Entertaining Euphemisms

Today, the word "fat" has been banished from our vocabulary except when referring to those with lots of green backs stuffed in their portly posteriors or gold coins in their gluteus maximus.

So, what words can we use instead"? Well, thankfully, there are many from which to choose:

-- a person of size, ample amusement, a few extra pounds (usually found as a description in dating profiles)
-- big-boned or buxom babe (often a description of a female vocalist)
-- chubby or chunky (babies or chocolate bars)
-- corpulent, cuddly and curvy (females)
-- fluffy, full-bodied, full-figured (female)
-- girth-control challenged or gravitationally-challenged (people)
-- gargantuan (big piece of property or product)
-- generously-proportioned or gently-rounded (people)
-- hefty (large reliable PVC garbage bags)
-- heavyset, heavyweight, husky-build (boxers, weight-lifters, wrestlers, truck-drivers)
-- ladies with love-handles or larger feminine form (females)
-- more of me to love (large Lotharios and wide wenches)
-- obese, overweight
-- paunchy, pleasingly plump, plentiful, porcine, portly, potbellied (people)
-- plus-sized or prime figures (clothing or people)
-- queen-sized (mattresses & beds)
-- robust, rounded, rotund or Rubenesque (people)
-- stocky or stout build (people)
-- super-sized (meals)
-- X-large (clothing)
_______________

Image Credit: skydancingblog.com/klarcs-fat-cat-cartoon1

He once applied for a job...but possessing an intellect rivalled only by garden tools, regrettably he did not qualify for the entry-level position in the cutting-edge and highly competitive field of talking to plastic plants let alone watering them.

"Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck,
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.
So Dancer and Prancer, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that really looked stupid!

The runners were removed from Santa's fine sleigh;
And the struts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
Some people had started to call for the cops
When they heard funny noises on their rooftops.
And second-hand smoke from his pipe left workers quite frightened.
And his fur trimmed red suit was deemed "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose.
He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer took off with his wife,
Who knew she'd had quite enough of this strife.

She joined a self-help group, and became quite a whiz,
Demanding from now on to be called just "Ms."
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause this commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth,
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

In the world of political correctness, inspired by a deep desire to be as "inoffensive" as possible, the word "Christmas", let alone "crackers", has for all intents and purposes been banished. In it's place, we have a better brand of bland, blah or downright balmy-- take your pick! And, you can forget about "Jack Frost nipping at your door", because he's now known as a "person of snow" you know.

If truth be told, as long as respectful retailers offer us meaningless merchandise occasions, including a secular symbol like Santa to sell stuff, consumers will be happy.

So, in case you're stuck for words or knowing what to say, you've got plenty of entertaining euphemisms for this festive time of year and all that goes with it:

"I'm pleased to see that the Secular Seasonal Spirit is alive and well!", "Happy Hanukkah", "Happy Kwanza", "Happy Holidays", "Happy Respect for the Mid-Life, Aged and New Born Day", "Have a Happy Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday", "Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter", "From Santa Claus -- A purely platonic expression of innoffensive mutual affection!", "Season's Greetings", "Wishing You and Yours a Whateveryouwannakah", "Hope you're enjoying a wonderful Winter Wonderland!", or just "Merry Mythmas".

Oh, and don't forget to say how much you appreciate that "tacky trinket tree" in the mall, in your neighobors back yard, or in the office.