Overcome Shyness, Make Friends, Get Dates

Shyness authority Dr. Philip G. Zimbardo once declared shyness to be "the number one psychological problem in America." He estimated that two out of three people are at least somewhat shy.

Some shy people may doubt that. "Looking around me, I sure don't see very many people who are as shy as I am" they may say. The explanation is that there are a broad range of different levels of shyness.

Someone who is just slightly shy on occasion may still regard themselves as "a shy person." It could still be a problem for them.

They cannot, however, be placed in the same category as the person who's severely shy, at all times, and around almost everybody. Obviously, there is a continuum between different levels of shyness.

Whatever your degree of shyness, here are some steps to combat it:

1. Stop saying negative things about yourself. Dr. Zimbardo has suggested the exercise of putting ten paperclips in one pocket. Every time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, transfer one of the clips to the other pocket. If all of the clips have been transferred by the end of the day, you've got a problem!

2. Be well informed to be more interesting. Keep up on the daily news. This doesn't guarantee that you will be a good conversationalist-you still have to master conversational skills-but it can help.

3. Observe more outgoing people to see how they talk to people. Notice their body language, how they smile, make eye contact, open and close conversations, keep them going, and so on. Model their behavior.

4. Visualize. Working hand-in-hand with the previous step is the process of visualizing yourself performing the same actions that you saw the outgoing person perform. This helps "lock" the behaviors into your subconscious.

Get into a relaxed position at a time when you can be alone for a few minutes and close your eyes and as vividly as possible see yourself displaying the same outgoing behaviors.

You can also visualize upcoming events. Rehearse mentally what you might say and how you may behave.

5. Practice the art of listening. This is extremely important, as many of the things a person says to you in conversation can be used as fodder to keep the conversation going and even to start subsequent conversations. Listening also sends out the message that you're interested in what the other person is saying.

6. Practice talking to people in "safe" situations. A good example of this is when you're standing in line at the grocery store. You know that you won't need a talk for very long, so you needn't worry about running out of things to say. You could talk about the price of meat, food in general, the weather -- anything that seems appropriate. The idea is to get a little daily practice at social skills.

7. When you find yourself in a social situation, seek out people to talk to. Go to a party with friends if it helps you boost your confidence.

8. Finally, avoid the temptation to think that other people are constantly examining you and making judgments. They are not. Recognize that you are just as human as the next person.

I'm sure you've had this experience -- you've tried to start a conversation with a good-looking member of the opposite sex, and you freeze up! What is there to talk about? What do the two of you have in common? What topics should you avoid?

Starting a conversation can seem like a minefield if you don't know how to go about it!

In addition, almost everything in life requires skill at conversation -- meeting the opposite sex, making friends, even getting and keeping a good job! (Networking is one of the foremost means of advancing up the job ladder and the primary skill needed for networking is the ability to make conversation!)

But did you know that all conversations follow virtually the same step-by-step process? Making conversation with anyone is a simple "paint by numbers" procedure once you know the technique!

When you program a computer, you start with a flowchart. Why not use the same technique for programming the most powerful computer there is -- your own mind? It's free here: http://www.shyfaq.com/map or click the image at right.

Here are five ways to beat shyness once and for all.

1) Think small.
Don't think you're going to solve your shyness all at once. Not only is that a recipe for frustration, but it will put a lot of pressure on you and only increase your nervousness.

Instead, take your shyness one step at a time. Make a list of all the types of situations in which you find yourself feeling shy.

For some, it will be simply talking to the opposite sex. More severely shy people might have trouble with almost every situation.

However, not all situations are equally difficult. A brief chat is generally easier than a long, soulful Conversation. Talking to someone you know casually is easier than talking to a total stranger. Meeting one person is easier then attending a party.

On a sheet of paper or in your word processor, make a list of every shyness inducing situation you can think of. Next, sort them in the order of difficulty. Easiest might be talking to a family member. However, if that causes you no shyness at all, you should leave it off the list.

For some shy people, simply making brief conversation with a store clerk while making a purchase might cause shyness. For others, talking to the opposite sex might be where shyness begins.

After you have sorted your shyness producing situations, it is time to tackle them one at a time. This means you should look at the first item on your list, and resolve to find a way to enter into that shyness producing situation every day.

If you have trouble talking to anyone, for example, you might resolve to make one small purchase every day from the drugstore or five and ten, being sure to make conversation with the store clerk or cashier each time.

If you're waiting in line, this is also a good time to practice overcoming shyness. Make conversation with the person standing next to you, either in front or behind you. You might even space your purchases out, so that instead of going to the grocery store every week, you go everyday, with the sole purpose of practicing overcoming your shyness.

If making conversation with a stranger in the cafeteria is too difficult for you, try just making conversation with whoever is waiting in line ahead or behind you.

2) Test the waters.
If you are shy around the opposite sex, make a practice to go out with your friends and strike up a brief conversation with someone each time. We are usually more confident when we are with friends. Again, you can build up the difficulty level over time by restricting yourself to very short conversations at first, such as while waiting in line, while gradually building up your difficulty level as time progresses and your confidence increases.

