Divorce Help For Dads

YOU'VE BEEN HURT
If you don't act now, the wound may get worse. For most men, it's the first time such a massive shock has hit them - they are off balance, reeling. Those persons who have hurt them are probably preparing to take advantage of this imbalance to get another shot.

Stop & Think Clearly!
No matter how stable the situation now seems, no matter what other advice you've received, the clock is running, faster than you think. YOU MUST ACT NOW! This First Aid Kit has been assembled by men who have survived the same crisis you're now enduring - your problem isn't unique. By recognizing the predictable aspects, you can take control of the situation, but you must DO IT NOW!

If Your Divorce Is Just Beginning
If your wife is taking the initiative in a no-fault state, consider now the inevitability of a divorce. She has absolute, unstoppable power to do it to you. Seize that initiative yourself. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW, and file as plaintiff yourself. If you want custody of your children, convince your attorney to get an ex parte order granting you temporary custody, effective immediately, and pursue making that order permanent.

Don't Move Out Of Your Home
It's yours, too. If at all possible, keep the children with you in the family home. Not only will this be the most emotionally stabilizing thing to do for your children, it will help immeasurably in obtaining permanent custody, if you want it. Once the children and the home are no longer directly under your control, your chances of getting either back drop drastically. If a babysitter/housekeeper is needed, do whatever you need to do to provide one. These few days or months may be crucial in later proving to a judge that you are the more responsible, caring, and capable of the two parents.

Fight Tactical Court Orders Immediately
She may have obtained an order throwing you out of your own home, seizing or freezing your assets, etc. Don't let someone talk you into collapsing now under the weight of such common tactical burdens. You must fight such orders when they are fresh.

Don't Sign Any Preliminary Agreements
Many men in a misguided attempt to stop the divorce have signed documents which their attorneys later found impossible to break. Men have, in the first day, after hours of despair, signed away all their property, their children, their rights.

Evaluate Your Attorney Critically
Listen for phrases like, "You don't have much of a chance for custody", "Let her have it (property or custody) now, we'll get it back later", "You don't need to be present at the hearing", etc. BEWARE! Such statements are indicative of attorneys not skilled in representing the man successfully, or possibly just out to get what they can, with no real intent of fighting what are, for nearly every man, the more difficult side of the divorce case. If, for any reason, you suspect that you're not getting the strongest advocacy possible, seek another lawyer. (see this link on Choosing an Attorney)

Money, Money, Money
Nobody is ever really prepared for the expense of legally seeking his rights; but no matter what your financial situation, now is not the time to be cheap. You'll lose much more in the long run. Most lawyers will take a woman's divorce case on the expectation that you'll lose, and have to pay them too. You don't have that presumption, and may have to come up with "front money", and eventually dip into your assets. If you want custody, it could cost between $3,000 and $10,000. STOP. THINK. What is important to you now? What will be important to you years later, when all this has been encased in cement? If you have control over assets and income which she could use for legal expenses, can you tie these up yourself?

Seek Help Now
You need every bit of support you can get now, from your family, friends, your lawyer, neighbors, public opinion, your employer, your banker, minister, and/or physician. You were probably dependent on your wife for much of the emotional support you're going to need right now.

She's Not The Same Person Anymore
She is, unfortunately, an adversary, being advised by an attorney with only her interest in mind. Be courteous, but don't let the natural tendency of most men to be "gentlemen" destroy your future happiness. You may still care for her, but she's picked up and is pointing at you a weapon far more powerful than even she may recognize - the Divorce Court System and its practitioners.

Be Yourself - Don't Be "Baited"
Resist your wife's provocations to irrational or even violent reaction; she may have been advised by a lawyer of "liberated" friends to make you look the "bad guy" in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to her on a possibly recorded phone or in the presence of witnesses.

