Support for Divorced and Divorcing Fathers
I started the Divorced Dads Matter blog in response to the pervasive social view of divorced father's as secondary parents or distant relatives and the Family Court system's approval of this attitude. I just want to offer support, information, and a voice for good fathers that want to love and be a meaningful part of their children's lives. This is not an organization. This is not a legal service. This is just one person's attempt to shed light on the injustice that father's often face during divorce and custody rights litigation and post-divorce issues faced by single fathers and fathers in new relationships. I have been attempting to get stories from fathers, but have yet to receive any. If you are a divorced father and want to tell your story, or just want to provide experience and hope for other Dads then check out my blog and send me your story. I'm planning on implementing podcasts at some point. So, if you hate to write and just want to tell your story, feel free to record it and send it to me.
New Table of Contents
Divorced Dads Rights
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Books for Divorced Dads on Divorce and Parenting
Fathers' Rights: Hard-Hitting & Fair Advice for Every Father Involved in a Custody Dispute
Amazon Price: $13.22 (as of 07/06/2009) 
Used Price: $3.59
Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex
Release Date: 02/18/2003
Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 07/06/2009)
Used Price: $7.49
Be a Great Divorced Dad
Amazon Price: $11.86 (as of 07/06/2009)
Used Price: $1.52
The Divorced Dad's Survival Book: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids
Amazon Price: $16.15 (as of 07/06/2009)
Used Price: $0.61
Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths
Amazon Price: (as of 07/06/2009)
Used Price: $5.54
Most Popular Posts
Below are a few of my readers' favorite posts.
Good Marriage Advice if You Live in Kentucky
Here's something good to know if you're married and live in Kentucky:
Your wife decides to cheat on you for, oh I don't know. . . let's say 7 years. And, she has two children with her lover, who just happens to be her boss. But, she let's you believe that the children are yours. Like any good father, you raise them. In fact, you take a primary role in their upbringing. Then, she decides she wants a divorce. But, hold the press! The a-hole boss that's been sleeping with her for 7 years, and is the godparent of one of his own children, decides to have a sudden attack of morality. He wants to father his children, even though both your spouse and the boss have lied and covered their lies for 7 years. You fight for custody. Guess what? You will very likely lose the children you have raised since infants.
This is an actual divorce case from Divorce Law Journal: Divorce and Family Info for Professionals in Kentucky and Beyond.
Therein lies the irony: if a misled husband decides to "run" in order to avoid any parental support obligations, he would be prohibited from doing so by S.R.D. and would remain financially bound to the child, but should he desire to "stay" and maintain a relationship with the child, Consalvi, literally applied, says that he cannot be the de facto custodian and is not entitled to custody or visitation. Fortunately, a man who was led to believe he is the father of a child born during his marriage may be able to maintain a relationship with the child in those instances where the biological father has waived his superior right to custody.
Can someone explain to me how this is different from the following scenario?
I sell you a diamond. I know it's a fake, but I sell it to you for a premium price. You later have it appraised only to find out it's a fake. Naturally, you want your money back. I say no. You have hard evidence that I blatantly lied to you during the sell. You go to the police and call the Better Business Bureau. What do you think is going to happen in this case?
Yet, when a CHILD is involved, fraud seems to be acceptable. So acceptable in fact, that the fraudulent parties can maintain custody of the child. That's a sick, twisted system. What is that child going to be taught?
Advice: Lower your expectations for our Family Court System considerably. Wait. Maybe that's go
Here's something good to know if you're married and live in Kentucky:
Your wife decides to cheat on you for, oh I don't know. . . let's say 7 years. And, she has two children with her lover, who just happens to be her boss. But, she let's you believe that the children are yours. Like any good father, you raise them. In fact, you take a primary role in their upbringing. Then, she decides she wants a divorce. But, hold the press! The a-hole boss that's been sleeping with her for 7 years, and is the godparent of one of his own children, decides to have a sudden attack of morality. He wants to father his children, even though both your spouse and the boss have lied and covered their lies for 7 years. You fight for custody. Guess what? You will very likely lose the children you have raised since infants.
This is an actual divorce case from Divorce Law Journal: Divorce and Family Info for Professionals in Kentucky and Beyond.
