A Dose of Laughter - Get Yours Here!

1. Read all directions before doing anything.
2. on a sheet of notebook paper, write your name in the upper left hand corner.
3. Number from 1 to 7, leaving three blank lines between each number
4. Draw five small squares to the right of the number 1 on your paper
5. Put an X in each square beside number 1 on you paper
6. Draw a circle around number 2 on your paper
7. Draw an X next to the number 5 on your paper.
8. Multiply your age by 3 and record the answer next to the number 7 on your paper
9. Beside number 4, write today's date
10. Beside number 5, write the city and state where you were born.
11. Say your name outloud.
12.Count the number of persons in the room and write your answer next to number 6 on your page.
13. Say out loud, "I have reached number 12 and I am following all of the directions carefully".
14. Now that you have completed reading all of the directions, write your name in the upper right hand corner of this paper. Do not do items 1-13. Sit quietly until the rest of the class completes the work.

Hand Prints on the Wall

One day as I was picking the toys up off the floor,
I noticed a small hand print. I knew that it was something, that I'd seen most every day.

But this time when I saw it there, I wanted it to stay. Then tears welled up inside my eyes, I knew
it wouldn't last, for every mother knows, her children grow up way too fast.

Just then I put my chores aside and held my children tight. I sang to them sweet lullabies and rocked into the night. Sometimes we take for granted. all those things that seem so small.

Like one of God's great treasures, a small handprint on the wall.

Author Unknown

GROWING OLDER

Writting to a friend - a little mixed up!
Just a note to say I'm living.
That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
and more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can't remember,
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,.
If I must go up for something,
or I've just come down from there.

And before the frig so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put some food away,
Or have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is dark out,
with night cap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed.

So it's my turn to write you
There'sno need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore.

So remember, I do love you
and i wish that you were here.
But no it's nearly mail time
So I must say "good bye, dear".

P.S.
There I stood beside the mail box
With my face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter,
I have opened it instead!

Author Unknown

1. Don't miss the boat
2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead..it wasn't rainging when Noah built the ark
4. Stay fit...When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big!
5. Don't listen to critics - just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your furture on high ground
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage - the snails were on the board along with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed - float awhile.
11. Remember, the ark was built by amateurs - the Titanic was built by professionals.
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm.
13. No matter the storm..when you're one with God, there's a rainbow waiting.

We spend so much time at work, there is so little time to do what we need for ourselves! However, did you know that you are loosing weight at work? Yes, you are and the best thing is...now that you know you are, you can do even more of those work activities that burn those unwanted calories! Loose while you work - can't get much better than that!

Here is the calorie count for 3 ways to loose weight at work.

Calorie-Consuming Communication

Beating around the bush.......75
Jumping to conclusions....100
Passing the buck .....25
Putting your foot inyour mouth....300
Hitting the nail on the head......50
Bending over backwards.....75
Jumping on the bandwagon....200
Tooting your own horn....25
Climbing the ladder of success ....750

Aerobic Altercations

Adding fuel to the fire.....160
Eating crow.....225
Pushing your luck....250
Swallowing your pride.....50
Opening a can of worms....50
Making mountains out of mole hills...500
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) 50-300
Counting chickens before they hatch...6

Boredom Butt-Blasters

Climbing the walls...150
Wading through paperwork...300
Running around in circles...350
Dragging your heels....100
Balancing the books....25
Going over the edge....25
Calling it quits....2

So you think you know the English language, do you? Did you know it was so funny? Then I guess you don't know the English language as well as you thought! "Tongue twisters" come to mind!
...Start laughing....

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse the refuse.
The solider decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
A dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
The lady sewer lost her cross stitch down the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

Anyone need an ice pack for their headache?

Life is easy - understanding it is the hard part!

1. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?
3. What do chickens think we taste like?
4. What do people in China call their "good" plates?
5. What do you call a male ladybug?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
7. when dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
8. Why didn't Noah swat thsoe two mosquitoes?
9. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
10. Why is it called "tourist season" if we can't shoot them?
11. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
12. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
13. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
14. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
15. Why are cigarettes sold at gas statinos where smoking is prohibited?
16.Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
17. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
18. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the doors?
19. Why is a bra singular and panites plural?
20. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? WHy don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
21.If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
22. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
23. If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
24. Why do they put Braille dots on a keyboard of a drive-up ATM?
25. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
26. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
27. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
28. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
29. Is con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
30. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the"terminal"?

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington DC at Christmas time. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have no been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three chidren were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the house, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and piles of clothing and no one was there.

In the kichen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door, which stood open.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and piles of clothes. He noticed that the bathroom had towels on the floor and the tub was still full of water and the sink counter was littered with toiletries. He went on, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pahamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes." was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it".

(Author unknown)