Entertainment
Enter the Laughter
#2578 in Entertainment
Rating:
(by 19 people)
Your rating:
(by 19 people)
Your rating:
I love to laugh. I love life, even when it bites me in the ass.
I write humorously about laughing at ass-bites, 'cause I get a lot of them.
I'm writing a novel, do online auctions, occasional newspaper articles, and messages to amuse my friends.
I have a lot of bad stuff happen to me, so there is a ready supply of subject matter - LOL!
Enter the Laughter Blog
Tragic tales to make you laugh
Hi!
I am a wife, mother, friend, humor columnist, online retailer, aspiring novelist, and pumpkin farmer... a woman who is trying to do ten things at once, but only succeeding at about half of them! These are the most current entries from my blog.
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byBlog and Squidoo Awards
APRIL 19, 2007I was awarded a "Thinking Blogger Award"!
Ya know those days when you say, "What did I do to deserve this?"
I'm having a good one. Really. (Crowd gasps, the weak-of-heart faint dead away.)
I was selected by not one, but TWO fabulous blogging buddies to receive a, "Thinking Blogger Award".
Lens of the Day 4/19/07
People Who Matter - Marti Lawrence
I am thrilled! Please stop by and say hello!
Thanks!
Perfect Post Award
I am so honored!
Old Horsetail Snake selected one of my posts to win the "Perfect Post Award"!
Thank you, Gene!
Old Horsetail Snake selected one of my posts to win the "Perfect Post Award"!
Thank you, Gene!
Jokes AUGUST 2006
Sharing a little laughter
- 8/10/06 100 YEAR-OLD TWINS
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100-year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD! BOTH OF US?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 8/17/06 DRIVING AWARD
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart aleck when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy in the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 8/24/06 BOOGERS
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 8/31/06 BLONDE IN THE CASINO
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. Then she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes".
Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes SEPTEMBER 2006
Sharing more laughter
- 9/7/06 HOWARD'S VOICES
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering, "But Howard, you're a veterinarian."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 9/14/06 BIRD TAGS
To tag migrating birds, the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
That was until the agency received the following letter from a camper:
Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 9/21/06 SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids'names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 9/28/06 BATHTUB MENTAL HEALTH TEST
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Now, do you want a bed near the door or the window?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Motherhood is Funny
Don't let parenting drive you crazy! Show the world you can laugh at the insanity!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
Mothers are Fonder Value T-shirt
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
Aristotle
Value T-Shirt
Keep Kids Home Women's Cap Sleeve T-Shirt
The best way to keep children home is to make the house atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.
~ Dorothy Parker
Women's Cap Sleeve T-Shirt
Having Children Hooded Sweatshirt
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Clever saying for true, caring parents. T Shirts, sweats, gifts
Hooded Sweatshirt
Jokes OCTOBER 2006
- 10/5/06 TICKLE ME ELMO
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 10/12/06 COSTUME HUMOR
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 10/19/06 PIRATE COSTUME
A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.
She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"
He says "I am a pirate captain".
She says "Well--where are your buccaneers?"
He says "Right here under my buckin' hat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 10/26/06 FIG LEAF COSTUME
It was Halloween time and an athletic guy was invited to a costume party.
He goes to a costume specialty shop, and asks a young salesgirl; "I am going to be Adam, nude with only a fig leaf to cover down below. Can you help?"
The salesgirl shows him a fig leaf for the occasion. He winks at the girl and says, "Not big enough for what I have, ma'am!"
She brings out a bigger one. He keeps shaking his head negatively and says, "Well, not big enough for what God has given me. You understand?"
She brings out a huge fig leaf; the largest possible made for the purpose.
He throws his hands on the counter, and says, "Still not big enough. I have a reputation at stake here. You know what I mean?"
