Benny Hill: Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) Lyrics And Video

The story of Ernie is inspired by Benny Hills early experience working as a milkman.

The song tells of the fictional exploits of milkman Ernie Price, who drove a horse-drawn milk cart, and his war with the bread delivery man ("Two-Ton Ted from Teddington"), both men trying to win the affections of a widow, Sue, who lives on her own at number 22, Liddley Lane.

In the end the two men fight with the goods they carry on their delivery carts. In the fight Ernie is killed when Ted throws a rock cake, which hit him underneath the heart, followed by a stale pork pie in his eye.

Sue and Ted get married, but the ghost of Ernie returns to haunt them.

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.

They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart.
He said, "D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best,"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest."

That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.

Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side."

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.

But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Benny Hill was born Alfred Hawthorne Hill on January 21st 1924 in Southampton, England. He was an English comedian, actor and singer, who was probably best known for his television programme, The Benny Hill Show.

After leaving school he had various jobs, one of them being a milkman.
He started in the entertainment industry by getting a job as an assistant stage manager. Inspired by the 'star comedians' of British music hall shows, and his favorite comedan Jack Benny set out to break into show business. He changed his first name to 'Benny', and began appearing at working men's clubs and Masonic dinners before going on to appear in nightclubs and theatre. Benny's first job in professional theatre as a performer was as Reg Varney's (of On The Buses fame) straight man, beating a then unknown Peter Sellers for the role.
His first appearance on television was in 1949 in Hi There. He continued to work intermittently until his career took off with The Benny Hill Show in 1955 on BBC Television.

Benny Hill's film credits include parts in nine films most famously Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (in which he played the role of the Toymaker), and The Italian Job.

Benny Hill died on or about 19 April 1992, alone in his flat at the age of 68. On 21 April, after a phone call from neighbours, the police found him, dead, sitting in his armchair in front of the television.