Therein lies the irony: if a misled husband decides to "run" in order to avoid any parental support obligations, he would be prohibited from doing so by S.R.D. and would remain financially bound to the child, but should he desire to "stay" and maintain a relationship with the child, Consalvi, literally applied, says that he cannot be the de facto custodian and is not entitled to custody or visitation. Fortunately, a man who was led to believe he is the father of a child born during his marriage may be able to maintain a relationship with the child in those instances where the biological father has waived his superior right to custody.
Can someone explain to me how this is different from the following scenario?
I sell you a diamond. I know it's a fake, but I sell it to you for a premium price. You later have it appraised only to find out it's a fake. Naturally, you want your money back. I say no. You have hard evidence that I blatantly lied to you during the sell. You go to the police and call the Better Business Bureau. What do you think is going to happen in this case?
Yet, when a CHILD is involved, fraud seems to be acceptable. So acceptable in fact, that the fraudulent parties can maintain custody of the child. That's a sick, twisted system. What is that child going to be taught?
Advice: Lower your expectations for our Family Court System considerably. Wait. Maybe that's go
Think That Mommy-bias Is Not Deeply Ingrained In Our Culture?
In a story from Reuters titled Few Effects of Poor Daycare Last Past Age 11, they examine a study for the Child Journal. This, in and of itself, is interesting, but not what caught my eye. What did catch my eye was the definition used for "child care provider:"
Child care was defined as regularly scheduled care by anyone other than the child's mother, lasting at least 10 hours per week.
Anyone other than the child's mother. So, apparently, it's not just Divorced Fathers that are "child care providers," it's also seems to be married fathers as well. When a definition like that can make it into such a large study covered by Reuters you can't tell me that the perception of fathers as "babysitters" is not deeply ingrained in this culture.
Interesting. Maybe when next tax season [more]
Child care was defined as regularly scheduled care by anyone other than the child's mother, lasting at least 10 hours per week.
Anyone other than the child's mother. So, apparently, it's not just Divorced Fathers that are "child care providers," it's also seems to be married fathers as well. When a definition like that can make it into such a large study covered by Reuters you can't tell me that the perception of fathers as "babysitters" is not deeply ingrained in this culture.
Interesting. Maybe when next tax season [more]
Divorced Dads: Tips To Make Your House a Home
Every divorced Father knows how difficult it can be to maintain a meaningful relationship with their child. It's common to feel like a distant relative or glorified babysitter. One of the most important things any divorced Dad can do is create an atmosphere of stability- to make their house a home for the child. Here are some basic tips on making sure that your place doesn't become your child's weekly vacationing spot.
1. Reprogram your language.
After my separation, I immediately fell into the "When am I going home?" trap. My son would often ask this, and I would grit my teeth and answer. It broke my heart every time he said it. The implied statement was that my house was not his home- mommy's house was his home. However, I had to remind myself that this was my perception not his. After tending to my bruised feelings, I started to realize that this was something that we could work on. So, I started gently challenging this question. It's important to remember here not to let hurt feelings turn into anger or resentment.
Stay calm and began answering with, "You mean, when are you going to mommy's?" Then, have a short discussion with the child that Daddy's house is home too, and remind them that you know they love both of you. Resist the urge to berate them with this or turn it into a lecture, and DON'T make them feel like they have hurt you or must choose sides! A simple reminder will do. Then, began using the phrase "home" in reference to your house. If you are at the grocery store and your kid asks for a snack, tell them you'll give them one as soon as you get home. If you hear them say "Daddy's house" or "your house," don't correct them just reword it with "your home" or "our home." Or you can simply get rid of "home" all together and talk about "mommy's" or "daddy's." You'll be amazed at how quickly this issue can become a moot point.
2. Give your child their own space.
If your child doesn't have their own room then make that a top priority. If you live in a one bedroom apartment, start looking for a two-bedroom. Sometimes it's an issue of finances. Divorce is devastating financially and can take a while to rebound from. So, if you can't afford a 2-bedroom apartment, then get creative. Or, you could do what I did. I gave my son the bedroom. It had all his toys and kid stuff in it, and the nights he was there I slept on the couch. more
1. Reprogram your language.
After my separation, I immediately fell into the "When am I going home?" trap. My son would often ask this, and I would grit my teeth and answer. It broke my heart every time he said it. The implied statement was that my house was not his home- mommy's house was his home. However, I had to remind myself that this was my perception not his. After tending to my bruised feelings, I started to realize that this was something that we could work on. So, I started gently challenging this question. It's important to remember here not to let hurt feelings turn into anger or resentment.