The salesgirl says, "Then why don't you just attach a nozzle, throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes NOVEMBER 2006
- 11/2/06 SHERLOCK HOLMES
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 11/9/06 E-MAIL FROM FLORIDA
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 11/16/06 DOMAIN NAMES
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look carefully at the domain names selected as others see it -- and not as you think it looks. Check out the following who deal in humdrum products but didn't think it through:
1. A site called "Who Represents," where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: http://www.whorepresents.com/
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look for further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net/
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: http://www.therapistfinder.com/
5. Then, of course, there's the Italian Power Generator Co.: http://www.powergenitalia.com/
6. And now, let's look at the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you're looking for computer software: http://ipanywhere.com/
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: http://www.cummingfirst.com/
9. Then there are these brainless art designers: http://www.speedofart.com/
10. And finally, a holiday in Lake Tahoe: http://www.gotahoe.com/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 11/30/06 FUN THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
7.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show Your Cleverness
Tell people how clever you are without saying a word!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
A woman is like Baseball Jersey
A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Price: 18.99
Attitude problem Mousepad
don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. White text on gray background, framed with white on gray squiggly lines.
Price: 12.99
Diplomacy Throw Pillow
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock. ~ Will Rogers
Price: 18.99
Do not meddle Jr. Jersey T-Shirt
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer
Price: 20.99
Farts are like success Rectangle Magnet
Farts are like success, only your own smells nice.
Price: 3.99
Jokes DECEMBER 2006
- 12/7/06 KIDS CHRISTMAS CAROL LYRICS
A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.
We three kings of porridge and tar.
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim.
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer).
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
Sleep in heavenly peas.
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in Listerine.
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
O come, froggy faithful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 12/14/06, You Might Be Havin' A Redneck Christmas If...
... the nativity scene you set up in your yard includes two pink flamingos and the baby Jesus ... lyin' in a painted tire.
----------------------------------------------------
Jokes JANUARY 2007
- 1/5/07 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR CATS
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has been watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I will try to remember that screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I will try to remember that I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
I will try to remember that if I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will try to remember that when it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
I will try to remember that the dog can see me coming when I stalk him.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 1/12/07 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 1/19/07ACTUALLY TAKEN FROM CLASSIFIED ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
--------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
--------------------
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
--------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
--------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile...better be reward.
--------------------
COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
--------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
--------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
--------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
--------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
--------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. WIFE knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Friends
Blogs that will make you laugh
Links to a few blogger buddies that are fabulously funny.
- The A.B.B.
- Michael says:
It it weren't for the brain damage on the left side, I probably wouldn't be in my right mind. - Amy's Musings
- A woman who happens to be a mom and wife... Happily married, Anti-June Cleaver, Anti-Soccer, mom of three awesome kids. Married to a wonderful, charming real estate appraiser / guitarist, who has no interest in growing up (in a really great way).
- Miss Cellania
- I am a single mom, and a currently unemployed radio announcer, living in Kentucky. I have way too much to do, but I love sharing things I think are funny, so this site is my hobby. I do this to avoid real work. Hope you enjoy what you find here!
- Old Horsetail Snake
- This is about my comic life and times. Believe it, or believe it. Or not. I am a mere 75+ years old, and I have just escaped from The Old Folks Home. Feelgood Haines has taken a room right down the road from me.
- Yes But No But Yes
- Where good taste and humour are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.
Jokes MARCH 2007
- 3/3/07 TWO IRISHMEN
Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.
Floating helplessly in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears.
The genie immediately says, "you are granted one wish".
Paddy and Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells "make the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever".
With the clap of his hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known to man.
With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the boat, Mickey with an angry roar yells "Oh! That's great. Now we have to piss in the boat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 3/10/07 BEER
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 3/17/07 IRISH POTATOES
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes, Dad, it was the best I could do from here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 3/24/07 WHISKEY
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes APRIL 2007
- 4/7/07 LAWYER AND IRS
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 4/14/07 TAX ACCOUNTANT
What's the definition of an tax accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 4/21/07 ONE-UPMANSHIP
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 4/27/07
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Stuff on Amazon
These ares some terrific books I would recommend.
