Does bullying run in families?

Bullying at Primary School was the first lens I wrote on the subject of bullying. It was something that I needed to do, as therapy, to help me try to move on from the dreadful problems one of my beautiful daughters suffered at the hands of a bully.

However, as I researched the content for my first lens on bullying, I realised the enormity of the problem. Bullying is not just about the Bully and the Target. There's usually a large group of people involved, adults and children, either as protagonists, or the supporting cast of "Bystanders", parents and teachers. This lens is an attempt to try to understand what makes a child into a bully.

Excerpt from a school's anti-bullying policy:

"Bullying is a continuous pattern of behaviour by one person towards another which is designed to hurt, injure, embarrass, upset or discomfort that person."

A sly push, teasing or name-calling, away from whoever is patrolling the playground or in charge in the classroom - childhood bullying can be many different things that are deliberately done over and over again with the sole purpose of intimidating, humiliating, excluding and isolating the Target - the person on the receiving end.

A review of national and international research about bullying, that was published in August 2008, has found increasing evidence of a family connection with bullying. Elizabeth Sweeney, a University of Cincinnati master's degree student in sociology presented her findings to the 103rd annual meeting of the American Sociological Association.

Sweeney reviewed research out of England, Germany, Norway, Japan, South Africa and the United States, and the majority of the research that she examined involved children between the ages of 9 and 16. She found that children raised by authoritarian parents - parents who are demanding, directive and unresponsive - are the most prone to act out bullying behavior.

"Children who experience hostility, abuse, physical discipline and other aggressive behaviors by their parents are more likely to model that behavior in their peer relationships," Sweeney wrote. "Children learn from their parents how to behave and interact with others. So if they're learning about aggression and angry words at home, they will tend to use these behaviors as coping mechanisms when they interact with their peers."

Sweeney adds that it is the tolerance of bullying that "has served as one of the primary contributors to its persistence and severity." She advocates research to investigate more deeply the issues of bullying, including in-depth interviews with children, families and school officials.

Other research, at the University of Washington and Indiana University conducted a study in the USA that examined the relationship of violent parents and the effects of the child becoming a bully at school. Researchers collected data from an ongoing Seattle Social Development Project and the Intergenerational Projects. The researchers studied a total of 112 children aged 6 to 13 years of age.

34% of the children in this group had bullied another child, while 73% of the children said they had been the target of a bully in the previous year. Out of the bully group, almost all of them, 97%, said they had also been bullied.

Dr Nerissa Bauer, lead author of the study, said: "Children learn from seeing what their primary caregivers do. They are very attuned and very observant about what goes on in a household"

"This study supports the idea that parental violence can lead to violence between children and their peers," said Todd Herrenkohl, a University of Washington Associate Professor of Social work and co-author of a paper published in the journal Pediatrics. "Children develop a mindset when they see how parents deal with problems. It is a script based on early observations in the home."

Bullying occurs when one person who is more powerful than another uses that power to abuse, denigrate or control the other. The power may come from being stronger, bigger, louder or simply seeming to be more confident.

Sweeney's research would appear to support the widely held belief that often a Bully in school is a Target at home. Children who bully thrive on controlling or dominating others because they have frequently been the victims of physical abuse or bullying themselves.

Dr Bauer says: "Parents are very powerful role models and children will mimic the behavior of parents, wanting to be like them. They may believe violence is OK and they can use it with peers. After all, they may think, 'If Daddy can do this, perhaps I can hit this kid to get my way.' When parents engage in violence, children may assume violence is the right way to do things," she said.

Dr Bauer's study also looked at what causes a child to bully, and her findings also support Sweeney's study. They believe that there is a connection with domestic violence that causes children to bully at school.

The research concluded that girls were involved in a higher rate of bullying than boys. They accounted for 61% of the reported acts of aggression. Girls are also more likely to be the victims of a bully. However, the researchers concluded that name calling is not related to domestic violence at home.

Bauer advises that physicians and teachers should be aware that when children display bullying behaviour that there is the possibility of domestic violence in the family. However, Bauer does emphasise that not all bullies come from violent families.

The parents of bullies are often aggressive and act out their frustrations in the home, frequently with violence. Discipline is usually physical, and the child learns that that violence and threats are acceptable means of getting what they want.

But the schools themselves have to be so careful about attributing the wrong reasons when trying to rationalise why a particular child is a Bully and it is also important not to automatically assume that a child is being bullied at home.

Bullying can also result from a child reacting against sudden changes, such as a new carer, their parents may have split up, a new baby in the home, or a change in schools. Some children will bully "because they can" or because they are insecure due to other reasons.

Dr Anne-Renee Testa is a renowned psychologist who has this to say about why children who are bullied by a parent can turn into bullies themselves:

"When children are bullied by a parent, or observe one parent bullying the other, they experience all kinds of guilt, shame, fear, anger, and confusion; but different children deal with these awful feelings, these unhealthy role models, in different ways.

