Emotional Infidelity Overview
Hey, we're just friends!
Back off is the message!
It starts out innocently enough. They may work together. Maybe neighbors. Maybe they serve on a civic or church committee together. Perhaps the children are involved in the same athletic/music event.
They meet. They talk. They Talk...and talk...and talk. More time together. More talk.
But, we're just friends.
But, to you, it doesn't FEEL like just friends.
They have an "emotional connection" that is obvious to you and others.
They see nothing wrong with it. Why is everyone so upset? We just talk. No sex. No touching. Nothing.
With this relational stalemate, several problems emerge:
1. Where do you/they draw the line? When is time together too much time together? When are intimate conversations too frequent. Where is the line? Real fuzzy. It's like trying to pin the tail on the donkey after twirling around a dozen times.
2. A good balance between family responsibilities, social life and self care is trashed. Their "friendship" moves to center stage.
3. In reality, relationships stagnate and never become fully emotionally consummated. They remain connected as "friends," but do not face the challenges of life with it's thrills/agony/conflict/joy. As well, s/he distances and ceases pursuing deeper intimacy in the marriage.
4. Just friends, means, like I said before: Stay away! This may mean: "I'm confused. I've lost my bearings. I'm clueless about what is vitally important to me. I fear intimacy - but want to feel good (as in "close to someone.")
[The emotional affair is a combination of 2 of the affairs I outline in my ebook: "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love" and "I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy."]
OK, let's ramp it up a notch.
It moves from "just friends" to the day when s/he says to you: "You know, I've been thinking and this is difficult for me to say, but, "I find that I love you, but am not 'in love' with you anymore."
The emotional infidelity may move to having an emotional lover in which sex may or may not occur.
However, the attention, the collusion, the entanglement and the clinginess is intensified.
The intensified attraction may indicate:
1. Your spouse has a need for drama and excitement - likes the juice of a soap opera. Raising children, getting groceries, working to pay the bills, walking the dog, picking up after the dog is too hum-drum. The word "feel" is used a great deal.
2. Self esteem is in question. S/he wants an ideal who will mirror back to him/her exactly what s/he wants (and needs!) to hear - so s/he can feel better.
3. The other person become his/her world - since s/he lacks a solid identity and inner core. The other becomes his/her world because s/he lacks a world. Gosh, being "in love" takes care of everything!
Back off is the message!
It starts out innocently enough. They may work together. Maybe neighbors. Maybe they serve on a civic or church committee together. Perhaps the children are involved in the same athletic/music event.
They meet. They talk. They Talk...and talk...and talk. More time together. More talk.
But, we're just friends.
But, to you, it doesn't FEEL like just friends.
They have an "emotional connection" that is obvious to you and others.
They see nothing wrong with it. Why is everyone so upset? We just talk. No sex. No touching. Nothing.
With this relational stalemate, several problems emerge:
1. Where do you/they draw the line? When is time together too much time together? When are intimate conversations too frequent. Where is the line? Real fuzzy. It's like trying to pin the tail on the donkey after twirling around a dozen times.
2. A good balance between family responsibilities, social life and self care is trashed. Their "friendship" moves to center stage.
3. In reality, relationships stagnate and never become fully emotionally consummated. They remain connected as "friends," but do not face the challenges of life with it's thrills/agony/conflict/joy. As well, s/he distances and ceases pursuing deeper intimacy in the marriage.
4. Just friends, means, like I said before: Stay away! This may mean: "I'm confused. I've lost my bearings. I'm clueless about what is vitally important to me. I fear intimacy - but want to feel good (as in "close to someone.")
[The emotional affair is a combination of 2 of the affairs I outline in my ebook: "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love" and "I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy."]
OK, let's ramp it up a notch.
It moves from "just friends" to the day when s/he says to you: "You know, I've been thinking and this is difficult for me to say, but, "I find that I love you, but am not 'in love' with you anymore."
The emotional infidelity may move to having an emotional lover in which sex may or may not occur.
However, the attention, the collusion, the entanglement and the clinginess is intensified.
The intensified attraction may indicate:
1. Your spouse has a need for drama and excitement - likes the juice of a soap opera. Raising children, getting groceries, working to pay the bills, walking the dog, picking up after the dog is too hum-drum. The word "feel" is used a great deal.
2. Self esteem is in question. S/he wants an ideal who will mirror back to him/her exactly what s/he wants (and needs!) to hear - so s/he can feel better.
3. The other person become his/her world - since s/he lacks a solid identity and inner core. The other becomes his/her world because s/he lacks a world. Gosh, being "in love" takes care of everything!
