Bonding with a Difficult Horse - Digging to China

In order to further your understanding of our ever-unfolding story, I'd like to share more information about myself. Horses respond differently to different people so this is important.

I am a 42 year old survivor of serious domestic abuse over the course of my first marriage which left me with quite a few of my own emotional scars and the most serious post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) my doctor tells me he's ever diagnosed. So, as China's human, I was not without my baggage, either.

I was raised around horses. My Dad used to raise horses, though that was when I was an infant. He was enamored by them and enjoyed raising up youngsters and training them. My first horse was a coming 2 year old ungelded colt. My Dad felt you didn't truly know a horse unless you trained him/her. We took 5 months getting Shaun, a flashy appaloosa, ready for his first ride with largely natural horsemanship methods. Because of this, even though he was still a stallion, my first ride on him was largely uneventful. I rode him a lot as I did with the horses that came into my life later, such as Hope, a morgan mare shown here when I was 16. However, I still very much preferred ground training. I enjoyed the relationship with a horse.

Together with my current husband and soul mate, we live on a small 20 acre piece of property out on a dirt road surrounded by hundreds of acres of state land (woods). We already had a couple horses prior to being introduced to China. I had actually had my heart set on a mare named Cheyenne who was adopted before I got there so Jennifer Lee of Horse North Rescue took me to meet China. It was love at first sight... for me anyhow...

I adopted China from Horse North Rescue in Fife Lake, MI. We now have a total of eight horses and all of them have been adopted through Horse North Rescue except for Ollie and Sadie, our two minis. However, we found them through Horse North Rescue as dear friends of their's had them both and allowed us to adopt them (thank you Diane and Marla!).

Horse North Rescue takes in abused and neglected horses but also has horses frequently donated into their program, especially given the terrible economic situation during this time. You have to be approved to adopt a horse through them. Forms need to be filled out, references checked and your property approved as well. It's not difficult but they do their homework to assure good homes. They then only charge $25/year lease fee to take the horse of your choosing (they will help match you to the right horse). This means the horse is legally still their's. This offers the horse added protection should it be determined that the horse is not being properly cared for, they can take it back. But it is also a GREAT tax write-off for the adoptive families since all food and care given is considered a donation to their non-profit organization. After two years, most horses are releasable for a small adoption fee on a permanent basis if you so choose. Great people to work with who really know their horses!

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In the spring of 2011, my good friend, Jennifer Lee, encouraged me to take natural horsemanship classes when I complained to her my inability to communicate with China. No matter how many times I told China I loved her, she just didn't understand. I'd tell her how nobody would push her around anymore, that she was safe here and nothing was expected of her except for her to be happy (and behave, please!). My breath was wasted. She not only didn't understand the English I was whispering, she couldn't even hear me from the other side of the pasture.

Hide the lead rope, try to sneak up on her, act like I wasn't really coming her way -- you name it, I tried it. Sadly, those were all VERY wrong ways of trying to communicate with this beautiful horse.

Jen would be teaching the class, alongside her good friend and founder of PEACE Ranch, Jackie Kaschel at PEACH Ranch. I decided I should try and learn more about PEACH Ranch, I'd never been there before nor met Jackie. I always check out dog trainers so it was only natural I'd want to check out the horse trainer, too, though I do very much trust Jen's judgement on all horse matters.

As it turns out Jackie is a counselor and her husband is a psychologist. They are also Christians, as am I, and their programs are faith based. I felt not only comfortable, a light bulb went on. My doctor who diagnosed my PTSD urged me on numerous occasions to seek counseling but I rebelled, hoping to heal myself and having a good dose of fear where it came to such counseling. But maybe...

The first class was very basic in nature but I was soaking it all in. I also got my first impression of Jackie, who was a very confident, strong woman. A personality I admire in a woman coming from a background of seemingly self-weakness. They asked all of us participants what brought us to the class. I told them about China and Jackie took a special interest in her. Her issues were similar in origin as a rescue gelding she used in her therapy program (and this class), Ben.

