

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction" (Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse - 1872)

"Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." (Lord Chesterfield)

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)

"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry Youngman)

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town". ( Steve Martin)

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." (G K Chesterton)

"I love humanity but I hate people." (Edna St. Vincent Millay)

"A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle." (Baudelaire)

"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful." (Bess Myerson)

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." (Anonymous)

"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?" (Carrie P. Snow)

"I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'" (Joan Rivers)

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back." (Henny Youngman)

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now, she's afraid of the light." (Rodney Dangerfield)

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!" (Homer Simpson)

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid." (Rita Rudner)

"I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind." - Patrick Dennis

"If American politics are too dirty for women to take part in, there's something wrong with American politics." - Edna Ferber

"I got nasty habits - I take tea at three." - Mick Jagger

"Some of the dirtiest dogs, past and present, had mothers." - Gregory Null

"Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling." - Carlos Santana

"There was no end to the ways in which nice things are nicer than nasty ones." - Kingsley Amis

"The Stones were nasty and ugly and doing songs I was familiar with." - Robert Quine

"When people are nasty, it gets everybody's attention, and it gives them a name." - Steve Guttenberg

"I really wanted to be nasty and mean and bad. It's so much easier than being the good girl." - Robin Tunney

"Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty." - Djuna Barnes

"Poetry is one of the few nasty childhood habits I've managed to grow out of." - Tom Holt

"Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry." - Sally Forth

"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" - Greg Norman

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." - Charles Shackleford

"The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle." - Bob Varsha

"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical." - Yogi Berra

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death; I can assure them it is much more serious than that." - Bill Shankly

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." - Tug Mcgraw

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." - Torrin Polk

"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." - Yogi Berra

"These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess." - Kobe Bryant

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!" - Pat Williams

"Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life." - Muhammad Ali

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." - Emo Philips

"We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity." - Mike Newlin

""They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free." - Greg Buttle

"You can observe a lot just by watching." - Yogi Berra

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." - Lee Trevino

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." - Metro Radio Comment

"They always try to play with our minds. But that won't work with our club. We've got 20 guys without brains." - Bobby Clarke

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games." - David Garcia

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win." - Yogi Berra

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." - Barry Beck

"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics." - Bob Ojeda

Football Poster:
Manchester United vs. Arsenal, Football Match at Old Trafford, October 1967
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