Table of Contents
"The odds of saving your marriage as a result of full blown emotional infidelity are 6 out of 10."
Emotional Infidelity: How to Save Your Marriage
What to do when you find out your spouse is involved in an emotional affair
Discovering that your spouse is "in love" with another person is shocking. I hear, "I believe I can live with him/her having sex with another person. But, when s/he gives him/herself to someone emotionally, that's a different story."
What can you say, what can you convey to drastically better the odds of rebuilding the relationship or marriage?
Frequently the betrayed spouse is flooded with powerful negative feelings and obsesses how to "win him/her back."
S/he applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in his/her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to his/her family and friends. Calls him/her on the phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. S/he is on him/her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason s/he has found all the stimulation and excitement s/he supposedly needs in his/her new found "love."
At a deeper level this excessive behavior is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and s/he is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, s/he is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold him/her firm when the
wind of drama entices him/her and blows around him/her.
If you bombard him/her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help him/her in ways s/he really seeks.
S/he might, with more intensity, begin comparing you to the other person. Your chances of losing and experiencing more pain are increased dramatically when your neediness comes seeping out of your every pore. Sorry!
Consider this stategy to address the problem and give you a better than average chance of saving your relationship.It's called "back off!"
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The "romance" will eventually fizzle and become tepid.
S/he needs the space. S/he needs some quiet moments to truly hear him/herself and face the emptiness within. S/he will be aware of a part of him/her that states, "This is only temporary. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the
real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I experienced this knot in my stomach when s/he is absent? What does this say about me?"
This is his/her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don't get in his/her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. Learning to calm yourself, monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions is paramount in helping you follow the path that will get you the best relational and personal results.
In my coaching practice at, often at this point, I teach a pivotal skill called, "charging neutral" which enables a person to "back off" effectively." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - apart from what s/he does with her/him - that you build a strong
foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
Learning how to charge neutral provides a myriad of possibilities for you to expand your self and your world.
Oh, by the way. S/he will notice! And....s/he might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don't have anything to do with him/her. Quite the contrary. You need to maintain a connection to him/her and you want that connection to be sound and healthy. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
What can you say, what can you convey to drastically better the odds of rebuilding the relationship or marriage?
Frequently the betrayed spouse is flooded with powerful negative feelings and obsesses how to "win him/her back."
S/he applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in his/her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to his/her family and friends. Calls him/her on the phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. S/he is on him/her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason s/he has found all the stimulation and excitement s/he supposedly needs in his/her new found "love."
At a deeper level this excessive behavior is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and s/he is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, s/he is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold him/her firm when the
wind of drama entices him/her and blows around him/her.
If you bombard him/her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help him/her in ways s/he really seeks.
S/he might, with more intensity, begin comparing you to the other person. Your chances of losing and experiencing more pain are increased dramatically when your neediness comes seeping out of your every pore. Sorry!
Consider this stategy to address the problem and give you a better than average chance of saving your relationship.It's called "back off!"
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The "romance" will eventually fizzle and become tepid.
S/he needs the space. S/he needs some quiet moments to truly hear him/herself and face the emptiness within. S/he will be aware of a part of him/her that states, "This is only temporary. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the
real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I experienced this knot in my stomach when s/he is absent? What does this say about me?"
This is his/her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don't get in his/her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. Learning to calm yourself, monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions is paramount in helping you follow the path that will get you the best relational and personal results.
In my coaching practice at, often at this point, I teach a pivotal skill called, "charging neutral" which enables a person to "back off" effectively." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - apart from what s/he does with her/him - that you build a strong
foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
Learning how to charge neutral provides a myriad of possibilities for you to expand your self and your world.
Oh, by the way. S/he will notice! And....s/he might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don't have anything to do with him/her. Quite the contrary. You need to maintain a connection to him/her and you want that connection to be sound and healthy. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Links
- Break Free From the Affair
- Learn how to cope with infidelity, with Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach.
- Infidelity Help
- Infidelity help to survive and deal with an extramarital affair.
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- qlcoach qlcoach Aug 16, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
- We are learning more and more about the power of emotional addictions. Your lens is helpful and encouraging. Please see how I am try to help others too:http://www.squidoo.com/ebyway
Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist
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Reply
- DavePatrick DavePatrick Aug 16, 2008 @ 11:24 am
- Getting the trust back after an affair is one of the hardest tests life can throw at you, some never manage to. I think it can go either way but which ever way that happens to be, be in it 100% better that than the land of limbo for the rest of your life.
