Who is Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.