Raising Boys Who Will Talk To You When You Are Old!

Don't let anger go unresolved. Unresolved anger takes hold of the heart and hardens it. Parents especially, need to be sensitive to attitudes and behaviors that anger their children. Take the time to let your son tell you what you've done that's bugged him recently. Listen with an open mind. Resist the urge to defend yourself or explain why you did something. Just listen and let your son know that you understand why he would be angry, and ask for forgiveness. Once he knows you will listen and not justify your actions, he may be more open to hearing your reasons for doing so. Be especially humble if you realize that you acted out of selfish motive or you were angry yourself. Pull the cork out of the anger bucket and watch your son soften towards you. You'll know he's angry if he withdraws physically, emotionally, or spiritually. These are warning signs that his heart may be hardening towards you due to unresolved anger.

None of my boys are chatterboxes. During their teenage years, I would sometimes wonder if they secretly took a vow of silence. Getting a conversation going was like trying to start a fire with flint and a piece of celery. But when they did want to talk, the pace was very slow, getting acclimated to very cold ocean water. They'd put their toe in and quickly draw it back. Then the foot, and wait until it wasn't so shocking. Then wade out a bit, very tentatively. Eventually, they'd take the plunge and tolerate the pain until they went numb, then try and get them out! Our conversations went like that. First a comment. Then silence. Then, if I didn't start in with the preaching, another comment. If the response was not threatening, perhaps they'd ask a question. Again, they were checking to see how much of a soapbox I might be on that day. If they felt safe enough, the real issue might come up and we'd be able to talk together about it. But if I ever starting with the lecture or a judgemental attitude, they would quickly shut down and that would be the end of it. Except, they might go away angry that I wasn't listening and then I have to follow-up with even more empathy. So now I'm not afraid of the silence that punctuates many of our heart-to-hearts.