Denial of Access Rights
Commonly, the mother of the children will deny you access, in an effort to alienate the children from you, and to cement her claim of primary or sole custody, as you have not been seeing them. It is important for you you to obtain at least temporary orders to see your children. Until that is done, though there is a presumption of joint custody, the application of this is nearly impossible. The police do not want to get involved in a civil issue, so you will need to use similar procedures to those used by Single Fathers, to collect evidence of denial of access.    

1. Start keeping a Daily Journal of all your activities. The most common way to prevent a father from getting his rights through the courts is a false allegation. A Daily Journal is your number one piece of evidence in court and you can even refer to it while on the stand.  Further, create a Chronological Statement in preparation for hiring an attorney, if one is needed.


2. Gather Evidence. If legal in your state, Record All Conversations you have with the child's mother.


3. If this goes to court, you will be ordered into Mediation. If the mother is willing, take the lead, and suggest it to her. By doing this, instead of hiring attorneys, you go to a mediator to hammer out an agreement.  A Mediator is an Attorney or Paralegal with certified training as a mediator. You each have to pay half the fees in order for the mediator to have the appearance of being unbiased.


4. If you are being denied access, write her a letter notifying her of intent to exercise visitation on a specific date, like Saturday 10 AM to 6 PM. (see link for example)

Before The Trial

DO THIS
Admit to yourself that you have a problem in obtaining a just divorce.

Close out joint accounts, cancel credit cards and charge accounts.

Make sure that your wife and her attorney cannot get your financial records, move them to your office.

Try for an out of court reasonable settlement.

Contact and join a Father's Rights Organization and ask their advice about choosing an attorney.

Determine what the lawyers fees will be before you hire him/her.

If you have children, make sure that they understand that you are not divorcing them.

Keep a written record of all events pertinent to the divorce, names, etc.

Rent a P.O. Box for all your mail that you want to keep private.

Ask yourself which parent would be best for the children.

Tone down your lifestyle during the divorce process.

Learn about your case and your judge so that you can help your lawyer do a better job for you in court.

DON'T DO THIS
Move out of the house unless ordered to do so by the court.

Forget that you too have Constitutional rights.

Tell your children horror stories about your ex-spouse; there is no need to drag them through the muck.

Use your spouse's attorney to save money. You will only hurt yourself.

Use a lawyer who is Negative about your case and the opportunity for Fathers gaining custody.

Leave all of your friends behind and become a hermit.

Discuss any proposed settlement with your wife's lawyer unless your lawyer is also present.

Avoid your children if you move out of the house.

Take your children with you unless you have planned in advance.

Rely solely upon psychologists or expert witnesses to win your case.

Buy a new car, boat, etc., or move in with a single woman.

Voluntarily pay for anything not in the court order. This will not win you any "points."

During The Trial

DO THIS
Attend ALL depositions, court sessions, etc. even if your attorney tells you there is no need to come.

Obtain and keep ALL originals with copies going to your attorney.

Get specific visitation if you do not get custody.

Claim tax exemption on the children that you are supporting.

Keep tabs on you and your wife's attorney's fees and other costs.

Take a reasonable settlement at any point during the process.

Fight to keep the kids out of court and out of the middle.

DON'T DO THIS
Sign any decree or waiver unless and until you understand it fully and consult with your attorney.

Be afraid to change attorneys if your interests are not being met.

Panic if you lose temporary custody as is usually the fate of fathers.

Agree to alimony unless there are exceptional circumstances.

Agree to Child Support based solely on your income. Both owe support.

Agree to ALL medical bills without any strings attached.

Be sloppy about wills, trust and insurance; change benefactors.

After The Trial

DO THIS
Fulfill your visitation rights and see your children regularly.

Obey the divorce order, even if your former spouse violates it.

Avoid your ex-spouse as much as possible; you cannot have her back.

Keep complete financial records and correspondence for future use.

Fight off sentimentality when dealing with your children.

DON'T DO THIS
Review all the details of the decree with your children.