Stay calm and began answering with, "You mean, when are you going to mommy's?" Then, have a short discussion with the child that Daddy's house is home too, and remind them that you know they love both of you. Resist the urge to berate them with this or turn it into a lecture, and DON'T make them feel like they have hurt you or must choose sides! A simple reminder will do. Then, began using the phrase "home" in reference to your house. If you are at the grocery store and your kid asks for a snack, tell them you'll give them one as soon as you get home. If you hear them say "Daddy's house" or "your house," don't correct them just reword it with "your home" or "our home." Or you can simply get rid of "home" all together and talk about "mommy's" or "daddy's." You'll be amazed at how quickly this issue can become a moot point.
2. Give your child their own space.
If your child doesn't have their own room then make that a top priority. If you live in a one bedroom apartment, start looking for a two-bedroom. Sometimes it's an issue of finances. Divorce is devastating financially and can take a while to rebound from. So, if you can't afford a 2-bedroom apartment, then get creative. Or, you could do what I did. I gave my son the bedroom. It had all his toys and kid stuff in it, and the nights he was there I slept on the couch. more
Divorced Dads: Tips to make your House a Home- Part 2
Last week I gave a couple of tips for divorced fathers on ways you can create an atmosphere of home and then decided to break it up into a two part post. Here's a quick recap from last week:
1. Reprogram your language
2. Give your child their own space
Here are a couple more ideas to help create a familiar environment.
3. Don't spoil your child!
It's not uncommon for a non-custodial parent to try and make up for their absence by lavishing expensive gifts or planning big weekend outings for their child. Maybe they feel guilty. Maybe they're afraid of being replaced. Or, maybe, they are trying to counteract bad mouthing from the other parent. Resist this temptation. The only thing this does is reinforce a "weekend getaway" mentality. Of course, it's okay to have fun; to go to the zoo or on vacations. It's okay to buy things. I love doing things with and for my son. But, when it becomes the focus of the relationship, Dad's home begins to feel a lot like a weekend resort and less like a home.
Think about how a normal weekend would go if you had your child every day of the week and go from there. Structure and responsibility are key ingredients in creating an atmosphere of home. My son has chores. He can earn an allowance, so he can buy that toy or video game he wants. If he needs a little extra then maybe I help him out, but he has to put forth an effort to work for it. We set aside time for homework and reading. Basically, he knows that Dad's house is not going to be party-central. It's his home.
4. Get involved!
Being a part of a child's life outside the home is extremely important after divorce. Go to school functions. Get to know their classmates' parents and their teachers. Enroll your child in extracurricular activities. I know that this can be very difficult if the custodial parent is vindictive and does everything in their power to keep you in the dark. Keep trying. You're equally their parent, and your child wants you to be there for them.
I hope this helps. There's also a book in the Books section under Parenting and Divorce entitled Divorced Dads: 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids if you are looking for more ideas.
1. Reprogram your language
2. Give your child their own space
Here are a couple more ideas to help create a familiar environment.
3. Don't spoil your child!
It's not uncommon for a non-custodial parent to try and make up for their absence by lavishing expensive gifts or planning big weekend outings for their child. Maybe they feel guilty. Maybe they're afraid of being replaced. Or, maybe, they are trying to counteract bad mouthing from the other parent. Resist this temptation. The only thing this does is reinforce a "weekend getaway" mentality. Of course, it's okay to have fun; to go to the zoo or on vacations. It's okay to buy things. I love doing things with and for my son. But, when it becomes the focus of the relationship, Dad's home begins to feel a lot like a weekend resort and less like a home.
Think about how a normal weekend would go if you had your child every day of the week and go from there. Structure and responsibility are key ingredients in creating an atmosphere of home. My son has chores. He can earn an allowance, so he can buy that toy or video game he wants. If he needs a little extra then maybe I help him out, but he has to put forth an effort to work for it. We set aside time for homework and reading. Basically, he knows that Dad's house is not going to be party-central. It's his home.
4. Get involved!
Being a part of a child's life outside the home is extremely important after divorce. Go to school functions. Get to know their classmates' parents and their teachers. Enroll your child in extracurricular activities. I know that this can be very difficult if the custodial parent is vindictive and does everything in their power to keep you in the dark. Keep trying. You're equally their parent, and your child wants you to be there for them.
I hope this helps. There's also a book in the Books section under Parenting and Divorce entitled Divorced Dads: 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids if you are looking for more ideas.
Reader Feedback
love2glow wrote...
