The Divorce Buddy System

Divorce Buddy System approaches the bitter battle of divorce with a new concept -- that human nature can be tamed, even during the throes of a nasty divorce. Richard Kulerski has spent many years as a successful divorce attorney before penning Divorce Buddy System.

Through his book, Kulerski passes on to us the knowledge that he's gathered - both by practicing divorce law and attending numerous negotiating training schools, including Harvard Law School's prestigious program on Negotiation for Lawyers, taught by author and Law Professor Emeritus, Roger Fisher.

Kulerski's calming, but authoritative manner of dealing with divorce will encourage anyone who's contemplating a divorce or in the midst of one to attempt a resolution that will wipe out the fury and hold down the rising cost of litigation. Kulerski spent many hours learning conflict resolution training and he's excited about teaching us how to combine common sense with tried and true persuasion techniques to reach an outcome that's best for everyone involved.

Imagine staying calm and in control during verbal abuse, accusations and other horrors that your spouse may hurl at you during a mediation or other meetings. Divorce Buddy System teaches you how to stay in control, calm the situation and come out the winner by ensuring that others surrounding you (kids and family) come through the divorce with as little emotional trauma as possible.

It's about learning to step outside the situation and successfully negotiate a compromise that everyone can live with. Divorce Buddy System, by J. Richard Kulerski will show you how.

We're taught to never explore the depths of the ocean without a partner beside us. This scuba diving mantra is called the "buddy system," and smart divers will never dive without a buddy.

They monitor each other while below the water's surface to ensure their safety. If you want to ensure a positive outcome to a divorce that you may be contemplating or living through - don't dive until you read Divorce Buddy System, by J. Richard Kulerski.

No one wants a separation to result in a bitter battle - especially when children are involved. The cost of litigating a divorce can also be overwhelming if the two parties involved don't rethink their attitudes and put "self" on the back burner and do what's best for everyone. It's the difference between a smooth divorce and a bitter, nail-biting one.

Divorce Buddy System explains in laymen's' terms exactly what you should - and shouldn't - do in a divorce. You'll learn the correct way to discuss and negotiate a financial settlement and minimize the fury and cost. Kulerski bases his professional negotiating techniques on methods that most couples don't use in divorce proceedings because of high emotional stress - and the money involved.

But, as divorces climb higher and costs become steeper, we all need to carefully look at Kulerski's alternative to ending a divorce in court. If you can persuade your spouse to read Divorce Buddy System, you'll be much farther ahead. But, if you stand alone in your quest for an amicable divorce, you'll want Divorce Buddy beside you during the entire process.

Divorce Buddy System, by J. Richard Kulerski, is a breakthrough method of mediating and negotiating a more amicable and less pain-provoking divorce. Kulerski has forty-plus years of courtroom experience and trained at Harvard Law School in mediation and settlement negotiating. Besides being a member of numerous Bar Association Family/Matrimonial Law groups and professional committees, he holds the rank of Advanced Practitioner - the highest mediator ranking in the United States.

Kulerski poured his experience and training into Divorce Buddy System, a thought-provoking book that will revise your thinking about how to settle a divorce. The frustrations and costs involved in divorces are well known and you may think it's unavoidable. Kulerski shows you that it isn't - that we can all benefit by stepping back from the anger and accusations and resolve issues calmly and rationally. He claims that the system isn't the problem - "it's our adversarial culture, lulling us into thinking we have to fight even when we don't."

When Kulerski attended Harvard Law School's Program on Negotiation for Lawyers, he was fascinated with the settlement approach and realized that this area of law was where he could be the greatest help. Kulerski adopted a rigorous training program, learning everything he could about collaborative divorce.

The Divorce Buddy System concept came together in Kulerski's mind and he began to write about settling divorces using the method of one-on-one conversations between the spouses. Divorce Buddy System combines Kulerski's conflict resolution training with the life lessons he learned growing up in a Chicago neighborhood, culminating in answers to the divorce legal system's myriad of tribulations.