Be afraid to socialize, you are not a leper, you are just divorced.

Be overly possessive of your children, they need adjustment time.

Agonize over mistakes during the trial, forgive yourself.

Confront your ex-wife or in-laws, but come to a working understanding.

Cancel all joint credit cards, charge accounts, joint savings and checking accounts. You will need to send a short letter to the credit card or charge account company stating that you will no longer be responsible for any debts incurred on this account following the date of this letter.

If you have cosigned or guaranteed a loan for your spouse, contact the lender to disclaim liability for any future loans.

Terminate joint tenancies. This way your spouse will not receive the property in its entirety in the event of your death.

Obtain "freeze" orders on assets and on the removal of the child(ren) (unless state law provides for such orders automatically when a divorce action is filed); if warranted, obtain a protective order against abuse.

Do not to negotiate with the other party if you are concerned that such negotiations would leave the you disadvantaged. Let your attorney do the negotiating.

Do not to put your children in the middle of the dispute or undermine your spouse's relationship with the children; prove your ability to support a relationship between the children and the other parent (assuming the other parent is not abusing the children).

Know the judge. From your own experience or that of others, determine the judge's prejudices. How patient or impatient is the judge? What works (and does not work) with him or her?

Determine the issues on which the parties can agree--e.g., no-fault grounds for divorce, the retention by each party of his or her family heirlooms and items with sentimental value, the division of furniture.

Use a comparative balance sheet that lists the various items of property, debt, income, or expense with columns showing the value each party holds in those items, plus any agreed-upon or court-determined value. Update the balance sheet periodically.

If your spouse has a lot more money than you, consider filing a petition for temporary fees (well in advance of trial).

Line up experts well in advance of trial; if necessary, arrange for updated evaluations shortly before trial.

Obtain valuations and appraisals of important property, including the house and other real estate, pensions, business interests, and collectibles.

Consider the use of jointly agreed-upon experts or appraisers (without necessarily binding the parties).

Disclose your experts' names to the opposing party within the time limits imposed by court rules.

Request admissions of facts. (Sometimes, you may want to move a case along quickly by asking for admissions of facts before beginning other discovery.)

If health is an issue, arrange for appropriate exams and testimony.

If your earning capacity or that of your spouse is at issue, arrange for an evaluation by a vocational expert, or, if cost is a problem, prepare to testify as to education needed, tuition expenses, etc.

Work with experts to help ensure that their methodology is appropriate and that you understand it.

Send out subpoenas well in advance of trial.

Talk to key witnesses at least two or three times before trial to establish rapport, plan the case, and gather evidence (without undue coaching).

Prepare the witnesses not only for your questions but also for cross-examination; consider conducting a mock cross-examination.

Request stipulations regarding the admission of documents and other evidence.

If the opposing party is likely to object to the admission of important evidence, consider seeking a hearing before trial on admissibility; prepare statutory and case law arguments and be ready with an offer of proof.

Prepare a pretrial memorandum or list of requested relief for the judge to help him or her become familiar with your case.

Prepare a trial notebook. In addition to organizing your presentation, it will give you other advantages.

Get quotes for the various expenses that will change after the divorce, such as health insurance, car insurance, homeowner's insurance, etc.

Laws regarding the division of property vary from state to state. Here are some common factors:

The nature of ownership, including whether the property is non-marital (separate) or marital (community);

The amount of non-marital property held by each party;

Any agreements between the parties regarding the division of property;

Any increase in the value of non-marital property during the marriage;

Any contributions to property by either party (including contributions of money and labor from one party to the other's non-marital property);

The degree to which a spouse has diminished his or her future earning capacity or education because of years spent caring for the children or serving as a homemaker;

The degree to which the parties (one or both) have squandered or wasted property?