Totally agree!! Children have rights and that is the right to love their Daddy without guilt, without being caught in the middle! Best To You!
Posted May 03, 2009
Reasonable_Divorces wrote...
Great lens! You've put together a lot of helpful information here. I'd love for you to visit my lens and say hello when you have the chance.
Posted February 15, 2009
nygintz123 wrote...
I havea great interest in theis lines. Her name is Emma Rae. I had visitation set up with her mother for 3 years until a court mistake made her mad. Now I have not seen her since March 3, 2008. I know that may seem like a short time to some dads who have been deprived of they children for years, but for me it's been hell. Her mother and I set up support and visitation on our own. I know now that that was a disaster waiting to happen, but at the time it was the most financially feasible for both of us. And for me there are still financial restrictions for me. I am reading this site for info and help. My daughter resides in Tennessee, but I live in Alabama. If there is anyone who can guide me through the paperwork I need, it would be greatly appreciated. I will use the links in this lens to see where they take me. Sorry if i took up alot of spaces , but this is a venue that I hope may help myself and alot of other dads. Keep up the good work.
ps. Those are some great photos of your son.
Posted August 06, 2008
My Favorite Posts
Has Divorce Stolen Your Happiness. . . Permanently?
This is something I have struggled with for years. Some days I believe I'm on my way to the happiness and optimism I felt before my divorce. But, then something happens- it doesn't have to be big- and I'm back to uncertainty. I've often wondered if I would ever look at the world the same again; if I would ever feel the same sense of awe and optimism about life. It's not coincidence that the terms bitterness and divorce are used almost synonymously.
Apparently, a Michigan State University psychologist has an answer that I'm not too sure I like. Based on studies from Germany and Great Britain spanning 24 and 15 years respectively, not all life events have the same effect on people.
Lucas found that not all of life's slings and arrows are created equal. On average, most people adapt quickly to marriage, for example - within a couple of years. People mostly adapt to the sorrows of losing a spouse too, but this takes longer - about seven years. In general, people spike in happiness, then return to previous levels of happiness.People who get divorced and people who become unemployed, however, do not, on average, return to the level of happiness they were at previously. The same can be said about physical debilitation.
In many ways it makes sense. If a spouse dies, there is finality. The family and community file in to offer love, support, and condolences. Perhaps, the relationship was strong. There are happy memories. The partner is gone, and with time and distance the survivor is able to heal. However, with divorce the relationship was not ended naturally. It was cut short. There is little distance, especially when children are involved. In an attempt to make their ex hurt equally, divorced spouses will often constantly look for ways to throw a monkey-wrench in the other's life . Anger. Resentment. Betrayal. All common feelings among divorced fathers and mothers. Happy memories are clouded by the current war.
Lucas doesn't leave us completely empty handed.
"We see some hints in these studies, like perhaps that people who are positive emotionally tend to bounce back more, or that good social relationships play a role," he said. "We need to understand the variability in the way people react."
Read the rest
Apparently, a Michigan State University psychologist has an answer that I'm not too sure I like. Based on studies from Germany and Great Britain spanning 24 and 15 years respectively, not all life events have the same effect on people.
Lucas found that not all of life's slings and arrows are created equal. On average, most people adapt quickly to marriage, for example - within a couple of years. People mostly adapt to the sorrows of losing a spouse too, but this takes longer - about seven years. In general, people spike in happiness, then return to previous levels of happiness.People who get divorced and people who become unemployed, however, do not, on average, return to the level of happiness they were at previously. The same can be said about physical debilitation.
In many ways it makes sense. If a spouse dies, there is finality. The family and community file in to offer love, support, and condolences. Perhaps, the relationship was strong. There are happy memories. The partner is gone, and with time and distance the survivor is able to heal. However, with divorce the relationship was not ended naturally. It was cut short. There is little distance, especially when children are involved. In an attempt to make their ex hurt equally, divorced spouses will often constantly look for ways to throw a monkey-wrench in the other's life . Anger. Resentment. Betrayal. All common feelings among divorced fathers and mothers. Happy memories are clouded by the current war.
Lucas doesn't leave us completely empty handed.
"We see some hints in these studies, like perhaps that people who are positive emotionally tend to bounce back more, or that good social relationships play a role," he said. "We need to understand the variability in the way people react."
Read the rest
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A father by gift, geek by choice, and freak by nature, I divide my attention among too many activities on a regular basis. When not earning money as a... (more)
