Help Me Get Divorced

You may hear a lot of people talking about how you should stay together for the children, that the children need two-parent families, that divorce causes problems for children that cannot be resolved.

The thing is, with divorce on the rise, new research has been done that shows quite the opposite.

For one, divorce isn't as stigmatized as it once was. With nearly half of all marriages failing, there isn't that "one kid in school" whose parents have divorced. Many children are in the same boat. While it's not easy for children to go through divorce, they are more resilient that people give them credit for.

More long term studies, like the one completed by Hetherington and Kelly (2002) [link below], state that after the initial turmoil of restructuring of a household, children of divorce have about the same amount of long term problems of children who grow up in conflicted households.

The most important factor that will determine a child's outcome after a divorce is the parent's behavior during and immediately following the process.

The non-custodial parent needs to stay as involved as possible to decrease feelings of abandonment in the children.

Parents need to be mature in the situation, which can be extremely difficult when emotions are high and feelings are hurt. It can't be stated enough that the parent's acceptance of each other, and their behavior toward each other, is key.

There are always three sides to a story, his, hers, and the truth. Each ex-partner is entitled to their opinion. They can go out with their friends, or vent at work about what a jerk their ex-spouse is. Around the children though, those feelings all need to be pushed deep down inside for the five or ten minutes you have to spend together to complete the exchange.

It's hard. I know.

I'm guilty of saying things at times that I've immediately wished I could take back. I've also apologized to the children and honestly told them that I shouldn't say those things around them about their father. I explain that their father and I had disagreed, and that he had made me angry, and when people are angry they sometimes say things that they shouldn't.

If you mess up and say things in front of your children, make sure that they know that your feelings about their other parent do not change your feelings about them.

Abandonment is one of a child's biggest fears during the process of divorce.

Fortunately, I have an amazingly strong bond with my girls. Shortly after their father moved out, we were upstairs in their room cleaning and my middle daughter said that she missed her dad. That was hard to hear, because I hate for my children to experience that kind of heartache. All I could do is hug her and tell her that I knew she did, and apologize to her.

Thinking of the above incident, I pulled that same daughter aside and talked to her about relationships. Out of the blue, she said that she missed her dad, but she liked it better at the house now because there wasn't fighting all the time. She told me that she would rather miss her dad sometimes and see me happy than to have him there and see me sad.

That exchange was eye-opening. First of all, until that moment, I had not had any clue how the tension between he and I had been affecting her. I realized though, that she herself wasn't as angry. She was sleeping better. She wasn't as defiant. She was actually happier.

This doesn't make single parenthood any easier.

Save yourself and your children some pain. Click Here for an amazing e-book that guides you through the process of divorce by a top divorce attorney and marriage psychologist.

Some days it's tough to even get out of bed. Even if you were the one who initiated the divorce, feelings of anger, failure, anxiety and sadness are common.

With so many things to feel anxious about, you really do need to make sure that you take care of you.

Make time to do something that you enjoy, even if it's for a few minutes a day.

Figure out what de-stresses you, be it reading, watching TV, playing sports, playing an instrument, singing or writing.

Take time to figure out your new life direction. You're no longer in a relationship that you had assumed was going to be a life-long one, otherwise you never would have said "I do". Nobody goes into a marriage expecting it to fail. Figure out why it failed, and be honest. It's easy to say it was because he cheated, or because she never listened to you, but if you look deep inside yourself, you'll be able to identify your contribution to the downfall of the relationship.

I'm not saying that it's your fault. It may honestly be that you married a dog and he had no idea how to be faithful and there's nothing you could have done about it. That's important to realize too, because that will help you to look at the part of your personality that fell in love with that individual.

You should not feel that you are inherently flawed, even if you identify things that you could have done differently. This is a new beginning for you, a time for you to fix those things about yourself that you identify as needing help. See a therapist, read some books, talk with a trusted friend or family member who can be honest with you, whatever it takes.

We all have issues of some sort.

While life may seem overwhelming sometimes, especially when you feel like the entire running of the household falls on your shoulders, know that you're not alone.

You are a strong person, and you can do it on your own.