Duration of the marriage;

Custody arrangements for the minor children;

The parties' respective ages, health, occupations, employability, and trainability;

Prospective opportunity for each spouse to acquire capital assets and income in the future;

Whether property apportionment is in lieu of or in addition to alimony/maintenance;

Tax consequences of property division;

Fault of the parties (excluded as a factor in many states);

Furniture and furnishings

Antiques/Heirlooms

China, silver, crystal

Jewelry

Furs

Artworks

Stereo equipment

Planes

Campers

Snowmobiles

Pets

Precious metals

Sporting equipment
Guns
Boats and trailers
Fishing equipment
Golfing equipment
Other

Personal collections
Coins
Stamps
Other

Accounts Receivable
(money owed to either party)

Vehicles
Automobiles
Trucks
Motorcycles
Bicycles

Stocks

Bonds

Debentures

Brokerage

Margin Accounts

Cash & Deposit Accounts
Cash On Hand Or In A Safe Deposit Box
Checking Accounts
Savings Accounts
Money Market Accounts
Christmas Club Accounts
Certificates Of Deposit

Life Insurance
(cash surrender value)

Retirement Interests
IRA
401K Plan
Defined Benefit Plan
Defined Contribution Plan
Annuity
Keogh Plan
Other

Real Estate
Residence
Rental Property (owned by the parties)
Vacant Land
Vacation Property
Other

Business Interests
Interest In A Closely Held Corporation
Partnership Interest
Other

Interest In A Time-Share

Beneficial Interest In An Estate/Trust

Prepaid Obligations
Prepayment On Tax Liability
Prepayment On Funeral Expenses

Anticipated Tax Refund

Other Assets
Tax-Sheltered Investments
The Right To A Cause Of Action
Patents
Trademarks
Copyrights

Mortgage On Residence

Mortgage On Other Real Estate

Loans For Items
Vehicles
Home Improvements
Education
Consolidation Of Other Bills
Other

Loans From
Retirement Plan
Insurance Policy
Relative Or Friend
Other

Medical/Dental Bills

Charge Accounts

Credit Card Accounts

Lease Payments

Land Contract Payments

Money Judgments

Tax Liability
Real Estate Taxes That Are Due
Past Due Income Taxes
Other Past Due Taxes
Estimated Tax Payments

Contingent Liabilities

Most courts base child support, spousal support (alimony) on the incomes of both parties. Here are some things you should consider in determining your income and the other side's income.

Consider reimbursed business expenses
Car expenses
Dining out
Business trips that include a pleasure or vacation component
Club dues
Education costs
Insurance benefits
Other

To find information about a closely held business, contact (or have the client contact) a disgruntled current or former employee.

Check for excessive deductions--federal and state income taxes, and Social Security and Medicare. (Use previous year's limits.)

Check for unusual expenditures, such as a year's worth of supplies or the purchase of equipment far in advance of need.

Check for excessive prepayment of debts, such as estimated tax payments, rent, insurance premiums, and charge accounts.

To track assets and income in other countries, consider retaining a "big six" accounting firm or other investigator.

If copies of the other party's tax returns are not readily available or if you suspect that they are not copies of the actual forms that were filed, you can obtain copies directly from the IRS by using Form 4506.

Request a statement from the Social Security Administration showing the other party's earnings and estimated benefits (Form SSA- 7004- PC-OPI).

Determine the frequency of receipt for each of the following items so that information can be included in any financial statement. In addition, you may also want to note specific amounts on a weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual basis.

Salary

Bonuses

Commissions

Overtime

Dividends
(Taxable And Nontaxable)

Interest
(Taxable And Nontaxable)

Royalties

Pension/Retirement Payments

Social Security Payments

Disability Income

Unemployment Compensation

Public Assistance

Child Support
(Paid To Client)

Alimony/Maintenance
(Paid To Client)

Payments Made On The Client'S Behalf For Such Items As:
Insurance Premiums
Health Insurance Premiums
House Expenses
Education Costs

Services Or Goods Furnished To The Client At Little Or No Cost, Such As
Housing
Meals
Automobile

Any Additional Contributions To Client From Others
(See Also "Fringe Benefits And Perks" Checklist [Perks].)