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Reply
- bubba bubba Jul 9, 2008 @ 12:30 am
- i think the emotional affair is the worse. My husband of 25 years thought our neighbor had more in common with him than I did. They got caught by her husband and he had to come clean to me. They say it was phone calls, and there were plenty. They would talk every night and day 7-10 times and each call was anywhere from 4-22 minutes long. He was suppose to be my soul mate and my partner for life but when I needed him the most, he was too busy with his new found friend.
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Reply
- BooBooBear BooBooBear May 20, 2008 @ 7:03 am
- Thank you for joining the Best Self Help Books group.
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Reply
- april april May 13, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
- My husband of 5 years had sexual relationship with a girl that he knew just for less than a day. He even took her in our old bed. He had never seen or heard of her before. He came clean a week later. How can I ever trust again. I need some help & advise
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Reply
- Bleeding Heart Bleeding Heart Mar 30, 2008 @ 10:27 pm
- My husband had an emotional affair that grew into a full blown affair, complete with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" moment. There are no words to describe my pain during the next 9 months of his affair. Finally, when I was strong enough to leave and started making plans to do so, he ended the affair. Now two years later I can see it starting again with another woman. It's agonizing to see the man I love have so little self-esteem, even though I do my best to reinforce him at every turn. The symptoms he displays of an emotional affair are talking at length about the woman for a while, and then suddenly stopping. He'll accidentally mention little things that I am now attuned to realizing mean he is spending far more time with her than he will admit. Any attempt to discuss this would lead to a blow; I'm simply charging neutral and giving him the chance to work it out. My expectations are low however, and I hate the sick feeling of going thru all the pain again!
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Reply
- Char Char Mar 12, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
- My husband had an emotional affair. He has broken all contact with her & is working very hard on trying to work on our marriage & gaining back my trust. I am having such a hard time getting through this. I made him drive me to her house as I had to see her face & tell her to stay out of my marriage. It turned ugly, but I do feel better that I got to punch her lights out.He got to see her for what she really was & now is ashamed of himself for allowing such a manipulating person try & put herself where she was not welcome. He says it was exciting & at first he thought harmless flirting, he cannot answer why he did not stop when she initiated the sexual comments. He says he something was missing in our marriage & it felt good to have another woman give him the attention like I used to. One day I want to make it work & the other I want a divorce. Sometimes I look at him & want to punch him & the next I want to jump in his arms and never let go. I don't know how people get through this.
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Reply
- randy smith randy smith Mar 10, 2008 @ 10:37 am
- 0 believe me...I could very much speak to this...my husband of more than 30 years has had a number of emotional/sexual affairs....since Aug of 05 he has been "clean"..only because the 1 girl broke it off.. I have to keep checking with my p i..I would LOVE to get out of this marriage...I have had 6 surgeries since May...4 for breast cancer..(I need medical coverage)....I filed for divorce in '03 , I could not deal with it anymore....he is still here...we went to counseling at his request... I put the divorce on hold....it didn't stop him from lying....he has NPD.(with romance addiction)..so he lies pathologically....worse yet...all of his involvements weren't just with women..and those he was with don't know about the men..... THIS is the clean stuff...there was way more that he did on my children's computer...certainly not what a good father, good husband orlaw abiding citizen would do...he ended up having to steal the harddrive.........to cover
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Reply
- Deborah Deborah Mar 5, 2008 @ 11:32 am
- Well, somehow I pulled this weird and horrid mess out of the muck and my cheating spouse has cut off all contact with his "love" and is showing up in couples counseling (with a top, experienced excellent and patient therapist). My spouse is also in personal counseling to see why his made such a mess of his life and mine. i don't know the end result but working on me and planning my future without him seems to have slowed him down and put him in a rational frame of mind.
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Reply
- Jon Jon Mar 5, 2008 @ 7:52 am
- My wife of one year is having an emotional affair with her abusive ex-husband (divorced for 10 years!). She now wants to leave me to put their family "back together", their youngest child is 28! And "back together" is crazy talk as he was physically and verbally abusive, emotionallt detached, etc. I am at wit's end, this has been going on for 6 months! I have tried what you suggest to no avail, I think she has a mental/emotional disorder and refuses go to counseling, although in our premarital counseling we committed to go to counseling if any problems arose. Sadly I think I am going to have to end our marriage... I have appreicated your counsel, but it doesn't seem to trump this situation. Thanks for your help, honestly...
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