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Destroy your enemy by making him your friend.
-Abraham Lincoln

If you are facing divorce and you do not want the process to be painful, long, and expensive, you must settle your case quickly and smoothly. There are only four ways to accomplish this:

* You can marry a non-greedy, sane person who is as reasonable as you are;
* You can use a gun and force your spouse to settle;
* You can have your spouse lobotomized; or
* You can be nice to your spouse and try to persuade them to settle.

I admit that it seems outrageous to suggest that we act nicely to someone who is trying to stick it to us. Frankly, I wasn't crazy about it either. However, I considered the alternatives and realized there are none. If there were, salespeople would be using them.

Sane divorce is about salesmanship, not war. Anyone who has ever transacted business knows you must be nice to a customer if you wish to make a sale. Being nasty to a customer is bad business.

When you are in the legal system, the judge is your customer - the one you must sell. Unless you are new to this planet, you will do everything you can to be nice to the judge.

When you want an out-of-court settlement, your spouse is the customer - the one you must sell. It follows, therefore, that you should be nice to your spouse if you want to make a deal.

How else can we reasonably expect someone to give us something that they do not want to give us? We cannot. There is no other way. It's either treat your soon-to-be ex with respect and understanding or gear up to slug it out in a courtroom.

I have been a practicing divorce lawyer since 1963, and this means I have witnessed human nature at its breaking point on an almost daily basis for over four decades. Though all this, one thing is clear: When push comes to shove, and when all else is said and done, we are more willing to be nice to our spouse than we are willing to waste money.

We prefer being nice to a spouse that is undeserving to giving money to a spouse that is undeserving. Similarly, we would prefer to buy ourselves a new car, rather than buy our lawyer a new car.

Therein lays the logic. We don't  try to act  nicely for their sake, we do it because it helps us get what we want. It helps us to avoid a long, bad, ugly, divisive, and expensive divorce. It helps us save our dignity, mental stability, and physical health, and we do it for the welfare of our family. Being nice does not mean being weak; it means being sensible.

So, exactly how would a person go about acting nicely (if, hypothetically, a person were to consider doing so)?

Acting nicely requires three things: You must void aggravating your spouse, you must listen to their side of the story and convince them you listened to every word they said, and you must present your position calmly, quietly, without arguing, and without disrespecting their position.

The nice approach meets with resistance because many believe it is naïve and does not stand a chance in most divorce negotiations. They argue that divorce triggers primitive responses within us, which, at the very least, block us from being able to bargain objectively. They contend that our partner's "dark side" will laugh at our friendly settlement overtures as being signs of weakness and trample them accordingly.

 I agree wholeheartedly with this view when it comes to difficult people. To treat these individuals nicely is a kiss of death. If you married a negotiation terrorist, or someone who is similarly mean, crazy, generally insufferable, terminally stubborn, or otherwise impossible to deal with, don't waste your breath. The best thing you can do is hire a lawyer and take the advice you are given.

The nice approach works but it does not work for everybody. It is for reasonable people who want a reasonable divorce. A reasonable person is one who is capable of comprehending why the other person thinks their position is fair. This does not mean they must agree with the other's position, it only means that they have the ability to see how they can conceivably think the way they do.

You cannot plead your case to a brick wall. A simple willingness to work with your spouse's thinking - even hypothetically, for the sake of argument - will melt your spouse's wall. You cannot persuade until you first show that you are persuadable.

Remember that being nice will save you money and that someone has to be nice first or it is never going to happen.

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J. Richard Kulerski is a veteran divorce lawyer in the Chicago area. He is a Harvard-trained negotiator and mediator and the author of Divorce Buddy System - The Real Secret to a Reasonable Divorce. www.DivorceBuddySystem.com.

Reprints permitted by including the above paragraph and link crediting this article to J. Richard Kulerski.