An alienation of affection lawsuit is one in which a spouse can sue a third party if his or her partner leaves the relationship for another person.

To win, an alienation of affection lawsuit needs to prove that:

• Love between the married spouses must have existed.
• The marital love must have been alienated and destroyed.
• The third party's conduct has to be proved to be malicious interference with the marriage relationship.

Most states in the United States have abolished this type of lawsuit as it is considered to be archaic and an unacceptable form of revenge.

Historically, the alienation of affection law was based on the belief that a wife was the property of her husband. Therefore, when a woman was emotionally or sexually involved with another man, she was considered to have been stolen.

Those who want the alienation of affection laws to remain believe that alienation of affection lawsuits protect traditional marriage. Also known as:

• Criminal Conversation
• Heart Balm Torts
• Revenge
• Spousal Theft

Examples: As of January 2008, the only states in the United States that allow alienation of affection lawsuits are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah.

Alabama:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Alaska:
Neither state law nor case law addresses the issue of alienation of affection in Alaska.

Arizona:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Arkansas:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

California:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Colorado:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Connecticut:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Delaware:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

District of Columbia:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Florida:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Georgia:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Hawaii:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

Idaho:
No, alienation of affection lawsuits were abolished through judicial decision.

Illinois:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

Indiana:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Iowa:
No, alienation of affection lawsuits were abolished through judicial decision.

Kansas:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Kentucky:
No, alienation of affection lawsuits were abolished through judicial decision.

Louisiana:
In 1927, in the case of Moulin v. Monteleone, 165 La. 169, 115 So. 447, actions for alienation of affection were abolished.

Maine:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Maryland:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Massachusetts:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Michigan:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Minnesota:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Mississippi:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

Missouri:
No, on June 17, 2003, Missouri's highest court abolished the state's alienation of affection law.

Montana:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Nebraska:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Nevada:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

New Hampshire:
No. According to Title XLIII, Chapter 460:2, "No damages shall be allowed to either spouse in any action based on alienation of the affections of the other spouse."

New Jersey:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

New Mexico:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

New York:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

North Carolina:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

North Dakota:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Ohio:
No, in 1985, alienation of affection suits were abolished by General Laws c. 207, Sect. 47B, inserted by St. 1985, c. 74 Sect. 1.

Oklahoma:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Oregon:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Pennsylvania:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Rhode Island:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

South Carolina:
No, alienation of affection lawsuits were abolished through judicial decision.

South Dakota:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

Tennessee:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Texas:
No, in 1997, Family Code, Chapter 1.107 was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Utah:
Yes, alienation of affection lawsuits can still be brought.

Vermont:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Virginia:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Washington:
No, alienation of affection lawsuits were abolished through judicial decision.

West Virginia:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Wisconsin:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Wyoming:
No, legislation was enacted to abolish the right to bring an alienation of affection lawsuit.

Determine The Benefits And Negatives Of Paying Alimony As Compared to Child Support

In today's society of equality, Alimony is beginning to take on a stigma that it's somehow Anti Women's Rights for a woman to be getting paid Alimony from her ex-husband, but the reality may be different in a financial sense.

For a limited time alimony is better to pay than child support.

Child support separate from alimony only became common some 40 years ago. Alimony is tax deductible, while child support is not.

When calculating child support, alimony is a deductible item from gross earned income on which the calculations are based, thus less child support is ordered. In addition, the alimony adds to the total taxable the other parent, resulting in them taking on a greater obligation in the support of the children.

Balancing the benefits of one over the other is something to discuss with a tax accountant. Reducing taxable income, as a result of paying alimony, could bring the obligor into a lower tax bracket. Combining this with the lower child support obligation could actually create an overall savings as compared to just paying child support.