LOST: My Mojo

Why is this time different?
Why does this feel worse than any other time?

And so began one of many vicious circles: the cost of medication depletes my bank account, which in turn heads me towards depression, which requires medication for recovery, which costs me money, which depletes my bank account.

You get the idea.

• I stopped buying meats and cheeses from the deli. This is of course one of the many ironies I confront. I'm no longer able to afford to buy things from the deli. Instead, I have to slice the meat and cheese for other people to buy.
• I increased the time between hair cuts. Instead of every 6-8 weeks, it's more like 10-12 weeks. This has a negative affect on my hair stylist since I'm not the only one who gets fewer hair cuts.
• We stopped getting pizza Friday nights. For years that was our routine and we looked forward to it. Now we wait for Papa Murphys to have their $5 specials and get them on their terms.
• We stopped going to the movies. At work recently, a young co-worker asked what was the last movie I'd seen. I said, "The Long, Long Trailer. It was on TMC last night."

• We curtailed long trips. No more casual driving. No more weekend trips or sightseeing. As much as we love the beach, the 4-hour drive and the associated gasoline is just too expensive.
• I cancelled my dental checkup. Some people might not see the problem here but I do. I've been going to the dentist every six months for years. My teeth are in okay shape but as I get older I know the problems will increase. Cancelling my appointment was an extremely difficult decision to make. The phone call was worse. It's still traumatic to me. Not just missing the appointment, but the fact that I chose that as a cost-saving measure.
• I won't be going to my 30th college reunion. The reunion is in October. I already have two other major trips planned, a two-week beach trip (like the one we did last year) and a one-week trip with Mother and sister to the Grand Canyon. Adding a third trip with airfare, rental car, hotel, dining, and reunion events is out of the question. I was looking forward to it too. I went to the 25th reunion and had a wonderful time with my small group of friend. I'm coming to grips with that decision this very week.

• Donating to charity or any other causes. Victims of earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, and famine can't count on me for help.
• No new fancy cell phone. And by "fancy" I mean anything that involves a contract. Forget the touch screen phones. I have a Go-Phone.
• No iPad or Tablet I wanted one to help me with my web design business. I know that web sites look different on a tablet and I wanted to have one so I could make sure my web designs display correctly.
• No new car. I test drove several cars and had just reached a decision on one when I realized that my income just won't support it. My current car still operates okay so it's not urgent just yet. Just disappointing.
• No vacation clothes.We're going to the beach for two weeks and I'm not even looking at shorts, socks, or undies.

• Selling them on eBay, Amazon, or Craigslist may not net any money.
• A yard sale? Maybe. I hate the haggling part though.
• Donate? Initially it seems like a good idea but when I've brought stuff to a donation place the people just throw it with other people's junky stuff. I wonder, do the "needy" people really receive it?

• I'm 52 years old now, and spent most of it as an architect. I went to an exceptional design school in the northeast and worked at a large architectural firm in central Texas for 17 years. For the most part, I liked it. However, I think what I liked most about it was analyzing problems, establishing systems, managing big projects and large teams, organizing all the data, and producing a finished product.


• In 2008 when the Principals of the firm were getting ready and the newbies were coming in, I really felt it was time for me to go. The old regime was out and the new one was coming in. I was part of the old regime. In preparation for this changing of the guard, I did extensive self-analysis to figure out what I wanted to do next. When I hit on Technical Writing, I felt like I had unlocked a secret passage to the rest of my life. It all made sense and I began to pursue a career change. No, not a change, a career shift.

• I landed my first gig doing technical writing for a local company that writes custom software. Even though I didn't understand their language or their process, I felt ready to give it a try. I worked there from June to December. I did okay with writing their office policy manual and new employee information, but I'm embarrassed to admit here, for the first time in print, that I was not successful with their other documents. Apparently it was so bad that one of their major clients was almost ready to release them from their contract. Instead, I was released and they saved face. I understand why it happened. I was in over my head. The real tragedy is the way I let it erode at my confidence. Instead of my inner voice saying what good work I did to have gone into a completely different field and written their office documents, all I heard was how bad my work was and how could I have ever thought I could do this. I let it consume me. I left that company quietly, tail between my legs, and haven't contacted them since. I managed to connect with some of them via LinkedIn but for the most part, I've burned that bridge.


• Just before that all came crashing down I had started thinking about getting more involved in web design. I thought I would combine my architectural background to provide technical writing services to architects. I thought I could help them write better project descriptions for their websites. I decided it would be a good idea to know how to talk to web designers so I signed up for a few classes at the local community college. By the time the first course started (it was a course in C++ which is a computer code) I was no longer at that software company. I had signed for that class thinking it would help me communicate with them better (which it would have, had I still been working with them).

• I found out I loved doing web design. I loved writing the code and designing the pages. These are skills I used alot as an architect - the technical side and the design side. At the community college I was attending, the Technical Writing classes often were cancelled because there weren't enough students to fill them. The web design classes were much more available so I made another career shift and pursued a certificate in web design.

• I had virtually no income in 2009. My business income was only for the year 2008. By 2009 I was in school pursuing my web design certificate and I had no other source of income. Fortunately, my brief time with the software company filled my bank account with enough money to cover my expenses for 2009 and 2010. In July 2010, I started to panic about my lack of income. I was driving a 1997 Nissan that was in okay shape but would need replacement soon. Even though my bank accounts were in good shape, I knew that to get a loan, I would need to show actual income - and income for six months.

• I applied for a job at my local grocery store. It's less than a mile away, I shop there, and I could see myself working there. They had several positions open - all very low paying, low skilled manual labor jobs - and I submitted an application. I didn't expect anything to happen and yet it did. I submitted the application on Sunday, received a phone call on Monday, had my interview on Tuesday, received a call back on Wednesday saying I was hired, and filled out the new employee paperwork on Thursday. I started working the following Monday, August 16.


• I can't believe I've been working at the Deli for a full year. I thought I would be out by now. I thought I would have secured some contracts doing web design, got a car loan and bought a car, and resume shopping at the Deli, not working there.


• I'm realizing now that I can't leave the deli just yet because I still need the income. It's actually a miniscule amount for the amount of work my body has to go through. The pay is only $9.27 an hour. Calculate that out and ask yourself how many hours per week would you have to work to cover your expenses. My body can only take three days a week of this grueling work. I seriously don't know how some of my co-workers have been doing this work for 40 hours a week year after year.

The further I got away from my beach house dream, the more ridiculous it sounded. How could I ever afford to buy a house on the beach? What was I thinking?

My own lack of confidence in myself creates hurdles for myself that can feel impossible to overcome.