Before the next class, I sent Jackie a private message over the computer asking about counseling. I did not go into depth at all but did share what my diagnosis was. After a few messages back and forth, Jackie stated she thought what I needed most wasn't counseling but a good friend to talk it over with. I was horrified and hurt. It had taken me over 10 years to get the courage to ask for help in this way and I was turned away. But, I forgave her. After all, she didn't know the seriousness of what had happened to me for all those years.

I kept going to class still with that strong desire to Dig to China. Since China has such a bad hip, trailering her was not possible. I wouldn't risk injuring her to take her to class, an hour and a half away. I happily used the horses at Jackie's ranch, as did the other students and Jackie gave me special instructions i.e. 'homework' to work specifically with China and to work around her physical and mental limitations. She gave me not only tasks to do but the emotional side I needed to consider in order to reach her. China had been used, she explained. Someone always demanded something of her but rarely, if ever, asked her what SHE wanted. My task was to find out what SHE wanted to do and spend time doing that with her. For China, that was long, leisurely walks to eat grass. I let her call the shots for weeks. Then we worked our way up to grooming and putting weight of my body on her. But it was those walks.. those wonderful, long walks where we shut out the rest of the world and just WERE. Just existed for the moment, in silence trying to understand one another until we were comfortable in each others presence.

Yes, Jackie was right. I did need a friend. I found that in China. And, yes, I think Jackie knew that all along!

Now I know China is connecting with me. I thought I felt her, you know, more 'here' with me. But it took an unexpected plunge in my blood pressure to cement that feeling to knowledge.

I walked China out to our favorite spot, a nice grassy patch near our pond. The lush grass was knee high and moist. You could smell the cleanliness of the ground as we basked in the sunshine. A week earlier, I had placed a lawn chair out here. I have a bad back and didn't want to have to rush China through her enjoyment of our special spot just because I grew sore from standing. Besides, she seemed more relaxed when I was sitting. But there was something preventing us from enjoying our daily walk on this day. The moist air had brought out the bugs! Ugh! The biting flies were promising rain was just around the corner. China was agitated. I had sprayed her down a few hours earlier but it had apparently worn off and she needed a new dose. We gave in and headed back.

As we were rounding the back of the pond on the trail back to the pasture, she was picking up speed. She wanted to get back to her pasture and barn, where the bugs weren't as thick due to the fact the grass and weeds weren't as high. Heck, with 6 horses and 2 steers out there, there wasn't much at all. Instead, there were 6 well placed round bales of hay.

I suddenly felt really dizzy as we were between the thicket of woods and the edge of the pond. The edge of the backside of our pond has a small hill we plan to one day turn into a faux waterfall. As I grew even more dizzy, I only had the time to aim for the small hill as a spot to fall when my legs refused to hold me up a split second longer. Falling in front of an overly anxious horse set on going back to her barn is never a good idea and this is a horse with a very strong mind of her own, a 'grouch' if you will.

China froze. My world was spinning and I felt like I may just pass completely out. I knew she was still there with me rather than taking off on her own for the barn but I was in no shape to hold onto her. As it turns out, I didn't have to. She not only froze in place after turning to look at me, she began sniffing me. The only thing moving was her nostrils. I was getting my head back but was terribly weak. I was watching her but couldn't react. She didn't react, either. She stared. Intently. Worry filled her giant brown eyes. She didn't even flinch her muscles to sway the biting flies off her flesh. She was zoned in on me. I wanted to reach out to her. To touch her. To reassure her. I couldn't. I had bariatric surgery several months before and, because of this, I tend to dehydrate easily. I hadn't brought a drink with me when I decided to go play with the horses and such and hadn't been drinking as I should the last couple of days. Dehydration resulted in a sudden drop in blood pressure.

It was only a few minutes but it seemed a lifetime.

I got my wits back about me and stood up. China sighed. She still didn't move until I took the lead and began walking. As I picked up my pace, she quickly reverted back to her 'I wanna go back to my barn' mode. I tucked her in and snuggled her close before heading back to the house.

Paying attention to my liquid intake was not the only lesson learned that day. I learned China had made a connection with me. She was learning to LOVE and trust. And you know what? So was I...