Many children think they deserve the abuse they're subjected to. This is because they have no other reality to compare their experiences to. They think it's normal. They turn those stored feelings of rage, hurt, and hate against themselves. These people have unconsciously internalized the message they received at the hands of their bullying parents, that bullying and abuse are what they deserve and, just as unconsciously, they will put up with (and even seek out) bullying in their relationships - seeking out the sort of treatment they're used to, even if it's miserable, because it's familiar and as a result, in some perverse way, comfortable. This is one manifestation of the rage of generations.

On the other hand, some children deal with bullying in a very different way. Faced with a rageful, controlling, or otherwise bullying parent who rules the roost, a child might begin to see bullying behaviour as normal, and an effective way to gain power in relationships. These children unconsciously identify with the bullying parent and ultimately they begin unconsciously mimicking that behaviour, becoming bullies themselves. This is another manifestation of the rage of generations."

Bullying is a problem in many schools, so I don't think the problems at my daughter's school are any worse than most schools. What differentiates the schools is how each deals with it.

We have had first hand experience of bullying at school, specifically involving three different girls. Two "worked together" until one left and the other continued on her own. I have personally witnessed one girl's mother being verbally aggressive to her daughter (as have other people) and the girl's grandmother being extremely rude and unpleasant to a shop assistant.

When we had problems with this girl bullying our daughter, the mother refused to accept anything the school said and also withdrew her daughter from group sessions that were arranged to try and resolve the situation. I did express concern that, although this girl was making our lives a misery, I was worried for her welfare but am not aware that any action was taken or investigations conducted. It is also interesting that the girl's older brother has a reputation for causing trouble at his school.

While I know the other girl's mother, who is very pleasant, I have witnessed the girl's father being verbally aggressive to her mother. He also has a reputation for being very controlling.

The third girl again has a very nice mother. I do not know the father as he left not long after his daughter was born. This child has a very visible disability and the children in the class have learned to be extremely sensitive and considerate to this girl's needs. Sadly, this has resulted in her becoming controlling and manipulative. Because of the disability, children and parents find it hard to make complaints about her.

Of the boys that bully, I am aware of at least two cases where the parents are what you can only call a "total nightmare". They have no respect for anyone and refuse to accept that their sons are bullies. They have also been abusive towards the parents of the child their sons were bullying.

So do I believe that generally bullying runs in families? Do I believe that in the majority of cases bullying is "learned behaviour"? I certainly do!

It is claimed that Michael Landon was frequently humiliated by his mother when he developed a bed-wetting problem. After he grew up and left home he had little contact with his mother; he considered her neurotic and a manic-depressive. On the day of his marriage to his first wife Dodie his mother threatened him with a knife and tried to commit him to a mental hospital.

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According to website Suite 101, Aileen Joyce, author of the book Michael Landon: His Triumph and Tragedy, often emphasizes Landon's TV shows were a way for him to work through his painful past and influence others to overcome their problems. Joyce was of the view that Landon's move beyond acting into Directing and Production was a need for control connected to his troubled childhood.

In the October 2008 edition of the CSMA Magazine, Rachel Roberts interviews Richard Madeley, who with his wife Judy Finnegan, rules the British daytime TV airwaves with their popular early evening show "Richard and Judy". The purpose of the interview is to discuss Madeley's book: "Fathers & Sons".

In his book Madeley tells how his Grandfather was abandoned by his family at the age of 10 while they sailed to Canada for a new life and he stayed behind to work for his uncle on his farm.

Madeley's father suffered when he was sent away to "an awful" Boarding School and when Richard was young he was subjected to beatings from his father. Madeley says that the rages happened during a "phase my Dad went through....But then he came to his senses, apologised, and it never happened again".

There are no reports of Madeley himself being a bully, so this would appear to be a clear case of someone able to leave their past behind.

It can be very hard when frustration boils over. This is a summary of an article in the Daily Star, which is an example of what can happen when a normally non-bullying parent loses control.

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A controversial new book claims that John Lennon shouted so loudly at his son Sean, that he had to be rushed to hospital to repair his damaged hearing. Author and biographer Philip Norman makes his claim in the book John Lennon: The Life.

Sean Lennon claims that his father screamed into his ear during a fit of temper. Sean says: "[He was] teaching me how to cut and eat steak, which was a mystery to me at age four; how to stick the fork in and cut behind it, and that was how you got a piece in your mouth. I think it was that night when he got very upset with me, I think because of something I did very cheekily with the steak. He did wind up yelling at me very, very loudly to the point where he damaged my ear, and I had to go to the hospital."

But the 32-year-old admits his father was mortified by his own actions, adding: "I remember when I was lying on the floor and hurting, and him holding me and saying, 'I'm so sorry'. He did have a temper."

In the UK: 16 - 19 November 2009

The theme: "Cyberbullying"

Does your school ever get involved in Anti-Bullying Week?
If not, then ask them why!

"Some kids learn to bully because they have been subjected to mean, unfair treatment themselves - by others or by their families. That's sad, but it's no excuse. Everyone can choose to act in new and better ways. It's never too late."

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