It is important, however, to be sure to take the shyness situations in the order of difficulty. Don't try to jump too far ahead. The whole point of this process is to gradually build up your skills and self-confidence.

It is extremely important, however, to find a way to attack these shyness producing situations daily. This is the only way you make steady progress in overcoming your shyness. After you feel you have build up your self-confidence adequately for the easiest situation, it is time to progress on to more difficult ones.

After you have tackled each situation for a week or two, you may decide it is time to move on to the next level of difficulty, either a longer conversation or the next item on your list. If you tackle each item on your list progressively, it is guaranteed that you will make significant progress in overcoming your shyness.

3) Practice, practice, practice.
Some suggest practising in front of the mirror, but this may make many people feel silly and self conscious. My best advice is to practice mentally. Make yourself comfortable, and then visualize yourself being in the situations that make you nervous. That way, you can mentally "See" in your mind the reactions of the other people, and yourself responding effectively to them.

4) Don't let others do your talking for you.
Shy people may have friends or relatives that talk for them and protect them from the scary situations. Such people may think they're being helpful, but they may actually be keeping you from getting the practice in of speaking up for yourself.

5) Celebrate your progress.
Give yourself credit when you succeed in taking steps to overcome your shyness. Do something nice for yourself. Tell a friend. Shy people tend to engage in negative self talk, and is equally important for them to praise themselves when they do something right.

Follow these steps religiously and you will make steady progress in overcoming your shyness.

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Tim Arends is the author of the complete popularity and overcoming shyness system. Visit Shy Facts to learn all about dating, overcoming shyness, and attracting the opposite sex, and also obtain a FREE ebook, How to Remember People's Names; the Master Key to Success and Popularity!

How many times have you had the embarrassment of seeing someone on the street, in the cafeteria, in class, or elsewhere and been addressed by name--but, for the life of you, you couldn't remember the other person's name?

I had this experience frequently when growing up. Trying to put the best light on the matter possible, I took it to mean that I was a highly memorable person! The real explanation, of course, was that the other person remembered my name and I didn't remember theirs! Perhaps they were more of an extrovert, and therefore had more of an interest in remembering people's names than I did. In any event, the fact that I was flattered to some degree by the fact that they remembered my name shows that it is indeed flattering to have your name remembered.Yes, there are reasons why you should remember others' names!

As time went on though, I realized more and more the importance of remembering people's names. But still I found myself not very good at it. And then I discovered the methods, the true secrets of remembering people's names--easily and permanently. The secrets that I learned are the ones that I will be revealing to you in this book.

Shy people often have trouble remembering people's names because of their lack of good eye contact, which makes it harder to fix on the other person's face, and their nervousness and preoccupation with their own internal state.

But what's in a name anyway? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. That may be true of some things, but not of people's names. A person's name, as Dale Carnegie wrote, is to them the most important sound in any language. It is their unique identifier. It is a part of them. In the Bible, when Adam was given dominion over all of the animals, he named them all as a way of showing dominance over them.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie has been named in one survey as one of the ten most influential books of all time. The book is divided into various sections. The third section of part two is titled "If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble." What is it that you must do? Remember the other person's name, and facts about him or her.

Yes, in one of the most highly regarded books of all time, remembering names was listed very near the top in importance, along with reasons why you should remember others' names! Dale Carnegie cited several instances throughout history in which the ability to remember people's names was one of the defining hallmarks of successful people.

Andrew Carnegie was one of the richest men in history and he was known for his ability to remember names. Dale Carnegie (no relation) once related how Andrew Carnegie was battling with his competitor over the railroad sleeping car business and both competitors were in danger of price slashing each other out of business. Finally, Andrew Carnegie sat down with his competitor and clinched the deal. How? Partly by promising to name the manufacturing business and product after his competitor, and thus the famous Pullman Sleeping Car Company came into being.

Dale Carnegie pointed out how libraries and museums owe their richest collections to men and women who could not bear to think that their names might vanish from history. Every college and university has buildings named after their foremost contributors.

Today, many a sales deal is clinched because a salesperson made himself well liked by remembering his or her prospects' names. Indeed, a salesperson must sell himself as well as his product to others, and there is perhaps no better first step towards selling oneself to people than remembering their names. A waiter or waitress in a restaurant must surely pull in better tips when she can remember the names of the regular patrons. In almost any occupation, the ability to remember names is a decided asset.

In social life, the ability to remember names is just as important. Imagine meeting someone at a party, seeing him later in a cafeteria, and not only remembering his name but being able to bring up what was discussed earlier and use it as a basis for new conversation. This surely would leave a very favorable impression upon the other person. Imagine meeting in attractive woman for the first time, seeing her at the park later and remembering her name--then resuming an earlier conversation!

Unfortunately, shy people often have more trouble remembering peoples names than outgoing persons, because shy people are often preoccupied with their own internal states. In addition, shy people often tend not to make good eye contact, which makes it harder to fix a person's face into the mind so as to associate with it the owner's name.
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Tim Arends maintains the Internet Shyness FAQ at Shy FAQ with more answers about shyness, and offers a FREE ebook, How to Remember People's Names; the Master Key to Success and Popularity. Tim also offers his complete popularity and overcoming shyness system at Shy Facts