The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life
Release Date: 07/02/2002
Avg. Customer Rating: 
Amazon Price: $11.20 (as of 07/26/2008)
List Price: $14.00
Used Price: $0.30
Usually ships in 24 hours
Don't Sleep with a Bubba: Unless Your Eggs are in Wheelchairs
Avg. Customer Rating:
Amazon Price: $10.36 (as of 07/26/2008)
List Price: $12.95
Used Price: $3.15
Usually ships in 24 hours
The Thong Also Rises: Further Misadventures from Funny Women on the Road (Travelers' Tales Guides)
Avg. Customer Rating: 
Amazon Price: $10.17 (as of 07/26/2008)
List Price: $14.95
Used Price: $7.25
Usually ships in 24 hours
There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble
Release Date: 05/29/2007
Avg. Customer Rating:
Amazon Price: $11.16 (as of 07/26/2008)
List Price: $13.95
Used Price: $5.89
Usually ships in 24 hours
Jokes MAY 2007
- 5/4/07 HUNTING TOGETHER
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
"I guess I just panicked...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 5/11/07 DUSTY
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 5/18/07 A HUNDRED DOLLARS
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 5/26/07 THE HUSBAND
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes JUNE 2007
- 06/03/07 REPUBLICAN LIGHT BULB REPLACEMENT POLICY
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 6/10/07 DEMOCRAT LIGHT BULB REPLACEMENT POLICY
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to blame the Republicans for it burning out, and one to chastise us for not using more energy efficient lighting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 6/18/07 NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make Them Laugh
Do a favor for the people who see you ever day - give them something funny to read...on you!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
If you think nobody cares Jr. Spaghetti Tank
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
Price: 18.99
I'm not having hot flashes Women's T-Shirt
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
Price: 15.99
Jokes JULY 2007
- 7/06/07 NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Don't ya love military time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - 7/13/07 WHY HUSBANDS MAKE BAD SECRETARIES
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal
Hmm...... Do you suppose it could have meant, "the Gynecologist called, they said your Pap Smear was normal"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give Yourself a Grin
Let the world laugh with you!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
Martyrdom is Jr. Ringer T-Shirt
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability
~ George Bernard Shaw.
Price: 16.99
Never get into Jr. Jersey T-Shirt
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose
Price: 20.99
New GapingVoid Cartoons
Share the Laughter
Let the world laugh with you!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
All of these sayings are available on a wide variety of products.
To see all, please visit my Cafe Press Shop Thanks!
Please, Lord Rectangle Magnet
Please, Lord; let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me
Price: 3.99
Reality is for people who lack imagination Basebal
Reality is for people who lack imagination
Price: 18.99
Some mornings (Text only) White T-Shirt
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps
Price: 15.99
Success is Organic Cotton Tee
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
~ Sir Winston Churchill
Price: 18.99
Sweat is nature's way Value T-shirt
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying
Price: 11.99
Comments
Tell me what you think!
I love hearing from people - share your thoughts and suggestions here.
|
poddys
Great lens, love the jokes and varied content. Nice job, have to give you 5 ***** Posted February 07, 2008 |
|
mesocksorange
Love this lens! Seriously. Sarcasm set aside. Your humor is grreat! =D Posted September 08, 2007 |
|
rms
Really great lens! Posted June 01, 2007 |
|
sanjaysagrawal
Hahaha ... I couldn't stop reading till the very end! :D Posted October 29, 2006 |
|
oniyagi
Queen Klutz is amazingly funny... I want an autographed copy now Marti! Posted September 21, 2006 |
|
AngelaHarms
Great lens. Your book sounds really funny! Posted September 06, 2006 |
|
Angie_the_humor_writer
I enjoyed your lens...good luck with "Queen Klutz"! Posted September 02, 2006 |
|
|
oniyagi
Great stuff! Posted August 25, 2006 |
|
KimberlyDawnWells
Haha! Great jokes. :) Can't wait to read about the $2000 french fry. Posted August 16, 2006 |
|
AmyD
Love your lens, Marti! I wish mine were half as nice and organized! :o) Posted August 09, 2006 |
This Lens is a Member of The Authors on Squidoo Group
Do you have a lens about an author? Are you an author? Think you have the Great American Novel in you? Do you enjoy writing? Have you considered authoring any kind of book? Share your passion here!
We'll gather lenses by authors, published or not, and dispense words of wisdom and encouragement to one another. If you love writing, this is the place for you!
Look who made this lens!
Marti
I am a humor columnist writing about bad luck, being a klutz, cars that hate me, having kids, life and love.
I have a blog filled with the comically tragic stories o...
moreWhat's here
- Enter the Laughter Blog
- Blog and Squidoo Awards
- Perfect Post Award
- Jokes AUGUST 2006
- Jokes SEPTEMBER 2006
- More...
Save and Share
Report this lens as spam or adult
This lens belongs to
Tags
Stats
LensRank #67,051
Updated more than one week ago
Rated G.
You control which lenses you see